In This Small Spot (24 page)

“Thanks,” he gasped.

Mickey looked up at him. “Are you okay?” she
asked.

“Just out of shape,” he smiled. He eyed her
more closely. “How about you?”

“Oh,” she said, scraping her shovel against
an icy spot on the walk. “Um…”

“I know a little bit about sleepless
nights,” he said. She looked up at him, wondering how many of her
sleepless nights he had noticed and why he’d been up. “It’s okay,”
he said, anticipating her reaction. “I’m not drinking. I just hope
things are better.”

“Things are better, now, thanks,” she
said.

She kept repeating that to herself as she
paced in the corridor outside Mother’s office later in February.
She and Jessica were each required to meet with her prior to taking
vows, but Mickey had never felt so anxious at the prospect of
talking to her. She had never lied to Mother Theodora and
desperately hoped she would not be asked any questions she could
not answer honestly. “Just remember, things are better now,” she
said to herself one more time as she took a deep breath and
knocked.

“
Venite
,” came the expected
response.

“
Pax tecum
,” Mickey replied as she
entered.

“
Et cum spiritu tuo
, my child. Come
in, Mickey, sit.”

Mickey sat, as she had so many times before,
in the chair facing Mother Theodora’s desk.

“How are you?” Mother Theodora’s dark eyes
were probing. “You seem to have been struggling lately.”

“I have been,” Mickey admitted. “But… it’s
getting better.”

“Do you feel prepared to take your
vows?”

“Mostly.”

Mother smiled. “But you still have
reservations?”

“I wish I could say no.”

“An honest response.” Mother Theodora
continued to study Mickey’s face as she asked, “Is there any reason
you should not proceed with your simple vows?”

Mickey paused for several seconds before
answering. “No, Mother,” she said pensively, “but if circumstances
became such that I felt I should not remain here any longer, I
would come to you.”

Mother Theodora didn’t break her gaze. “I
hope that will not be necessary, Sister,” she said quietly. “You
have made a very real contribution to our community, and I would
not like to see you leave, so long as you are confident it is God’s
will that you be here.”

Once again, the community was asked to vote
on the candidates for the novitiate and for simple vows. If Mickey
thought she was nervous the last time her future at St. Bridget’s
hung on a vote, it was nothing to the nerves she felt this time.
She’d now been at St. Bridget’s for three years. Going back to the
outside world would be very difficult, but so much had happened
over the past two years, bad and good – the accusations from Wendy
and Abigail, Mother’s accident and surgery – that she honestly
couldn’t tell how the balance of those things might affect the
vote.

The meeting with the Council went smoothly
enough, although Mickey found it difficult to look Sister
Scholastica in the eye. There were what she supposed were the
standard questions: “Do you understand the gravity of the vows you
will make?” “Are you prepared to live in accordance with your vows
and the Rule of this abbey?” “Do you see any reason why you should
not proceed in your vocation?” Mickey was very glad Sister
Scholastica couldn’t read minds as she answered this last question,
trying to maintain a neutral expression. When she received word
this time that she had been accepted, she went to her choir stall
and prayed fervently, “Please let me be worthy of their
confidence.”

On Holy Thursday, Jessica and Mickey were
again part of the foot-washing. Mother Theodora couldn’t help a
quiet grunt as she lowered herself to her knees – “your abdominal
muscles will never be as strong again,” Mickey had warned her after
her surgery – and it took all of Mickey’s self-control not to
assist Mother to her feet after she had washed the last woman’s
feet. As always following the Mass, the Eucharist was temporarily
removed from the main Chapel, but this year the common room was to
be used as the choir and chapel for the next two days. The altar in
the main Chapel was closed from view by a floor to ceiling drape.
Mother Theodora would only say that the Chapel was being remodeled.
The nuns could hear workers on the other side of the drape.

