I'll Never Be Young Again (35 page)

‘
Vous voulez jouer avec moi?
’ he said, in a deep bass voice.

‘Sure,’ I said, laughing, and he stared at me puzzled, a finger in his mouth. We went on chucking the ball backwards and forwards to each other. It was fun. Presently the others came out of the hotel.

‘Hesta,’ I called, ‘come here, I’m having a grand time, there’s the most marvellous child . . .’

‘What have you been doing?’ she said;‘it was rather rude going off like that.’

‘Sorry, darling,’ I said, ‘but do look here, I’ve never laughed so much.’

‘You are mad.’ She glanced at the little boy. ‘Come on, everyone’s waiting and we’re all driving to some place farther on.’

She seemed impatient to get back to the car. I gave my kid a two-franc piece.

‘
Pour acheter des sucettes
,’ I said. I shook his hand gravely, and then followed Hesta to the car.

She was peering into the looking-glass from her bag, smearing the red on to her lips with her finger.

‘Shall we sit as we did before?’ she said. She looked as though she were enjoying her day. We spent the rest of the week fairly quietly.

On New Year’s Eve there was the party with Hesta’s friends. I hated going, I wanted us to have gone somewhere by ourselves. Even if we had dined out in a crowd of people, we could have got back home by midnight and been together.

It was our first New Year. I felt we should have done a thing about it.

Hesta seemed keen on the party, though. It was a fancy-dress affair. We were going to have drinks at Wanda’s room first, and then go on to the other place and dance. Hesta dressed herself up as an apache. She had black trousers and a crimson shirt. She made up her face all white, with no colour at all except on her lips, and she brushed her hair behind her ears.

She stood in front of me, her hand on her hip.

‘Well?’ she said.

She had a new manner with me now at times, flirting with me, as though we were strangers. It was silly, rather. All the same, she looked marvellous.

‘If you were a boy I’d be sent to prison for an unnatural offence,’ I said; ‘you rouse my worst instincts. Come here.’

‘No,’ she said, ‘you’ll spoil me; I mustn’t be touched.’

‘Have we really got to go to this party, darling?’

‘Of course, be quick with your things,’ she said.

I had not coped at all. I had bought a cheap pair of velvet trousers and wore an old shirt of Hesta’s with a handkerchief knotted round my throat. God knows what I was meant to be. I looked a bloody fool, anyway. We found a taxi and went along to Wanda’s rooms. They were all there, and several other people besides. Hesta seemed to know them all. Her pal Julio was late, and when he did come he made a terrific entrance, acting like hell, fancying himself no end, all got up as a toreador.

‘Doesn’t he look wonderful!’ screamed Wanda. They all crowded round him. He laughed and shrugged his shoulders, pretending to be careless about his effect.

I rather stood in a corner, talking to a plain girl who looked all wrong draped in Eastern robes with bangles jingling. She asked me if I had been to Persia, and I said ‘No, I hadn’t,’ so that wasn’t much fun, anyway, and we were both glad when somebody shouted: ‘Come on.’ I did not speak to the plain girl again the whole evening.

When we got to the dancing place there was some muddle about the table, and we could not have one long one, but two or three squashed together. The atmosphere was appalling, thick with scent and cigarette smoke and the silliness of fancy dress.

Hesta was miles away. She waved to me, smiling, and I waved back. Wanda was next to me. She was dressed as a Hungarian peasant. She looked all right. She was not such a fool, after all, and she asked me about my book. She seemed interested, wanting to know about it and what I should call it. She was not boring with her questions, and, anyway, she was good-looking.

The party was being quite fun, and there was plenty to drink, too. After a while we got up and danced. Wanda rather stuck herself into one, but it did not matter. She danced well, and she used a good scent.

‘Why don’t you come out with us more often?’ she said.

‘Oh! I don’t know,’ I said, ‘I’m generally working.’

‘You work too hard,’ she said.

The band played a good tune that did something to me inside. Wanda hummed vaguely under her breath.

‘I love this,’ she said.

‘So do I,’ I said.

We held on to each other more.

‘You’re more human tonight,’ said Wanda:‘I’m terrified of you, as a rule.’ I laughed. ‘Oh! rot,’ I said. It was all rather fun.

