Imaginary Grace (39 page)

He stepped back, a sick grin spreading across his face. “There’s nothing you can do about it. She’s free to do whatever she wants, and something tells me what she’ll be doing next is me.”

Then he turned and the four of them headed up the stairs and into the diner.

“C’mon, man, let’s get outta here,” Scott said, tugging on my arm.

“Fuck!” I said, as we started walking toward his truck. “I gotta warn Grace to stay away from him.”

“You can’t do that, T. Grace
is
free, she can do whatever she wants or go out with whoever she wants, but I wouldn’t worry about it. She’d never go out with Gary.”

“I don’t think she’d go out with him either, but what if he…” I trailed off.

“That was just rumor,” Scott countered. “The girl was never able to prove anything.”

“You didn’t see her, Scott. I saw what that girl looked like when I got there and then the mess she was when I found her wandering around outside. I know he did it. She said Gary was the last person she remembered being with, and when I saw him later with that smug look on his face I knew it was him. I knew he’d drugged her.”

“Then why didn’t she go to the police?”

“How would I know,” I snapped. “Maybe she was embarrassed and just wanted to put it behind her, but I never saw her again after that. I heard she left school and moved back home or something.”

“T, think about it. Gary’s not a bad-looking guy. Do you really think he has to drug girls to get them into bed?”

I relented just a bit. “Okay, maybe saying he drugged her is going too far, but he did something.”

“Or, maybe she just got drunk and went with him willingly. It happens all the time. And then afterward she regretted it and
said
that maybe he drugged her.”

“Oh and suddenly, what, you’re like the voice of reason or something?” Scott was starting to piss me off.

“Well, someone has to be because it sounds like you’re going off half-cocked or something.”

“Either way,” I argued, “I’ve got to warn Grace. She should know what he’s capable of.”

“Whatever,” Scott said, now clearly fed up with the topic, “Do what you have to do. Hey and by the way, what happened back there at that girl’s apartment? She was fuming when I left.” We got to Scott’s truck and he pulled out his keys. “What did you do to get her all riled up?”

“The usual.” I shrugged, then pulled open the passenger door and slid inside.

Once home I fell into bed, but I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t get the thought of Gary with his paws all over Grace out of my head. I knew Scott didn’t agree, but I had to talk to her. I had to let her know what the deal was with Gary.

I finally fell asleep just as the sun started coming up, but it was a restless sleep and it didn’t last long. At around eleven o’clock, I was awakened by a loud knock on my bedroom door.
Fuckin’ Scott.
“Yeah,” I called, and was surprised when the door opened and my brother stuck his head in. “Hey, don’t you return phone calls?”

“Oh, hey, Mike,” I said as I sank back down onto the pillows. “What’s up?”

“
What’s up?
” he said, sounding annoyed. “No one’s heard from you in weeks, and Mom was worried. I was going to be in the neighborhood, so I told her I’d check in on you.”

“Oh…well, I’m fine.” I put my hand over my eyes. My head was throbbing.

“Clearly,” he said as he nonchalantly walked over to the window. His eye caught sight of the hole in the wall and lingered there. “What happened here?”

When I didn’t answer, he turned and said, “Tanner, I know something’s up with you. If you don’t what to talk about it, that’s fine. As long as I know you’re okay, I’ll just tell Mom you’ve been busy with finals or something.”

I wasn’t going to say anything, but suddenly I just blurted out, “It’s Grace. We’re finished.”

The first thing he said after, “Oh, man, sorry to hear that,” was, “Wow, Mom’ll be crushed.” Then he asked the inevitable, “What happened?”

“It was my fault. I screwed up, and please don’t ask me what I did – I don’t want to talk about it.”

He nodded. “Well, whatever it was, I’m sorry to hear it.”

Before he could say anything else I said, “And don’t tell Mom. Not yet, anyway. She’ll give me the third degree, and I’m not up to it. I’ll tell her when I have to.”

