Indelible Love - Emily's Story (51 page)

“No, I need to go pick up my car. I’ll
be OK.”

We got to her car and I hated the
thought of letting her go. Perhaps it was wishful thinking but as
tired as she looked, there seemed to be a part of her that was
comfortable with me—that liked being here with me.

“Jake?”

“Yes?” Subtlety not being my forte, I
answered her question too quickly.

“Would it be OK if we went to dinner
another time? I don’t think I can sit through a meal right
now.”

My heart performed a loop de loop in
response to what she said.

As casual as I could be, I answered,
“Sure.” But of course, much too quickly I added, “How about
tomorrow night?”

I saw her hold back a laugh. She
leaned over and gave me a light peck on the cheek. Like a schoolboy
kissed for the very first time, her lips sent me over the
moon.

“Thank you for all your help tonight.”
With that she hobbled out of the car. Frozen from her embrace, I
stupidly let her limp to her car. Running toward her, I encircled
my arms around her body and carried her off her feet. In turn, her
arms folded around my neck and momentarily, I hoped time could
stand still. Bodies close, face to face, I struggled not lock her
lips with mine. As I couldn’t help staring, she looked away
abashed.

“Were you planning on running away
without giving me your phone number?” I slowly let her go when her
body pushed away.

“Oh, I guess you need that, huh? I
have to warn you…I only have a cell phone and I’m not good about
answering it. I respond better to texts.” She proceeded to rummage
through her purse and jotted down ten digits onto a piece of
paper.

“Good night or morning.” She waved as
she closed her car and left the parking lot.

My eyes finally blinked long after her
car drove out of sight.

OLIVIA 2010

“Olivia!” Shocked would be an understatement
for what I felt right then watching Jamie approach me. “Oh my gosh!
What are you doing here? I mean, it’s great to see you again.” He
grabbed me, hugged me, and wouldn’t let go. I felt like I was
breathing again for the first time in many years. “God, I’ve missed
you,” he breathed, still holding onto me.

It had been a long and hard six years
without him. Last we saw each other, he asked me to leave his life
once and for all and never to contact him again. I choked at this
memory and worked to control thinking about that night. All those
times I needed him while raising Ollie. All those days I missed
being loved by him. I shook my head and rid myself of these
thoughts. After all, I should consider him no different than any
other acquaintance—except for the fact that Oliver bound us for
life.

My heart pained at his release. “Hello?”
Jamie waved his hand over my face. “Are you there?”

“Sorry. I’m surprised to see you again. How
are you? What brings you to New York and Central Park of all
places?”

“I was going to ask you the same thing. I’ve
been so stressed out with work. With it being tax season and all,
I’ve been running during my lunch breaks.”

“Are you here on business?”

“No. I live in Manhattan now. I moved a few
years ago.”

Here he was, in a neighboring state, and we
run into each other at the park of all places with Ollie just a few
steps away.

“What are you doing at a kiddie play area
and in New York of all places?”

“I live in Jersey. We moved here five years
ago.”

Jamie’s face looked like I just solved a
riddle for him. “So that’s where you went. I went looking for you
at your house after we last spoke and I couldn’t find you. Did you
come here to be near your mom?”

“Yes.” My voice struggled to find a
monotone. I wanted to hide my true feelings of love, desire and
yearning, even now, so many years later. “It was nice seeing you
again, Jamie, but I have to go.” I wanted to get away before he saw
Ollie. Though I wasn’t as anxious as I thought I would be, I wasn’t
ready for him to meet our son.

“Wait!” Do you have a number or an e-mail
address? Can I contact you?” There was some desperation in his
voice—maybe that was more my wishful thinking.

I probably gave a half smile wondering why
he wanted my info. He was happily married with at least a couple of
kids by now. His first child would be just a month or two younger
than our Ollie. I didn’t need to complicate his life with our
presence.

“I don’t think that would be a good idea. I
really have to go.” Walking away, my heart broke as he let me get
away from him again so easily. Deep down, I wanted him to beg me
for a number. It wasn’t right of me to desire a married man. My
pace hastened.

“Mommy,” Ollie called me over. “Can you push
me on the swing?”

“Sure. Let’s go.”

I picked up our son and plopped him on the
swing and pushed him gently.

“Mommy, that’s not high enough!” Ollie
yelled. “Higher…Faster!” he yelled even louder.

I did as I was told and my son’s cackles of
delight echoed through the park. I kept my head down not looking
back at where I was just a minute ago. He had most likely left.
There was no need to check. Jamie was not mine anymore. He had made
himself clear the last time we spoke.

“I’m hungry. Can we eat, Mommy?”

Slowing down the swing, I picked up Ollie
and left the sand area. “What shall we eat?”

“How about pizza?” My four-year-old could
eat pizza every day if I let him.

“Again?” I kissed his nose. “All right.
Let’s go eat pizza again for the third time this week.”

