Ignite (34 page)

             
He’d seen the photos in the living room. Damn. “Yeah, he took me to prom. That was when…” I inhaled sharply, feeling a horrible jab of pain in my chest. “That was the night we decided to give it a go at a relationship.”

             
He didn’t respond, but he continued to look at me, waiting for me to continue. Well, it’d been two damn years of sleeping with Daniel and holding back the story behind my bleeding heart. It was time to unload a little bit, or whatever I could without breaking to pieces.

             
“Everything was perfect,” I said. “He was perfect. He took me out to Winthrop and he got us a small little apartment. Then he did something he’d always vowed never to do: work under someone else. He was willing to change for me, and had all this money aside to help us through so I didn’t have to…” I breathed hesitantly again. “…so I didn’t have to work. Anyways, long story short, I fucked it all up because I’d brainwashed myself into believing I couldn’t depend on someone that might break my heart. I got all messed up, and then I was angry all the time, and violent. I was horrible to him.”

             
“So he left you, like you always thought might happen.”

             
I laughed humourlessly. “No, actually, I was the one that left him.”

             
Daniel gave me a perplexed look. “Why?”

             
“Because he loved me too much to let me go. He never stopped believing in us, even while I was on my tirade. I was destroying our relationship, and I was scared that it would to be too late to fix things if I stuck around. I was sick and tired of hurting him, and I knew he would do better without me.

             
“I did what was best for him. I left him after a horrible fight. I mean, I… totally left him, like packed my shit and walked out without a goodbye. I saw him for the first time three days ago since that night. And, well, you saw it yourself, I was right all along. He turned his life around and my leaving him was the best thing that ever happened. He’s got everything now.” Saying it out loud just reaffirmed it all. He had turned into a success, albeit one that had some criminal tendencies under his belt, but still, he was all he ever dreamed of being. Because of me. Because I didn’t hold him back.

             
Daniel was silent for a long time, taking it in. He looked weary by the time he threw his half eaten sandwich down.

             
“Did you fuck him?” The question stopped my heart. I stared at him with fearful eyes as he regarded me in silence.

             
The tears formed and fell easily from my eyes. “Yeah, I did. I was waiting for a time to tell you–”

             
“When?”

             
I wiped away the tears and looked down at the floor, too terrified to meet his gaze. “Last night.”

             
I heard him take a deep, uneven breath. I hurt him. Fuck, would I ever stop hurting people?

             
“What happened exactly?” It seemed like such a strange question to ask, but he was dead serious for an answer.

             
“He drove me to the motel and… I mean, what do you want me to say?”

             
“Everything. I want to know why it happened.”

             
“Daniel–”

             
“He took you to the motel, and then what?”

             
“And then he dropped me off and I walked to my room. There was an altercation that I don’t want to talk about–”

             
“Talk to me about it.” His voice was sharp now and demanding. He was angry, but he was doing a damn good job at controlling it.

             
“I was attacked.”

             
His face fell. “What? What happened?”

             
I told him about the drunk, and how Jaxon intervened, and that a “buddy” stopped by to “handle” the situation by dragging him out of the room. I didn’t want to tell him the look Jaxon exchanged or how every bit of me questioned if that man was even alive that very moment because, well, there was no knowing what Daniel might do. He was horrified at the attack, deeply annoyed that I chose to return to that room when everyone had told me not to, and then very curious about what happened after.

             
Fuck, this was hard. “I was crying. Hysterically. Jaxon comforted me.”

             
“Did he touch you?”

             
“He wrapped an arm around me, but Daniel, it was me that made the move. Not him.” Funny how it was always my sole mission to defend Jaxon before anyone had the wrong idea of him. “I’m the one that kissed him.”

             
“And then what?” Daniel’s voice was tight, but he was patiently staring at me with raised brows.

             
“And then it happened. What do you want me to say? It-it just happened.”

             
“Did you like it?”

             
“Daniel–”

             
“Did you? Yes or no?” So now he was going to interrogate me like a lawyer would interrogate the accused on a stand? I calmed my nerves down before I snapped at him. He had every right to be pushy.

             
“I don’t know,” I admitted. “It wasn’t personal. There was no warmth behind it. He… was quick about it, like he didn’t want to, you know… take his time.”

             
Daniel’s face darkened. “Didn’t try and please you, you mean.” I didn’t say anything to that. “So he took advantage of you.”

             
“What? No! I’m the one that initiated it.”

             
“Because you were traumatised by the attack and vulnerable. You were seeking safety.”

             
“Don’t make an excuse for me. I don’t deserve an excuse.”

             
He shook his head. “You were vulnerable, Sara, and you probably weren’t in the right frame of mind, and he took advantage of that. Fuck’s sake, he knew you were taken, did he not?” When I didn’t respond, he glared. “Did he not?”

             
“Well, yeah, but–”

             
“So you were attacked by a low life drunk, you were scared and vulnerable, seeking safety, not in the right frame of mind, wanted to be comforted and then you made the move because you regarded him as your rescuer. Instead of being a man with some good fucking manners, he took advantage of that, and what does the asshole do? Doesn’t even care to pleasure you in the process. All the while knowing you had a guy waiting for you at home.”

