I'm Judging You (30 page)

When you speak out, someone else might be encouraged to do the same. Do not be silent. You do not have to be a crusader, but someone else's battle could easily become your own. A fire burning down your neighbor's house could easily spread to yours. Acting like it's not your fight doesn't make it so.

There are those of us who run our own businesses, or who write on our own websites, or aren't living paycheck to paycheck. Those of us who are not in acute danger of losing our livelihoods can take more risks. We can make more mistakes. We can stand even when sitting is safer. I ask that we be the first ones to do so, in place of those who cannot.

I am not asking everyone to be activists. I am not asking everyone to march on the front lines. I am not asking every writer, public figure, or celebrity to lead social movements. I am not asking them to make speeches on how they have a dream. I am, however, challenging people to not stay silent as the world crumbles. You do not have to yell. Even a whisper of truth matters in an echo chamber of lies.

Cicely Tyson, the Matron Saint of Everything Amazing, once said, “In my early years, there were a number of experiences that made me decide I could not afford the luxury of just being an actress. There were a number of issues I wanted to address. And I wanted to use my career as a platform.” That quote makes me fist pump, and it makes me look around and wonder why that type of courage cannot be more common. Are we living the lowered-expectations life when we expect otherwise? Probably. And the idealist in me would like to see more.

Money cannot absolve people from the moral obligation of condemning atrocities, but if people do choose to be silent, I hope they are at least using their good fortune to speak for them. Speaking up is not the only way to use your influence. Some people are privileged to be in the top 1 percent. Some are just lucky enough not to be drowning in debt or living in constant fear of financial fallout. Money is power, and it can be wielded to make change, even when the person who has it is silent. There are folks who are lacking for nothing and sitting on millions. What do you do with that after you buy all the yachts, go on all the vacations, splurge on every piece of clothing, and sock away enough to leave your children comfortable? There is only so much money you can spend in a lifetime, so what will you do with it? When your kids' kids are set financially, what else should you do besides give some of it away?

I have never seen a check with more than five zeros on it, so I cannot even fathom the amount of money some people have, and what goes into parceling it out. I know it exists, though. And I have some ideas for how to spend it: Write some checks for charity. Find worthy causes that you've researched and give them money. Find an afterschool program to support. Fund medical research to cure an illness. Listen. When you die, you cannot take it with you. You might as well find something useful to do with it here.

There are multiple ways to use your influence for something that matters. Some yell, some march, some teach, some sing, some give, some volunteer. You're famous and known and feel like you're having unfair expectations thrust upon you? Well, yeah. You're right. But again, from those to whom much is given, much is required. It's kind of the fee you have to pay for being at the top. We are not just affected by the issues that touch us directly. The rich should be fighting for the poor. The healthy should be fighting for the sick. The privileged should be fighting for the oppressed. If the people who support you are being hurt every single day, and you turn your back because the pain has nothing to do with you, then you are taking their very presence for granted.

If you have a microphone plugged into an amplifier, it is wrong for you not to sing. If you have been placed in a sphere of influence, I believe that it is wrong for you not to use it to better the world. If you do not feel like it is your duty to leave this place better than you found it, then you're taking everything around you for granted. Don't squander your social currency. Don't squander your wealth. And if some people stop supporting your work because you dared to do something about a shitty world, good riddance to bad things and assholes!

Shirley Chisolm said, “Service to others is the rent you pay for your room here on earth.” Some of us are mad delinquent on this rent. We owe back pay, but that's okay. We just need to start now. We can start doing better any time we want.

 

Notes

Introduction

1.     
   1
   damb:
   Because it's more fun than “damn.” Get used to this.
   

1. Gosh, You're the Worst

1.     
   2
   summagoat:
   Because sometimes folks act like they're the spawn of goats. Also, sometimes “son of a bitch” feels too harsh.
   

2.     
   3
   allatahm:
   “All the time” just doesn't have the same ring to it.
   

2. Why Must You Suck at Friendship?

1.     
   4
   UGLASS:
   Gives “UGLY ASS” some weight.
   

2.     
   5
   talmbout:
   Because “talking about” is too many syllables sometimes.
   

3. When Baehood Goes Bad

1.     
   6
   ijot:
   “Idiot,” according to Nigerians when we insult someone with fervor.
   

2.     
   7
   love pocket:
   The word “vagina” just isn't romantic. I prefer “love pocket,” because it is surely a pocket that is full of love and should be treated as such.
   

4. Under the Knife

1.     
   8
   yansh
   (also
   nyash
   ): This is pidgin English (spoken in Nigeria) for “ass.”
   

2.     
   9
   iSweaterGawd:
   It's more polite than swearing to God.
   

3.   
   10
   hairhat:
   Some wigs and weaves look like literal hats that folks placed on their heads. Therefore, they are hairhats.
   

9. Zamunda Is Not a Country. Neither Is Africa.

1.   
   11
   minuswell:
   “Might as well” is just too right.
   

2.   
   12
   aje butter
   (or
   butta
   ): Phrase used to describe upper-class (sometimes spoiled) people in Nigeria.
   

3.   
   13
   mtchew:
   West Indians refer to this as “steupsing”—it's the sound you make when you suck your teeth in annoyance.
   

