Illusions of Love (13 page)

“But for Christ’s sake, I’m not the only one who went through it!”

“Well, in a sense everyone went through the war alone. Maybe I can verbalize it for you, Martin.”

“I wish to God someone could.”

“You’re a man in search of his soul. You feel guilty because of all those starving kids you saw and their memory

makes you ashamed you were privileged. “

“You’re absolutely right. That’s what I can’t come to terms with.”

“Well, take my word for it. There are always going to be those who have and those who don’t, and you’re not responsible for the whole world. Everyone has to find their own salvation, and so do you.”

“And how do I do that?”

“You’re not going to come to terms with your life in San Francisco, that’s for sure.”

“Well, I know. But it gets down to owing once again, doesn’t it?”

“I’m not insensitive to that, Martin, and I admire your loyalty. But you owe yourself too. Why don’t you come to New York?”

Martin knew that he wanted to say yes, but how could he tell his father he was leaving? Everything Dominie said was right.

“I’ll have to think about it,” Martin said at last.

“Don’t take too long, old buddy. Those who procrastinate very often wake up in the morning to find themselves sullen old men.

Disillusioned and disenchanted. Give your self a break. “

“Yeah … well … how do I tell my father?”

“Just tell him, Martin. Nobody owns you. Just don’t get bogged down with a lot of Jewish guilt. I was impressed with what you told me about your great-grandfather, but you have to remember that he went out on his own. Maybe that’s what he was fighting for, to give you that right.”

Martin knew the rationale was not quite accurate. Ephraim’s father had not built a dynasty for him to inherit. Still, it was nice of Dominic to try to give Martin the courage he needed to confront his father.

“Look, Dom,” he said, ‘you’re a good friend. I’ll call you back in a couple of days. And thanks . “Don’t mention it, old buddy. Now, are there any other problems we can solve tonight?”

There was a long pause. Then Martin told Dominic about Sylvia. He had

never meant to hurt her, but now he felt he could never make up for the pain he’d caused her.

“Yes, but you didn’t do anything,” Dominic said.

“It was unfortunate, the whole set of circumstances, but so far as you’re concerned, Sylvia was hurt as much by the war as by you. Keep remembering that and one of these days you’ll find a girl to really love. Now, don’t forget, my offer still holds. I really need you in my business, Martin. And remember, people are more resilient than you think. Your father will get over it.”

Martin wasn’t quite so sure as he held the silent receiver in his sweating palm. Finally, he replaced it on the cradle, got up and poured himself a stiff drink. Cutting the cord was never easy, but Jesus, he had to straighten out his life. He tried remembering that the next day when he drove down to Woodside to see his father.

Julian sat in the large wing chair, watching the flames dance in the fireplace, trying to understand what Martin was saying. He’d been unaware that his son was so unhappy. He had thought that Martin’s adjustment after coming home had been more than admirable. Now he was upset he had been so insensitive to his son’s needs. He got up and walked to the French doors and looked out on the garden.

“Life is really very confusing,” he said, his back towards Martin.

“It never works out the way one expects. You think you’re building something you can hand down to your children and then you realize the things you built mean nothing to them.” Julian turned around and looked at his son.

“I suppose this is what they’re calling the generation gap.” He sighed deeply.

“So be it. Your mother will be very disappointed about this, just as I am, but if this is what you think will fulfill your life, I’ll not stand in the way.”

For a moment Martin almost gave in. He wanted to say, Forgive me. I’m sorry I’ve hurt you and I’m not leaving. But a voice within him warned, You’ll regret this for the rest of your life if you don’t make the choice now.

“Dad, I know how hurt you are and there’s nothing I can say that will make you feel different. But I wish you’d understand. What you’ve built means a lot to me more

than you know. But I’ve got to build something myself. And I need time to find out who I am, not just what I’ve inherited. “

Julian sighed.

“I hope you find out, Martin, for your sake.”

Julian drew Martin to him, wishing he could turn back the clock to a time when Martin was a small child. He took the handkerchief from his back pocket and blew his nose.

“Well, I think we should go in and join your mother for dinner.”

