Impulse (15 page)

None of us guessed she was so far over
the
edge.

I
'
m just glad I was the one who found her.

Have the kids gone to visit her?

I can almost hear Grandma shake her head.

We all will, then.

Tomorrow.
416

421

Dinner Tonight

Was McDonald's, on the way back from the movie. Quarter Pounders and fries--way to pack on empty calories.

Now Tony, Dahlia, Carmella, and I are sitting around, cutting major farts. Dahlia doesn't even try to stifle hers.

Ugh!
says Tony.
Girl, you
'
ll never catch a man like that. And by the way, didn
'
t your ma

ever tell you to say,
"'
Scuse me
"
?

You oughta know
'
bout catching

men, freak. And I
did
say excuse

me, with my butt. Apparently

you don
'
t speak
"
rectum.
"

Everyone cracks up, except me. Nothing is funny tonight. My mood wants to swing between reflective 417

422

and halfway terrified. I'm afraid--a strange thing to say, but true--that despite whatever progress I've made, when I get out of this place, everything will be exactly the same as before--even me.

I'll still live in my parents'

shadow; I'll still drive myself to achieve impossible perfection.

And I'll never let myself believe someone really loves me. 418

423

Two Ativans Toward Sleep

I lie in bed, listen to the grind of wind against cinder-block walls. I'm not sure how to unwind this coil of images flashing inside my brain. Some are "borrowed" from the flick we saw today: good people, slain by evil

automatons; the slightly effeminate hero (and why does
he
come to mind?); the geeky alien zero--

apparently, advanced civilizations send them off in their latest spacecraft to defend home and planet.

The meds kick in and here comes the princess--all curves, in a tight blue dress. Blue... tight... Heather. Pretty name. Sums 419

424

her up completely. Oops. transformation, titian hair bleaching blond, gray eyes tinting blue--Kendra, sweet temptation.

Some of us love you,
she whispers, tossing her long, golden hair.

Why can
'
t you love back, Conner? What the hell
'
s wrong with you?

I want to blame Mom, Dad, Emily, and I do. But there's someone else, too, in a sliver of memory. 420

425

Easter Sunday Morning

I wake, not exactly refreshed. Despite the meds, I tossed and tumbled, caught in the claws of a dream-disturbed night.

Beyond the window glass, a silver glint stabs my eyes. I turn on my side, refuse to budge, no hint of sound outside my room. All this silence, wrapped around Sunday morning, reminds me of home. Now I feel trapped beneath my blankets. I throw them off, stomp to the door, stick my head out in the hall. "I have to pee." Nothing. I don't know what's in store for me if I go without permission. But I really have no choice. I pad to the bathroom, hope my morning "condition" 421

426

will allow me to pee after all. I'm still waiting for "deflation" when Tony walks through the door. He gives me a prime once-over.

Hey man. Nice firewood.
He grins, then looks away and changes the subject.
Kind of creepy

today, with nobody here.

Totally shriveled, I finish my business. "Must be somebody here, somewhere." I wash my hands, splash the crust from my eyes. 422

427

Holy Crap

It's the first time I've seen Conner exposed, and boy, what exposure! The guy is built like a mule. No wonder women lust after him.

I'm lusting a little, myself, but manage to keep it in check, except one comment about his wood. A guy likes to know he's appreciated.

I watch him splash his face. Cold water, I bet, proving himself macho.

Damn, that
'
s cold!
He catches my smile in the mirror.
What
'
s so funny?

"Nothing. Just thinking about yesterday. Carmella was funnier than shit." 423

428

Conner drops his defensive

stance.
Yeah, she was. Too bad I warn
'
t in the mood to laugh.

He opens the door. "We noticed. What was up with you, anyway?"

Up comes the wall again.
I don
'
t know. Maybe they need to up my meds again.
424

429

I Doubt That

But know better than to say so. "Well, I'm catching a shower. Carmella said we can go to church in Reno this morning. Going?"

I don
'
t know. Maybe. Guess it
'
s better than sticking around here, playing with...
uh...
Something close to panic fills his eyes.

"Your firewood?" I laugh and Conner has to, too, or look like a total fool.

I
'
d better get dressed. See you at breakfast. It smells pretty good today.
425

430

I turn the faucet to steamy, step under, and let its hot fingers touch me all over, trying not to think about the last time

hot fingers (real ones) touched me all over. It's Easter, the holiest of holy days, and at the moment I'm feeling like a world-class sinner.

My brain tells me it's all wrong, the way my body's responding to thinking about sex, the last time I had it, and when I might have it again. 426

431

Not Quite Free

But out from behind locked doors, for the second day in a row, it doesn't even matter that it's snowing--on Easter.

Dahlia's pissed.
We get enough of this Jesus junk every other Sunday.

But Paul had to drive 'cause Carmella freaks when it snows. So it was all of us, or none of us. And Conner and I voted, two to one, to go.

Carmella chose the church.
I don
'
t do Catholic anymore, not since I got divorced.
427

432

Twenty--three and divorced already! At least she doesn't have kids. (I don't think.) We turn into a crowded parking lot, and I notice Conner begin to squirm.

Here?
he says.
Do we have to go to this one?
His eyes scan the cars, settle on a black Lexus.
They
'
re here,
he says.
I can
'
t go in. No way.

"Who's here?" I ask, but I suspect the answer, and it's quick to come.