He didn’t question me any further, and I think he understood why I didn’t want my mom to know. If she knew about Grace, she’d start worrying about me again, so it was best to put it off as long as possible.

Mike hung out for a while, then he had to get going. He was coaching Trevor’s t-ball game. After he left, I started thinking about how/when/where I would approach Grace about the Gary situation. I hadn’t been back to the Tuesday class since the last time I’d seen her there. I had an A average, so I figured the professor couldn’t fail me, even if I didn’t show up again or take the final. I knew it was stupid to totally bag it, but the thought of seeing Grace again after that last time… it just hadn’t seemed worth it.

Now, though, I decided my safest bet would be to just suck it up and find her there. The only other options were the gym, which didn’t make sense since Gary would probably be there, or her dorm, but there I would run the risk of her slamming the door in my face. It was settled. I’d show up on Tuesday, say what I had to say, and then be on my way. Hopefully she’d heed my warning.

Later that afternoon, Scott asked if I wanted to go downtown with him to shoot some pool. I said yes since I had nothing better to do, so at around four o’clock we headed downtown to the pool hall. When we got there, we ordered some beers, racked up some balls, and started playing.

Every time my mind started to drift toward Grace, I immediately shoved the thought away to the back of my mind and either got another drink or started talking to Scott about any random topic that popped into my head. At some point during the night, we were joined by two very hot girls who recognized me from the show the night before.

I really wasn’t in the mood for making small talk with them, but Scott kept trying to keep the conversation going. Before I knew it, they had joined us in a game, but not before I went up to the bar for more drinks. If these girls were going to stay with us, I was going to have to get drunk; if I didn’t I’d feel like I was cheating on Grace. Crazy, I know, but I couldn’t help it, so against my better judgment I ordered a round of Kamikazes and once again the festivities began.

A couple of rounds later, Scott decided to invite the twosome back to our place and –
surprise, surprise
- they agreed. When we arrived, Scott wasted no time in getting the girl he was with into his room, leaving me alone on the couch with the other one.

“Why don’t we go hang out in your room,” she said as she trailed her fingers up and down my arm.

I’d had a lot to drink, but what else was new so I just smiled as I got to my feet, put my hand out to her, and led her down the hall. When we got to the door of my room, I gestured for her to go in first, then I stepped in and closed the door behind us. When I turned back around she was already on the bed waiting for me. I stared at her, blinking, because all I could see was Grace looking back at me. I hadn’t had a girl in my room since Grace, and it just didn’t seem right to have anyone else here. I couldn’t very well throw her out, but there was no way I was going to do anything with her, not here, with Grace still so fresh in my mind.

I felt myself step back, and she asked, “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” I said, “I…I…just remembered I need to take care of something.” Without another word I walked out, leaving this random, willing girl alone in my bedroom. I grabbed my jacket and left the apartment and just started walking. I didn’t know where I was going, but I knew I had to get away from there, away from the sight of that girl lying where Grace should be lying.

When I came across a park bench about a half mile from the apartment, I stopped and sat down, resting my elbows on my knees and my head in my hands. It wasn’t fair; it just wasn’t fair. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t get her out of my head. As I sat there, I wondered to myself if it would ever end. How much longer would it be like this? When would the pain finally go away?

Chapter 53

Grace

B
eth had a lot of homework to finish up on Sunday, so we didn’t get to the gym until much later than usual. We finished our workout just as the place was closing, and on our way out, Gary caught up to us.

“You guys wanna get something to eat?” he asked, smiling. He was the same old Gary, not a hint of the obnoxious guy I’d seen at the party that night. I’d already eaten and wasn’t hungry, but Beth said she was starving, so we decided to go.

The cafeteria was the closest place and was still open for about another hour, so that’s where we went. Once inside the nearly-empty cafeteria, we took a table in the back and I waited there while Beth and Gary got their food. The moment they left the table, my thoughts returned to Tanner. Weeks had passed since the day I’d stormed out of the lecture hall, and I still couldn’t be alone with my thoughts.

