Imagine That (22 page)

He nodded.

“Rachel told me about the letter she sent,” Emily said. “She's already forgiven you.”

His throat worked. “Another reason I need to face her. For once I don't want to be a coward and avoid my shame. But mostly, she needs to know I loved her, and that it was nothing she did. I can't let her die thinking I didn't care. I've hurt her so much, and she deserves at least that from me. I can't change the past or undo all the damage I've done, but I can do this for her.”

“What about Nate and Zach? Will you beg their forgiveness, too?”

“If they'll let me. I don't deserve it, but I'd like a chance to try.”

“Nate will never agree to let you see her,” Emily said, picturing a reunion filled with shouts and accusations. She shuddered at the images running through her mind. “Never.”

“Then maybe you can help me.”

Emily's mind shrieked a resounding no. She did not want to get involved. Couldn't get involved. Nate would never forgive her if she did.

“Don't do it for me,” Dale said. “Do it for Rachel. Please. You have to help me make it right. For her.”

Emily pulled the library van into Rachel's driveway. She stared at the house for a moment, contemplating for perhaps the hundredth time what she was about to do. Her conscience battled with her nerves, while a cloud of doom hovered across her vision. A bit dramatic perhaps, but she couldn't shake the notion her fragile relationship with Nate would derail after today.

“Are you going inside?”

She jumped, eyes flicking to the rearview mirror. Dale Cooper sat in the seat behind her. His eyes were fixed on the front door, his expression desperate yet hopeful, like a man who'd spotted an oasis in the desert, but wasn't sure if it was real or a mirage.

“I'm going,” Emily said. “You stay hidden until I say it's okay to come out. Under no circumstances are you to get out of this van.”

“I feel like a fugitive trying to sneak in to see his girl before the sheriff shows up.”

“You
are
a fugitive,” she retorted. “And your son is the sheriff in these parts. You cannot be seen here.”

“I understand.”

Emily reached for the door handle just as Dale touched her shoulder. “Thank you for helping me,” he said. “I know you don't understand why I left, and I know I've put you in an awkward position, but you still agreed.”

“I'm doing this for Rachel,” Emily said. “She deserves to know the truth. Here's the thing. I'm going to ask if she'll see you, but if she says no, I'm done. I won't force her, and I won't plead your case.”

“I know.”

Emily grabbed the pile of books she'd brought for Rachel and hopped out of the van. She approached the house with the reluctance of a person heading to the guillotine. Anna opened the door, her smile wide and welcoming. Getting her out of the house was easy. She didn't even blink when Emily said she'd look after Rachel while Anna took care of some errands.

Anna bustled around the house, flinging instructions as she gathered her purse and keys. Emily swallowed down her guilt. She might as well have a giant, blinking
Traitor
sign on her forehead. Once Anna was gone, Emily walked toward Rachel's room, half hoping the other woman was asleep.

No such luck.

“Hello, Emily,” Rachel said.

Wide awake. Emily took that as a sign God wanted a reunion to happen. Now, if only Rachel did.

“I've brought your books,” Emily said.

“I know. I've been waiting. Come in. I hope you can stay for awhile?”

“I plan to,” Emily said, scuffing her shoe against the carpet. She struggled to find the words to say. How did one start?

Hey, your scumbag husband is outside hiding in my van.
Only he
'
s not
a scumbag.
More like a coward, but you should see him so you don
'
t die thinking he
was a scumbag who never loved you
.

Yeah, not the best way to go about such a delicate operation.

“Emily, why are you hovering in the doorway?” Rachel asked. “Come sit down.”

“I can't right now,” Emily said, looking Rachel in the eye. “There's something I have to tell you, and I don't know how other than to just spit it out.”

She shifted on the bed. “What's wrong?”

Emily sent up a silent prayer.
God
,
please let me find the words.
Please let this be the right thing.
“I didn't only bring books today.”

“What did you bring?”

“Not what. Who. It's Dale,” Emily said on a deep breath.