As the Easter Vigil Mass began Saturday
night, back in the main Chapel, a partial drape was still in place
above the altar. Mickey glanced into the public chapel and was
surprised to see Jamie and Jennifer sitting there. She had been
expecting them for Easter Sunday, but neither had said anything
about being there that night. Communion was distributed, and as the
Recessional music began with the organ reverberating and voices
joyfully proclaiming,
“Exsultet iam angelica turba caelorum
exsultent divina mysteriosa…”,
the drape was released, falling
dramatically to the floor. Mickey gasped and forgot to sing. Behind
the altar, seemingly suspended in mid-air, was a larger-than-life
sculpture of Jesus, arms raised overhead, body arched. It was
simultaneously the posture of the crucifixion and an expression of
triumph. She turned to Jamie who was smiling proudly.

Mickey got to speak to him only briefly
through the grille following Mass. “It’s absolutely beautiful,” she
said, her eyes shining. “I am so proud of you.”

“Thanks,” he said, taking her hand through
the grille.

Mickey glanced at Jennifer and was shocked
to see her looking at Jamie with a radiant expression. “I want to
talk to you tomorrow,” she said to him with the twin look.

Bishop Marcus returned to the abbey the next
day for the profession of Jessica and Mickey into simple vows.
Together, they sang the Magnificat as they approached the altar
where the Bishop and Mother awaited them. Bishop Marcus gave Mickey
a small nod of recognition.

Lying facedown on the floor, Jessica and
Mickey made their vows, signed the agreement and received the plain
silver bands signifying this stage of religious life. Mickey choked
up as she felt the weight of the band where Alice’s ring used to
be. After their short, white veils were exchanged for long, black
ones in the side chamber where they had first received the habit,
they went to their choir stalls while the two postulants were
Clothed. Mickey was barely aware of what was happening to them.
Though the Clothing was a much more elaborate ceremony, this one –
this simple exchange of promises and veils felt so much more
profound. “Well, it would be after all the drama you created to go
with it,” she reminded herself. “Why do you always have to make
everything so hard?”

When Mass was over, the two newly professed
nuns and two new novices went through the traditional receiving
line, ending with the Abbess. As they had when Mickey and the
others had been Clothed, many of the hugs were accompanied by
wishes of encouragement, “I’m so glad, Sister,” or “God bless you,
Sister.” Sister Josephine’s green eyes twinkled with a smile as she
said, “You’ve aged me ten years in the last few months. I didn’t
think you’d make it this far.”

Mickey laughed. “For a while, I wasn’t sure
either. Thank you for everything,” she said sincerely as she gave
Sister Josephine a hug.

When she got to Sister Anselma, neither
trusted herself to speak. For a couple of seconds, they allowed
themselves to let down their guard as they looked into each other’s
eyes. Their embrace was the only touch they’d shared since
admitting their feelings to one another. Reluctantly, they released
each other and Mickey moved on.

Mother Theodora gave Mickey a tight hug,
whispering, “My prayer for you is that you find peace, Mickey.”
Mickey noticed she didn’t say “find peace here,” but “you’re just
being paranoid,” she told herself.

There was a reception in the refectory for
the families of the four women celebrating the day. Mother Theodora
introduced Jamie as the sculptor of the figure hanging in the
Chapel. He received an enthusiastic round of applause. Mickey had
to wait for the crowd around him to disperse before she could talk
to him.

“Jamie,” she beamed as she hugged him
tightly. “Why in the world didn’t you tell me? It’s
incredible!”

He smiled, still red-faced from all the
attention. “Thanks. I’ve been working on it for the past year.
Mother Theodora asked me to come up with some sketches, and we
worked out the design. She asked me not to say anything to you; she
wanted it to be a surprise for the community.”

“Isn’t it wonderful?” Jennifer appeared at
Mickey’s side and hugged her also. “I’ve seen some of his other
work at galleries in New York, but there’s something special about
this piece.”

Her dark eyes focused intently on Mickey.
“How are you? The letter…?”

“It was rough for a while,” Mickey admitted.
“It was like hearing her talk to me five years after she’d gone…
but it’s better now,” she smiled.
Keep saying it and someday
you’ll believe it.

“You look wonderful,” Jennifer said. “I
can’t believe I’m saying that about one of these.” She made a face
as she tugged at the sleeve of Mickey’s habit.

Mickey laughed and caught Sister Anselma’s
eye. Beckoning her over, she introduced Jamie and Jennifer. “Sister
Anselma is in charge of the vestment room.”

