In the Mix (14 page)

That was a dick move, dragging your sister into this!

I just wanted to prepare her.

Prepare her for what—you being an asshole?

If she hasn’t managed to come to this conclusion already, then it’s a lost cause.

Make sure to get your next set of notes off of her.

No. I’m done listening to you.

Yes. You’ll want to read them.

Just sayin’ . . .

Goodbye!

See you Saturday, beautiful.

Fuck you!

That option is ALWAYS available when you want it. ;)

Ugh! He is confusing the hell out of me. This is one of those phone-slamming moments. Yes, I’m dialing his cell on my work phone, an old-school phone that can do the job.

“Hey . . .” he answers.

SLAM!

There—now I feel better. I look up from the phone, watching Lindsey head back in. “All better?” I ask.

“Yes.” She smiles. “Who do we have coming in today?”

I look back down at the schedule. Jesus. Another shit day. “We have Pearl and Trixie. That’s all.” I let out a big sigh. I can’t keep going on like this. Something’s gotta give.

“Will it pick up in the winter?”

“I don’t know. Usually it’s busier during the summer and into the fall. I really don’t understand what’s going on.” I flip through the next few days only to find more of the same.

“Yesterday the ice cream truck came around and Mom bought me one.”

“That’s nice. I totally would’ve run to get in line with you. I love getting an ice cream cone off a truck. It tastes better for some reason.” I widen my eyes and give a slight groan at the thought. Also, I realize that this kid really has some sort of “decency” hold on me. If it was anybody else giving me this random information, I would’ve been widening my eyes thinking they were a moron or something.

“You should’ve seen the line!” She says with excitement. “You know what I noticed?”

“What’s that, babe?”

“A bunch of people were standing in line with their dogs on leashes.” She laughs. “I imagined the dogs were all lined up to get our spa treatment! Isn’t that silly?”

She’s a genius!

“Actually, that’s not silly at all, Linz. There are a lot of groomers that do go around like an ice cream truck to groom people’s pets.” I assure her. It is something that I have always been well aware of but never thought about it for me. Maybe I
should
look into that. Fuck, that sounds like a big hassle. A: I don’t have a truck. B: I don’t have money to finance a truck. C: What song would I play driving around—“Who Let The Dogs Out?” My brain already hurts, thinking about it.

“Can we do that?” Her eyes light up.

“Sure! Do you have a truck lying around somewhere?” A little snark never hurt no one!

“No.” She slumps in the chair next to me. “Can we rent one?”

“I don’t have the money to do that, sweetie, or we’d be cruisin’ in a paw mobile in a heartbeat.” And with that, we sit there, watching the cars go by outside, in silence.

“Oh!” She jumps up after a few. “I almost forget to give you Kyle’s notes.” She heads to the back, quickly.
Great!
After a minute or two, she comes back. “Here you go,” she says hurriedly. Um . . . ok.

Cici,

I’m sorry that I behaved the way I did tonight. I know that you’ve been hurt in the past; I’ve learned that much. However, I think I’ve proven that I’m more interested in pursuing a relationship with you—not just a one-night stand. There’s something about you that makes me feel things. Things I’m not sure of myself. Things I know I’m not familiar with. Crazy. You make me feel crazy! It’s a good crazy, though. Well, at least, it makes me feel good. I never know what to expect with you. That’s my favorite part about you. That’s also the scariest part. This is all scary for me. I don’t care how much of pussy I sound like right now—it’s true!

We all have a past that has mistakes we’ve made or bad memories that like to resurface. We can’t let it dictate our future. I don’t know what that fucking prick did to you but I know one thing—he didn’t deserve you! I deserve you. Please give me the proper chance to prove that to you.

I panicked last night. I knew then that you were using me to escape whatever it is that is haunting you right now. I didn’t like it then and I don’t like it now. But . . . if you were just using me to help you forget what’s bothering you and not JUST using me, then I’m ok with that as long as you and me are a “we” . Do you understand what I’m saying to you? Can you commit to me—only me? We’ll go at whatever speed you want to. I just need the commitment.

I hope I see you at Linz’s party. I know there’s a possibility that you won’t come and I know I’m to blame for that. But please consider what it means to my sister to have you there. You’re so good to her, Ceese. She loves you.

Just one more thing before I end this letter. Being with you tonight (before I had a tantrum) was nothing short of a slice of heaven to me. Touching your soft skin, tasting you, kissing you . . . being inside of you; the sounds that escaped your throat are still loud in my ears. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve imagined us like that. Next time, don’t avoid my eyes and let me make love to you. I don’t mind fucking at all but I just wanted to savor the moment with you tonight and you wouldn’t let me have that. Did you not feel the way that I did? Text me now and tell me “Yes, I felt it” or “No, I didn’t.” When you do so, I will tell you what that abbreviation meant.
:)

Yours, no matter what,

Kyle xxx

Fuck the way I’m feeling right now!

What do I do? Yeah, I felt the way he was feeling. I also felt a shitload of anxiety with it, as well. I’m feeling that right now! Like I’m in a crowded room with no oxygen.

“Are you ok? You don’t look so well.” I hear Linz ask next to me.

