In the Rearview (14 page)

Whispering

I hear it

Constantly

A little voice

Tells me

That I am wrong

That I can't go on

That I will never be strong

But that pesky voice

Can't hurt me

It can be ignored

It can continue

Whispering

Until the end of days

But as far

As I'm concerned

Every effort

Is wasted

Time marches on

It stops for no one

There is no buggy

With death inside

Waiting to pick you up

You blink away

Years at a time

And nothing ever slows

There is no reason

Nothing to comfort you

Or your valid worries

If you ask time why

It functions as it does

You will not like the answer

Even if you ask nicely

With added pomp and flair

It just looks to you

With somber eyes

And simply says

Because

 

Dear Diary,

Time goes by so quickly these days. Wasn't I just a little freshman, nervous to start high school? Now I am already a senior, and again I find myself nervous. Being a senior is a new thing. It is a little scary. I have to face the fact I will have to enter the real world soon. Going to college, taking classes, and deciding on a major, I have to do it all. It's scary to know I'll actually pick what I want to do when I grow up. And then somehow I'll land on a career. I don't normally get scared over decisions like this, but these are seriously big ones. One thing I do know is that I want to help people. But that's about where I get lost. Being a counselor would be rewarding; I'd love that, to help people who have had similar problems like I had.

But who knows?

On top of the stress of growing up, I have also recently been dumped. I realize this seems like such a young worry, especially after all of the real hurt I've suffered by my own hand, but I was overcome with sadness nonetheless.

For two-and-a-half days, I lay in my bed. The only reasons I got up were to shower, go to the bathroom, and brush my teeth. I detached myself from the world. I thought it would be easier to deal with my pain and disappointment alone.

In the end that didn't seem to help me much. All I achieved was more disappointment and more pain. I found ways to blame myself. When I didn't have my amazing friends telling me it was his stupid decision and his loss, I thought it was my loss. Even though he told me I had done nothing wrong, he had just fallen out of love with me, I still felt at fault.

How can someone just fall out of love without having the other person do something to initiate that? I wondered what I had done to produce such a decision from him. Had I become less attractive? Did I say or do the wrong things? Was I just not good enough?

Through all of these questions, I was thankful I hadn't ever chanced sharing my struggles with him. If he had been disgusted with my past, or trampled on and diminished my successes since, then I would have likely fallen to temptation. It would have crushed me. And no one else is worth breaking my strength. Absolutely no one. Only I should have that power. I'm glad I never told him, but that didn't change how sad I was I hadn't been worth his time.

I felt so inadequate. Rejection does that.

After those two-and-
a-
half days in bed, I moved from my room to the couch. I walked my lazy butt upstairs to watch yet more TV. However, I knew in the back of my mind I was making progress. Now I wanted to eat again too. I threw myself a pity party, but it was still progress.

After a day of my one-person party, I finally got dressed in real clothes. A friend took me shopping, and my progress continued to grow.

However, I'm still kind of stressed.

I don't do too well as single. It makes me feel more alone.

And lonely is always hard for me.