Then Hesta passed with Julio. She smiled vaguely at me. It bored me seeing her with him. Why did she have to dance with him, anyway? I wondered if she was enjoying it. It must be a bore being a girl, having to say ‘Yes’ when a fellow asked you. Seeing Hesta dancing with Julio spoilt my fun of dancing with Wanda.

When the band finished the tune we moved back towards the table, and I hoped we should reach it before they struck up again, otherwise I should have to ask her whether she cared to go on.

I pushed her rather, to get to the table in time.

‘Have a drink?’ I said.

It was nearly midnight before I found a chance of dancing with Hesta. She always seemed to be surrounded. It was queer seeing her with people and knowing what she was like alone. She seemed to put on another manner here. Laughing, raising her eyebrows, saying things in a different way. She talked louder, too, I thought.

‘Come and dance,’ I said.

Once I held her I realized how little it had meant holding Wanda. The very knowledge of Hesta made it perfect. My hand resting on her body, accustomed, my chin brushing the top of her head.

‘Darling,’ I said, and sighed for no reason.

‘You seemed to be getting on very well with Wanda,’ she said.

‘She’s not bad.’

‘Talking and laughing, anyway. I saw you. Then you pretend you don’t like parties. What were you laughing at when I passed you dancing?’

‘I can’t remember,’ I said.

‘How much do you like her?’

‘Don’t be silly, sweetheart,’ I said.

It was all right for me to mind Hesta dancing with Julio, but it seemed stupid for Hesta to mind me dancing with Wanda. It was boring talking about it, anyway.

‘Darling,’ I said, ‘do you remember that first time we danced, last spring, and we didn’t say anything, and afterwards we found a taxi; do you remember?’

‘H’m,’ she said.

‘It was wonderful, wasn’t it? I wish it was then, I wish we could go back.’

It gave me the same thrill just to think of it. I felt sentimental, foolish; I had probably drunk too much. I wanted us to be home in the Rue du Cherche-Midi.

‘Let’s go,’ I said.

‘No, we can’t. Don’t be absurd,’ she said.

‘It’ll be midnight soon, darling. We’ll stick together, won’t we? You’ll dance with me when it’s twelve o’clock.’

‘Yes, if they dance.’

She was clapping her hands mechanically, glancing over her shoulder. The band started another tune.

‘You don’t have to go back,’ I said; ‘let’s go on dancing.’ We had one more, but she went to the table afterwards, I hating letting her go. There was a scene now everywhere, with paper caps and streamers and nonsense. Then the lights went out and immediately there was confusion and laughter, and excited voices. ‘What’s happening?’ said Wanda, beside me, pulling my arm.

‘I suppose it’s twelve o’clock,’ I said. She was rather a fool after all. I looked around for Hesta, but I could not see her. Then the clock struck, and afterwards the lights went up again and there were cheers, and people shook hands and kissed each other, and the band began to play, and everyone shouted and sang. It was all very forced. Hesta was laughing, and throwing a streamer at someone. She did not seem to see me. I had to get up and dance with a girl in green that I did not know.

 

We were having breakfast one morning. I sat up in bed, stirring my coffee, and Hesta was curled up on the end, half dressed, buttering a
croissant
for me.

‘I think I’ll go to London on Tuesday,’ I said.

‘Oh! will you really?’ she said.

‘I think so, darling, I want to get all this business settled, and I’m not sure how long it will take altogether. You see, if they undertake to publish the book, even then it probably won’t be done for a few months. I’ll have to ask for an advance.’

‘How are the finances?’

‘Not so good. I’ve nearly come to the end. That cheque lasted over a year, you know, just. You don’t have to worry, though.’

‘I’ve my own allowance, anyway.’

‘Yes, but I’d rather you used mine.’

‘Have another cup, Dick?’

‘Yes, I think I will. Well now, if I go over on Tuesday I can start routing up my father’s publisher on Wednesday morning.’

‘You’ve decided to do that?’

‘I think it’s the only way. It’s beastly, but it can’t be helped. I’d never get a hearing otherwise.’

‘Can’t I come with you?’

‘What - to London?’

‘Yes.’

‘Oh! darling - I don’t think you’d better. I’d adore you to, of course, but I honestly think I must see this through alone.’

‘What shall I do when you’re away?’

