In Memory (35 page)

Julia and Ariel asked me where Noah was in Math, and that was almost more than I could handle. “I don’t know.” I answered quietly and honestly.

Not knowing where he was, or if he was safe…

It’s not even a feeling I can really name.

But it hurts.

51 Days, 7 January, Wednesday

He was
n’t at school today. S
hould have expected that.

It’s crazy how accustomed I’ve become to his company. When he’s not around, I don’t really have anything that seems interesting.

Julia and Ariel both sat with me at lunch though, and I shared the spaghetti and sauce I made with them. They were trying to cheer me up, praising the taste and my cooking in general.

“Aerian, did you want to try my cookies?” Ariel asked, looking kind of desperate.

S
miled softly, taking one of the
proffered
cookies. It was a gingersnap, and had a really nice flavour.

“It’s good, thanks.” I mumbled as I chewed.

Ariel’s lower lip trembled a bit, “Are you guys not friends anymore?”

That shook me out of my funk. “Huh?”

“We saw him leaving in the hallway yesterday, he was crying. What happened?” Ariel looked ready to cry herself.

“We just-
Are
you alright? It’s not like you’ve known us that long.” I fished a tissue out of my bag, handing it to her while Julia looked on with an impassive expression.

“Well, you’re new, but Noah’s been in my class since elementary school. He’s always been alone, and never spoke at all. Ever. And then you came here, and he finally spoke! He smiled, and he’s friends with us, and even helped us with Math.” Her breath kept hitching in her
throat,
this must really have been bothering her. “And if you’re not friends anymore, he’s going to be alone again!”

R
ubbed Ariel’s shoulder supportively, not knowing what to say at all, or even managing a feeble smile.

Julia stood up, grabbing her Math textbook, and whacked me on the head with it. It sort of hurt, but surprised both Ariel and I out of our shared sadness.

“Being sad doesn’t do anything for anyone!” She said angrily, “If you guys ever want Noah to come back, then you have to smile!”

Julia sat down, frowning slightly, and stabbed my bowl of spaghetti with unwarranted ferocity.

L
ooked at her for a while
, letting her words sink in. S
till couldn’t manage a smile, thinking of what Ariel said.
He’s going to be alone again.

When I got home, Terra was sitting on the couch, and sang out a happy ‘welcome
hoooome
!’

M
umbled out a greeting, unwinding my scarf and unbuttoning my jacket. At that, I heard her walking across the living room to me.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.”

Her eyes flared, “It’s never nothing.”

L
ooked at her despondently, not even wanting to respond.

“Aerian, tell me what’s wrong. Did something happen today?”

“Not today.”

“Yesterday then?”

N
odded, gusting out a dejected sigh.

“C’mon, let’s go talk in here.” She led me to the couch, and sat down beside me as I flopped down.

“Now, tell me, love. What happened that’s got you so down?”

“Noah’s not my friend anymore.”

As soon as I said that, it hit me harder than before. It was like my own words repeated over and over in my mind, making me realise
the depth of what happened. C
ould feel my face warming, and was sure there was a brilliant crimson burning underneath my freckles.

Terra didn’t say anything, but wrapped her arms around me, and held me until I spoke again.

“I don’t even know where his is. He left, and didn’t come back.”

She stroked my hair soothingly, a silent encouragement to keep talking.

“I miss him already. It hasn’t even been a day and I already miss him. That’s crazy, right? To only be apart for a day, and already you’re sick because they’re gone? That’s not right. People shouldn’t feel this strongly about anything. It’s too hard on their hearts.”

“You know you never were friends, right?”

P
ulled away, looking at her in horror. “What?”

“You’ve always been more than that.
Something more than friends.
Partners, lovers,
soulmates
, call it whatever you want, but it’s always been more than friendship. You know that.” She placed her hand on my chest, pressing the blue glass heart into it. “His heart is still with you. It’s yours. This too will pass. I have every confidence that you will be together again.”

I’d like to say I was a tough guy, and took that stoically like Noah would have, but I didn’t. Everything seemed to pile on all at once, and I just let it go, crying into Terra’s shoulder. She whispered words of comfort, like the time she held me after that nightmare.

This was a nightmare too.

50 Days, 8 January, Thursday

What the hell is the point anymore? Why does it matt
er to count down these days? T
hought it was
fate, that
we’d always be together. May promised us. She said we’d have 77 days of happiness.

If May lied, which she must have, that could mean
Mum
was wrong
too. What if everything I’ve
been believing
just isn’t true? May said we were meant to be together, so why are we apart?

Noah was absent today as well. Ariel was still really upset, noting that whenever he was gone like this, he always came to school looking completely beat up.

“But what if he’s gone forever this time
?!”
she cried, receiving a glowering glance of warning from Julia.

P
ut my head on my desk, swallowing the hard lump of that idea. What
if…?

What if he never comes back?

49 Days, 9 January, Friday

10. Fall in love, even for a few seconds.

This doesn’t seem so simple anymore.

On a side note,
went for an eye exam today, and the optometrist deemed I needed glasses. They should be ready in a week or so.

