Illusions Complete Series (15 page)

Ryan and I had made a date for the following weekend to drive out to the country to see the changing leaves.
I hope that we make it that far.

Dr. Halder continued to make some small talk while Ryan carefully read the confidentiality waivers. “Are you looking forward to the Chiefs’ season?”

“I’m not really a football fan. Except when Joe Montana played.” This was a good twenty years ago. I sounded like an idiot.

“Well, you aren’t missing much.”

“True.” My father always got on me about not liking the Chiefs. I couldn’t help it. I didn’t care for football, although I had a massive crush on Joe Montana, so I not only watched every game the year that he played, but I recorded them on my VCR (this was well before the DVR age), and watched them back. Again and again.

“Have you seen any good movies?”

“I saw the
Dark Knight Rises.
”

“Yes, that was a good one. Did you see
The Dark Knight
as well?”

“I did. I didn’t like it the first time I saw it, but I watched it again, and Heath Ledger really did give a masterful performance.”

“Yes. It was too bad about what happened to him.”

I took a deep breath. I had a feeling that another Heath Ledger film,
Brokeback Mountain,
was soon going to be invoked.

I hoped not.

Ryan was finally done with the confidentiality waivers. He inhaled and exhaled mightily. He nodded at Dr. Halder.

Dr. Halder began, addressing me. “Ms. Snowe, um, can I call you Iris?” I nodded. He began again. “Iris, do you know why you are here today?”

I looked at Ryan. He wasn’t looking at me. He appeared to be studying the paperweight on Dr. Halder’s desk, memorizing the design. “Uh, not really. I mean, I have my suspicions.”

“What are these suspicions?”

“Well, uh, Ryan’s ex-wife said something the other night, and I guess I need to find out what she meant.”

“What did she say?”

“She said that Ryan was in the closet.”

Dr. Halder nodded, looking meaningful at Ryan. Ryan nodded his head.

“Iris, I need to ask you this. Do you believe in bisexuality?”

I gulped. This was heading just where I thought it would, and I didn't like it one bit. “Sure. I mean, Angelina Jolie is a bisexual, Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas has admitted to it, Megan Fox, Anna Paquin, Lindsay Lohan, Zoe Saldanas…” They were all women.

Dr. Halder nodded. “Those are all women,” he said, stating the brutally obvious. “Now, I know that this is going to sound odd, but do you believe in male bisexuality?”

I looked at Ryan, feeling uncomfortable. “Actually, I’ve always heard that there are no bisexual men. There are straight men, and there are men on the way to gay town.”

Dr. Halder nodded again. “That’s a common misconception.”

I took a huge breath and waited for Dr. Halder to continue.

“You see, the female bisexual is accepted in today’s society. Britney Spears kisses Madonna on national television, and there’s some controversy, but it’s really not a big deal. As you noted, there are no shortage of female stars who openly admit to having had affairs with women.”

I nodded. “Yes, that’s true.”

“What do you suppose would happen if, say, Brad Pitt came out and admitted to having had a love affair with a man, like Angelina Jolie had come out and admitted to having had an affair with a woman?”

“I don’t know. I suppose his career would be over.”

“Precisely. There’s a double standard about this. The female bisexual is hot. Men have fantasies about two women together. Women brag about having same-sex affairs in college. It’s cool to be a female bisexual. The male bisexual is not so accepted.”

True.

Dr. Halder continued. “Do you know about the Kinsey study?”

I did know something about that. “Uh, Kinsey stated that sexuality is fluid, and that nobody is entirely homosexual and heterosexual.”

“Right. Sexuality is on a continuum.”

I nodded. “I admit that I don’t really know what that means.”

At that, Dr. Halder produced a little line chart with a moveable slide. He put the slide in the very middle of the line. “Here is an illustration of one’s sexuality. On the left side is complete homosexuality. You are attracted to your same sex, and only your same sex. On the right side is complete heterosexuality. You are attracted to the opposite sex and only the opposite sex. And right here, in the middle of this line, is a true bisexual. That person is attracted to men and women equally.”

I nodded.

“Now, where would you place yourself?”

