If You Could See Me Now (24 page)

“I have
common sense
. Something which you seem to be lacking.”

“You’re right, I don’t have common sense. I don’t want to believe what everyone else believes. I have my
own
thoughts, things that weren’t taught to me or things that I didn’t read in a book. I learn from experience. You, you are afraid to experience anything and so you will always have your common sense and only your common sense.”

Elizabeth looked out the window, counting to ten so that she wouldn’t explode. She hated all this new age self-belief crap; contrary to what he said, she believed it was
exactly
the kind of thing that could only be learned from books. Written and read by people who spent their life searching for something,
anything
to take them away from the boredom that was their real life. People who had to believe that there was always more than the very obvious reason for everything.

“You know, Elizabeth, a dandelion is also known as a love herb. Some say that blowing the seeds upon the winds will carry your love to your lover. Others say that if you blow the puff ball while making a wish and succeed in blowing off all the seeds, your wish will come true.”

Elizabeth frowned in confusion. “Stop your gobbledy-gook, Ivan.”

“Very well. For today, Luke and I will settle for catching Jinny Joes. I thought you always wanted to catch a wish,” Ivan said.

Elizabeth looked away. “I know what you’re doing, Ivan, and it won’t work. I told you about my childhood in the strictest of confidence. It took me a lot to say the things I said, it wasn’t so you could turn it into some game,” she hissed.

“This is not a game,” Ivan said quietly. He clambered out of the car.

“Everything is a game to you,” Elizabeth snapped. “Tell me, how is it you know so much about dandelion seeds? What exactly is the point of all your silly information?”

Ivan leaned forward through the open door and spoke softly. “Well, I think it’s quite obvious that if you’re going to rely on something to carry your wishes in the wind, you might as well know where exactly it has come from and where it intends on going.”

The door slammed shut.

Elizabeth watched them both run to the
field. “Then if that’s so, where exactly are you from, Ivan?” she asked aloud. “And where and when do you intend on going?”

Chapter Twenty-One

Elizabeth
watched as
Ivan and Luke darted around the long grass in the
field, jumping and diving to catch the dandelion seeds that
floated in the air like feathery balls.

“I got one!” she heard Luke yell.

“Make a wish.” Ivan whooped.

Luke pressed it between his hand and squeezed his eyes shut. “I wish that Elizabeth would get out of the car and play Jinny Joes!” he roared. He lifted his podgy hand to the air, opened his tiny
fingers slowly, and released the blow-ball to the wind. It carried it away.

Ivan raised his eyebrows at Elizabeth.

Luke watched the car to see if his wish came true.

Elizabeth watched his hopeful little face, but she couldn’t bring herself to do it, to get out of the car and make Luke believe in fairy tales, just a fancy word for lies. She wouldn’t do it. But again she watched as Luke raced around the
field, holding his arms out. He caught the seed, grasped it tightly, and shouted the same wish.

Her chest tightened and her breathing quickened. They both watched her with such hope in their eyes and she felt the pressure of being relied upon. It’s only a game, she tried to convince herself, all she had to do was get out of the car. But it meant more to her than that. It meant
filling a child’s head with thoughts and ideas that would never happen. It meant sacrificing a moment of fun for a lifetime of disappointment. She gripped the steering wheel so tightly her knuckles were white.

Luke joyfully jumped up and down, trying to catch another. He repeated his wish at the top of his lungs, this time adding a “Please, please, please, Jinny Joe!” Holding up his arm, he looked like the Statue of Liberty, and then he released it.

Ivan didn’t do anything. He just stood still in the
field, observing it all with a look and presence she felt so drawn to. She saw the frustration and disappointment growing in Luke’s face as he caught another, squashed it angrily between his hands, and let it go with an attempt to kick it into the air.

Already he was losing faith and she hated to be the one to be the cause of that. She took a deep breath and reached for the door handle. Luke’s face lit up and he immediately began chasing more. As she walked onto the
field, the fuchsia waved and danced wildly, like spectators waving their redand-purple
flags to welcome a player onto the
field.

Driving slowly by in his tractor, Elizabeth’s father almost drove into a ditch at the sight he saw in a faraway
field. With the sparkling sea and the sun in the background, he could see two dark
figures dancing around in the
field. One was a woman whose long brown hair, caught by the wind, draped itself wildly around her face and neck. She was whooping and hollering with joy as she leaped around the
field with a young child, trying to catch the dandelion seeds that were parachuting in the wind. Brendan stopped the tractor and gasped in shock at the familiar sight. It was as though he were seeing a ghost. His body shook as he watched in wonder and fright until a beeping behind him startled him and urged him on.

