Imperfect Love (36 page)

Her eyes closed again, and that was the precise moment she remembered the last thing she’d seen before she’d slipped into that serenity.

Jake. He’s here!

The next time she woke up, her chest hurt, as if someone had cut into it with a knife. A stronger pain jolted through her body.

Jamie. Jake
.

Her eyes flew open and landed on her mother, who was asleep in the chair next to her bed.

“Mom,” she whispered, but Jane didn’t move.

“Mom,” she called again, slightly louder this time.

Jane jumped in her chair. When she focused on Holly, she promptly burst into tears, got up and held her daughter tightly. “Oh, thank you, Lord! I thought I’d lost you. I just got in when the babies were delivered… that horrible noise filled the room…” She bit her lip and let out a sob. “I thought I’d lost another daughter.”

“Where are they? My babies? Is Jake with them?”

Her mother frowned, and then shook her head.

“Mom, I saw him.”

Silence filled the room and her mother closed her eyes.

“Mom?”

“He’s not here, sweetheart.”

“I don’t believe you. I saw him, right before—”

Jane halted anything further by putting her hand up. “He didn’t come, Holly.”

“He’s not here? But I…” The ache of missing him, and the reality of him still not wanting them made her feel as if she wanted to die.

“In near death experiences, sometimes our mind plays tricks and it make us see the people we want to see the most.”

Holly shook her head and started to cry. It felt as if her heart had broken all over again. He wasn’t there, he’d never come. What a cruel trick her mind had played on her this time.

“Shh, now. The babies are fine, but they need you, Holly.”

She nodded, her lips wobbling, unable to subdue her tears.

Why? Why, fucking why did my mind play such a dumbass trick on me?

She was sure she’d seen him right before she’d exited the world. He’d been right there. All she was left with now was the fact that he’d never been there at all. She thought about her babies again. They were all alone. Nobody was with them. Nobody.

“Can I see them?”

“I’ll go ask Doctor Rikus.”

As soon as her mother left, Holly wiped the last image of seeing Jake running into the room from her mind. It hadn’t been real, only her deepest wish her mind had tried to turn into reality, but the reality was that he would never be there for any of them.

She needed to let him go and take care of the two precious babies he would never get the chance to know. His life would be empty, even though he didn’t know it yet. It would be empty with no real love again, because nobody would ever love Jake Peters the way she’d loved him and nobody, except for her two girls, would ever receive her love ever again.

Dr. Rikus walked into her room accompanied by Jane. Relief washed over his face. “You have no idea how happy I am to see you alive and breathing.”

“Me, too. How are they doing?”

“They are tiny but fighting, Holly. Dr. Edwards is doing everything he can. He’s been working for 48 hours straight.”

“Two days? I was out for two days?”

Jane grabbed hold of her hand. “You’re awake now, sweetheart.” Turning to Doctor Rikus, she pleaded, “Can she please see the babies?”

He shone the light into her eyes, did a thorough checkup, which felt like it lasted for hours when in fact was merely minutes, and finally acquiesced. “I’ll get her a wheelchair,” he stated, then disappeared.

Jane touched Holly’s cheek gently and looked into her eyes. “Sweetheart, he wasn’t joking when he said they are tiny. There are quite a number of tubes attached to their little bodies. You need to be prepared. No crying you hear? Just give them lots of love so they’re can feel how much you care and want them.”

Holly nodded. “Just take me to them, please, Mom.”

“Okay,” she said, mentally sighing on her daughter’s behalf.

Dr. Rikus had brought her a wheelchair, and both he and Jane helped Holly into it. Placing his hand on her shoulder, he squeezed lightly. She was wheeled into NICU, which was where babies who needed extra care, or were battling serious issues were kept.

Holly found her father sitting between both incubators, reading
Sam I Am
to his granddaughters in the softest tone he could muster.

Holly sucked her lips in when her eyes caught sight of one very tiny baby.
Why couldn’t I have carried them longer? Why?

“Charles,” Jane whispered.

When he looked up, his eyes were filled with tears. He closed the book, stood up and placed it on the chair he’d just vacated. He then walked toward Holly, leaned over and hugged her. “Thank you for waking up.”

“Thank you for reading
Sam I Am
to them.”

“It’s a grandfather’s duty.” He winked.

Holly smiled at her father.
Gus… no
, she stopped her thought immediately. Those people did not matter anymore. Her family consisted of her, Jamie Bernice, and Romalia. She froze.

Where did that come from?