I hadn’t heard from Tanner since that day, so I could only assume he had given up and moved on, especially since he hadn’t shown up again for the Tuesday class. It was for the best, at least that’s what I kept telling myself.

Through all of it, Gary had been one of the few distractions, and a pleasant one. He knew right away, the first time he saw me at the gym alone, that something had happened with Tanner, but when he asked, I was purposely vague, saying only that, “Things just didn’t work out.” Aside from the fact that I was too mortified about what had happened to tell anyone but
Beth, I knew he and Tanner had a history; telling Gary anything more would be…well, I didn’t know what it would be, but it was nobody’s business, anyway. Gary didn’t press me for details, so it never became an issue.

Gary knew all the campus gossip, and it was always fun to listen to him fill us in while we worked out. He was actually kind of funny, and under different circumstances…who knew? Maybe Gary and I might have gotten together, but at this point I could never consider him anything more than just a friend.

Just then Beth and Gary arrived at the table with their food. “So, what’s up for the next couple of weeks, ladies?” he said. “The semester’s winding down and I hear there’s going to be a huge party—I’m talking gigantic-- the week after next, right after finals. You guys interested?”

“Sounds great,” Beth said. “I’m definitely in.”

I didn’t answer right away. I still wasn’t in the mood for parties. But then Gary turned to me and said, “How about you, Grace?”

I looked down at my hands. “I don’t know. I’ll think about it.”

“You’ll ‘think about it.’ Well that’s better than your usual flat-out no,” Gary said, chuckling, and began unwrapping his sandwich.

Just then Beth spotted her friend, Kim, who frantically waved her over – probably with some tidbit of Adam gossip she’d heard. Beth stood and said she’d be right back, but I doubted it because then she picked up her tray, taking her food with her and leaving Gary and me alone at the table.

I started rummaging through my bag looking for my phone. Gary said, “Grace, you should really think about coming to the party next week. Have you been out at all since…?”

I shot him a sharp look. “Since?”

“You know what I mean. Since…the breakup,” he finally said.

“I’m not becoming a hermit or anything, if that’s what you mean. I just haven’t been in the mood to go out, that’s all.” I shrugged, then added, “Listen, I know you and Tanner have some sort of beef between you, but you don’t know anything about us or what happened, so don’t pretend you do.”

Gary put down his sandwich and threw his hands up in defense. “Whoa, Grace, I’m not trying to push you. I just think you should get out. I mean…I’m sure
he’s
not sitting home.”

“And what’s that supposed to mean?”

“Nothing,” he said, shaking his head. “I’m just saying that from what I know about Tanner, he’s not the kind of guy who sits around pining, that’s all.” I didn’t say anything. It wasn’t like the same thought hadn’t crossed my mind, oh, about a million times a day. “Grace, I know Tanner better than you think I do.”

I flapped my hand back and forth lightly at him as I said, “Yeah, yeah, I know the mysterious beef. Whatever.”

He sat back in his chair for a moment, as if considering something. “Grace, I betcha Tanner never told you what happened between us and why he has the ‘beef’ with me.”

Hmm…Tanner never had told me what transpired between them, but I don’t think I ever came right out and asked him. Suddenly I was curious.

My lack of response was all the response Gary needed. “Well, I’m not really surprised that he’s never told you since it’s pretty messed up, but if you want to know, I’ll tell you.”

I just shrugged, knowing he would take it as the go-ahead. “I’ll take that as a yes.” He leaned across the table and in a lowered voice said, “But do me a favor and keep it between you and me since I probably shouldn’t be telling you.”

He was stringing me along now, and I had to resist the urge to wave him on. “Well, let’s see…it was probably a little over a year ago,” he began. “There was a big frat party on the north end. It was huge – I think the entire student body was there. I knew Tanner from seeing him around, but we weren’t friends or anything. Anyway, there was this group of girls there who I’d seen around a few times, but they didn’t usually go to the frat parties. I was with my buddies and didn’t pay much attention to them, but later on I saw Tanner hanging out with them. Again, I didn’t think much of it except to say that they didn’t really seem like Tanner’s…I don’t know…like Tanner’s type.