My family.
428

433

All Dressed Up

In the best of our best Sunday clothes, Bryan, Grandma, and I pile into the rented SUV, wait for Daddy. Finally, he comes out the door, in full-dress uniform, boots spit-polished until they shine like satin. He doesn't wear a smile.

I
'
d forgotten it snows

here in April. I thought

I
'
d left that behind, in that godforsaken place. Hell, I bet even

Allah doesn
'
t go there.

Oh, well, we
'
ll make the best of it, I guess. Ready?

No! I'm not ready. I want to go back to Aspen Springs, where it's safe, predictable. Where my secrets and I can hang out, undisturbed. 429

434

I don't want to go see her, not there. No one belongs there, just like no one belongs in Afghanistan, if Daddy's word can be trusted. And I have to trust it. Don't I?

All right, then. Here we go. The O
'
Reilly family, all together again.

Almost all together, he means. 430

435

Giant Flakes

Of heavy, wet snow splat against the windows. Daddy cruises slowly, and I understand he doesn't want to go where we're going either. It's a duty thing.

Thank God for the lithium. It really seems to have kicked into gear the last couple of days. My hands still shake sometimes, and my mouth is dry most of the time, but it is easier to hover up out of the blue.

Dad took me aside earlier, while Grandma helped

Bryan get dressed. 431

436

Nessa, girl, I know it
'
s been tough, trying to take

your mother
'
s place,

'
specially seeing her at her worst and all. I want

you to know that she was a real good woman, when she wasn
'
t in a bad space.

"I know, Daddy."

You
'
ll be a fine woman

too. We
'
ll get you the help

you need, hear me? I don
'
t

want to lose you, too.

I'd never seen him so soft before. It wasn't what I'd expected, and it grabbed my breath away. He pulled me into him, where I couldn't see him cry. But I could feel him tremble. 432

437

He's Hard Again Now

And I wonder how soft he'd be if I confessed how I left Mama, blank eyed, in a pool of overdose- induced peace. My arm twitches and, lithium or no, I want to open a vein, bleed out the guilt.

Your grandmother tells me

you
'
ll go into a wilderness

survival program soon,
says Daddy.

Really?
says Bryan.
Cool!

"I guess so," I answer, not sure what "soon" means. "That's Level Four, the last step before I come home."

You
'
ve never done anything like that, have you?
433

438

The closest I've come is a hike in the woods with Grandma and Bryan. "No."

When the time comes, you cowboy up. You
'
re tough, just like your father

"No one's as tough as you, Daddy. But I'll try."

Oh. Here we are.

He slows to a crawl and we turn into a snow-covered parking lot. Everything around us is gray stone, frosted white. Spooky. My heart falls into my tummy. Tough?

Not me. 434

439

Almost May

The weather warms, the hills start to thaw, and I can run the perimeter of the big fenced compound. My heart pumps against the scar on my chest, bare beneath the afternoon sun. Tony catches up, and I push harder, dare him to keep up.

Surprise. He can. Not only that, but he's a lot more buff than I would have expected, and completely at ease with my pace.

Mind f I run with you? It
'
s

good to be challenged. I used
to run every day in lockup.

I should have kept at it.

"You're still in decent shape. Did you lift in lockup too?"
Yeah, and at the gym when I got out. For a few months, anyway.
435

440

At the gym? I had the idea Tony was a basic street kid.
But after Philip died, it was all I could do just to eat.

"Phillip? Who was Phillip?" Boyfriend? Brother? Uncle?
He was half foster father half my best friend in the world.

We run in silence for another three laps. Hard. Harder. Side by side in friendly rivalry till we're ready to collapse. 436

441

We Hit the Shower

To wash off some well-deserved sweat. Tony makes a point of looking the other way, but I haven't felt uncomfortable yet, being naked around him. Stanley is much creepier. That boy should not be allowed to touch himself with soapy hands.

"So, Tony. How was your visit to your dad's?" Dr. Boston talked him into it--it's a prerequisite for wilderness camp, one I have to face myself, before long. After my gutless performance on Easter, I wonder if I can score the balls.

It went okay, I guess. He
'
s got a sweet house at Tahoe--not huge, but more than I
'
m used to, on a street with its own private beach.
437

442

His wife, Talia, is nice, not real

bright, but what could you expect from someone who fill in love with my dad? She was polite, and a real good cook. No wonder

Pa married her!
'
Course, if she doesn
'
t quit cooking pasta, he
'
ll

end up buried before his time.

"Pasta, till death do us part. A slice of Italian-American life." We laugh, but I think that price isn't so dear for a few good years together, well fed and otherwise satisfied. Nothing at all to dread about that scenario. 438

443

It's Better Than What I've Got

To face at home. Two cold people, who can't remember why they fell in love in the first place. If they were ever in love. I chew on that as we dry off, get dressed. "Did your dad ever really love your mom?" I ask. But I'm betting he'll go to bat for love.

Well, yeah. At least I think so. Hell, maybe not. Fuck, Conner. Maybe there
'
s no such thing. Lots of people rot, waiting for it.

Okay, I was wrong. It's weird, how Tony and I are on the same page, with some regularity. "You don't by some remote chance happen to be a Republican?"
Uh. No. I
'
m not into politics. Why? Are you--a Republican?
439

444

I stop and think--really think. "My parents are steadfast conservatives. So maybe I'm a Dem after all." (Probably not.)

Good to know. Because any

"
party
"
that shuts its doors
on the pool gay, or otherwise