In Too Deep (20 page)

Thirty-Three

Jake’s lips were on my neck before my eyes had even opened. I wasn’t sure if I had ever been that tired. Sometimes what you think will be a power nap dooms you to feeling more tired than you were before you closed your eyes.

I lay still to see what he would do if he thought I was still sleeping. We were still in the same position we were when I passed out from exhaustion, just two hours before. He reached around and took the hair that had fallen over my face and softly tucked it behind my ear. His hand glided down over my neck so lightly. Goose bumps rose on every surface he touched. He must have seen them too because he tucked the blankets tighter around me and snuggled in closer.

I was enjoying the warmth of his body and the quiet of the apartment when his alarm went off. Wow. Seven o’clock was painful this morning. Had I slept downstairs, I could have gotten at least another hour of sleep because my exam wasn’t until ten. He, however, had his last architecture lecture at nine. Time with Jake had been ranking above sleep over the past couple weeks.

I rolled to my back which placed our lips within centimeters of each other’s. I squinted to see if he was awake. He was. He smiled. “Good morning, pretty.”

“Aw. Well, good morning, handsome.” My voice was hardly a whisper.

He brushed the rest of my hair from my forehead and laid his hand alongside my neck. Leaning in, he softly kissed my lips. He pulled back, and once again, his eyes asked for permission to take it a little further. I closed my eyes and lifted my lips to his. A fire burned on this February morning that would be hard to extinguish. Our kiss was deep and intentional, gentle but strong. His tongue pushed through my lips and encircled mine with an urgent gentleness. His mouth was warm as he tasted every part of mine. I had no trouble following his lead because I trusted him. My chest heaved with deep breaths, and I had to pull away a couple times to gasp for air before consuming him a little more.

His hand slowly slid from the side of my neck across my collarbone, to my shoulder. He squeezed a little as he slid his hand all the way down to my fingertips and clasped my hand firmly. This was hot. This was so hot. My mind flashed back to that morning after Noah’s confession. That morning I was giving myself permission to imagine what it must be like to make love with Jake, and five months later, I wouldn’t think twice about giving him permission to make love to me if that’s how far things went. Not long ago, I’d claimed to be a born-again virgin, but the way Jake made me feel, I wasn’t so sure I could hold out much longer.

Jake reached for the bottom of his sweatshirt I was still wearing and pulled it up over my head. There I was, naked from the waist up, and there he was, holding back the covers so he could see me. His eyes grazed over every inch of my stomach and breasts, and I felt beautiful. I felt clean.

I rolled over to my side so our skin would touch. He gasped as soon as I pressed my breasts against the muscles of his warm chest. I grabbed his head in both my hands and kissed him wildly as his hands roamed across my back and down to the waistband of my sweatpants. I would have let him slide them off of me right then and there, but I knew he was mindful of not rushing us into any situation we shouldn’t be in. He paused, then brought his hand to the back of my neck and returned my wild kiss with a very slow, very sultry, very soft kiss that brought a soft moan to the back of my throat. His morning stubble just made the whole scene more sultry.

He gently rolled me to my back and slid his body on top of mine. He framed my head with his hands as he rested on his elbows. His hands were in my hair and his stubble brought the blood to the surface of my skin. He brushed his lips from my neck to my lips and back to my neck again. Slinking my arms up under his, I splayed my hands out across his strong shirtless back. His body started to rock, and that’s when I felt his need for me growing between us. Slowly, I spread my legs so he could settle down in between them. I told myself it was so the pressure of my hip bone wasn’t hurting his man parts, but if I truly dissected my feelings, I would have to admit it was because there was an ache in my body that wanted him pressed tightly against it.

He found that spot instinctively and began to move. I moved in sync with him and it was like music. We were two different people singing the same song, and it was perfect harmony.

He kissed down my neck and my hands continued to feel every inch of his broad, muscular back. I was reeling. There were no clear thoughts in my head. I couldn’t have thought about anything else if I wanted to. All I could focus on was his touch and how the weight of him on top of me made me feel so safe.

He pushed up, straightening his arms and looked me in the eyes. “You okay?”

I kind of giggled and breathed out the word, “Yes.”