I moved the little slide far to the right.

“I see you moved the slide far to the right, as far as it can go.”

I nodded.

“That means that you have no attraction to the same sex.”

I thought about it for a second. I remembered at least two occasions when I met women to whom I was extremely attracted. I even had fantasies about one of them. I also had a massive girl crush on my college roommate. And I often fantasized about women when I masturbate, especially voluptuous women that I encounter on the street.

“Um, let me change my answer.” At that, I slid the little slide slightly more to the left. Then slid it a bit more after that.

“I see you moved the slide further to the left.”

I looked at Ryan. He was still studying the paperweight.

“Yes, I, um, have attractions to certain women.”

“Have you ever been with a woman?”

“No.”
Why is this suddenly about me?

“Why is that?”

“I don’t know. I guess, uh, I guess I’m afraid to be.”

“Afraid?”

“Yes. You know, it’s taboo and everything.”

“Ok.” He looked at Ryan. “Ryan, would you like to add anything here?”

He drummed his fingers lightly on the side of the love seat we were on. He took the slide in his hands and moved the slide further to the left, much further than where I had moved the slide.

He looked me in the eye. “This is where I am at on the continuum.”

The slide was just right of center.

“Oh,” was all I managed to say.

Dr. Halder motioned Ryan to go on.

Ryan took a deep breath. He looked at Dr. Halder. “I can’t tell her about this. Can you help me?”

Dr. Halder took the bait. “Ryan called me very distressed this week, concerned that you had found out about a man by the name of Nick.”

“Nick, yes.”

“Has Ryan told you anything about Nick?”

“No. I suppose that would be why I’m here today, in this office, to find out about that.”

“Yes. Ryan indicated to me that he wanted a safe place to discuss with you his relationship with Nick, so that you can get your questions answered by a trained professional.”

“Who is Nick?”

Dr. Halder looked at Ryan.

Ryan nodded his head.

“Nick has been in Ryan’s life since Ryan was very young,” Dr. Halder began. He again looked at Ryan.

Ryan looked at me, took a deep breath. “Uh, I can take this from here.” Taking another deep breath, he began. “Nick and I grew up together. We went to grade school, middle school and high school together and were roommates at Harvard.” He continued, exhaling mightily. He played with his own hair, smoothing it back. He fidgeted with his collar. His hands went back to his hair, finger combing it.

He continued. “We were friends. Just friends. But he, he, saved my life.”

I looked at him, perplexed.
What was he talking about?
He continued. “Well, you know, I was really into drugs during my Harvard days. I was high all the time. The only reason why I got through school was because I paid somebody to take notes in class, and I would use speed to cram for the exams. Nick was not into drugs at all. He was constantly trying to get me off of them.”

“Go on.”

“Well, the drugs were not the only problem. I was also severely depressed in college. Uh, there were, uh, things in my childhood that were weighing me down, that I was trying to forget. So I took the drugs to try to numb the pain.”

I nodded, silently encouraging him. He was having an easier time talking. “I was having a particularly rough semester. I was in an off period from Alexis, and I was dating another girl. Things were not going well with her, and I was constantly having nightmares. Constantly. Every night. I mean, I always did well in school, but the pressure was always there. And my father…” He broke off there. His breathing was coming harder now.

Your father what?

But he didn’t elaborate on that.

“Anyhow, the pressure was getting to me, so I bought a gun. I loaded it, and put it to my chin. I was about to pull the trigger when Nick started knocking on the locked door.” His eyes were watering as he looked away in the distance. “I screamed at him to go away and leave me alone. He persisted. Of course, he had a key, but I had barricaded the door with a bookcase.” More finger-combing, then his hands were on his pants leg, then he had his keys in his hands, and were flipping them around. Over and over. Dr. Halder tossed Ryan a little squeeze ball, and Ryan gripped it, squeezing it again and again. He wasn’t looking at me at all.

He continued. “Nick came through our sliding glass door. We were on the sixth floor, and we had a balcony. So did our next door neighbor, so Nick went to the next door neighbor, got on their balcony and leaped onto our balcony to come through the door. He risked his life doing so, as there were several feet between our balcony and their balcony. Once through the door, he tackled me before I could get the shot off.”