Benjamin was driving back from Killarney at six thirty on Sunday morning, looking out at the sea view and wishing to be on the other side of the Atlantic, when a tractor in the middle of the road caused him to step on the brakes immediately. Inside was an old man with a face as white as a sheet, looking out into the distance. Benjamin followed his gaze. His face broke into a smile as he spotted Elizabeth Egan dancing around with a young boy in a
field
filled with dandelions. She was laughing and cheering, bounding about like he had never seen her before. She was in a tracksuit, not a crisp suit, her hair was down, loose and blowing around freely instead of being tied back severely. He hadn’t thought she had a son but he watched her lifting him up into the air, helping him to reach something, and swinging him back down again. The little blond boy giggled with delight and Benjamin smiled, enjoying the sight. He could have watched her all morning, but a beeping from behind startled him and as the tractor’s engine started up and moved on, they both crawled down the road slowly, still watching Elizabeth.

Inventing imaginary men and dancing around
fields at six thirty on a Sunday morning. Benjamin couldn’t help but laugh, and admire Elizabeth for her sense of fun and energetic embrace of life. She never seemed to be afraid of what anyone thought. As he continued down the winding road, his view of her became clearer. On Elizabeth’s face was a look of pure happiness. She seemed like a completely different woman.

Chapter Twenty-Two

Elizabeth
felt giddy
with delight as she drove back to town with Luke and Ivan. They had spent the past two hours chasing and catching what Ivan insisted she call Jinny Joes, then when they were tired and out of breath, they had collapsed in a heap in the long grass, breathing in the fresh, early morning sea air. Elizabeth couldn’t remember the last time she had laughed so much. In fact, she didn’t think she had
ever
laughed so much in her life.

Ivan seemed to have so much boundless energy, with an appetite for all things new and exciting. Elizabeth hadn’t felt excited in a very long time. It wasn’t a feeling she associated with her adult life. She hadn’t felt the tingle of anticipation in her stomach since she was a child; she hadn’t looked forward to anything so much she felt she would burst if it didn’t happen right here, right now. But being with Ivan brought all those feelings back. Time went so fast when she was with him, whether they were leaping around
fields or simply sitting in each other’s company in silence as they so often did. She always wished for time to slow down when she was with him and when he left her, she always felt she wanted more. She had caught many dandelion seeds that morning and among her many wishes had been the wish for their time spent together that day to be longer and for the wind to keep up so she could hold on to the moment with Luke as well.

She likened it to a childhood crush, such strong almost obsessive feelings, but
more,
it had depth. She felt attracted to everything about him, the way he talked, the way he dressed, the words he used, his apparent innocence. Yet he was
filled with a deep knowledge of wise insights. He always said the right things, even when she didn’t want to hear them. The darkness lifted and she could suddenly see beyond. When he breezed into the room, he brought clarity and brightness with him. He was walking hope and she could tell that things for her could be ...not fantastic or wonderful or happily ever after, but that they could be OK. And that was enough for Elizabeth.

He
filled her head every moment; she recounted their conversations over and over. She asked him question after question and he was always so open and honest in his answers. But then later while lying in bed, she would realize she knew no more about him than before, despite his replies to every question. Still, she sensed that they were very similar beings. Two solitary people blowing around in the breeze like dandelion seeds carrying each other’s wishes.

Of course she felt frightened by her feelings. Of course it went against the grain of her every belief, but as much as she tried, she couldn’t stop her heartbeat from quickening when his skin brushed against hers, she couldn’t stop herself from seeking him out when she wandered outside. She couldn’t prevent him from invading her thoughts. He was welcoming himself into her arms even when they weren’t open, he was dropping by her home uninvited, yet she couldn’t stop herself from holding out her arms and opening her door time and time again.

She was attracted to his presence, to how he made her feel, to his silences and his words. She was falling in love with him.

On Monday morning Elizabeth found herself walking into Joe’s with a spring in her step, humming the same song she’d been humming for the last week and couldn’t seem to get out of her head. It was eight thirty and the café was crowded with German tourists who had stopped for their breakfast before heading back to the confines of the coach, which would take hours before delivering them to the next town. The café was noisy with chatter. Joe was rushing around collecting plates and cups, bringing them to the kitchen and returning with plates full of Irish breakfasts that his wife had prepared.

Elizabeth signaled to him for a coffee and he quickly nodded his head in acknowledgment, having no time for gossip today. She looked around for a seat and her heart quickened at the sight of Ivan in the far corner of the room. She couldn’t control the smile that broke onto her face. She felt the excitement rushing around her body as she wound her way through the tables to get to him. Elizabeth was overwhelmed by the sight of him. There was definitely something in the air.

“Hello,” she breathed, noticing the change in her voice, and hating herself for it.

“Morning, Elizabeth.” He smiled. His voice was different too.

They both sensed it, sensed
something
and just stared at each other.