Impulses (30 page)

I roll the side of my head against the pillow; an internal shudder breaks free as I consider the severity of the penalties of my actions when I was with
Him
. “Finally, he succeeded in isolating me, cutting me off from my friends and what remainder of family I was close to.”

In silence, Hayden wraps me up safely in his tightening embrace; I feel the warm breeze on my neck as he kisses me, filling me with much needed security.

“Once he had segregating me from everybody and I had no one to turn to, he started messing around behind my back; fucking anything that would open their legs for him. He would go and dip his dick in someone, then come back home to me, where I would have his dinner waiting for him.
‘The best of both worlds’
he would say.” I sniff and swallow the bitterness that lingers in my throat. “But I loved him. I thought that he was going through a phase and I convinced myself that I was strong enough to continue to share him. I thought I could change him back to the man I had fallen in love with.

“One night, he was allowing me to join him and a few of his friends on a night out. I had my hair done especially. I was delirious that he wanted me to go with him. I put on my favorite dress and heels, and for the first time in a while, I felt attractive and confident. I felt that, with him letting me go alongside him was the first step of getting back to how we once were.

“Before we left the apartment, I found the strength to question him about his actions, and told him how much I was hurting because of it. He said that I had let myself go, that I wasn’t making any effort to keep him happy. He led me to our bedroom and stood me in front of the full-length mirror and told me to wait while he disappeared to get something.

“Like a giddy schoolgirl, I was busy admiring myself when he came from behind me. He took a pair of scissors and cut my dress and underwear off so I was completely naked. He took a marker-pen and defaced my body; circling the parts of me that he hated, that I let go. He told me I was fat, ugly…he tore me apart, and I watched him as he shredded every ounce of self-esteem and confidence I had. By the time he had finished with me, I was a cosmetic surgeon’s wet dream.”

Fighting my body’s command to forfeit any internal strength that I have left in me, I wail uncontrollably. Hayden slips his arm out from between my breasts, places it onto my left shoulder, and rolls me over to face him. He tracks his thumb under my eyes, lessening my running mascara.

“He left me stood in front of the mirror, all of my flaws and ugliness marked out for me to see. When he left with his friends, I curled up in the corner and rocked for what seemed like hours.” I brush my tongue across my lips, tasting the salty residue of my tears. Incapable of holding his gaze, I focus on Hayden’s throat. “That was the first time I cried myself to sleep over a man, and my last…until…”

“Beautiful…” he encases me, pulling me closer to his warmth, and resting his chin on the top of my head. “I’m so sorry…”

“Over the coming months, I tried to fix what he wanted me to fix. I was terrified that he would walkout, so I didn’t feel I had the time to lose the weight healthily, and I became desperate––so very desperate that it’s embarrassing to contemplate. I became bulimic.”

I hear and feel Hayden gasp then hold his breath as his muscles tense, feeling like a wall of steel pressing against me.

“The disorder consumed me and I battled it for about two years, it was finally Jessie that got me through. I strived to make more of an effort with him, dressing up, buying lingerie. I was throwing myself at him with the raring determination of a cheap whore, but everything I did for our relationship went unnoticed. Whenever I bought a new outfit, he would never say what it complimented, but how it emphasized the ugly, fat parts of me that he was revolted by.”

Hayden loosens his arms and pushes away just enough to take my chin and tip my head up to look at him. “That’s why you find compliments impossible to accept.” His eyes expand wider, serious, pained and angry.

I nod circumspectly, teardrops still tickling down my face whilst I frown in embarrassment. Hayden shakes his head riled and an uncontrolled, enraged growl reverberates from his throat, before he pulls me back into his body, which tenses dramatically with every piece of new information.

“It was a relationship milestone; I think it was our two year anniversary.”

Hayden’s one arm is wrapped around me, while the other works its way through my hair.

“I was planning a romantic evening: making his favorite meal, candles and just generally make an impression, show him how much I cared for and loved him…” screwing my eyes closed, my heart races, my insides jitter with my upwelling nerves, feeling as though I am on a caffeine high.