Rachel's eyes went wide, and a hand fluttered to her chest. “My Dale? He's here? I don't understand. Why—”

“Your letter. Once he read it, he knew he needed to see you. He wants a chance to explain. To tell you what happened.”

“I don't understand. How do you know Dale? Why is he with you?”

“Long story, which doesn't matter right now. What matters is how you feel. Do you want to see him?”

“Dale's back after all these years?” Rachel gripped the quilt on the bed. “What could he possible say?”

“The truth. He could finally tell you about his life. The life he knew before you and the one he's been living since.”

“He told you then? Why he left?”

Emily nodded. “He told me enough and… and I believe him.”

Rachel closed her eyes for a moment, and when she opened them, the fear seemed to have receded.

“Do you want me to bring him in now?” Emily asked.

“Yes.”

Dale hadn't moved. He was hunched over the seat, his eyes shut and his hands clasped in front of him when she opened the door.

He sat up. “Well?”

“What were you doing?”

“Praying.”

“Seems everyone's in touch with God today,” Emily said. “Come on. She'll see you.”

Dale hesitated in the doorway of Rachel's room, until Emily gave him a tiny shove. He took one step and came to a halt.

“Hello, Dale,” Rachel said after a long moment of silence.

“Ah, Rach…”

Emily had been expecting tears. From Rachel. Instead they came from Dale. He crossed the room and sank to the floor beside the bed. He took her hand, and it was if a floodgate opened. Gut-wrenching sobs tore from the depths of his chest as years of regret and shame poured out.

“It should be me,” Dale said. “Oh Rach… it should be me. Not you. Never you.”

“Don't say that.”

“I'm so sorry.”

“It's all right now.”

Emily had imagined all kinds of scenarios for the reunion, but she never would have guessed Rachel would offer comfort to the man who'd shattered her life.

Rachel stroked his head as tears coursed down her cheeks. “It's all right,” she kept repeating, as if the words would make it true.

If Emily had harbored any doubts as to Dale's sincerity, they were wiped away. Any misgivings about her decision to reunite Rachel with her husband were also banished. Despite the tears, Rachel didn't look sad. If anything, she seemed more at peace. As if a hole in her heart had been filled.

Emily shut the door to allow the couple some privacy. She went to the kitchen to wait. When Dale finally emerged, his eyes were red-rimmed and sunken with sadness. However, he stood taller, and his shoulders no longer hunched forward as if to ward off a blow.

He stared out at the back yard. “It's such a shock, seeing her so sick. She's nothing but skin and bones.”

“I have to prepare myself every time I see her. It's like a punch in the gut.”

“I didn't want to believe it. The whole time I was driving here I kept thinking it wasn't possible Rachel could die. She was never sick. Not a day in her life.”

The clock in the hallway chimed out the hour. Emily sighed. “Anna will be back soon.”

“I'll wait in the van,” Dale said.

As he passed, he laid a hand on Emily's shoulder and squeezed. Emily waited until he was outside before venturing back into Rachel's room.

“He's gone,” Emily said.

“I heard the door.”

Rachel held out a hand. Emily took it, chaffing the cold fingers to restore some warmth.

Rachel brought her other hand up to cup Emily's cheek. “Thank you. You'll never know… I can never—”

“You don't need to thank me. Did he tell you everything?”

Tears streaked down her cheeks. “It breaks my heart when I think about what he went through. I always sensed something terrible in his past, but I never imagined anything so horrific. I wish he had told me. Things might have been so different for us. For the boys.”

“At least you know he did love you. Still loves you from what I can see.”

“Yes.” A smile played about her lips, and Emily glimpsed a shadow of the lovely woman Rachel must have been. Her cheeks flushed, and a twinkle reflected in her gray eyes, erasing the shadows and deep lines etched into her face.

Emily kissed her cheek. “I'd better get Dale out of here before anyone sees him. Especially Nate.”

“You think he wouldn't like—”

“Nate would flip out.”