‘It won’t be long, darling. You’ll be all right, with Wanda and the rest.’

‘Yes. . . .’

‘You won’t be lonely, will you?’

‘I suppose not.’

‘Why, you’re always going out these days, anyway.’

‘It will seem funny.’

‘I’ll be as quick over it as I can. And think how marvellous it will be coming back, saying I’ve sold the book.’

‘H’m.’

‘I shall miss you like hell, but I’m sure it would be a mistake for you to come to London, darling; you’d be bored, hanging around all the time.’

‘Yes.’

‘Cheer up, sweetheart, we’ll have the time of our lives when this business is through.’

It was an excitement to me, to be going to London. I had to buy a bag and some things. I had lived anyhow for such a long time now.

Hesta packed for me. She was not much good at it, but better probably than I could have done myself.

‘Put the MS. at the bottom,’ I said,‘and see that it’s not crushed. I can’t give the publisher something looking like lavatory paper.’

‘I’ll fold your suit over it,’ she said; ‘the edges won’t curl up if there’s your suit to keep them flat. Of course you ought to have it typed.’

‘I’ll get that done in London,’ I said.

‘Do you think you’ll want two pairs of pyjamas?’ she said.

‘What? I don’t know - Shove ’em in, at any rate.’

It was a business packing; I was not sure what I should need in London.

‘All these ties, Dick?’ she said.

I was searching furiously through a drawer.There did not seem to be any links.

‘Oh! damn and blast, I can’t find a thing. What, darling?’

‘These ties - you never wear this blue one.’

‘Don’t fuss me, sweet, I don’t know what I’m doing; put all the ties in. I don’t care. Can I borrow your comb?’

‘Yes, I can get another.’

‘Oh! Lord - look at this shoe.The heel is trodden right down. You might have seen and sent it somewhere.’

‘You never wear that pair. How could I know? Dick, listen - you don’t seem to have socks that go with that dark suit - and there’s one here full of holes.’

‘Look, beloved, is this hat too awful?’

‘Pretty bad. Perhaps if you wear it on one side people will think you’re an artist.’

‘I wish we hadn’t left everything to the last minute,’ I said.

I scarcely slept at all the last night for thinking of going to London, and wondering about the publisher, and hating to leave Hesta. I got up early the next morning.

‘I wish you didn’t have to go,’ she said, looking away from me, her face hard and queer.

‘So do I,’ I said, but I didn’t mean it really, because I wanted to go deep down, and I kissed her feverishly, and then tore into the other room to see that I had my passport stamped by the British Consul in Nantes. It was strange, looking at it, holding it in my hands, for all that seemed very long ago, and then Hesta came and worried me with keys.

‘How pathetic you look in that photo,’ she said, ‘like a little boy lost.’

I shut it up quickly, and bent down to fasten my suitcase.

‘You’d better find a taxi in the Boulevard Montparnasse,’ I said.

There wasn’t time to do much thinking, because everything was so hurried. Hesta came with me to the Gare du Nord. I went by the ten o’clock train, travelling second-class. The porter stowed my case away on the rack, and I walked up and down the platform with Hesta.

‘I promise I won’t be long,’ I said, ‘and you mustn’t be lonely; you go out and have a good time.’

‘Where will you stay?’ she asked.

‘I’m not sure, I’ll find a little cheap hotel.’

‘You’ll write, won’t you?’ she said.

‘I can’t promise, I may not have much time.You mustn’t count on it.’

‘
En voiture - messieurs, mesdames
,’ someone shouted.

‘I’ve got to go, darling,’ I said.

I kissed her hurriedly, blindly; I didn’t want to admit to myself I cared. I leant out of the window looking down on her on the platform. She seemed so little, like a child, and scared.

‘You’ve never left me before,’ she said.

‘I’ll be all right,’ I told her; ‘I’ll come back soon. London won’t alter me.’

‘That’s not the point,’ she said.

‘What is it, then?’

But at that moment the train began to move slowly. ‘Dick,’ she called, ‘Dick.’ I waved my hand, I smiled, I couldn’t very well shout out before all the people on the platform that I loved her.

‘Take care of yourself, babe,’ I said. I went on looking out of the window, and watching her figure become smaller and smaller till it was swallowed up in a mass of moving figures, and then we turned a corner and I could not see the platform any more.