Halting his progression through the entanglement of my locks, Hayden clutches my right hand, pulls it to his mouth and kisses the back of my knuckles.

“It is okay, I’m here.”

I sniff and stare in a hollow alertness at Hayden’s Adam’s apple. “I went to the store to get supplies. I got back home and put the groceries in the kitchen when I heard something. It was faint at first, but with every step I took, the sounds got stronger and more distinguishable. I waited outside the bedroom door, the panting and giggling, the moaning; I felt physically sick, but I built up the courage to do what I needed to do. I opened the door, and he was fucking a blond in our bed, she was wearing my new lingerie that I had bought and put away especially for that night,” I mutter worthlessly.

“That sick fucker! What did you do?”

I shake my head, raising my brow and my shoulders. “I walked out. I didn’t know what else
to
do. Being aware that he was fucking around behind my back was one thing…seeing it, was another entirely.” My voice is throaty and shattered.

His arms constrict around me, and he kisses the top of my head. His reaction to that part wasn’t too bad, but it wasn’t his reaction to this part of my story that I am anxious about. Taking in a cleansing breath, I silently urge myself to continue. I stand swaying on a precipice, and I do not relish the likelihood of the negativity of my predicament.

“I ended the relationship and from that point, my disposition of men changed altogether.” I lock my stare on Hayden. His bemused expression implores me to continue. The corner of my mouth curls into a wistful grin, as I shake my head. “There was never going to be a Happy Ever After because men use and abuse. Take your love, your heart, and your gestures, no matter how slight, and leave you with nothing…no self-worth, no confidence, no faith…no hope. That is what I learned from
Him
, from that relationship. So, when I got back on my feet again, I raised a protective barrier and came up with my theory––which I lived by for five years…until I met you.”

“Which was?”

The dread I feel is overpowering; this is it, no turning back. The butterflies in my gut attempt their escape. I take a moment to stare into his deep, inquisitive eyes, and prop my hand on the side of his face. Flexing my fingertips, I offer a sad smile, my vision distorted once more as I absorb the sensation of his flesh beneath me, the prickle of his stubble, and the warmth of his skin.

“Use and abuse men, before they do it to you,” I mutter contritely.

Hayden gapes, his eyes grave and intense with shock. Sensing his disgust, he loosens his arms, and pulls away from me, and I feel a part of me die inside. I knew he couldn’t handle this.

“I would jump from man to man, something that I’m not proud of.” I raise my hand to touch his face, but he recoils and shakes his head, refusing me any supportive connection. “Never in those five years did I ever feel any connection to them; sex was my weapon…it was a way of feeling desired. When men wanted to have sex with me, it filled me with everything that The Bastard took away from me, made me feel wanted, confident, and attractive. Knowing that you’re arousing somebody fueled that assuring need that I craved. And that was how my promiscuity started.

“Soon after, the power that I held in the ability to say
yes
or
no
to a man who wanted me began to fade. Instead of the fulfilment of the desire I was receiving, I felt dirty, used and exploited. There have been many times that Jessie has had to witness my walk of shame. But when I confided in her about how you are making me feel, the fact that even after we had sex I still craved you…she kicked me up the ass.”

Hayden pushes himself up so he is sat with his right leg dangling off the bed, and his left leg bent inward. I push myself up so we can maintain eye contact at an equal level.

“On our first date when I walked out of the restaurant, I came back home and I couldn’t relax. So I went for a walk before coming to yours. And that was when it hit me.”

“What did?” he rasps, his expression and tone cautious as he scrutinizes me with his inconceivable glare.

I slouch, wanting to rest my hand on his leg but too terrified of his reaction. I feel encased in plaster, aware of the surface cracking, crumbling, slowly giving away to a pile of ashes. My body inflamed by my profound feelings and desires of what a future together could bring, yet cooled by the iciness of his glare. The only way I can uphold, is by the mere likelihood that Hayden can find it in himself to accept my mistakes and revive my aching, splintering heart. And like a phoenix, help me to rise above the ashes that I now find myself falling to.

