I'm with You (11 page)

We dump our lunch trays and head out to the quad like good little gophers and hand out Hurley’s party flyers. There are actually a lot of people excited about it.

Halloween

“This party is going to be off the chains,” Brianna squeaks in my face as she applies the finishing touches to my makeup.

Looking at myself in the mirror I have to admit she has done an amazing job.  I really do look like ‘Harley Quinn.’ I almost don’t recognize my own reflection; I look sexy — like a vixen.

Cutter takes my seat in front of the mirror now and it is his turn to have his face painted. He pulls me into his lap while Brianna gets more makeup from her bag and he kisses my mouth.

“You look so hot; maybe we should skip the party and stay here in the bedroom and do a little role playing, so the costumes don’t go completely to waste...” He runs his hand down my cleavage. Brianna is a master at creating the illusion of having more boobs than what you have.

I almost forget Brianna is in the room with us until she clears her throat. “Oh no you two don’t! I did not just spend almost two hours doing Bella’s makeup so you can lick it off or whatever it is the two of you do with each other.”  She lays more tubes of white face paint in front of the mirror.

Cutter gives me one more kiss before releasing me.

“Don’t make me use my whip.” Brianna points at Cutter and flashes him a playful grin.

“Yes Ma’am,” he salutes, her and I go see if Hurley needs any help before the whole college gets here. 

I put Hurley’s
iPod
on the dock and select his ‘spooky’ play list.  Herds of people start filing in and spreading throughout the house. I have received a lot of compliments on my costume. I really have to hand it to Brianna she knows her fashion and makeup. I can’t wait to see what she does with Cutter.

**

“These kids are wallflowers, come on,” Brianna and Hurley lead me onto the make shift dance floor in the center of the living room. They sandwich me between them, and start bumping and grinding me. I can’t help but laugh, because Hurley is a shitty dancer and he is making the funniest facial expressions with his mouth.  I see Cutter watching us through the island that separates the kitchen and living room and laughing too.

“Help me,” I mouth the words at Cutter. He shakes his head and keeps laughing. Punk, I’ll remember this later when he wants a kiss.  He makes a great Joker, with his shit eating grin.

Hurley keeps up his goofy antics and pretends he is spanking my ass, I switch spots with Brianna and dance my way to the kitchen.  I am in need of a beer and a cigarette. This house is taking a toll on my nerves; I need to take the edge off.

**

The party is going well; Cutter has only had to toss a few assholes that couldn’t handle their beer out on the lawn.  One of the guys from my English class is being a taxi for the people who have been drinking.  I am in the kitchen watching Cutter play beer pong and failing miserably at it when suddenly the vibe of the party takes a downward spiral.

I look onto the dance floor to see Brianna trapped between two ‘vampires’.  I figure she can use some rescuing by the agitated look on her face. Grabbing her by her kitty tail I lead her to the kitchen so she can laugh at Cutter with me.  We are having a good time when Nolan comes out of nowhere and grabs Brianna by the back of the head, shoving his tongue down her throat. Hurley looks like a bull seeing red. Brianna pushes Nolan away and starts to cry or laugh. I can’t tell the difference with the sounds coming from her mouth.

Hurley is getting in Nolan’s face and poking him in the chest. “What the fuck bro? You come to my party, drink my beer and hit on my girl. Just because your family owns this property doesn’t mean you can come in here and do whatever the fuck you want.”  He looks like he is ready to throw down. “You’re a fucking piece of shit man.”

Cutter steps between the two of them, and all I can think is I hope he doesn’t get punched in the shuffle.

“Hey man it’s cool, I didn’t know.  Brianna used to be my girl. I didn’t know you two were a thing. My apologies to you and the pussy — cat.”  Nolan gives a smug smirk and holds his hand out to Hurley. You can cut the tension with a knife. I don’t like the way Nolan is trying to provoke Hurley. It’s so obvious he’s just trying to push his buttons.