“The night went on, and when I saw them again he seemed to have singled out one of the girls and was talking to her while the others mingled with each other.”

I didn’t understand where this story was going or how a beef could have developed as a result, but I said nothing, just kept listening. “The girl was small and kind of nondescript, but I could tell that she was drunk –
really
drunk, I mean like
beyond
drunk. A little later, I went into the kitchen to grab another beer, and I noticed the group of girls hanging around the keg, minus Tanner and the one he’d been talking to.

“Again, no big deal. I figured maybe he left with her or they were upstairs, so after I got my beer I went back to where my buddies were. Not too long after, I went out to the front yard to look for Adam, and that’s when out of the corner of my eye I saw the girl head into the backyard, looking really out of it.

“I went back to check it out, and when I found her she was like a total mess. Her hair was completely disheveled, her shirt was torn, she didn’t have any shoes on, and she seemed like she’d been crying.”

My stomach tightened and I forced the thought from the back of my mind. I was starting to see where he was going with all of this.

“I asked her what had happened, but she wouldn’t tell me. She was really upset and said she didn’t remember, but when I asked her about the last thing she did remember, she said she’d been talking to Tanner, then he took her upstairs and that’s where everything went blank.”

I sat there, stunned, my stomach now in knots. That couldn’t possibly be true. The Tanner I knew would’ve
never
done anything like that.
The Tanner I thought I knew.

“Anyway, rumor around campus was that she’d been drugged, but no one could prove it, especially since she refused to talk. But if you ask me, I don’t think he drugged her—she could have easily blacked out from all the alcohol. Anyway, ever since then, he’s had it in for me—probably saw me talking to her after…after whatever happened, happened.”

“Wait a minute…” I said, breaking my silence, “…the friends she was with at the party must have known who she was with, so why would he single you out?”

“I’m sure they did, but nobody was talking. Grace, you’ve got to understand, things like this happen all the time-- by the next weekend it was forgotten. People just moved on to the next piece of gossip. That’s just the way it is.”

“What happened to the girl?” I asked.

“I don’t know. I never saw her again after that.” Gary popped a French fry into his mouth.

I sat back and thought about what I had just heard, and maybe I was being naïve, but it sounded crazy. Like Tanner was this whole other person, but…was he? He’d certainly had me fooled. Could it be possible that what Gary was saying was true?

“Anyway, keep that story on the down-low,” Gary said. “Especially since it’s kind of water under the bridge at this point.”

By now Beth had returned, empty tray in hand, and I could tell by the look on her face that she’d gotten an earful from Kim. It should be an interesting walk home, I thought.

I couldn’t wait to get out of there, but Gary took his time, seeming almost chipper as he polished off his food. Finally, he was finished and the three of us got up to leave. Once outside, we parted ways and Beth and I started towards home. As soon as Gary was out of earshot, Beth repeated everything Kim had told her. Rumor had it that Adam had gone home for the weekend, and while he was there, he broke up with his girlfriend of two years.

“Do you think it was because of you?” I asked. “You’re not thinking of breaking up with Tom, are you?”

“I don’t know why he did it,” she replied, “but I’m definitely not breaking up with Thomas. Anyway, enough about me, what’s up with Gary? You two looked deep in conversation.”

I desperately wanted to tell her, if only to hear her say how ludicrous it was, but something held me back. I didn’t want to admit to myself that the story might be true. “Oh, you know Gary – the usual gym and campus gossip. Nothing we haven’t heard before.”

“Oh, I thought maybe he was going to make a move and ask you out or something. I told you I think he has the hots for you.”