Robyn Amelia—Romalia—her other little girl’s name just popped up without warning. She’d never thought of it, or even said it out loud. It was as if a higher power had inserted it into her head. It was meant to be. Jamie’s twin would be named after Amelia and Robin.

Charles stepped behind Holly and wheeled her between the incubators.

Her lips trembled when she looked from one precious baby to the other. They really were tiny. However, they had one thing going for them; Scallanger blood ran through their veins. They’d pull through. Holly believed that with her whole being. She already loved them more than life itself.

A doctor, who seemed to be as tall as Holly was, stopped directly in front of her wheelchair.

She looked up at him. He had gray hair and the friendliest face she had ever seen.

“Miss Scallanger, I’m Dr. Edwards. May I have a word with you, please?”

Holly looked at the incubators, reluctant to leave her babies.

“I promise it won’t take long, but there are a few things we need to discuss.”

She nodded.

Jane pushed her into the room next door, filled with chairs and a coffee machine.

“One thing you need to know, and I say this to all my patients’ parents, miracles do happen. But, there are times when they don’t. Where the latter is concerned, one has to be strong enough to let go.”

Holly’s lip began to tremble.

Dr. Edwards crouched in front of her. “I’m only trying to prepare you for the worst. Your twins are extremely premature… anything can happen.”

Holly nodded.

“You need to be strong, because in that room it’s a no-crying zone. They are very sensitive and are able to feel every single emotion emitted. What you want them to feel is an abundance of love, which in turn will give them the strength to fight.”

“Okay,” she whispered.

“One more thing. Your mother wasn’t able to share any information with me regarding their father.”

“He’s not a part of our family, nor do I want him to be.”

“I respect that, Holly, but I do need his details in order to complete their birth certificates.”

“Dr. Edwards. He has no interest in his daughters, so he is nothing in their lives. As far as I’m concerned, he falls under the ‘not applicable’ category. They will bear my name.”

He frowned. “I’m sorry to hear that. These situations always sadden me. He wasn’t interested in them at all?”

“His only interest was in wanting me to abort them.”

Dr. Edwards stood up and rolled his shoulders in an agitated manner. “Not applicable it is.”

“Do you need anything else?”

He shook his head. “That will be all for now, thank you. I’ll see you soon.”

Jane took her chair by its handles and rolled her back into NICU.

Holly was given an anti-bacterial liquid for her hands, and when the nurse was satisfied, Jane moved her between the incubators once again.

Smiling, although what she really felt like doing was cry, Holly stretched both arms out and pushed her hand through into each incubator. “Hi, Jamie Bernice. Hi, Romalia. It’s your mommy. I want you both to know that I love you so, so much. But, you’ve got to fight and be strong, okay? Think you can do that?” Her voice was gentle and sweet.

She touched their tiny hands softly and closed her eyes. She didn’t know which had been born when, but she knew that Romalia was the one who was struggling the most. It was evident, as she was smaller than Jamie Bernice.

Please, God, don’t take them away. I’m not ready to let them go… I never will be
.

Holly closed her eyes. Unbeknownst to her, Charles had sat down once again. She only realized how close he was when she heard his voice, soft and gentle. He’d begun to read
Sam I Am
again
to her two tiny, precious miracles. Tears formed in her eyes, but she refused to let them fall. Looking at her father, she smiled.

ROMY WASN’T DOING VERY WELL. A FEW DAYS HAD gone by and every time Holly saw her fragile little body fighting hard to stay alive, she just wanted to break down and cry. Jamie Bernice wasn’t faring any better, but she was indeed the stronger of the two.

Her dad had pulled through big time, paying for everything without any complaint or requests for return payments, which he usually did when anyone borrowed money from him. He even stayed late into the night, keeping Romy and Jamie company.

Both were allowed human contact where Holly was concerned—breast-to-breast—Dr. Edwards called it. He was a sweetheart, and she wasn’t the only one who thought so. Holly had seen her mother’s eyes sparkle every time he made an appearance.

He was one of Holly’s heroes, too. His help with the girls was immeasurable, and he did everything in his power to make sure that they would pull through.

The mental picture of what her babies looked like at this poignant time in their lives would stay with her for as long as she lived. The number of tubes protruding from their little bodies were such, it was a wonder they managed to breathe at all. Still, they improved almost daily.

Jane and Charles would take turns sitting with Holly and the babies.

She was beyond tired, mostly due to lack of sleep. Her worry that something bad would happen the minute she closed her eyes prevented her from getting the much needed sleep her body so desperately craved. She was adamant that she wouldn’t let that happen and drank copious amounts of coffee, one cup after the other, until it got to a point where her body was no longer able to function. So it happened that one evening she passed out cold in her chair, right next to the incubators.