This parting was almost more difficult than when he’d gone to war.

Bess and Julian were unprepared for this, and Martin still felt as though he was abandoning them. He begged them not to come to the airport and, picking up his suitcases, followed Edward out to the car.

Looking back, seeing them standing forlornly on the front steps, he could only say, “I’ll call as soon as I get to New York.”

Martin soon settled into his life in New York. He found a small apartment and was fast absorbed in the hectic pace at the agency. He forgot much of the guilt he felt leaving his parents. He called them every week, but his thoughts and energy were caught up in the challenges of his new position.

Dominic had given Martin a free rein, and within a month he had secured the Aqua Baby Soap account, a subsidiary of Acme Chemical Company. It was a bonanza for a small agency and the coup gave Martin far more satisfaction than when he had brought McMillian Steel Company into the brokerage.

That evening Dominic and Martin celebrated. After popping a bottle of champagne, Dominic said, “Cheers to you, old buddy. With my creativity and your business ability, we’ll give the big boys on Madison Avenue a run for their money.”

Within six months, Martin’s contributions were more than gratifying.

He felt he was at last carrying his own weight and, better yet, he was beginning to like himself again. By the end of each day he found he was too tired to dwell upon the fact that his parents considered him a prodigal son.

In the evenings, when he returned to his apartment, he could relax in peace. There were no questions and no friends or relations on weekends; no one to make demands. He was his own man, independent to come and go as he pleased.

As his eyes wandered about the shabby little place, he thought of his mother. If she had disapproved of the apartment in San Francisco, she would have been horrified by this. But he didn’t have to explain his choice of residence to anybody. Actually that wasn’t quite true.

Lately Dominic had begun to organize Martin’s life outside office hours.

Dominic loved to have a good time. There wasn’t an invitation he didn’t accept. He had a bevy of girlfriends, but Martin’s desire for women was much the same as when he returned from the war. A quick night out from time to time was all he wanted.

From Dominic’s point of view, that wasn’t enough for his friend. He believed Martin’s spartan life was unhealthy.

“I’m going to a party Saturday night,” he said to Martin one Friday.

“You’re invited, too, and this time your answer’s going to be yes.”

“I really don’t feel like it, Dom.”

“Did you ever think of going into a monastery?” Dominic laughed.

“What kind of a crack is that?”

“No booze. No broads. It’s not normal.”

“Look, back off, Dominic. I have my share of broads.”

“When?”

“We don’t live together. I don’t tell you everything. I got out of my playpen when I left home.”

Dominic laughed and continued badgering.

“Listen, this is me you’re talking to, old buddy. Remember when we used to go on the town in New Haven? Well, I haven’t seen that glint in your eye for a long time.”

“Lay off, will you? I don’t feel like lusting any more. I also gotridofmyacne.”

“What is that supposed to mean?”

“I haven’t met anybody I want to have an affair with.”

“Who’s talking about an affair? Now, about Saturday night?”

“Okay, in self-defence, I’ll go.”

“Great. You’ve got a date, Marty, old boy.”

Dominic knew from the smile on Martin’s face that he had shaken him up. Well, a little baiting goes a long way.

When Martin walked into the party, it seemed as if half of Manhattan was gathered in the apartment. He looked around for Dominic, but there was no sign of him. People stood in small groups talking. He wandered through the rooms with a glass of champagne, hearing bits of conversation.

‘ . The best buy on the market is American . Did you hear the one about . And Becky said to Able, besides, every time I do it, I get a headache. ” Martin was bored. Who cared whether Becky had a headache before, during or after?

If Martin had found Dom he would have given him a piece of his mind.

Here he was standing alone, not knowing a soul. He was ready to leave when Dominic finally made his way over to him. He was about to say, Next time, don’t do me any favours, butt out of my social life, when he got a good look at the girl Dom had in tow. She was a knockout.

Damned if she wasn’t the most beautiful woman he’d ever seen. Dom had good taste, Martin grudgingly conceded, as Dominic said, “Martin, I want you to meet Jennifer McCoy.

