In the Wake of Wanting (32 page)

“My parents were never
that
strict. And they were strict. We got to pick our music and read whatever books we wanted. I watched whatever I could find on cable. We didn’t have movie channels, though. Rated-R movies were off limits until I was old enough to see them. That was my one restriction.”

I laugh lightly. “I bet you have years of catching up to do.”

She smiles. “Yeah.”

“That’s a privately-run hospital?”

“Mm-hmm. Most of what my parents earn goes to pay for Nyall to be a patient there. It’s the best one in Virginia. Joel and I are both on scholarships. We both had jobs throughout high school to save up for incidentals while we’re in college. That’s why I never argue when you offer to pay for things,” she admits.

“Well, that’s just common sense. How else does the hospital get its money? Donors?”

“Yeah,” she says.

“I’m going to do a blog post,” I announce, my mind already made up.

“Shouldn’t you have asked permission when you talked to people there? Or took pictures?”

“It’ll have a limited audience,” I explain. “I’ll protect it and give the password to two people.”

“Who?”

“Jack and Emi Holland,” I tell her. If anyone will be moved to help that hospital, it will be my parents. “This is right up their alley, laureate.”

“How so?”

“Because I made a friend there today. They can never say no when I make friends.”

Her tears fall faster. “He really liked you, Trey. He never likes anyone, but he genuinely appreciated you. I haven’t seen him that excited since before he was checked in there. It was like the old Nyall was back with us. Like he forgot to be sad and angry and hurt.”

“Thanks for inviting me, Coley. I had just as much fun as he did. Trust me. Maybe I can come back the next time Joel’s tied up with school.”

“You’ll be first on my list of invitees. And I know Nyall would really like that. Maybe you can even come with me
and
Joel sometime.”

“At this point, Joel seems like he may be harder to impress,” I joke with her.

“Joel’s just like me–only he has a penis.”

“Whoa!” I burst out laughing and make eye contact with our driver, whose smirk is clearly visible from the backseat. “Good to know. Then I guess I’ll end up liking him very much–maybe in different ways.”

On the plane, we both get out our notes and prepare to work on the other articles we have that are due tomorrow. The takeoff is much rockier than the one in Jersey. As Coley white-knuckles the armrest, I offer her my hand to hold. She thanks me and weaves her fingers between mine, the coolth of them quickly mingling with the warmth of mine. I rub my thumb over hers, trying to soothe her through the turbulence. She closes her eyes tightly, not wanting to see the dark clouds we’ve ascended upon. There’s lightning in the distance. I keep my focus out the window, enjoying the stormy display and watching how the raindrops collect on the Plexiglas.

“It’s okay,” I tell her when we’ve finally reached our cruising altitude. I pull my hand away from hers and straighten my papers, thumbing through them haphazardly, not wanting to get back to my homework.

“Trey?”

“Yeah?”

“Why didn’t you let me tell Henrietta that you had a girlfriend earlier?” she questions me quietly. “It seemed like you cut me off, like, on purpose.”

I know she’s looking directly at me while I bite the inside of my cheek, wondering how I should respond. Shifting in my chair, I finally remove my seatbelt and turn to face her. After taking two deep breaths–one didn’t do the trick–I decide to tell her. “Because after tonight, laureate, I won’t have one anymore.”

“Do you think that’s her decision, or is it yours?”

I look directly into her eyes and nod my head. “It’s mine.”

She lifts her brows and looks at me with uncertainty. “You’re letting her fly all the way over here so you can break up with her?” she asks with uneasiness.

“There was no way I was going to do it over the phone. That’s the only reason it hasn’t happened sooner.”

She shuts her laptop, which she’d had open in front of her. “Can I ask why you’re doing it?”