When Holly opened her eyes, she realized she was back in her private room. That startled her, and then panic set in.

She hastily climbed out of bed and rushed to NICU, stopping dead in her tracks when she found her father sitting with one of the twins in his arms. Further contact had been extended to both Charles and Jane. By the size of the baby and dark fluff at the nape of her neck, she knew he was holding Jamie.

“Why did you let me sleep?” she whispered.

“Holly, you were dead tired. You needed it. No way can you go on without rest. Besides, your mother and I are here to help you.”

“Dad, anything could’ve happened! I can sleep some other time.”

“Nothing happened. Calm down,” he reassured softly, giving her the gentlest look he could muster.

“Thank you, Dad.”

“That has to stop. Stop thanking me, Holly. I should be the one thanking you for allowing me be a part of both my granddaughters’ lives.”

Holly swallowed the lump in her throat, but sent a smile his way as she softly brushed her lips against Jamie’s head.

Although contact was allowed, it came with a time limit. So, when the allotted ten minutes were over, the nurse placed Jamie back in her incubator, while Holly handed her father his shirt. The breast-to-breast rule applied to Charles as well, except Dr. Edwards called it chest-to-chest, for manly reasons. He was truly one of the kindest men Holly had ever met.

“Has Romy had her time yet?” she asked, watching her lying in her favorite position.

Charles shook his head, tears glistening in his eyes.

“What’s wrong, Dad?”

He cleared his throat. “Dr. Edwards said she’s too critical for one-on-one contact at the moment. It’s best to leave her in the incubator.”

Holly’s heart skipped a beat and her bottom lip began to quiver.

Please, Lord, don’t take Romalia from me. I know I’m being selfish
, she prayed softly,
when
I have two babies, where others who only want one aren’t capable of having even that. But… I love them so very much; they are my heart and my soul. You gave them to me for a reason, so please let them fulfill their destinies

She felt her father’s hand take hold of hers. “I know how you feel, Holly. I don’t think I’ve ever prayed so much in my entire life.”

She covered his hand with her other. “Thank you. I know you don’t want me thanking you, but I don’t know what would’ve happened if you hadn’t been there for me.”

“Holly…” Charles paused and lowered his head, chin to chest. When he looked up, his eyes were sad. “I know I fucked up, big time, and let both you and Jamie down. I was a coward. It’s time I admit that. But I can’t go back and fix my wrongs, no matter how much I wish I could. But I can step up to the plate now and do right by you. I… I just want a second chance.” He all but choked up with every single word he uttered.

“Dad. Everything you’ve just said? Hit me right here.” Holly pointed at her heart. “You can’t even begin to comprehend how much that means to me. You’ve more than stepped up to the plate. I could not have done any of this without you, and I’m not solely talking about your financial help. So, Dad”—Holly smiled at him tearfully—“you more than deserve a second chance. And, in case you haven’t noticed, I even think Mom is going soft on you.”

That made Charles chuckle. “I really need to make amends with her too, don’t I?”

“It would be a start.”

Charles reached out for Holly and pulled her into a bear hug of note.

Her arms automatically wrapped themselves around him, too, and her body shook with sobs she wanted to let loose so badly but couldn’t. Not yet.

“Shh, this is a no-crying zone, remember? It’s not good for the babies.”

She stood up straight, wiped her eyes and smiled. “I know. I need to stay strong for them.” She pushed her hand inside of Romalia’s incubator and stroked her back softly. Her skin was so delicate and Holly imagined that it could break and tear at any moment.

Charles stayed with her, making up for old times, until Jane relieved him at around five in the morning. She smiled at him as he said goodbye, and then kissed Holly on her head before she sat down.

“How are my grandbabies doing?”

“Romy is not in a good place, Mom. Dr. Edwards suggested we hold off on the one-on-one for a while.”

Jane stroked Holly’s cheek. “He knows what he is doing. They say he’s one of the best neonatologists in the country.”

“I certainly believe so, and he’s just wonderful with them. I guess I’m just scared.”

“Nothing can ever prepare a mother for this type of situation. It’s not the way it was meant to be.”

Holly nodded. She understood a little of what her mom had gone through now with Jamie’s death. It was time she stopping judging her for drowning herself in booze for so many years. The thought of losing either Romalia or Jamie, or both, was so hard to contemplate, she could only imagine what it must feel like to really lose a child. All Holly could do was pray day and night that it wouldn’t happen to her.