Beth had shared her thoughts about that subject before, and while it sometimes seemed that way, I could never be sure if Gary was genuinely interested in me or if he just wanted to stick it to Tanner. Either way, it didn’t matter; for the moment it was best I just kept to myself. Besides, the school year was ending soon and I’d be heading back home. As far as I was concerned, it couldn’t come fast enough.

I wasn’t nervous on my way to class on Tuesday, since I was fairly certain that Tanner wouldn’t be there. It was weird. After I walked away from him that day, it was like he had just disappeared off the face of the earth. Sure enough, when I arrived I didn’t see him, and I wondered if he would show up for the final next week. Class dragged as usual, and as soon as it was over, I grabbed my bag and rushed out.

I was walking down the hall when I heard a familiar voice call my name. I turned to see Tanner standing there, and I froze as he began to walk toward me. “Hey, can I talk to you a minute?” he said.

“Uh, yeah, sure,” I said, wondering what he was doing there and angry at myself for caring.

“It’ll only take a minute. Let’s go outside,” he suggested.

I followed him outside to a bench at the far end of the building and we both sat down. He didn’t say anything right away, like he wasn’t sure what he was going to say. “Listen,” he said finally, “I know you made it pretty clear the last time I saw you that you wanted nothing more to do with me and I guess…I guess I understand, though obviously I’m not happy about it. It’s just that I…I
really
miss you Grace.”

“Tanner,” I began, but he put his hand up to stop me.

“I know, don’t worry. I’m not going to start bugging you to get back or anything. Like I said, you made it clear that it was over, and I get it, but that’s not what this is about.”

“So what’s this about then?”

He sat back for a minute, his eyes flicking around to make sure no one could hear. “Just because we’re not together anymore doesn’t mean I can just stop caring about you. There’s something I think you should be aware of.”

“What?”

“I know you’ve been hanging around with Gary and…”

“Gary! Is that what this is about, Gary? Nothing is going on with me and Gary. What do you think? That I’m going to jump into bed with Gary now?”

“I didn’t say that--” he began, but I cut him off.

“You know, this hasn’t been easy for me, either. The last thing I want to do is get involved with someone else. That was a big deal for me, and you know it was, and then to find out it was all bull…? I’m not saying it’ll never happen. I’m sure at some point it will, but right now I’m not interested in dating Gary or anyone else for that matter.”

“It wasn’t bullshit, Grace, and you know it. You said yourself that there’s no way I could have faked what we had, no fucking way,” he said, getting himself worked up again.

“Tanner, please. What’s this about?” I asked, annoyed at myself for opening up this can of worms again. “I’m sure you didn’t come here to rehash everything, so just spit it out. What do you need to tell me that’s so important?”

He sat back on the bench and huffed out a deep breath, obviously trying to calm himself down. “Listen to me,” he said, raising his eyes to mine. “Gary is
not
who you think he is, okay? You just need to be careful when you’re around him. He can’t be trusted.”

“And you know this because…?” I asked.

“Because I’ve heard things, and I’ve
seen
things and because…” he continued, but I stopped him.

“Tanner, this is crazy. Gary’s harmless, but if it’ll make you feel better, I’ll make sure to keep my guard up when he’s around. How’s that? Would that satisfy your unjustified concern?”

“Grace, this is no joke. It would kill me if anything happened to you,” he said.

“Well, nothing is going to happen to me. Now, are we done here?” I stood up and mentally prepared myself to walk away from him again. “You know what’s funny? Gary seems to think that
you’re
the one who I need to be cautious around. Maybe the two of you should get together and get your stories straight.”

When he heard that, a hot angry flush spread across Tanner’s face. “Grace, whatever he told you about me is pure bullshit. Don’t believe anything he tells you.”

Tanner seemed genuinely enraged, which only made me doubt Gary’s story even more. Not that I thought he was lying, just that he’d gotten his facts wrong. Unfortunately, it didn’t change anything between me and Tanner. “I need to get going, Tanner. Is there anything else?” I asked.