“I didn’t want to begin anything with you because I didn’t want you tainted by me, and I didn’t want to hurt you. But I already had, and I…I accepted, and took responsibility for my actions. For years I blamed my ways on
Him
––on the way that he mistreated me. But I had a choice and I choose to go down a path which led to even more detrimental emotional flaws and fed my negative self-assurance. I couldn’t live my life like that anymore, the ego-boost that I felt I required, if anything made me worse. It was you.”

“Me?” he questions, a small V in the center of his brow becoming visible as he frowns.

“Yes. Hayden. You,” I smile. “You were the one thing that I needed to give me the strength to change…you restored my hope and faith. With you, Hayden, I don’t need anyone to desire me…because I have you and your desire. You’re all I think of, you treat me like a Queen, you make me happy and you make me smile…you make me believe that I can get my Happy Ever After.”

I notice his muscles relax, and I raise my hand again to his face. This time, Hayden allows me to touch him. It’s a relief.

“You are the first man since The Bastard which I cried myself to sleep over. You are the only man I have placed all trust into since my trust was purged years ago. You’re the only man that sees the real me.” I retract my hand from the side of his face, allowing it to drop into my lap like a boulder in the sea. I cock my head. “Now my cards are on the table. I know where I would like us to go from here, but I understand that you may see elements in me that you had with Addison.”

Bowing my head, I suppress every emotion that is journeying through my system. I won’t be a girlfriend whose partner can’t leave because he doesn’t want to see her crying, or hurt by his final decision.

“And for that reason, if you want to walk away…” I shuffle myself over and off the bed, a prickling sensation followed by the flow of cold blood gushes down my legs as I stand and meander over to the door. I grasp the gold doorknob in my hand, waiting to open it. I shake my head. “Then I am not going to stop you.”

Hayden heaves himself onto his feet and bunches his hands into his pants pockets before striding to the door. With him towering over me at six foot two, I twist the knob, and pull the door open a fraction.

While he stands in front of me, Hayden slips his hands from his pockets and presses against the wooden surface, pushing it closed. He glares at me, searching my eyes, my mind. I sense the electricity between us charging as he corners me against the entrance. Feeling his body heat radiating off him through his clothing and although he doesn’t lay one finger upon me, the proximity added with the intensity of his scrutiny sends me into a mass of squirming and relieved energy.

“Samantha, my beautiful, Samantha…” he whispers, trailing off as his fingertips skate down the side of my face, his eyes teeming with sympathy, compassion and regret.

I close my eyes, waiting for the one looming word that can rip you up and destroy you within a millisecond if it is spoken by someone you truly feel for.

With the single word revolving around my head like the proverbial tumbleweed in the desert, I wait for him to finalize the end of our relationship. I hold my breath as I hear his lips part ready to willing to release me from my despondency.

“I’m not going anywhere.”

My eyes spring open, and my breath is released. Did I hear him say that or imagine it because that’s what I want him to say?

“What?”

Bowing his head, he presses his brow against me, and rolls it over my surface. “I. Am not. Going anywhere,” he enunciates every word clearly, with devotion and purpose that sends my nerve endings into overdrive, making me tingle, and shudder, filling me with reprieve and gratitude. I follow my instincts and coil my arms around his neck, grazing my head away from his, and burrow my tearstained face against his chest.

He snakes his arms around my waist.

“I thought I had lost you, that I had pushed you away.”

He uncurls his right hand from around me and places it at the back of my head, holding me protectively against his chest, comforting us both. He kisses the top of my head, and breathes me in.

“I’m not going to lie to you, Samantha. I was scared that I was going to have to,” he whispers.

After what seems like an eternity, he draws himself away. With the absence of his protective arms around me, I am left bereft and cold and feeling unfortified.

“Stay with me tonight,” I urge simply, but my tone has it sounding more like a question. I’m still hurting over the events of the day, the walk down memory lane, and the fear that all was lost between us still chills my bones. I don’t want to be alone…not tonight.