Then she had another thought. It just zapped through her mind, and she asked her mother for her phone.

Jane handed it to her without any question, at first.

Holly started typing his number.

“Who are you phoning, baby.”

“Him, to tell him what a fucking mess he’s left me in.”

Jane grabbed the phone out of her hands before she could type in the last number.

“What good is that going to do, Holls? He left you, didn’t want anything to do with you. A baby isn’t going to change that. You know that.”

“I know, but he needs to know how I feel, Mom.”

“He doesn’t care, sweetheart. As much as that hurts me to say to you, he doesn’t care.”

“What if—”

“Holly,
what if
doesn’t exist, not for us Scallangers.”

Tears rolled down Holly’s cheeks. She got up and left. Next thing, she felt a pair of arms wrap around her shoulders. Somehow, she knew it wasn’t either her father or her mother. She looked up to find Dr. Edwards looking at her sadly.

“It’s okay. You need to cry.” He stroked her back. “Who did you try to call, just now when your mom grabbed the phone?”

“Nobody.” She sniffed.

“Was it the father?”

“It doesn’t matter, he didn’t want us. It’s not going to change.”

She stepped out of his embrace and wiped her eyes with the sleeve of her robe.

“Holly, who is he?”

She smiled. “I told you before, he’s not applicable, and that is exactly how he’s going to remain, Dr. Edwards.”

He nodded, and thankful he wasn’t going to push, she went back inside.

A while later, when she returned to her babies, her mother wanted to know everything, and since her father wasn’t there anymore, Holly shared every detail she could with her. How he used to make her feel; how he’d said that he was going to get them a place together, and how it had all sounded like a dream.

“He sent me a text that morning, telling me we needed to go see his mother, talk to her, and basically sort shit out.”

She recounted what took place once she arrived at Mara’s.

Jane listened intently, and by the end was totally shocked. “That was it? He told you that it was what it was and he had to go? Not even an apology or explanation?”

She confirmed with a nod.

“That fucking bastard!”

“Tell me about it.”

“You can never try to phone him again, you hear? That can never happen, baby. He was a coward and no coward is good enough for you.”

She stroked her mother’s arm. “Yeah, I know. I really appreciate your support, Mom.”

Just then, Dr. Edwards entered the NICU to checkup on the twins.

Holly and Jane had been so immersed in their conversation, they hadn’t noticed the small spots on Romy’s arms and legs.

Noticing Dr. Edwards looking closely at Romalia, Holly became alarmed. “What is that?” she queried, her breath catching in her throat.

Dr. Edwards gave her a sad look. He was visibly shaken.

“No!” Holly began to cry. “Please don’t tell me there’s nothing you can do for her.”

“Let’s go outside, Holly.”

“It’s okay, baby girl. I’ll stay with them.”

Holly sobbed quietly as Dr. Edwards led her out of the ward. “Please… is there nothing you can do? What are those spots?”

“Normal under the circumstances. But, she is fighting for her life, Holly. And although she’s been the fiercest little trooper I’ve come across, her body is just too weak.”

Holly’s hand went to her stomach and she doubled over, almost as if she’d been stabbed, and the other covered her mouth. Tear careened down her face freely, dotting the floor where they fell and splattered.

Dr. Edwards took her in his arms, holding her close to his chest. “I’m so sorry.”

“How long?”

“It’s only a matter of days now. She will worsen, and the spots will grow. She’s not in a good place, Holly.”

“What can I do?”

“Help her go.”

“You’re asking me to kill my baby?”

“I would never ask that of anyone, let alone a parent. No, I’m asking that you to let her go. She’s fought a long, hard battle for her tiny body. Babies go straight to Heaven, you know.”

“I don’t want her in Heaven, I want her to stay here.”

“I know.” He held her tighter. “Believe me, if I could do anything further, I would. Her organs are failing.”

Holly merely nodded. She didn’t want to let her baby go, but she had no choice. Romy was suffering and there was absolutely nothing any of them could do. She could give her everlasting life, elsewhere, and she could make sure that Romy knew how much she was loved.

“Can I hold her?”

“For as long as you want.”

“Thank you.” She wiped her tears as she tried to regain her composure. “My father’s not here. Can we wait a while so he can say goodbye, too?”

“Of course. She’s not going anywhere just yet.”

Dr. Edwards handed Holly his phone.

Holly admired his perceptiveness. Taking the phone from him, she dialed. By now, she knew his number by heart. It rang and rang, and just when she thought it would go over to voicemail, he answered.