In an Adventure With Napoleon (5 page)

‘Beef?’ said Jennifer.

‘Beef. Beef from the bees. Hence the name.’
⁷

The pirate crew fell silent for a moment, because it was difficult to argue with environmental matters.

‘It sounds like a fine plan, Captain,’ said Black Bellamy. ‘But you’ll be needing some land.’

The Pirate Captain shrugged. ‘I was thinking I could just grow them on my boat. Use the cannons as beehives, something like that.’

‘Can’t keep bees on a boat,’ reasoned Black Bellamy. ‘There are no flowers at sea.’

The pirates nodded and thought to themselves how the phrase ‘there are no flowers at sea’ sounded very poignant and would make a nice tattoo or maybe a good lyric for a sad shanty.

‘But by sheer good fortune I think I might have just
the thing,’ said Bellamy, his eyes lighting up. Don’t go anywhere, Pirate Captain, I’ll be back in a tick.’

Black Bellamy hurried off across the bar to another table where his crew were playing an old pirate drinking game that involved making up names for the Royal Navy, and returned a moment later waving a couple of pieces of paper.

‘I know that in the past I’ve not always been strictly above board with you, Pirate Captain,’ said Black Bellamy, looking serious. ‘But if you’re really giving up pirating then I’d like us to part on good terms. And to show bygones are bygones, I’m going to help you in your new life, because it just so happens that I recently acquired some prime real estate. It’s a beautiful tropical island in the Atlantic called St Helena. These are the title deeds.’

Bellamy handed the papers to the Pirate Captain, who looked at them suspiciously.

‘Wait a minute, BB. If I know one thing about oceans it’s that the Pacific is the nice warm one and that the Atlantic is the rubbish cold one.’

Black Bellamy smiled. ‘Oh, Pirate Captain, I can see you’re as sharp as ever. But you see, there’s a trade wind which keeps the whole island at the delightful ambient temperature of … what’s your favourite temperature?’

‘I’m not sure. Thirty-two degrees?’

‘Yes, that’s it – thirty-two degrees. Perfect bee-keeping weather. Famed for its bees, St Helena is. I hear they
grow to the size of dachshunds.
⁸
I had been hoping to hold onto it for myself, as a relaxing winter holiday home. But I see now that you’ll make much better use of the place than me. So I want you to take these entirely bona-fide deeds, Pirate Captain, for nothing more than a nominal friends-only bargain price.’

The Pirate Captain looked again at the papers which Black Bellamy had produced.

‘It does look quite nice,’ said the Captain thoughtfully. ‘And I suppose I
should
give you a chance to make up for your past behaviour. How much are you after, you rogue?’

‘Oh, again with the hurtful names. But I won’t hold it against you, Captain. So why don’t we just say …’ Black Bellamy paused and stroked his beard for a moment. ‘A
hundred doubloons. After all, you won’t really be needing treasure now you’re a bee-keeper.’

‘That’s true,’ said the Captain. ‘This island. Any inhabitants?’

‘Just a full complement of indigenous ladies.’

‘Winsome?’

‘Very.’

The Pirate Captain mulled things over for a moment. He tried to picture a pie chart in his mind of ‘good reasons to stay in pirating’ and ‘good reasons to go and live on a lush tropical island’. And to his surprise the pie chart didn’t even have a missing piece of pie, it was just a big circle, full of relaxing evenings, bucolic bees and native ladies.

He drew himself up to his full height and shook Black Bellamy’s hand manfully. ‘All right, BB, you’ve got yourself a deal.’

‘You won’t regret this, Pirate Captain,’ said Bellamy, turning round to give his crew, who all seemed to be suddenly overcome by a fit of giggles, a thumbs up. ‘I think it’s the start of a brilliant new career.’
⁹

‘Of course,’ added the Pirate Captain, ‘you can’t really go on being my nemesis now that I’m a bee-keeper. Unless you fancy giving up pirating too? You could raise wasps.’

ennifer watched the seagulls circle lazily around the mast of the pirate boat, flicked a barnacle off her cutlass and frowned. She’d expected the other pirates to be distraught at the prospect of becoming a bee-keeping crew. But if anything they were more relaxed than ever. The pirate with gout and the pirate in green were having a competition to see who could look most louche. The pirate with asthma was telling the pirate with a nut allergy about the different kinds of gravy boat you could get nowadays. The albino pirate was trying to train a whelk to do tricks. Even the pirate with a scarf didn’t seem particularly bothered. It was, Jennifer decided, obviously up to her to take action.