He stayed raised above me for a little longer. I watched his eyes as they took in every part of me that was exposed. I placed my hands on his chest and gently glided them across him. I watched his face as my hands roamed down his torso and toward his stomach. His eyes fluttered as if he was trying to keep them from rolling back into his head. The line of hair between his bellybutton and the waistband of his shorts called to me. When my hands touched low on his stomach, he gasped and his body shuddered. I picked up my head and looked at where my hands were touching and our foreheads met. This time, my eyes rose to his, and without words, asked his permission to touch him more intimately than I ever had. His eyes fluttered again and his breath hitched.

That was a yes.

I pushed his shorts down as far as I could reach with my hands and he wiggled the rest of the way out of them.

He was naked.

Incredibly, beautifully naked.

He hovered over me as I took him in both my hands and felt every inch of his need for me. His skin was so hot. He was ready.

He let his body fall to my right side, and his warm hand traced around each of my breasts and down and around my bellybutton. I couldn’t take my eyes off him. I had imagined him naked before and I knew it would be quite a sight, but I had no idea how beautiful his sinewy body truly was. His fingers gently tugged my panties down past my hips, and he rested his hand at the top of my thigh. Raising his leg, he hooked his foot around them and pulled them to my ankles. His hand swept from my thigh to the place I ached for him to touch the most. He sucked in a deep breath when he felt how much I truly wanted this.

“Oh, God…” His words came out in a long, hot exhale as he slid two fingers into me. My body clenched around him and he sucked in a quick breath and dropped his head to my shoulder.

The depth of what I was feeling physically was new territory to me. Deep ecstasy saturated me to my bones. Every cell of my body ignited with a fire that roared but was beautifully gentle at the same time. Our bodies heaved and rolled, but without crossing that final line that would seal the deal and make our relationship more intimate than it had ever been. Sweat rose to the surface of my skin as his naked body learned every square inch of mine. His hands were magnificent and his kisses reached a new level of unbridled passion. Some friends move to the next level and call it “benefits,” but what we were doing was so much more. So much deeper.

He raised his body over mine once more, his hands firmly planted by my shoulders. A tiny drop of sweat left the tip of his nose and landed in my hair. The trail it made to my scalp made my body shiver.

“Look at me.” His voice shook a bit as he spoke.

I lifted my eyes from my gaze at the space between us below the covers. I reached up and held each of his biceps in my hands as I savored every nuance of his beautiful nakedness. Sweat glistened on his chest. Then my eyes reached his.

“I want to make love to you.”

I caught myself mid-gasp. I stared into his gentle, beautiful blue eyes.

I breathed in a shaky breath, lifted my hips, and whispered, “Please.”

The second our two bodies became one was undoubtedly supernatural. There weren’t words for the level of sensation that surged through my body. We shook and writhed, our breathing spastic.

My mind could focus on nothing but what was happening second by second. I didn’t know if I made any noise or spoke, and I couldn’t say if he did either. But my body didn’t know what to do with the intensity of what we were sharing. We were making love—really making love. And that’s when I realized the profundity those two words held. This was a new first for me. A first for Jake and I. Jake would be the first to ever make love to me.

Suddenly our unbridled passion took a turn. As his rhythm inside me increased and intensified, I felt myself losing control. I opened my eyes and met his. Our soulful connection at that very moment would stay with me for the rest of my life. I cried out as the tension building began to unravel me from the inside out. His breathing became more rapid and his eyes squeezed shut but then opened again and locked on mine. A couple deep moans rolled from his parted lips, and we spiraled out of control into an earth-shattering climax. Simultaneously. Eye-to-eye. Soul-to-soul.

His movements slowed. My insides pulsed and flexed, reeling in the experience we had just shared. His arms gave out and he pressed me into the bed. He propped himself on his elbows by my head and used both hands to wipe my damp hair from my face. He kissed me deep and gentle, and he ended sweetly with three little pecks. He slid onto the bed next to me, rolled to his back, and threw his arm over his face as he tried to regain control of his breathing. Just as I worried he was afraid we went too far, he jolted up to his elbow, laid his right hand on my neck, and rubbed my jawline with his thumb.

“Wow.”

“Yeah, wow,” was all I could muster.

“You are so damn beautiful.”

I rolled toward him, took his face in my hands and sucked gently on his bottom lip “And so are you.”

We sunk into each other’s arms and fell back to sleep. I was late for my final, but I could have missed it and the “F” would have been worth the beauty I experienced in Jake’s bed that morning.

