I'Ll Go Home Then, It's Warm and Has Chairs. The Unpublished Emails. -

I’ll Go Home Then, It’s Warm & Has Chairs. The Unpublished Emails.
Copyright © David Thorne 2012

All rights reserved.

Ebook ISBN: 978-1-105-60199-6

Book Title: I'll Go Home Then, It's Warm and Has Chairs.

The Unpublished Emails.

Contact: [email protected]

This book is sold subject to the condition that it shall not, by way of trade or otherwise, be lent, re-sold, hired out, re-produced on the internet or otherwise circulated without the author’s prior consent in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published and without a similar condition including this condition being imposed on the subsequent purchaser. Activities and vehicle modifications appearing or described in this book may be potentially dangerous.

For Seb, Holly and Further

Foreword

Hello. Thank you for buying this book. Or at least the e-book. I laid this out myself and I have never done an e-book layout before so I apologise in advance if it isn’t very good. I probably should have put in more effort but you know how it is. With round the clock episodes of Property Virgins on HGTV and sleeping to do, there never seems enough hours in the day. Also, rather than go to any real effort, I thought it would be easier to simply collect all the material I have written that didn’t make it into the first book, either due to timing, space, legal issues, or not being very good, and put them in this one.

Hosting fees are expensive. As public interest in what I write has a limited shelflife and it is only a matter of time before people become bored of it and rediscover fun family activities like slip'n'slide and Jenga, I figured I should probably try to make as much cash as possible while I can. I assumed when Penguin picked up the first book, I would shortly be spending my days shopping for Range Rovers or relaxing on solid gold deckchairs by my swimming pool but this was not the case. There is less money in writing than there is working in the design industry and I am not clever enough to come up with a way of making money with less effort.

I saw a movie once called Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrells in which one of the guys had an idea to make money by placing an ad in specialist magazines for a super orgasm inducing vibrator for thirty dollars - cheques made payable to TSF ltd. After the money is collected, a reply is sent saying there has been a problem with deliveries and they receive a refund cheque from another company called Butt Tickler Dildos Ltd or something. Less than half the people will hand that cheque into their bank to be cashed.

I was watching the movie with my friend Mark and he said, “I would put the cheque in the bank” so I asked, “Does that mean you would buy a super orgasm inducing vibrator from a magazine?” and he replied, “No, I would just drive to a shop and buy one. Or buy an electric toothbrush from the supermarket and take the bristle bit off and put a carrot on it instead.” Which is kind of weird and shows he had thought about this previously.  

I stopped hanging around Mark a few years later when he went on a health kick, gave up drugs, and, after discovering yoga, felt it was important to dicuss yoga at every opportunity. It didn't matter what the conversation was about, yoga was the answer. I once asked him his opinion regarding a Pantone colour swatch and although the answer wasn't yoga, I could tell he was thinking about yoga at the time.

A lot has happened since the last book was published, I have changed jobs, moved countries, and, while I realise it is cliché when people say they married their best friend, it does occasionally happen.

I do not have the best track record in regards to previous relationships and despite readily admitting to exceeding others tolerances, up until recently my choices could be construed as anything but wise. My last girlfriend turned out to be a bar fighter, the one before that tried to shoot me with a scuba gun and the one prior to that joined an amateur acting group and expected me to attend her opening of The Importance of Being Earnest. As I felt it was appropriately important to be earnest, when she asked me what I thought of the performance I told her the truth and had to make the fifteen kilometre journey home on foot.

I met Holly while we were both attending a NASA space camp for adults. Helping her to the infirmary, after dropping an auxiliary detonation pipe on her foot, we struck up a friendship in the waiting room and spent the next few weeks partnered for EVA simulations and multi-axis training.

When I asked Holly to marry me two years later, her first reaction was  “Why, because I am the only person who puts up with your bullshit?” but thankfully followed this with a yes.

We were in the bathroom at the time, as she was blow drying her hair after taking a bath, and I felt it was as good a romantic moment as any. Placing the engagement ring on her finger, her other hand still holding the hair-dryer, I then gave her a tight hug - sandwiching the hair-dryer between us.

Unfortunately, as she had been using the hair-dryer only seconds before, the front metal grill was almost red from heat and seared into her stomach, branding it with what looked like a target, just above her navel.

Screaming, Holly leapt backwards, tripped over the toilet behind her, and fell. Attempting to stop her descent, she grabbed the shower curtain. While the curtain fabric and hooks held, the bolts securing the rail to the wall did not and the curtain, rail, several wall tiles, Holly, and the hair-dryer she was still holding, fell into the bath. 

Really, it was her fault for not emptying the bath when she got out. I have seen in movies where someone drops a toaster in the bathtub and they are electrocuted but it must be houses that don’t have a flip-switch fuse system. The instant the hair-dryer touched the water, the fuses flipped and the bathroom was plunged into darkness.

Asking “Are you ok?” was met with a crash as the hair-dryer struck the wall near to where Holly had thought my voice had come from, and the reply, “I fucking hate you.”

Even a year later, the target shaped scar, which I quite like and view as a permanent reminder of the day she said yes, is constantly used against me. Last week when we were out at dinner with people from her work, I mentioned that she had eaten the last bread roll and she replied “At least I didn’t burn and try to electrocute you.”