This could go two ways and I don’t want to stick around to find out which. I take Brianna to the back bedroom to let her get some space from the testosterone polluting the air.  I need a moment myself. Being in this house is so hard, it brings up so many memories that I don’t want to revisit. I close the door and my heart rips into tiny pieces once it shuts. Mine and Harlan’s initials are still carved on the back of it.  Brianna starts laughing.

“What is so funny? How is any of this amusing to you? I thought you were crying.” I take a seat beside her on the bed.

“Nolan, that’s what. He never made it known to many that I was his girl. Now that he sees me with someone else, he thinks he can stake his claim on me. Harlan was the same way about you, ya know?” She takes my beer and takes a hard swig. “I need to get the taste of Nolan from my mouth.” I shudder at the thought of what that must be like.

All I can do is nod; I can’t talk about him — Harlan with her. I know she would understand probably more than anyone since we both have dated the Rivers’ brothers.  But being here in this house and talking about the past is more than even I can take. I know she means well and it would probably feel good to get some of my feelings off my chest, but not tonight. I just want to enjoy the party. We can bond over our past loves some other night.

“We need to liven this party back up and I have just the thing.” She rises from the bed and walks out into the hall. “Meet me in the living room and get everyone ready to play a game.”

I walk back into the kitchen to find everyone drinking and laughing again. Looks like the Nolan situation resolved itself. I feel a rush of relief when my eyes land on an unscathed Cutter.

“Are you good?’ Cutter wraps his arms around my waist and rests his chin on my shoulder. He kisses my neck sweetly.

“Yeah, this makeup is itching the shit outta my face though.”

“Mine too,” he nibbles on my ear. “Come with me,” he leads me out onto the back porch to steal a kiss. If he keeps kissing me like this with his magic tongue we are going to miss the rest of the party.

Brianna comes carrying the box to that damned Ouija board game she bought a few weeks back. I am so not playing.

“Come on y’all don’t be shy it’s just a game.” Brianna points her finger around the room at those of us still here.

Most of the guest has cleared out over the past hour or so. Hurley takes the pillar candles from throughout the house and makes a big circle in the middle of the floor.  He takes a seat beside of Brianna and the board in the center of the floor. Cutter looks at me like he is unsure, but I tell him it is fine. I mean hell it is only a kiddy game. 

“Come on guys we need at least one more person.” Brianna barks out to no one particular, but Nolan decides to take the fourth spot in the circle.  “Okay have any of us done this before?” She asks.

Everyone shakes their heads no in unison. She instructs them to lightly place their fingers on the eye.  They do as she says and sit in silence for a few minutes. I grow bored and go into the kitchen while they sit on the floor getting their cheeks numb.

After my snack and a much needed smoke I come back to them whispering and accusing the other of moving it. This is a joke and a waste of time I laugh to myself.  But the air in the house shifts and goose bumps raise the hair on the back of my neck. I get an uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach. I think I am going to lose my cheese and crackers.

Something tells me Harlan is near. I can’t see him, but I can feel him. Being in this house is not good for me, and after tonight I am never coming back. You can get through the rest of the party, just be cool. Yeah right, it’s easier said than done. I don’t know what I was thinking even being here tonight. I know better than to come here.

I close my eyes and throw my head back on the couch, hoping these feelings will pass and that I don’t vomit my emotions onto the floor. I massage my temples trying to ease the tension headache I feel coming on. My moment of peace doesn’t last long. My eyes pop wide open when I hear what they asking the board.

“Is the spirit here with us tonight related to someone in this room? Do you have a message you’d like us to pass on.” I can’t even focus on who is doing the asking.

I don’t even realize I am now standing in the circle of candles watching — waiting until I see the board answer yes. I hold my breath as Brianna asks if the spirit will give their name.  They start to move the eye or it moves, I should say. They let it guide them from letter to letter eventually spelling out the name Harlan.

A tear falls down my cheek. How could they think this is funny?  I am frozen in place. I don’t want them to think they can hurt me. Never let them see you cry, I chant to myself.  But it doesn’t work; I say it once more as more tears flood my eyes.