Thirty-Four

“So, now what?” Becki blurted out. It seemed as though one of them was always asking me that question.

Stacy was speechless, in shock after I told them about my morning. She, Becki, and I met for lunch downtown.

“Was he good? I always got the feeling he would be intense in bed. Maybe it’s his eyes, I don’t know, but please tell me he is good…” Becki was never too shy to ask anything. I loved that about her.

“Truly? I don’t have an answer for ‘now what?’ I don’t know. And I have no words for what he did to my body this morning. Honestly, Becki, trying to describe it would take something away that I’m not willing to give up.”

Becki and Stacy both slid their elbows across the table and caught their chins in their hands, sighed and spoke together, “Wow.”

“Yeah, wow.” I was still in awe.

We left Café Best and walked in the bright sunshine on an unseasonably warm winter day. I heard nothing of the conversation between the two of them. I think they tried to pull me in a couple of times, but after seeing my dazed look, they gave up.

Becki headed toward her dorm, and Stacy and I headed back home. We were quiet the entire way. Clearly, there were questions burning in her mind. If the tables were turned, I would be dying for details. But she was respecting the thought lines between my eyebrows. She knew I couldn’t make sense of what my heart was telling me now.

The elevator doors opened and simultaneously she pushed 3 and I pushed 4. She looked up at me kind of sideways. “So, are you going to move in now?” She smiled.

I knew she was kidding and that my answer wasn’t necessary, it was just her gentle way of letting me know she missed me without putting more pressure on me.

Outside Jake’s apartment door, I looked over at the windowsill where our crossing-the-line behavior started. I walked over and ran my hand along the sill where I had been sitting that night. We were both so drunk, but we both knew what our hearts were feeling. The alcohol had nothing to do with that kiss other than giving Jake enough nerve to ask for it. I remembered his hands on my legs and the tender way he kissed me that night. All of it seemed so surreal but so natural at the same time. It was Jake. It was me. Who knew our friendship would reach another level? I chuckled out loud. Everyone had been saying we were headed in that direction. Everyone except us.

“What’s so funny?” Jake’s head peered around the door.

“What are you doing?” I laughed when he asked because he looked like he was a dismembered head.

“One question at a time. Mine, what’s so funny?” He walked over to where I stood and leaned next to me against the wall. His body faced mine as I looked out the window, trying to clear my head enough to answer his question.

“I was just thinking how everyone predicted we would hook up while we were trying to convince them that we were just friends. And now look at us.” I looked down at my hands. I wasn’t sad. I was still reeling over the beautiful thing the two of us had shared that morning. Even still, I was confused.

“Yeah. That’s kind of funny. But what happened between us this morning was more than a hook up. You realize that, right? You know I wouldn’t…”

“Oh, I know, I know, you don’t have to explain. I guess I am just worried about how this blurs the lines. Because now what?” I sounded like Becki and Stacy.

“I don’t know.” He reached for my hips and turned my body toward him. His hand tilted my chin back and his eyes comforted me mirroring the genuine honesty of his words. He didn’t know what would come next but I trusted him to hold my heart gently.

“Me neither.” I closed my eyes.

“But I do know it was beautiful.” He wrapped his arms around me.

“Beautiful. Really beautiful, Jake.” I laid my head on his shoulder.

A tear rolled down my cheek and a small sob slipped out. Jake pulled me even closer. His strong hands rubbed my back and his soft voice calmed my soul. “
Shh
, don’t cry baby girl, we will figure this out. But, no matter what, nothing changes the fact that I love you and our friendship comes first. Always.”

“Always,” I repeated with a quiet sigh of relief because I couldn’t bear to lose Jake, too.

This was so different than being confused and crying in Noah’s room. The juxtaposition of these two polar-opposite men in my life was unexplainable. One man I couldn’t hold on to to save my life, and I knew one would save my life if I held on to him. But I didn’t deserve someone like Jake. He deserved so much more than what I could give him. When I looked in the mirror, I no longer saw the girl I used to be. I let Noah pull me this way and that way, then finally let him pull me apart, and he left behind only a fraction of who I once was. The carefree spirit I was once known for had been painfully scraped away. Jake deserved more than the shell of a girl I was. I didn’t recognize that girl. I was embarrassed by her.