Jennifer’s interest was piqued. “Really?
Could we… I mean, I don’t mean to impose, but I would love to see
some of your work.”

Sister Anselma smiled curiously. “Why is
that?”

“Well, I’m an assistant curator of cloth art
for a museum, and I’ve been studying Renaissance and medieval
ecclesiastical vestments, and I would love to see a modern example
of that type of work.”

Sister Anselma nodded. “We will need to ask
Mother’s permission first.”

Jennifer and Sister Anselma went to find
Mother Theodora. Mickey turned to Jamie. “Well?”

“Well, what?” he countered, but he was
turning red.

“You and Jennifer,” she said with mock
sternness. “You know exactly what I mean.”

He grinned and scratched the back of his
head. “We’ve stayed in touch since Christmas.” He looked seriously
at Mickey. “She’s really special, Mick, but if this is too weird
for you, we’ll stop.”

She looked into his earnest blue eyes. “Do
you love her?”

“I think it’s going in that direction.”

“Jamie,” she said, laying a hand on his arm,
“you and Jennifer are two of the people I love most in this world.
I would be thrilled if you fell in love.”

He let out the breath he had been holding.
“I was hoping you’d say that.”

A short while later, Jennifer and Sister
Anselma returned to the reception. Jennifer was gushing, “I can’t
believe I never knew you were here! Your work is exquisite! And the
techniques you use are just like it was done hundreds of years
ago.” Her face lit up as another thought occurred to her. “Would
you consider taking on some restoration work? It pays very well.”
She clapped a hand to her mouth. “Is it okay to talk to a nun about
money?”

Sister Anselma smiled again. “You would need
to discuss that with Mother Theodora.” She looked around and spied
Mother across the room. “She’s over there.”

“Come on,” Jamie said, taking Jennifer’s
elbow, “Let’s see if she’ll schedule a meeting.”

“She certainly is enthusiastic,” Sister
Anselma said to Mickey after they left. “Is she your brother’s
girlfriend?”

Mickey’s eyebrows went up. “Apparently she
is. She’s also Alice’s baby sister.” Sister Anselma looked at
Mickey in surprise, and then back over to Jennifer and Jamie.
“That’s almost exactly what Alice looked like when we met. The
resemblance between them is remarkable.”

“She’s beautiful,” Sister Anselma murmured,
studying Jennifer with greater curiosity. She turned to Mickey.
“Are you all right, being around such a strong reminder of
Alice?”

Mickey smiled. “I have to admit, the first
time she came to visit me, it was like seeing a ghost. It took me a
few minutes to collect myself.” She looked over at Sister Anselma.
Here, in the midst of the celebration, it seemed safe to talk. “How
are you?”

Sister Anselma looked down at the floor,
rather than at Mickey. “About as you’d expect. For over sixteen
years I’ve never doubted being here, never was unhappy, never
struggled with anything. Nothing feels the same anymore.”

Mickey didn’t know what to say, but Sister
Anselma seemed to sense her guilt. “This is not your fault,” she
insisted quietly.

Mickey nodded, but didn’t trust herself to
look at Sister Anselma again. Further conversation was cut off by
Jamie and Jennifer coming back over to say good-bye. Jennifer
promised Sister Anselma she would follow up on the restoration work
as Mickey walked them to the entrance.

Jamie paused and looked at Mickey. “What is
it?” he asked, placing a hand on her shoulder.

She knew better than to lie to him. Neither
of them could fool the other, and the truth always came out
eventually. Instead, “It’ll be okay,” she reassured him.

As she watched them drive away in her old
SUV, the realization struck that there were no more classes or
ceremonies to distract her. Now, there was only the daily life of
the abbey stretching out before her without interruption. For a few
seconds, Mickey almost ran down the drive after them, begging them
to take her with them. She got her panic under control.
Damn,
she thought, with another quick thought that she
really should stop swearing,
that was almost the shortest vows
on record.

Chapter 30

Mickey unlocked her front door, balancing her
Chinese take-out in one hand and carrying a large bundle of mail
under her arm as she let herself in. She tossed the mail on the
kitchen island and went to get something to drink. Opening the
refrigerator, she stared at the nearly empty interior. With a sigh,
she got a glass and filled it with cold water from the tap.