In Hiding: A Survivors Journal of the Great Outbreak (21 page)

I could tell that what I had done
had upset the others. Well, everyone except Jacob and Amy who were relieved to
see their friend free. But Derrick addressed the group and apologized. He said
it better then I ever could have and I think he eased most of their concerns
and then once he had finished his speech, he remained free. Once everyone left
he thanked Kerri and I and then went on about his day as if nothing had ever
happened. Although not everybody in the group was willing to move on and let it
go.

Paul approached me the second that
everyone else had left and I knew exactly what was coming. He was surprisingly
calm when he asked me what I thought I was doing. My first instinct was to call
him out about trying to use me in his little game and accuse him of lying to
me. But instead I chose to take a different approach and decided to try out a
little plan of my own. I explained to him that I was getting nowhere talking to
the others but that I had a feeling that something was definitely up. I watched
his reaction carefully, trying to see if he really had been using me or if he
was just delusional.

Then I told him that if something
were going on that the two of us were on the outs and that we would need as many
allies as possible. I lied to him and told him that by releasing Derrick that
we had gained a friend and by association we would also gain Jacob and Amy. I
couldn’t believe how Paul bought right into it and his reaction almost
convinced me that he hadn’t been using me, but that he really believed
everything he had told me.

His reaction scared me in a way.
If he really believed that there was a plot then I was no closer to getting
answers. I should have told him that I had found no evidence of such a thing
and that I didn’t think that there was anything going on behind our backs. But
that’s all in hindsight. Back then I was just as paranoid as he was and even
more desperate to discover the truth about what was going on. I felt somewhat
guilty about feeding into his beliefs and pushing him just a little bit
further. But I don’t think that anything I could have told him would have
calmed his suspicions.

But things were about to go from
bad to worse when Anne came over and interrupted our conversation. She was
visibly upset and accused both Paul and I of making decisions for the group
without consulting everyone. She told us that she had been watching us and then
accused us of being up to something. You can only imagine what that led too.
Paul exploded. Throwing everything Anne said back in her face. He called her a
liar and untrustworthy and several other things that I won’t bother writing
here. He let Anne know that he was on to her plans and that he wouldn’t let her
get away with it.

I said nothing. Instead I sat back
and listened to what both of them had to say. I was hoping that somewhere in
their argument I could pick up something that would tell me who had lied and
who was just confused. But each seemed more surprised by the others accusations
and the longer it went on the more heated the conversation became. The degree
to which those two despised each other caught me off guard and it was all
coming out right in front of me. As important as it was to me to get to the
bottom of who knew what, I started to feel like I needed to intervene before
things got out of hand.

It was when Anne called Paul a
coward and told him that he would be the death of all of us that I knew it had
gone too far. I saw the expression on his face and the look in his eyes and
knew that I needed to step in. I tried to diffuse the situation, but each of
them fired off a parting shot before they walked away. I hadn’t learned
anything useful and I had started to think that there was a good chance that
both of them were victims of paranoia and misinformation. But if I learned
anything from that exchange, it was that I couldn’t keep playing games like I
had been. There was too much tension and far too much mistrust to try and
manipulate any of these people. I was worried that it might lead to something
that I wasn’t ready to be responsible for.

I
wanted to clear my head after that and process what I had just witnessed. I
went back to the one place that I always went too when I needed to think or
simply get away. I went back to the roof and Kerri followed me once again. We
briefly discussed everything that we had heard and seen before I grabbed the
binoculars and checked in on Hal and I could see that he had been busy. Most of
the wooden barrier had been torn down and only one piece of plywood remained
blocking the door. Hal was violently throwing his body into the barrier and I
was starting to sense that it was only a matter of time until he at least got
to the door.

I
was so curious as to what he would find once he made his way through. In truth,
I really hoped that there wasn’t anybody inside that store. I hoped some family
hadn’t taken refuge in there and that Hal would break in and let the hordes
inside. But no matter what he might find I couldn’t stop watching. That was
mainly because while I was focused on Hal, it helped me forget about Ray, Tanya
and everybody else that I had lost. Thing was I would watch him so long
sometimes that I would forget that Kerri was up on the roof with me.

That
particular time I completely forgot she was there until she finally said
something. When I turned around I noticed that she wasn’t sitting where she
normally sat and instead was standing off by the ledge of the building. I
dropped the binoculars and ran to her and I don’t need to tell you what my
first instinct was. But that wasn’t what she was doing. She had found something
that she wanted to show me.

It
was hard to see what she was pointing at. There were just so many of those damn
things down there. But she showed me again and in time I saw exactly what she
had found. To describe this is difficult for me. What I saw was in such
terrible shape that although I could tell there was something there it was hard
to make out what it was. But that wasn’t why it is so hard to describe.