People love watching an argument though so I’m sure everyone had a great time. Once, while I was being interviewed  via phone live for some abscure American radio station called NPR, the journalist asked if Holly found me annoying or amusing. Answering that it was the latter, Holly yelled from the living room, clearly audible to the presenter and listeners, “Don’t fucking lie.” The presenter asked me “Was that Holly?” to which I replied, “No, it was the television” and Holly yelled out again “No it wasn’t.”

Apparently she was cross because I had just ordered an expensive watch for myself from Amazon. It wasn’t the fact that I bought the watch, the one I had worn for the last fifteen years was on its last legs, it was the fact that I hadn’t ordered her something of equal value. At least that is my analysis. She said it was because we were meant to be saving for a house but I have found since that if I say “I ordered something on Amazon today and ordered something for you too,” she doesn’t get anywhere near as cross. 

Before meeting Holly, I never had a problem with saving as I simply didn’t bother with it.   I like things.  Not lots of things, just certain nice things that I can look at now and then and comment on how nice they are. There wasn’t really anything I wanted that required saving for.  Living by myself, I only needed a chair so I bought a Herman Miller Eames lounge. The pricetag meant I couldn’t afford any other furniture, like a bed, but the foot-stool allowed me to use the chair to sleep in and provided a second seat for guests just in case anyone said “I might go and visit David even though he hasn’t got any furniture. Or a fridge.” When I did buy a fridge, I bought a Smeg because it looked nice but I couldn’t afford food after buying a Smeg so I left it unplugged it and used it to stack books in.

Now that I am married, and have things like bar stools, milk and a dog, priorities have changed and saving for a house has taken precedence. It doesn’t have to be an expensive house, just something ‘open concept’ with a large living area that opens out onto a deck that ovelooks woods and perhaps a pond or river with ducks. With steps going down to a pool. And a tennis court. And a dirtbike track. Design-wise, something like Frank Lloyd Wright’s Fallingwater but with less mold and anywhere other than West Virginia.

I’m estimating our monthly repayments will be more than I make in a year so I have been looking for a second job for Holly. If you are hiring, send me an email. She complains less than 20% of any given hour, can lift medium sized objects, and can follow a simple set of instructions unless they are for assembly of Ikea products.

Speaking of houses, Ikea products, and New York Times bestselling books, did I mention that the first book made the New York Times Bestseller list? Many lulz were had. It was as much a shock to my publisher as it was to me and a source of crossface for those featured in the book; I received letters from three seperate lawyers and a letter from Simon Edhouse pretending to be a lawyer.  Around the same time, a relative named Christopher developed an obsessive hatred towards me stemming from, I assume, not having written a New York Times Bestselling book himself. As his online crusade to bring me down consisted mainly of changing my Wikipedia page to say “David is gay” he was given the same amount of attention as the lawyers and ignored completely.

I have been accused of pointless irresponsibility when publishing content, in particular the emails, but I have never claimed either responsibility or pointyness. I have had people angry, demanding that  I remove an article, but it is the internet -  articles generally have a two week lifespan and then everyone forgets. It is not necessary to attempt a resolution when it is self-resolving.

I get called a 'troll' a lot but a troll is technically someone who posts inflammatory, extraneous, or off-topic messages with the primary intent of provoking others into a desired emotional response. Which I will admit to on occasion, but like to think my efforts are without ill intent and constructed to amuse rather than disrupt. Whether you write or bake a cake, there will be some that hate it, some that love it and others that will have a piece because there is nothing else in the fridge to eat and they missed out on lunch.

Providing content that encourages argument, discussion and factions structured around humour, rather than simply offending, has always been my goal. The majority of the "I am offended" emails I receive are in regards to my "disgraceful and cruel attitude towards cats" but these emails are obviously from cat owners and cat owners are insane. While it may seem that the majority of emails I receive are negative, this is not the case and most are actually well natured and occasionally quite touching. The only emails I ignore are those sent from New Zealand. The narrow emotional ledge on which New Zealanders squat may have a grand view but nothing good can come from communicating with these people.

Regardless, I accept that irresponsibility can sometimes have repercussions. After posting a fake internal memo from McDonald's outlining the implementation of short-changing customers as a procedure, I was arrested, questioned and had my laptop taken for evidence under e-crime legislation. I was hoping Ronald McDonald would appear in court but it was just an old guy in a bad suit who called me "an irresponsible idiot attempting to make some vague point" and dropped the charges. 

Up until recently, the concept that someone might take their anger out on me beyond the virtual world didn't concern me at all. I lived by myself on the eighth floor of a concrete fortress and promises of retaliation were scoffed at. Having moved into a 'normal' house, I have become more wary. After I tried exchanging defective snowboard gloves and was rudely denied, I created a newspaper ad stating that the store was giving away 4,600 snowboard packages. Apparently, they received over 5000 calls that weekend which resulted in the owner turning up at my premises yelling, so I bought a gun. It’s a Nerf gun, but if you stick pins into the ends of the foam darts, they can do some serious damage.