“Sure. And there’s a multitude of reasons which you already know about. Over the past year and a half, things have slowly started drifting in a direction that I’m uncomfortable with. No, you know what? It’s not that I’m not comfortable with it. I’m
unhappy
with it. I’ve stayed with her because it was expected. What I was supposed to do. Because it’s what we’d planned. It was what I once wanted. What I thought I wanted, anyway, when I was sixteen years old, seventeen maybe.

“I feel trapped, though. And I feel awful for saying that, because she’s a beautiful girl. So smart and driven. She’ll be great for someone–but she’s not great for me.”

“Trapped from doing what?”

“Living my life the way I need to live it. She can be a little demanding. A little controlling. Standing up to her creates tension and starts fights, so I just let her have her way more often than not. But I’m tired of that. And I’ve been letting her know that. So we’ve been fighting a lot. It’s not pleasant. I mean, a little passion in a relationship’s good, but not when it’s just anger.

“I don’t need to be controlled. I’ve got my life figured out. I’ve got a good head on my shoulders. I can see where some guys might need a little micromanaging, but I’m not one of them,” I tell her.

“No,” she says. “You’re not.”

I don’t want to omit any of my reasons, choosing to be as honest with her as possible. “Coley, I really like what you and I have together. It’s never been so easy for me to get along with a girl. To feel comfortable around one. You’ve completely disarmed me. I count you among one of my best friends, and I’ve only known you, what… seven weeks? It’s taken me years to trust other people like I trust you. But there’s something about you.

“And these feelings continue to grow. I can’t have a relationship with another woman when I wake up every morning and my first thought is of you. Before I go to sleep at night, I force myself to remember Zaina. I’ll look at her picture. I’ll read her texts. I’ll even leave her voicemails, telling her about my day. I’ve tried so hard to divert my affections back to her, but you suffuse my dreams and hang around to greet me when I open my eyes.”

“Maybe I shouldn’t have stayed with you this past week,” she suggests.

“I don’t mean literally,” I explain. “You staying with me made everything very clear, honestly. The thought of Zaina staying with me for even a night has always made me feel like I was losing a part of myself. Not just my privacy. There was no premeditated thought when I invited you to stay. No fear before I asked and no regret after. And instead of feeling like I had lost anything, it felt like I had benefitted from your visit. I felt more comfortable. I felt safer. I actually felt
more
like myself.

“And I don’t want to talk to you today about what happens next. At this point, I want to believe we’ll be friends and nothing more tomorrow, too. Maybe that’s all we’ll ever be, I don’t know. If it is, it’s okay. A part of me doesn’t want things to change, anyway, because they have been really incredible. The friendship. The occasional flirting.”

I smile at her, hoping she understands, but she doesn’t notice me. She’s looking down at the makeshift workspace in front of her, doodling in her notebook. Flowers and stripes and tiny hearts.

“I just have to get through tonight,” I reiterate.

“Is she still staying with you?” she asks.

“I’m bringing her over to talk. Whether she will want to stay or go, I’ll leave that up to her. But nothing’s going to happen between us. All of that’s in the past, laureate. You have to trust me.”

She sighs.

“Listen,” I tell her, lifting her chin so she’ll look into my eyes, “if I had that much self-discipline last week, tonight’s not going to be a problem at all. Something you should know about me by now is that when I put my mind to something, it’s not changing. My parents both say I’m the most resolute person they know.”

“You don’t even owe me that promise or that explanation,” she says, “because today, we’re just friends.”

I nod my head. “You’re right. But if you have hopes for anything else, I don’t want you to worry about that.”

“
Can
I have hopes?” she asks timidly.

“Can I get back to you tomorrow?” I plead with her playfully. She nods. My heart skips a beat, knowing she has hopes. Even though I don’t want to think about a future with her right now, I’m happy to know there may be one.