It
had been human at one point but what was left on the pavement wasn’t. I could
see it crawling along at a snails pace trying to get closer to the building for
one reason or another. Its arms looked like nothing more then bone and tissue.
Its legs were gone. There was nothing left of anything below its rib cage and
as it crawled it dragged behind what looked like what was left of its
intestines. Although it was crawling face down and was nothing more then a head
and the remnants of a torso, it didn’t take me long to realize that what I was
looking at used to be my friend. It was Ray.

Kerri
walked over and grabbed the rifle. As she handed it to me I could see that this
was something that she wasn’t ready to do. Kerri was strong, but I think she
still had a hard time accepting that the thing on the ground was no longer the
person she once knew. I tried to find Ray’s head in my sight through the dozens
of Zeds that were still walking all around him. I took a few deep breaths and
tried to compose myself. I tried to remind myself that it was what Ray would
want, that it was something that I had to do. I knew the others would hear the
shot and come running to see that I was responsible for the noise again. But I
put that out of my mind and focused. My shot was on target.

I
looked down to make sure Ray was no longer moving. I saw the Zeds around Ray’s
body were searching for what had just made the sound. I found everything they
did creepy. Most of the time they appeared to be nothing more then mindless
monsters, uncoordinated and roaming around without purpose. But every so often
they would do something that really made me wonder what was going on inside
their head. But I think I had just been watching them too long and seeing
something that wasn’t there. Creating something in my mind that I wanted to see
kind of like Cody and his buildings.

As
expected the others came rushing up the ladder, armed and ready to scold me
again. I was waiting for them to call me a maniac and for someone to suggest
that I was out of control and needed to be restrained. I tried to explain but I
had a hard time getting the words out. Luckily Kerri was able to do the talking
for me. She explained it to everyone and once Anne looked over the ledge and
confirmed that what she was saying was true, everyone nodded in approval. Anne
actually told me that Ray would have been grateful as her and the others walked
back downstairs.
 

The
rest of the evening was quiet. There was nothing new on the radio, just the
same old dribble that we had been listening too for days. The information was
most likely intended for those who were in areas that hadn’t been overrun by
the Zeds yet. But without television we actually didn’t know if there were any
places like that left anymore. That evening was the first time I gave up my
turn on watch. I let whoever wanted to cover for me take my turn.

You
can say that it was a conscious effort to try and get away from the strange
attachment that I had developed with Hal. Of course I was worried about missing
out on the conclusion of his efforts. I couldn’t imagine missing that after all
the time I had invested in watching him. I desperately wanted to know what was
inside that store or if Hal would finally prove that he did know something that
the others didn’t. But there was a chance that he could be at that for days and
there was a small part of me that thought it might be better if I didn’t see
what was in there.

I
tried to go to bed early that night and catch up on some desperately needed
sleep. My body ached and I was mentally drained and I was praying for just a
few uninterrupted hours of rest to try and recharge my batteries. Deep down I
knew the nightmares would come, they always did. But every night as I closed my
eyes I hoped that maybe, just maybe I would dream of something good for once.

Whether
or not a person can change has always been a subject of much debate. I have
always thought that people can grow, they can learn, they can adapt but never
change. I just think that people only show the world what their comfortable
showing. Everyone has those little parts of him or herself that they keep
hidden from others. Don’t get me wrong not everyone is like Trevor and has a
monster hiding inside of them just waiting for the right moment to let it
loose. But as society crumbled and the environment around us changed there were
a lot of people who quickly became comfortable with showing the world what they
really were.

I could easily see the differences
in the people around me but I didn’t know any of them long enough or well
enough to know if they had changed. But I was able to see what I was becoming,
what I was turning into. The only question I had was if I had actually changed
or if it just happened to be who I really was.

Bye the thirteenth day rescue
seemed like a fantasy. All of the adversity and loss had taken its toll and it
had become obvious that our group was starting to fall apart. Our small little
world, the family that we had tried to create was gone as of that morning. But
it wasn’t just because we were divided on a plan or fighting. It was because we
had lost our mother figure.

Nobody could find Anne that
morning. My first thought was obvious considering what had happened a few days
before. Apparently she never showed for her turn on watch but Amy never gave it
a second thought when she didn’t relieve her. There were a few nights when
someone over slept and missed their turn for the late night watch in the early
morning hours. So we searched up and down for her in a way that felt all too
familiar. Because it all felt so similar we were quick to check the roof and
the parking lot below. I never would have imagined Anne doing something like
that. But then again I never saw it coming with Ray either. To be honest I had
no idea what to think.