Jenny, this is Martin Roth. Now may you live happily ever after. “

Martin knew Dom had set him up. Jennifer McCoy was supposed to rescue Martin from a life of celibacy. How dare his old buddy think he couldn’t get someone on his own? But with a girl who looked like Jenny, who would object? He was struck with an overwhelming desire.

His sudden physical reaction to her was shocking, and a little frightening. His feelings intensified as he observed her more closely.

Her hair was a rich, deep brown with golden glints, like sun on autumn leaves. She wore it brushed back like a lion’s wild mane, unlike the sleek pageboys. Her wide-set eyes were amber with green flecks that sparkled like the facets of a gem. The delicate peach tones of her skin gave her face a subtle glow. She was dressed in a creamy beige two-piece silk dress, with a small turquoise-and-diamond brooch pinned near her shoulder. Her perfume was so discreet he could not identify it, but it conjured up delicious images. Her rouged lips parted as she smiled and said, “Dominic likes to own his friends’ lives.”

Martin smiled back, “Yes, but that’s part of his charm.”

Jenny’s laugh was low and sensuous.

“I hope you won’t think I’m too bold,” he found himself saying, ‘but if you’re free for the rest of the evening, how would you like to go someplace a little quieter? “

“I will think you’re bold, but I am free.”

Any resentment he might have felt towards Dominic was overcome by fascination for Jenny.

“I’d love to be able to have a conversation with you without having to shout.”

“What?” she laughed.

“I can’t hear you.”

“I said … how would you like to leave?”

“You don’t waste any time, do you, Mr. Roth?”

She wove through the crowd to retrieve her coat. Martin looked around, but couldn’t find Dominic. Giving up the idea of saying goodnight, he led Jenny downstairs to the street.

“Why do people give parties like that?” Martin said as they stood on the kerb waiting for a taxi.

“Loneliness, I suppose.”

Martin looked at her from the corner of his eye. He knew Jenny McCoy was bright, but the depth of that simple statement impressed him.

“Now, where would you like to go?”

“If you’re concerned about loss of hearing, there’s a place on Fifty-sixth off Third that has candlelight, wine and soft music.”

Martin smiled.

“You’re on.”

Sophie’s Place was exactly what Jenny had promised. She looked enchanting in the candlelight as he observed her from across the table. The wine was mellow and the music soft.

As they danced to the sounds of “Tenderly’, he remembered when he had asked Sylvia, ” Does love really happen that quickly? ” He knew he wasn’t in love with Jenny yet, but the way he felt for her, so strangely and suddenly, was something he had never felt for any other woman.

When the music stopped, he led her back to the table, wondering why Dominic had been so generous, “How long have you known Dom?”

“Well … she began. Jenny had graduated from Hunter College during the war. She had submitted her resume to most of the advertising firms on Madison Avenue. What impressed her about the Dominic Gatti Agency was its energy and swift growth. It seemed a woman might actually make a career there. She had done very well and was happy, but when the Elmo Cosmetic Company offered her a top PR post, she couldn’t resist the opportunity or the money. Dominic had been sorry to lose her but had not tried to stand in her way. The cosmetics industry was a place women could flourish. She hadn’t heard from Dom, she told Martin, until last week.

“I don’t know whether to tell you this or not,” she said.

“You can tell me anything.”

“I almost didn’t go to the party tonight.”

“That’s funny, neither did I.”

“Really, how did Dom coerce you? ” He thought I was leading a monastic life. “

“Were you?”

“Well, according to Dom’s standards, if you don’t go to four parties a night, you’re not having any fun.”

“That’s our friend. He just told me I had to meet you. Need I say more?”

“No, but I’m certainly grateful for his concern.”

“Maybe you won’t be so grateful after you get to know me.”

“I’ll take that chance. How about tomorrow night?”

“I’m sorry, but I have to be in Chicago on business.”

He was disappointed.

“When will you be back?”

“Not till next Friday.”

“Does your firm send you away often?”

“When they’re promoting a new line, yes.”

“Well, I guess I’ll have to settle for that. Do you feel like dancing?”

Once again he was holding her in his arms, and they danced until the piano player went home.