Please do me one favor

Before you walk away

When you take with you my heart

And leave me with just my pain

After you turn your head away

Just before you see my tears

And the fear upon my face

Can you do me just one favor

Turn off the lights, please

Before you close the door

I know how to help my friends

Hear their problems

Give them my shoulder and my ear

I also give superb advice

But my biggest problem is

Never listening to it myself

You took my heart with you when you left

When it made its way back to me

Eventually

It was broken

Bruised and simply shattered

I often wonder if you even realize

It was in your pocket when you left

In your few words

You told me

You no longer love me

You took my heart

The one you held next to yours

You threw it down

Like it had never mattered

You walked away

Leaving my happiness

And me behind

You left me

Crying behind you

And you never looked back

I had you

And now I don't

You turned around

And walked away

Now I'm left

Standing here alone

By myself

Once again

I'm not so keen on being alone

I can do it

But I don't like it

I do have my friends

And I will make it through

But I will never like being

Alone again

So harsh

So cold

So unlike you

You said just what you thought

You needed to say

Your voice

It had no emotion

It lacked its usual spark

You were so mean

To me

So unkind

You didn't care

How hurt I was

How I felt

You were so cruel

I guess I'm better off

It just doesn't feel that way yet

My friends try to make me feel better

Sometimes it works

For a while

Sometimes it doesn't

They tell me

You were stupid

You will miss me

Now that I'm gone

You will realize how ridiculous

You have been

They say

It is your loss

I try to believe it

I know I will soon

Who wouldn't want to be with me

I do have a big heart

I loved you with all I had

But you threw that away

You didn't want it anymore

And now I will try to see

That it is your loss

Your stupid choice

Not to be with me

I missed my chance

I could have had it

Been taken care of

Perfect forever

I could have loved you back

Stayed by your side

Taken care of you too

But I let you slip away

Into her arms

Now you're happy

With her

And I'm all alone

Watching you

Get further away

Without ever turning around

To see what you

Missed out on

Me

I love me

I don't care if you do

My friends love me

I don't need you to

My parents love me

More than you would

My family loves me

Who cares if you do

I love me

And that's all I need

A whole new ballgame

Dear Diary,

Just when life had been so good, I made a horrible mistake. All I need is one more source of stress in my life, right?

Last weekend I was at a party. I was still feeling bad about being dumped, so I started to drink. There were no other girls there. Normally this would not be a strange occurrence for me; I have a lot of guy friends. But something was different last weekend.

There was this little feeling in the back of my head, and down in my gut, that said something was off. I didn't listen. Instead I chose to ignore it, thinking I was being stupid. It turns out, the decision to ignore my instincts was what was stupid.

As soon as I'd taken my first sip of alcohol, he'd started to encourage me. I hadn't thought anything was wrong with this. After all, lots of my guy friends encouraged me before; they'd find it funny I was such a lightweight. They knew that's why I rarely drank. Occasionally they'd even tease me and dared me to match them, drink for drink. I never did. Sometimes I pretended to match them, every other sip being water.

But last weekend I could be influenced. With my recent breakup so close behind me, it had been easy to encourage a huge amount of alcohol down my throat and directly into my bloodstream.

He'd kept encouraging me to down more as he fondled the same bottle of beer all night. While he nursed that same drink, though I never realized it until after, I'd begun to lose more and more control. Before I knew it, I was in the blackout stage. I'd done such stupid things. I hadn't noticed I had lost my shoe. I'd run around the wet yard in my socks and cold weather.

Mortifying.

Honestly, I don't remember all that much after the first half-hour. I can pull up small spurts of time from the depths of my brain, but that's it. Most of the rest I can piece together I have been told since. I don't try too hard either. I cringe more from actual memories than the stories I have been told.

I now know I lost my virginity that night. Someone got me so drunk, I let that horrible jerk into my pants and my body. I gave him something I can never get back. And I can't even remember my first time. It wasn't special. It wasn't even recorded into my memory.

No one stopped me. No one had even tried to intervene. People who I considered to be my friends had watched as he'd encouraged me to drink and had taken advantage of a confused, lonely, and drunk virgin. I guess it had been consensual at the time. As far as I can remember, I didn't ever say no. I may have said, “I'm not sure,” or
“This is probably something I shouldn't do,” but I don't have the ability to recall. I'm not sure I had the capability or sense to say no anymore.

After he'd convinced me, I'd eventually said yes. But that doesn't mean he hadn't taken advantage of me. He'd done everything he needed to do. By pouring my strong drink, using the knowledge that I'd been recently dumped so he could work off my insecurities and loneliness, he'd gotten me where he wanted me, and then he'd taken advantage of me. My virginity had been taken, and I can't even remember it.

I'd been so stupid.

I wish with all I have inside of me I could take it back. I wish everyone in school didn't already know so quickly. I wish I could take the stress of all of this off of my shoulders.

I know I will get over it. I will let it go, I will move on, and I will feel better. But right now, I don't feel good about myself. Actually I don't even feel good physically. I feel sick to my stomach whenever I think about my awful mistakes.

I'm so hurt.

I'm so stressed.

Why does this need to add to the stress of my breakup? I've entered into a whole new ballgame now, and I know I just need to keep learning to cope with everything I'm thrown. I have done it before, and I can do it again.

I understand I am capable of adapting without falling into my old destructive patterns. It may take a lot of work, but it is something I have to be able to do.