Paul suggested that she had left
in the middle of the night. That she had been planning to leave for the past
few days and probably saw an opportunity to get out without alerting anyone. I
don’t think that anyone of us believed that especially as we looked around the
building and saw the incredible amount of zombies that surrounded ever entrance
and most of the parking lot. I knew that was highly unlikely and just dismissed
it and decided to keep searching.

We checked every inch of the store
and from the roof we walked slowly around the ledge and looked for anything
that looked like a body just in case Anne had done the unthinkable. Amy thought
she had found something, but through the thick crowd below it was almost
impossible to tell. Adam and Sandy refused to believe that Anne would have
jumped. I mean I had my doubts but nothing was impossible anymore and when we
couldn’t find her it meant that she had either left like Paul had suggested or
taken another way out.

Two suicides in such a short
period of time and the possibility that we could see more if we didn’t do
something opened the door for a familiar argument. Adam, who had usually been
silent on most things, spoke up and he had plenty of support. He wanted out, he
stood firm that we needed to leave before someone else reached a breaking
point. Sandy supported him along with Amy and Jacob. They all wanted to start
planning a way out and argued that it was better to die trying then to sit
around and wait to die.

I stayed silent and so did Kerri.
Paul tried to calm them down and move the conversation in a different direction.
But his usually effective stall tactics didn’t work that time. Adam was yelling
at that point about how he wasn’t listening to what everyone wanted and that if
he didn’t want to leave then he was more then welcome to stay while the others
escaped. I could see Paul’s face turning red, I could hear the tone in his
voice changing and then in the heat of the moment he let it all out.

“I am in charge here. You don’t
get to make those decisions.”

As soon as the words came out of
his mouth I knew what it meant. I had always suspected that Paul had felt that
way. Don’t get me wrong I was still shocked to hear him actually say it.
Especially considering how guarded Paul usually was. But I wasn’t the only one
who was caught off guard by his outburst and Sandy and Adam started shouting
back at him and calling his sanity into question.

At first Paul tried to back track
and talk his way out of it. He claimed that he misspoke and that he hadn’t
meant what he said. But the cat was out of the bag and Adam had found his
voice. The argument went back and forth until Adam told Paul that they were all
leaving and that there was nothing that he could do about it. Well, Paul showed
us what he could do. He pulled the pistol out from the back of his pants and
shoved it right in Adam’s face.

I don’t know when he grabbed the
gun or if he had always been carrying it with him but that was irrelevant.
Kerri and Cody tried to talk him down but he wasn’t listening. He was going to
say what he had to say and nobody was going to stop him. He was no longer
trying to talk his way out of it. Paul was going to let us all know that he was
in charge and that what he said was pretty much law. He informed us all that we
were staying and that there was nothing that we could do about it. Even if
anyone had wanted to protest or disagree, it was pretty difficult to argue with
a man holding a gun.

Once Paul had finished his little
speech, Cody approached him slowly and calmly and assured him that he was
right. He told Paul that everyone was just over reacting to the loss of Anne
and Ray and that deep down we all knew that staying was the right call. I
didn’t think Paul would buy it but I had to give it to Cody. He must have said
just the right thing and in just the right way because Paul lowered his weapon
and took a deep breath. I don’t think that he completely believed what Cody was
saying but I think he was smart enough to see that he had been given a way out
of a terrible situation.

However, with everything out in
the open and Paul as paranoid as he was, it became fairly obvious that we
needed to be extremely cautious about everything we said or did. He had gone
too far and there was no going back to the way things used to be. If Paul
caught wind that someone was planning anything or even thought they were up to
something there was no telling what he might do.

Cody escorted Paul downstairs to
show that he wasn’t alone and that he truly did support him while the rest of
us just stood there in shock. Once they were gone it was surprisingly Derrick
who took control of the situation. He insisted that we do nothing at that
moment. He wanted us to play it safe and act as if nothing had happened until
it was safe to talk about such things again. We all agreed, but I was just
dumbfounded at what was happening and started to wonder if we were doomed no
matter what course of action we chose.

With tensions high and the group
divided on what to do there was no telling what could happen next. One small
spark and this thing could blow up quickly. I could tell that Adam was scared
and I only hoped that he wouldn’t do something that would set Paul off. Any one
of us could ignite this powder keg. One thing I knew for sure was that it was
only a matter of time until something happened. We were heading towards something,
I wasn’t sure what it was at that point, but I had a feeling it was coming.