4.   
   14
   Haysoos:
   A shout-out to the Spanish pronunciation of “Jesus.”
   

5.   
   15
   alphet:
   Because it's more fun to say than “outfit.” Now that you know this word, you cannot unknow it. You're welcome!
   

10. Rape Culture Is Real and It Sucks

1.   
   16
   This statistic is from the Crimes Against Children Research Center.
   https://victimsofcrime.org/media/reporting-on-child-sexual-abuse/child-sexual-abuse-statistics
   .
   

2.   
   17
   wall-slide:
   When something happens that renders you unable to talk about your feelings, so all you can do is just slide down a wall. Think of most Lifetime movies.
   

16. For Shame: Get Some eBehavior

1.   
   18
   unable to can:
   For when “I can't” doesn't do the job.
   

23. The Unreal World

1.   
   19
   comme des fackons:
   Because “come the fuck on” doesn't have the same ring to it.
   

 

Acknowledgments

OMG, I WROTE A BOOK! Yes, I am screaming that, and now there's an Acknowledgments section so you know it's real. I wrote a freaking book, and here you are, holding it in your hands and reading my words. Thank YOU for that. Thank YOU for spending time with my work. The fact that you made it this far means we officially go together.

This is a dream come true. I hope folks don't mind that I will have “author” next to my name now, like some folks have “MD” once they become doctors. I will officially be on Team Doing the Most, and when folks try to say stuff I don't like, I'll just randomly yell “I WROTE A BOOK,” even when it's not relevant.

Who do you have to blame for that? My agent, Michael Harriot of Folio Literary Agency, and my editor at Henry Holt, Allison Adler. Mike, thank you for seeing the value in my work and stepping out to represent me. I am really proud that I have now taught you what it means to be shady and how to give proper side-eye. You are welcome for the opportunity!

And Allison, thank you for trusting my vision and voice for this book. You made the process a joy, and you didn't judge me when I called you squealing when my book was officially available for preorder. I hope your ears have recovered from my gleeful hollering. You also make me realize that editors are priceless diamonds who must be cherished, because they make us writers look good. Props to the entire Henry Holt team for believing in this book.

In the times when I didn't trust my own voice, I was able to fall back on some of my mentors who I have also forced to be my friends and now they cannot get rid of me: Aliya S. King, Denene Millner, and Karen Walrond. You three pushed me forward when I wanted to stop because I didn't know if the words sucked. And many thanks to Rakia Clark for helping me make my manuscript sing when I thought it croaked!

Meanwhile, the people who will have to put up with me with my newfound importance as a Topflight Author of the World must be thanked. My family is my backbone, and I love them dearly. My mom, especially, deserves gratitude—not just because she gave me life, but because my side-eye was passed down from her. I've been on the receiving end of it all my life, and it has taught me how to also tell people to have a seat without words. I high-five heaven for my first home, Yemi. Shout-out to my sister, Kofo, my biggest cheerleader and my partner in petty. Thank you for always lifting me up. And thanks to my bro, Dele, and my sis-cuzzo, Morayo. My blood squad is amazing, man! I love y'all like Nigerians love white rice.

My chosen family is the shit, too. If you think I have no chill, you should meet my friends. Not one of them has behavior, and this is partly why I keep them around. They have allowed me to practice my shadiness over the years. But also, they celebrate with me, and our love is real. It was in Antonio's apartment that I read the e-mail saying I got my deal! Tesheena was who I called first. Toccara saw me right after I signed with my publisher. Patrice got to hear me do a jig when I finished my manuscript. They're four out of too many dope folks to name. I LOVE Y'ALL. We're gonna be ninety, still cackling like drunk seals. We will chase young folks off each other's lawns.

This book is dedicated to LuvvNation, my online community. I am fortunate to have built an incredible base of chill-deficient, intelligent, brilliant, thoughtful, HILARIOUS, life-affirming people I've come to regard as the cousins I've never met. They fill my gratitude basket each and every day. And where the comments section of most websites on the Internet is the den of iniquity, mine is a black hole of brilliance, thanks to the folks who read my blog. This book is for and because of them.

Last but not least, like the cliché Christian that I am, I have to thank God. I firmly believe that my path has been littered with God's grace, and it has elevated and propelled me forward. I am thankful because my life is a testament to something greater than myself, and for me, that greatness is God. God is good ALLATAHM, and ALLATAHM God is good.

If I've left you out, blame it on my head, not my heart—and on the word count I need to respect. Sooo, blame it on Allison, basically. She told me to erase the AMAZING paragraph I dedicated to you. Okay, fine, I'm lying. She did not. I STILL LOVE YOU. We still go together!

Thank you for reading this labor of love (and side-eye).

 

About the Author

L
UVVIE
A
JAYI
is an award-winning writer, pop-culture critic, and professional troublemaker who thrives at the intersection of comedy, technology, and activism. She is the person who often says what you're thinking but didn't dare to because you have a filter and a job to protect. She is also a digital strategist, noted speaker, and executive director of The Red Pump Project, a national HIV/AIDS organization.

P.S. “Ajayi” is pronounced just like it's spelled. AH-JA-YEE. You can sign up for email updates
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