‘Come on, you lot!’ she exclaimed, kicking a cannon
with her steel-tipped pirate boot to get the crew’s attention. ‘We can’t just muck about when our entire way of life is under threat thanks to the whims of that … that
man
. It’s time to stand up and be counted and fight like proper pirates for everything we believe in!’

A few of the pirates clapped because they felt that was what was expected, but none of them showed any signs of action.

‘Listen, do you know what I’d be doing if I was still a Victorian lady instead of a pirate?’ Jennifer persisted.

The pirates didn’t have a clue, but the pirate with long legs tried a guess. ‘Having a shower?’

‘No,’ said Jennifer, ‘I’d be playing the harpsichord and singing about hills. Every single bloody night, while feckless men with curly hair said things like “a marvellous recital, my dear” and “you have a most comely singing voice, Miss Jennifer” and “I do hear that Mr. Gilliray has sent to London for new gaiters”. There is no way I’m going back to that when there are jewels to rub on our faces and people to stab.’
¹⁰

‘Oh, I wouldn’t worry,’ said the albino pirate. ‘The Pirate Captain is always giving up pirating. It’s part of “the rich tapestry of life under his command,” or so he says.’

‘I’ve been with him for fifteen years,’ said the grizzled
pirate with skin like an old accordion, ‘and in that time he’s given up pirating to become a fireman, a magician, a short-order chef, a Russian spy, a statue, an enigma and a circus strongman. And I’m senile, so I’ve probably forgotten dozens more.’

The pirate with a scarf leaned against the mast and stroked his rugged chin thoughtfully. ‘I don’t know. I think Jennifer might have a point. The Captain did a thing with his jaw this time that I’ve never seen before. I worry when he does new facial expressions. He normally only has three or four.’

‘Come off it,’ snorted the pirate in red. ‘He doesn’t know the first thing about bee-keeping; he literally doesn’t know one end of a bee from the other.’

‘Well, I don’t want to leave things to chance,’ said Jennifer. ‘And I’ve got an idea. Because if I’ve learnt one thing about our Captain, it’s that he tends to follow the path of least resistance.’

‘That’s true,’ nodded the pirate in green.

‘So, perhaps if pirating was made to
seem
a little easier, then he might forget all about this bee-keeping business.’

‘How do you mean?’

‘Right,’ said Jennifer, leaning over to whisper into the pirate with a scarf’s ear conspiratorially. ‘Here’s my plan.’

Jennifer burst into the Pirate Captain’s cabin, waving a piece of old parchment that smelled faintly of tea and matches. The Captain, nose deep in a book, looked up in surprise.

‘You’ll never guess what just happened!’ exclaimed Jennifer. ‘Whilst you were busy down here an old dying pirate turned up on a raft! He was half-mad with sunstroke, but just before he expired he gave us this map, and he said something about how there were a million doubloons buried in a secret cove, and he added that it would be really easy to find, and he promised that there’d be necklaces and emeralds and stuff like that. So, should I order the boys to change course?’

‘Aaarr,’ said the Pirate Captain, going back to his book with a shrug. ‘You know how it is with treasure. It’s bound to be guarded by a giant crab or undead skeletons or something. Best off sticking with the bees. Most of
their
adventures seem to consist of meeting up with friendly children and helping them out.’

Jennifer looked confused. The Pirate Captain held up his book, the cover of which showed a cute child with ringlets and a smiling bee on her finger. The title read
The Children’s Golden Treasury of Bee Stories
.

‘It’s the absolute bible of all things bee-related,’ said the Pirate Captain. ‘It tells you all about how they live, but in the form of easily digested large-print stories with plenty of pictures. Look: here’s one of a couple of bees sledging with a teddy bear. I imagine the bear’s a bit
fanciful, but the sledging looks about right. Clever little things, they are.’

‘Are you sure that’s not just a children’s book?’ said Jennifer.

‘Absolutely. You see, it’s very detailed about bee society, which it turns out is fascinating. The main threat to their livelihood seems to be grumpy grasshoppers.’