I was feeling overwhelmed again. Nevertheless, I motioned for him to go on with his story.

“I hated him right then. I wanted to die, and he didn’t let me. But, later on that night, we were having a beer in our room, and I was feeling very thankful by then about what he did for me. And we, uh…” He looked at Dr. Halder desperately. Then started squeezing the ball again, his knuckles turning white. His hands came to his face, as he rubbed his cheeks and eyes. More finger combing.

“We, uh, we kissed that night. And, we, uh, got intimate.”

My eyes were wide. “How intimate?”

“Just oral.”

Just
oral? I was going to have to wrap my head around this.

“Ok, then that happened that night. I can deal.”

“Actually, it didn’t end there. I mean, we were buddies still, we were always buddies. But we started having oral sex on a regular basis.”
Ok, so it was an on-going affair. Still manageable.

“Where’s Nick now?”

“He, uh, lives in Mission Hills.” This was another ritzy Kansas City suburb, as ritzy as Hallbrook. “He has a wife and two children, and he’s very happy with them.”

Ok, so Nick lives in town.
“Do you still see him?”

“Yes.”

“Do you still….” I made a meaningful face.

“Yes. Or, at least we did, up until I met you.”

“Oh.” There was nothing more to say.

I began again after finding my words. “How do you feel about him?”

He looked at Dr. Halder. “I, I, I am in love with him.”

I looked at Dr. Halder, panic in my eyes. “Is this possible?  I mean, you said that people can be attracted to the same sex and be heterosexual. Can someone be in love with somebody from the same sex and still be heterosexual?”

Dr. Halder began. “Yes, it’s quite common.”

“Oh.” I relaxed a little.

Ryan continued on. “Nick has been there for me through the absolute worst times in my life. Through the drugs, through the almost suicide, through the divorce, through losing Mia. He has always been there, rock solid for me. I love him very much as a friend, but I love him as more than a friend as well. He’s been the only consistent person in my life. Ever.”

“So, where do we go from here?” I asked.

Ryan looked at Dr. Halder. “Go ahead and tell her what I told you the last time I was here.”

Dr. Halder addressed me. “Ryan is very much in love with you. He sees a future with you. He also loves Nick, but he expressed to me that, if you had a problem with his relationship with Nick, he would be willing to cut off intimate contact with him. However, Ryan would very much like to keep Nick as a friend, at least.”

I looked at Ryan. “What is your preference?”

“I would prefer to keep things the way that they are with Nick.”

“Meaning…”

“Meaning, I would like the option to continue to be intimate with him. But, if you’re not ok with this, then I’ll cut that off. And, like I said, we haven’t done anything together since you and I met. And I don’t think that we will. But, over the years, he fulfilled a need in me that is hard to explain. I hope that you can understand that.”

“You guys don’t…” I made a circle with my thumb and forefinger, and jabbed my other forefinger in and out of the circle.

“No. We’ve never done that.”

“Good.”
As far as I know, it’s difficult to catch diseases from doing oral.

I had to admit that this encounter was an education for me. I had my prejudices, as do most people, about men being intimate with other men. I didn’t think that there were male bisexuals. I guess I didn’t think about men being the same as women in that regard. That, just as women can love people from both sexes, so can men.

“So, what’re you thinking?” he asked anxiously.

“Well, I’d like to meet this Nick.”

“What else are you thinking?”

“I want you to be happy and have your freedom. I suppose that, as long as our relationship isn’t harmed, you can continue to do what you want with Nick.” I surprised myself that I was able to come to this conclusion so quickly.

He looked astonished and thrilled. “I’m so in love with you right now.”

“Well, I don’t want to limit your freedom. You would only resent me. And, this isn’t a
Brokeback Mountain
situation, right? I mean, those guys didn’t love their wives, only each other.”

“No, this isn’t
Brokeback Mountain.
I’m very much in love with you, more so than I’ve ever been with anybody in my entire life. I’ve no doubt about that. But Nick fulfills another side of me. I’m so grateful that you can understand that.”