             
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I kept shaking my head at his words, completely disagreeing at everything he was saying. Yeah, I needed to be comforted. Yeah, I felt safe in Jaxon’s arms, but I felt desire for him too. It wasn’t because I was vulnerable and had some kind of sudden sexual fixation with my rescuer. Daniel was making excuses for me because he cared and didn’t want to think the worst of me, which made this entire situation even harder.

             
And the sex? Well, Jaxon was angry at me and he was expressing that anger, but although there was no personal connection there, I still enjoyed it. I didn’t even regret it as bad as that might make me sound.

             
“Don’t be angry at him,” I said quietly. “I’m the one that did it, Daniel, and you have every right to hate me and leave me. I don’t deserve you.”

             
He didn’t speak for several minutes, but as every minute ticked by, his face softened more and more.

             
To be honest, I thought this was going be uglier than it turned out. I underestimated him. Daniel Hale was truly a remarkable guy.

             
“I can’t hate you,” he finally spoke, softly. “We’ve been doing this for two years now and I haven’t once bridged the gap between us. I can’t even call what we have a relationship. You have needs too, you know? And yeah, we’ve been burned before, but it was wrong to withhold the emotional element in our… weird arrangement. I should have tended to you more, and stopped being such a coward about wanting you as more. Ironically, it’s partly why I decided to come here. I’ve been missing you like fucking crazy. You’re in my head all day long, and I’d been going nuts without you. I came here to initiate the start of a real relationship. Leaving you to come here alone was such a foolish mistake. What the fuck was I thinking sending someone I deeply care about to tend to her dead mother’s affairs all by herself? To boot you’ve got yourself a Scorpion on your back wanting you. I’ve been an absolute asshole.
Fuck!
”

             
He raked both hands through his messy black hair and exhaled loudly. “If I’d come here and been the moral support you’d needed, and not just as your lover, but as your boyfriend, then we would have avoided all this shit. That whole altercation, and its…
aftermath
, it wouldn’t have happened.”

             
“Don’t you dare blame yourself. You’ve done nothing wrong. I don’t deserve you. I can’t…I can’t think that after last night I deserve you.”

             
“I still want you, Sara. I still want all those things.”

             
I shook my head. “No, I don’t deserve you.”

             
He exhaled in frustration. “See, that’s the problem. You believe in your own bullshit. You believe that you don’t deserve happiness, so you reject it, and then it costs you happiness. It’s wrong.”              

             
“But I don’t know if…” If what? I wanted him? I paused then and closed my mouth shut.

             
“You don’t know what? Just say it.”

             
I couldn’t say it because even I was confused with myself.

             
“Look, I can see you need some time to yourself. Maybe you should stick around for a couple more days and get your head sorted out. Lucinda’s a lovely woman, and you’re here in your hometown. Maybe you should visit your mother’s grave and then figure out this shit with…
him
.” He wouldn’t say Jaxon’s name, but his nostrils flared as he thought of him.

             
I nodded in agreement, knowing that was the right route to take for now. He stood up and made his way over to me. Then he plopped down and brought me into his chest, stroking my hair as I rested my cheek against him. This was the exact position I’d been in with Jaxon, I realized. Only… it was all wrong somehow. Daniel gave me comfort, but the desire wasn’t there.

             
The rest of the day went by quietly. I was ninety percent done by the time it started to darken outside. The only things I hadn’t touched were those boxes.

             
“Are you going to open them?” Daniel asked.

             
“Not yet. I’ll… do it tomorrow.” I kept knocking this stupid chore for “tomorrow.” I couldn’t admit that I was terrified of how personal it was going to be sorting through them. I just knew that they would be if she’d placed them so securely in boxes in this room. It had to be something important, and I wasn’t up for that yet.

             
“Did you want me to drop you back off at Lucinda’s house?” Daniel said as we walked back to the car.

             
I looked at him in confusion. “Aren’t you staying the night?”

             
“I don’t know if that’s a good idea.” There was apprehension in his demeanour as the thought crossed his mind.

             
“Where are you going to go, then? We can find a room–”

             
“I think I’ll drive back home. I sort of cancelled a whole bunch of appointments today, and to do that again tomorrow would be unwise.”

             
I didn’t reply as I got into the car. Despite everything, he was still affectionate on our way back. He stroked my hand and held it in his as he drove.

             
When we got to the house, he stopped at the driveway and brought my hand to his lips for a soft kiss. “I meant it when I said I still want you,” he whispered. “I’ll be waiting for you at home, okay?”

             
I nodded. “I’m sorry for everything, Daniel.”

             
“Get the answers you need and come back to me. We’ll sort it out.”

             
“I will.”

             
“Promise me you’ll come back.”             

             
I looked at him in the dark. He was anxiously staring at me with parted lips. I stroked his cheek, trying to keep the hesitation at bay. “I promise.”

             
He watched me climb out and make my way to the front door. I looked over at him once and waved, and then he waved back and backed out of the driveway.