“Do have a message for us Harlan,” Hurley asks.

A minute passes and another — nothing.  The urge to cut hits me and I feel the ache in my chest, the poison bubbling, raging to escape.

I’m not sure which one of them was doing it or why, but I know that it wasn’t Harlan. He would not scare me like that or hurt me so deeply.

“Cutter please take me home. I need to go.”

“Sure just let me grab my keys,” the fun has drained from his face.

I am not sure if it is my tone or my expression, but I can tell he knows what I want. What I need tonight. And he doesn’t want to give it to me. This is it, Cutter and I are ending our friendship, or whatever this was we thought we were doing. Who was I fooling? 
Apparently me
. No one will ever love me like Harlan.  Nolan gets up from the floor and stretches before asking if he can walk me out. I don’t know why but I decide to hear him out.

“Bells, I miss him too, ya know. Sometimes I think I hear him or even see him. I know this must sound crazy.” He awkwardly brushes his thumb over a stray tear on my cheek. “It’s okay to cry too, I know it hurts. I hurt too.”

“Do you forget who you are talking to? Resident crazy right here,” I wave my hand at him.

Cutter is at his motorcycle waiting for me.  And he groans like he is annoyed that Nolan is talking to me. “You ready, we need to get going if
I
am going to
take you
home.”

“Yeah I am coming.” It irritates me the way Cutter just insinuated that I would want anyone else — Nolan — to drive me home, no thanks. I have had enough creepiness for one night.

“You know if you ever want to talk or whatever, give me a call. It was nice seeing you here tonight. Like old times Bells.” Nolan gives me an uncomfortable hug.  I half hug him back out of courtesy and obligation. I don’t want to hurt his feelings, even if he is a douche waffle.  I can’t be rude to him when he is hurting, even if he doesn’t exactly deserve my kindness.

I climb onto the back of the bike without giving anyone a second look or another word to Cutter.

“Better hold on tight, it is going to be a cold ride to town,” Cutter tells me with indifference. So this is how it’s going to be. I am about to get the brush off. Harlan brushed me off enough times that I can see one coming a mile away.

After a bone chilling ride through the night air we arrive at our building in town square.

“Thanks for the ride.”  I take a moment to get off the bike, and I am unsure what else there is to say.

“S0 listen — Cutter cuts me off before I can speak.

“Back there the whole Ouija board stuff, you know that wasn’t me, right? I would never hurt you like that Bella.  I know you are ready to go wash that shit off your face, but just promise me. Promise me that you won’t hurt yourself.”

“Cutter I never make promises I don’t intend to keep. If there is one thing you can trust about me, it is that.”

“I could be good for you, if you’d let me Bella. Let me in, be mine.” I walk away and get on the elevator alone. I can’t — belong to him.

When I reach my floor, I hear the sound of Cutter driving away on his bike fading into the distance. So much for that, I guess it was only a matter of time though, how much of me can he really take, before I wear him down. I didn’t think it would be possible to become any more broken than I already am, but Cutter driving away tonight hurts me more than I want it to.

A part of me, and I mean a huge part wants so badly to call him and  lie… to tell him that yes I want to be his, but I know he’d see through it, he is always able to call me on my shit. I owe him better than that. Maybe he’ll go back to the party and meet a good girl, a girl that deserves him.

I get inside my apartment and strip out of my costume and wash away the remains of the night in the shower.  I don’t bother washing my hair, I just want sleep to find me and take me far away from here.

If only I could travel back in time. I would go back to when I first met Cutter on the bridge. I would jump and then I wouldn’t be stuck here now —unable to go back and yet unable to move forward.  And I wouldn’t be hurting someone good like Cutter. He’d be so much better off if he hadn’t followed me to the falls that day.

It was fun pretending to be normal for a while, but it was exhausting too. Keeping up appearance, making friends, keeping up with school, I never wanted any of this. I didn’t ask Cutter to be my savior, but part of me wishes he would barge in here right now and take my pain away.