I drop Coley off in front of Carman Hall, giving her a quick hug from across my console. No words are exchanged between us, but the sympathetic smile she leaves me with lets me know she understands the difficulty that lies ahead of me tonight.

chapter sixteen

I stop by my apartment, dropping off my books and making sure everything’s in order. Jenny had emailed me Friday to let me know she was sick and wouldn’t be able to make it this weekend. Fortunately, with Coley here last week, I’d been careful about keeping the place tidy. I check the guest room and bathroom to make sure nothing of hers was left behind. The last thing I want Zai to be confronted with is evidence of “the other woman.” While that may be one of the reasons I’m suggesting the breakup, it’s not the only reason. It’s not the
main
reason. This has been brewing for a long time before Coley came into my life.

I check myself in the mirror, wishing I had time for a shower. My hair’s a mess from our earlier swim and still reeks of chlorine. I decide to change into fresh clothes, putting on a shirt Zaina bought me that I know she loves.

Staring into my own eyes, I study them closely.
You can do this, Trey
.

I wonder if she’ll be blindsided or if she’ll sense something’s wrong. It hurts to think of what’s soon to transpire. I grab my phone, wallet and keys and head downstairs where my car is still waiting with the valet.

As soon as I pull out into the street, I get a phone call.

“Hey, Dad.”

“Hi, Jackson,” he says, his voice gravelly and tired. “How are you?” I hear the chatter of little girls in the background.

“I’m good. Are you guys home?” I ask him, remembering that Mom and Dad had taken the girls to Stamford to visit my grandmother for the day.

“We just got everything unloaded at Livvy’s. I think we’re going to order in. Want to join us? We’d love to see you,” he says, sounding hopeful.

“I can’t, Dad, sorry. I’m on my way to pick up Zai. Her flight gets in at seven-fifteen.”

“Oh, that’s right. I forgot she was coming home this week. She can come, too, of course,” he suggests.

“We already have plans,” I tell him, hoping that he can’t hear the dread in my voice.

“Of course you do,” he says. “You haven’t seen her in weeks. Can you pencil in your mom and me for dinner one night this week?”

“I’ll come over one day, sure,” I tell him.

“Perfect. Your mom wants to make sure you’re getting some home-cooked meals.”

“I’ll never say no to your cooking, Dad,” I tell him. “Tell Livvy, Jon and the girls I’ll call them tomorrow. I need to plan a night with them, too.”

“I will. Your grandmother misses you, Jackson. She sends her love. Tell Zaina we said hello, and we want to see her while she’s in town.”

“I’ll see if she has time,” I say to him. The awkwardness that follows undoubtedly hints at the fact that things aren’t like they used to be with me and Zai. She
always
makes time for my parents when she’s back in New York.

“Is everything okay?” he asks me.

“It’s fine.” My voice wavers with my lie.

“We’re always here for you.”

“I know, Dad.”

“How was your flight? Did your day in Virginia go okay?”

“The flight was fine. There was a little turbulence coming home. We flew into a storm. I’ll have to tell you and Mom about this hospital, Dad. It was so depressing. Like, everything there was lifeless and so restrictive. They had sidewalks taking you from building to building, but they were lined entirely with tall gates so you couldn’t veer from the concrete. There was no way anyone could climb over them. And you had to have badge access to get through them, too, only the patients don’t have any access on their own. At least Coley’s brother didn’t. He had to be accompanied by nurses everywhere. They were more like guards, though. Big guys who could clearly tackle him, if need be.

“It felt much more like a minimum security prison than a hospital.”

“It’s probably for his own good,” he comments. “What was he like?”

“When he was confined to the small seated area with his doctor and the guards, he was defensive and kind of rude. But I found out he’s a swimmer, and I made some comment about being on the team at Columbia. His doctor said we could all go swimming in their indoor pool, so we did. Once he got out there, Dad, he was just a normal guy. We raced, lap after lap, for about an hour and a half. And then we just hung out in the pool and talked about summers at the YMCA when he and Coley and Joel were kids. He had great memories and funny stories to tell. We laughed a lot. He’s easily someone I’d be friends with, you know?”