“Bitterness is eating him up,” Rachel said, a furrow formed between her brows. “I worry about him so much. Even more than Zach sometimes.”

“Nate is a grown man, and you raised him well. He's a lot stronger than you think. He'll be fine.”

“I don't want him to be fine,” Rachel said, as softness gave way to hard resolve. “I want him to have everything. To experience the love and happiness I never had.”

“He will,” Emily insisted.

“Not unless he learns to forgive his father. He'll never be whole as long as he holds on to his anger.”

“Rachel, don't worry,” Emily said, rubbing her friend's shoulder to try and ease the sudden tension. “You have much more important things to concentrate on right now.”

“I can't do anything else but worry. I won't be here to help him.” Rachel struggled to sit up. “I need you to help them.”

“You know I'll do anything I can to help Nate and Zach.”

“I need you to bring them together.”

“Who?”

“Dale and my sons.”

Emily's chest seized as a giant fist cut off her air supply. How did she always wind up in untenable situations? Bringing Nate and Dale Cooper together would be a colossal disaster.

“Very bad idea,” Emily said. “Besides, Nate wouldn't appreciate my interference. He'd never forgive me. We've barely had a chance to see if we can have a relationship.”

“It's the only way. Those two are so stubborn they'll never make a move on their own. Fear and shame on one side, anger and resentment on the other.”

“I can't keep going behind Nate's back,” Emily said. “If he knew what I'd done today, he'd be furious. I'm not the one to help.”

“Nonsense. If anyone can get through to Nate, it's you.”

“Not unless I wave a magic wand.”

“You don't need magic,” Rachel's strong grasp belied her illness. “All you need is God. He's capable of a miracle.”

Emily winced at the force behind Rachel's grip. “Rachel—”

“Please…”

Iron prison doors started to rattle. “Ah, Rachel.”

“Do it for me… no… do it for Nate. And for Zach.”

Great. Guilt on top of guilt. How could she refuse a dying woman's request? The doors shut with a jarring clang of inevitability. “All right.”

His mother was dying.

On some level, Nate had known the truth. Dreaded it, and yet, a part of him had still held out hope. Then something changed. Like a light switch flipping off, Rachel Cooper's body shut down. She gave up. The reality slammed into his chest like pounding waves. Cold settled in his bones, wrapped around him until he didn't think he'd ever be warm again.

He saw the truth in her eyes, too. Desperate to stop the inevitable, he called her doctor. Now, he, Zach, and Anna waited in the kitchen to hear the final pronouncement. Anna had retreated to the safety of housekeeping and was wearing the finish off the countertops. His brother sat at the table, methodically turning a package of saltines into a pile of dust. Nate had stationed himself in the doorway so he could see the minute the doctor emerged.

A soft click and the bedroom door opened. Nate's head whipped around, and Zach's chair scraped against the floor as he stood. Anna never stopped cleaning.

Dr. Benedict took in the waiting audience. “The end never gets easier,” he said, almost to himself.

Nate swallowed a curse. “Is there anything we can do?”

“Nothing except make her comfortable.”

The cold seeped through to his skin. “How much longer—”

He took off his glasses and wiped them on his shirt. “It's hard to say. A couple days, a couple hours.”

“I don't understand,” Nate said. “She seemed all right until a few days ago. How did it happen so fast?”

Dr. Benedict regarded Nate with sympathetic eyes. “Perhaps she's ready now.”

“How can she be ready to die?” Zach burst out, his hands fisting at his sides. “How can she
want
to leave? Maybe you should check her again. You can do something.”

The doctor shook his head.

“You could try!” Zach cried. “Why won't you try?”

Anna reached out, but Zach brushed her off.

“Zach—” Nate warned.

Zach's lip curled as he spun around. “Why don't you make him try?”

“We've done everything,” Nate said.

“How do you know? Did we take her to one of those famous hospitals? There are research studies. I've been looking on the Internet and there are thousands of them. Maybe Mom can do one of those. I can't believe you'd give up and let her die without fighting.”