After everyone else left the roof
I hung around up there thinking. Mostly thinking about a way out before
something else happened. I didn’t want to leave the building but I was smart
enough to see that things weren’t headed in the right direction here. I took
mental notes of where supplies were, where certain vehicles were and which one
might actually still have the keys in them.

I knew the small truck at the back
still had the keys in them. The driver had been killed just outside the
driver’s side door and when we first found it the truck was still running. Even
though the keys were still in the truck, my guess was that it had run out of
gas because after a few days of idling, it just shut off. The other problem was
that there were so many zombies out there it would almost be impossible to make
my way through. Scott’s car was another option. It was parked a little closer
then my car but I didn’t know if the keys were in the car or with him at the
bottom of that oil pit. I had my keys, but my car was out in the middle of the
lot and I couldn’t think of a way to get to it without fighting my way through
about a hundred Zeds.

I was discouraged. Looking out
into the parking lot trying to find something that I had missed, a way out that
I hadn’t thought of. Really I just wanted some kind of a back up plan in case
something happened. That was when I felt the hand on my shoulder. Paul was
standing behind me and I immediately assumed that he was about to accuse me of
plotting something and he wouldn’t have been wrong.

He had calmed down and started off
by offering an apology for what had happened earlier. He thanked me for all of
my support and how Kerri and I had been there for him through all of this. But
I was quick to realize that the newly humbled Paul had ulterior motives. He was
fishing for information and I think he had finally accepted that the group was
divided on what to do and that he was on the wrong side of the numbers game. He
was looking for allies, which he needed then more then ever. He knew much like
I did that the others were going to leave sooner rather then later and there
was nothing we could do to delay that decision any longer.

I didn’t need to reiterate how I
felt about leaving. Paul knew that I had no interest in trying to make it to
the coast. He knew how I felt about the challenges that we would face and the
chance that those Navy ships were no longer operating in the area. So I told
him what he wanted to hear, that I was with him and that I would support him.
What happened next however caught me off guard and the words that came out of
Paul’s mouth were deeply troubling.

He looked right into my eyes and
told me that he believed that one of the others was going to try something. He
didn’t elaborate, he didn’t get specific, he just had this feeling that
something was about to happen. The first thing that I though of was that he was
worried someone was going to make an attempt on his life. He was delusional and
I could see that his paranoia had grown worse. But what really frightened me
was that if he truly believed that, there was no telling if he was going to do
something about it first. But what had me more concerned was what he said as he
walked away.

“If or when something goes down I’ll be looking for you to have my
back. Just remember that I only did it to keep us safe. You know, for the
greater good.”

That one sentence has been
etched into my memory since he said it. At the time I didn’t know what he meant
but I remember the feeling that I had after hearing it. It confirmed my
greatest fear, that something was going to happen, he was going to do
something, and the possibilities were endless.

I stood there for a few minutes
trying to understand what had just happened. I looked out across the parking
lot and to the other side of the street to see what Hal was up too and talk my
way through my current predicament. Strange I know but it always seemed to help
me see things a little clearer when I had my one sided conversations with Hal.
But there was no time for that. I could see that Hal was almost through the
wooden planks and most of the glass door had been exposed. He was hurling his
body into the last wooden board that stood between him and the door and I
started to think that he was going to make it.

I grabbed the hunting rifle and
looked through the scope to get a better view. Hal was pretty beat up, all of
the wounds self-inflicted from smashing himself and his arms into the barricade
that protected the door of the store. He was going to get through that door
eventually unless someone was inside. I thought surely if somebody were in that
store they would have re-enforced the door from the inside, they would have
seen what Hal was doing and did something to stop him. It was so hard to
imagine that if there were a person or persons in that building that they
wouldn’t have done something to prevent Hal from breaking through.

I could see the glass door and I
guessed that it was thicker glass like most doors that businesses used were
made of. I was on the edge of my seat watching Hal as he ripped down that final
board and begin to pound his fists on the glass. I had so many questions, so
few answers but Hal’s little saga was finally drawing to its conclusion and I
didn’t want to miss a second of it.

My eyes never left him, even as I
lit up a cigarette while watching through the rifle’s scope. All the broken
wood, everything that had stood in his way littered the ground around Hal’s
feet as he pounded on the door trying to get inside. I knew the glass was
thick, I knew that it could take Hal days to break through by himself over
there. But just then by some miracle of timing it happened. I saw it before I
heard it. Four gunshots smashed through the glass door from inside the corner
store weakening the only thing that stood in Hal’s way. Then a person, a man,
ran to the door trying to push the panel of glass back and keep Hal on the
outside. The glass was shattered, but still in one piece as the man put his hands
up at the top and pushed with what I can only assume was everything he had.