48 Days, 10 January, Saturday

C
leaned the house today, trying to keep myself busy so I don’t go insane from worry
and dejection. It’s stupid. G
ot along fine before I met him, and now…

Now that I know he exists, I need to be near him. It was fine to picture some kind of happy and unattainable future before
;
before everything became real.

Noah is real. I’ve seen him, heard him, touched him, smelled him,
tasted
him. My senses tell me he’s everything I need and want.

My senses are addicted to him, from even the short amount of time we spent together.

This distance would be more bearable if I knew I’d feel him again. The uncertainty of his absence is
what’s killing me right now. K
now he had the noblest of causes, to keep me safe. But
I’m hating
him for it. Nobody asked you to be
noble!!

Why did you leave? Why did you leave when I can’t bear to be away from you? How can you stand it?

Then, the worst uncertainty:

Did you lie to me?

T
hen noticed I was sweeping the same spot on the floor over and over, and shook my head, grabbing the dustpan.

Terra was very aware of how I must have been feeling, because she came home with pizza and a few video rentals.

To be honest, the comedies she picked out did lighten my mood a bit, and her genuine care was comforting. We sat together on the couch, and she kept her arm around me.

F
eel kind of stupid.
Weak and vulnerable.

The feeling of failure won’t go away.

When we went to our own rooms to go to bed, I opened the box we designated for my heart collection.

It was nearly half-full, glittering and shining up at me as if nothing were wrong. Gently, I ran my fingers over the varying surfaces, and then grabbed a handful, throwing them on the floor.

“It was a lie!” I yelled, upending the whole box on the floor. The fragile blown glass one Noah found at the dollar store shattered, its glass fragments dispersing amongst all the smaller hearts.

Impulsively, I reached for it, earning several sharp stings as the uneven edges pierced my hand.

The
pain was almost comforting. S
lammed my hand into the fragments, burying them deep, raging out my frustrations. The anger surged, making me strike the glimmering pile over and over, until my hand was raw and red. Tiny pieces of glass stuck in it at all angles, shining in the light from my lamp.

It occurred to me then. This was how we met. Glass pieces buried in soft flesh. Is this how we’re going to end too?

L
eaned against my dresser, allowing the sharp pains to spike through my hand.

This is stupid.

This is stupid.

This is stupid.

The more I write that, the more I realise it.

Terra knocked on my door, and then cautiously opened it, peeking through the crack at me. “
Aerian…?”
Then she gasped, throwing the door wide. “What are you doing?” She ran to my side, reaching out for me.

“Nothing.”

Terra just stared at me, placing her hand on the side of my face. “What can I do?” She looked at me pleadingly, “What can I do to make you better? Is there anything I can do or say to make you not hurt?”

L
ooked away, wincing as she grabbed my hand.

“I know why you’re in so much pain. After everything you did for him, he left. But you have to try to keep it together, honey.” Terra brushed my fringe away from face, “You have to try. You can’t keep living in pain like this.”

W
anted to say something positive to her, to reassure her that I was going to smile for her again. But nothing occurred to me, so that’s what I maintained it was.

“It’s nothing.” I murmured, pulling my hand away from hers, dripping blood onto my floor.

“It’s not nothing
!!!”
she cried, grabbing the front of my shirt instead, abandoning the gentle approach. “I know you’re hurt, but haven’t I always been there for you? He might have left you, but that gives you no excuse for you to leave
me!!!
Now tell me exactly why you did this
!!”

“It was a lie.” I said in a strangled voice. She released me as I reached into my shirt for Noah’s blue heart. “He told me that he never l
ies.” P
ulled the necklace off, tears rolling freely down my face as I did so.
H
eld the heart in my glass-encrusted hand, letting blood run down the chain to spatter on the other hearts. “He lied to me.” I choked, “My only friend, he said he’d stay with me. And I know, I know it’s stupid to get so worked up… but I-” I hid my face in my hands, barely aware of the glass piercing my cheek. “I thought he meant forever. That’s what we promised. I know this is stupid.”

“Oh, honey…” Terra touched my hands gingerly, pulling them down to look at me. “It’s not stupid. You love him, and he broke your heart.” She looked meaningfully at the other hearts surrounding me. “It only makes sense that you would break all these hearts.”

She hugged me, and I cried silently, squeezing my eyes shut to hide the innocent gleams of the hearts.

A
llowed her to get a first aid kit and remove the splinters of glass from my hand, whispering apologies the entire time.

“It’s okay, honey.” Terra would whisper every time.

She ordered me to sleep after rinsing and bandaging the many wounds I had inflicted on myself. “You might see things differently in the morning.” Terra held me, kissing me softly on the head. “I love you, don’t ever forget that.”

It’s hard to write after removing that broken heart.

47 Days, 11 January, Sunday

Terra was
right,
I did feel better in the morning. Not a lot better, but the stinging in my hand reminded me of how messed up I was last night. In comparison to that, I feel pretty good.

G
reeted Terra properly in the morning, with a cheerful
smile
, and got to work on making some waffles.

It does feel better to look at things positively. The idea of him with his father, or outside and alone is terrifying, but I don’t want to be angry with him if he does decide to come back.