“I assure you we did everything possible for your mother,” Dr. Benedict said.

“You have to say that!”

Nate took a cautious step. “Zach… enough.”

“No! It's not enough. It's not enough time.” Zach's eyes swam, tears swirling with anger and bitterness. “You have to make him try.”

Nate's hands bracketed his brother's head, forcing the boy to look into his eyes. “I can't.”

Zach shoved away and tore off down the hall. A moment later the front door slammed. The sound was like a gunshot to Nate's chest.

Anna took a step.

“Let him go for now,” Nate said. “He'll be back.”

“Poor baby,” she murmured. “He'll want dinner when he gets home.”

Anna set off for her retreat. Nate walked the doctor to the door and then stood in the hallway staring at it. He couldn't think what to do. Couldn't make his mind work.

“Go on out,” Anna said, from the doorway.

Nate could barely make his brain process anything. “Huh?”

“Maybe Zach has the right idea,” she said. “Take some time. Figure out how you're going to do this.”

“Do what?”

“Say goodbye.”

Nate drove to the lake, which seemed as good a place as any to battle his own anger. Truthfully, he wanted to yell and stomp the same as Zach. Demand the doctor do something. Anything.

He got out and stared out across the water as he prayed.
God, how am I ever going to do this? How am I ever going to make Zach understand when I don
'
t?

He walked along the path until he reached the falls. Water gurgled over the rocks and the sound soothed the nameless ache. Another faint noise filtered through. A crunching scrape of gravel against the ground, and he lifted his head to see two figures jogging toward him. The flame-colored hair of the woman gave away their identity.

Julia and Seth stopped in the middle of the path.

“Hi, Nate,” Julia said.

“Hey, I didn't know you were back,” he said.

“Just yesterday.”

Julia studied him for a moment, her eyes seeming to take in everything. Then she shared a glance with Seth. “Guess we know why I forced you to run with me today. I'll see you at home.”

Seth brushed his lips across hers in a brief salute.

Julia stopped in front of him. “Tell your mother we love her,” she said, giving him a hug. “Call us anytime.”

Once Julia had disappeared down the path, Nate sat down on a rock. Seth chose another one a few feet away.

“She seemed to be holding her own and then this morning—” Nate cleared his throat and rubbed his eyes.

Seth nodded. “It happened the same way with Beth. Fine one day, and the next it was like she was already gone. She was ready to go. To be released.”

“What if the rest of us aren't ready?”

“There's no such thing as being ready to say goodbye, but you do it anyway. After Beth was gone, I wasn't sure I'd ever smile or be happy again, but I did. I am.”

“You're married to Julia,” Nate said with a faint chuckle. “Who wouldn't be ecstatic?”

For a second, an expression Nate could only describe as sappy flashed across Seth's face. “God found a pretty amazing way to bless me. He's provided more than I ever thought possible. He'll do the same for you. You have to hold on to that truth. He's doing it right now.”

“I don't feel very blessed.”

Seth's brows pulled together. “Haven't you realized yet what's happened with you since you came home?”

“Yeah, my mother has been slowly dying.” Nate heard the bite in his voice, but couldn't hold back the bitter words.

Seth shook his head. “You joined this community. You're part of it now.”

“I've always been part of the community,” Nate said in bemusement.

“No. You always held yourself apart. Never let anyone close. Did you even have any real friends here?”

Nate couldn't name anyone. He shrugged. “So?”

“So… now you do have friends. People who know and care about you. By now Julia has already started making calls. In a few hours an army of people are going to descend on your house ready to do anything they can to help. You will not be alone.”

“An army?” Neat echoed as a frisson of panic skittered down his back.

A grin pulled at the corners of Seth's mouth. “You might wish you'd kept more to yourself.”

“So this army is going to get us through?”

“No, only God will get you through. All the well-meaning people in the world can't provide what He can.”

A sharp knife of pain slid past Nate's ribs into his gut. “So, what happens if I'm having trouble believing in God's power?”