“I don’t feel so good,” I answer and get up to walk near the AC duct. Don’t hate me but I’m about to punk out right now. This is too much for me. I have too many things on my plate—I can’t handle this. I just can’t.

I go back to the desk and grab my phone.

I read your first note.

Back off.

I stare at my phone, waiting. Several minutes go by and instead of driving myself crazy, I decide to head into my office and compile the list of bills I need to pay off. Christ, this list is growing by the minute and definitely not helping my anxiety. My phone pings. Nervously, I look down at it.

Mitch:
What did you do?

Me:
What did I do when?

Mitch:
What did you just do to Kyle?!

Me:
What are you talking about?

Mitch:
You are a fucking piece of work! Smh.

I don’t bother to respond again. I don’t know what’s going on that he would send me these texts but I can imagine that it’s not good. Suddenly, the butterflies I usually feel in my belly when Kyle is around me are fluttering in my heart. That can’t be good, right? I knew I was going to fuck this up. I told you—didn’t I?! I’m not cut out for this shit.
I was once.
That was a long time ago, though. I’ve learned my lesson. My phone pings again. I look down, expecting a lovely message from Mitch telling me to go fuck myself. Instead . . .

Kyle:
DONE!

Look, I’m not about playing games, but did you see that? Fucking liar. Was he not the one who said to me last night, and I quote,
“Don’t mistake my leaving tonight as me giving up. I never quit, Birkita.”?
Still, I’m not going to sit here and tell you my heart didn’t just break a little.

Focus . . . focus . . . focus.

Electric:
217.51 due: Immediately!

Vendor (Paws plus):
353.01 due: Immediately! Won’t send anymore shipments till paid in full.

Fuckers!

Rent:
1000.00 due: 2 weeks ago—
shit!

Amex:
Fuck that shit . . . I can’t even look! Wait . . . $457.63 due: tomorrow. Hmm . . .

Lindsey:
20hrs times 8=160.00.

I fire up my laptop and get into my bank account for business.

$1604.23.

“Booyah, motherfucka!” I fist pump before writing out a check for the rent. I pay the Amex bill online then pay the vendor with the Amex (that will be charged on Monday to give all the money a chance to settle.). That leaves me with . . . $146.60. That plus what I get today will cover the electric and some of Lindsay’s paycheck. I pull up my personal account. Um . . . yeah, looks like I’ll be visiting the pawn shop later.

Fuck my life . . . just fuck it!

Well, it could’ve been worse, right? I lean back in my office chair, closing my eyes for a moment. I love my chair. It’s one of those that go back so far, you think you’re going to fall. I open my eyes back up. “
Fuck!
Jesus Christ, Linz!” I yell, holding my chest, after she scares the effin’ crap out of me.

“Sorry,” she says sympathetically then begins to giggle. “You should’ve seen your face; that was awesome.”

“Yeah . . . yeah. What’s up? Our client here?” I swirl my chair around to face her.

“No. You forgot to open these.” She hands the other notes from Kyle to me. I take in a deep breath and let out a heavy sigh, grabbing the notes from her.

Note #2:

Yes, that, most definitely, would be creepy.

Note #3:

Ok. I laughed.
Damn it.
I wasn’t expecting that.

“What’s so funny?” Lindsay tries to peek.

“Nothing really.” I close up the letter and shove it in my desk drawer. “Hey, Linz, I need to talk to you about something. Can you sit?”

“There’s no other seat in here, CiCi.” She looks around then back at me with her brow furrowed.

“It was just a figure of speech.” I wave her off.

“Huh?”

“Never mind. Listen, I’m gonna need to cut back on your hours. It’s only temporary.” I add the last bit quickly.

“Did I do something wrong?” she asks, her chin beginning to quiver.

“God, no, Linz.” I grab her hands. “Things are just really slow right now. It’s getting very difficult for me to keep up with my bills. Do you understand that it has nothing to do with you? If I had the money, I’d have you here full-time if you wanted it.” I try to reassure her.

“Can I still come in? Can I volunteer some of my time?”

“You’d do that?”

“I love working here. I look forward to it.” She looks down. “This is the only place I’ve ever worked where no-one treats me differently. I’m just Lindsay here. I’m not the girl with Downs Syndrome.”

“Have I ever told you how fucking awesome I think you are?” I smile through my tears. I love this kid. Fuck all those people who treat her differently! She is different—she’s not a douchebag like most people. She’s sweet, sincere, loving, caring . . . you get the idea. She rocks and it’s an honor not only to know her but to call her my friend. “If you want to volunteer ten hours and work the other ten, that’s fine by me! I can’t imagine this place without you. Buddy would have conniption fit if you weren’t here when he was.” I get up and hug her.

“I wouldn’t want to do that to him.” She shakes her head.

“Alright, c’mon . . . let’s get out there. Maybe a massive rush happened while we were both back here.” I side hug her to me as we head out. Just then, the bells jingle and Addie walks through with Pearl.

“Would it look like favoritism if we took Pearl first?” Lindsay leans closer to me to ask. I go into hysterics. I’m definitely rubbing off on her. Probably not a good thing, but it’s funny.

“Addie might get upset but she’ll just have to understand that we take the dogs first—always!” I play along. Lindsay giggles. I love it when she laughs.