I looked up from Ollie’s smiling face and
nearly had a heart attack when I bumped into Jamie again.

“Hey,” he called hesitantly.

“Hey,” I called back.

“Who’s this?” Jamie asked both of us.

I had no idea how I was going to explain
Ollie to his father.

“I’m Oliver and I’m four, almost five. I was
thwee a long time ago.” My explanation wasn’t necessary. Our
loquacious four-year-old introduced himself to his daddy without
missing a beat.

“Hi, Oliver. I’m Jamie. What a great name.
My middle name is Oliver.”

Ollie stared at this stranger who should
have been his closest friend. “Who’s this, Mommy?”

I saw the surprised look in Jamie’s eyes. I
knew what he was thinking.

“Mommy?” Both Hutchison boys asked
simultaneously—one out of shock, one out of curiosity.

“He’s an old friend of Mommy’s. I knew him
when Dani and I used to live in Los Angeles.”

Ollie leaned over and whispered in my ear.
“Could he be my daddy? Is he the one?”

Tears formed unwillingly. Lately, Ollie had
been asking more frequently about his father. His father stood just
a step away and I couldn’t tell him the truth.

“Olivia, I thought you couldn’t have…Are you
married?”

Words halted, his eyes immediately darted to
my ring finger. What were the chances that he’d recognize this
antique gold band on my ring finger to be the one he gave me? It
was scratched up and worn through since I never took it off. Though
our relationship broke, the ring stayed on my finger to keep other
men from paying any attention to me…or so that was the reason I
gave myself and to those around me. Painfully I had to acknowledge
now that I wore this ring as a constant reminder of what I once had
with Jamie.

“I’m hungry, Mommy.”

“Ok, sweetheart. We’ll go now.” I stepped
around Jamie without answering his question. “Good seeing you,” I
said walking away.

“Wait, can I join you?”

Before I could answer no, Ollie spoke for me
again. “Sure, Mr.…What do I call him, Mommy?”

“My name is Jamie Oliver Hutchison. You can
call me Jamie.”

“Hey, that’s my name!” My heart skipped
several beats. Ollie knew that his last name was Hutchison but I
had told my son many times he could never tell anyone this
information. He usually told people his name was Oliver Maize.

“I told you we had the same Oliver name.”
Jamie put out his hands ready to shake Ollie’s. Instead, Ollie gave
him a high-five. “Where are we going for lunch?”

“We’re having pizza!” Ollie shouted into the
air and ran off ahead of us.

“What happened? I mean, how did Oliver
happen? Didn’t the doctor tell us you couldn’t have kids? Isn’t
that why we had to break up? And when did you get married?” Jamie
sounded anxious for an explanation. I wanted to tell him that it
wasn’t me who ultimately broke off the relationship. It was him who
didn’t want to see me anymore. He chose having kids and living a
life with Melinda, his ex-girlfriend, over me.

More than anything I wanted to tell him the
truth about Oliver but disrupting his idyllic life would be
selfish.

“Ollie’s adopted.” The words just popped out
of my mouth. Why had I said this? What a mistake.

“Huh? That doesn’t make sense. Why? How
random. Ollie seems wonderful, but you never mentioned wanting to
adopt. What happened?” He sounded frustrated now.

“I wasn’t looking for Ollie. He came looking
for me. It’s a long story, Jamie. Maybe one day when we’re in a
different place I’ll explain it to you.”

Dumbfounded. That’s how Jamie appeared.

“Liv, he looks just like you. And, where did
the name Oliver come from?”

I chuckled at the inside joke. Only if you
could see that your son is a mirror image of you. From the day he
was born, I understood I would never forget your face.

“I guess we’ve lived together long enough to
start looking alike,” I answered with a slight laugh. “As for his
name…he came with the name.” I was on a roll with these lies.

Jamie looked to be buying every
misinformation. We stopped talking as we sat in a booth with pizza
in hand.

“Ollie, what’s your favorite food?”

“Pizza.”

“What about your favorite toy?”

“Firetwucks,” he answered with his mouth
full.

“Are you in school yet?”

“I’m going to start kindergarten soon, Mommy
says. Right, Mommy?”

“Yes, sweetheart,” I answered wiping down
his mouth.

“Any favorite places you like to visit?”

“The zoo—that’s my favorite place in the
whole wide world. I like sleeping in my mommy’s bed a lot too.
That’s my favorite place but I can only do that on special days,
Mommy says.”

Jamie and Ollie looked smitten with one
another. Blood was thicker than water.

“I used to love the zoo when I was little.
That was my favorite place, too. Maybe we can visit the zoo in
Central Park? Would you want to do that with me, Ollie?”

Our son looked up at me with expectant eyes.
He wanted to go but didn’t know if I’d let him. My silence kept
Ollie quiet as well.

“Oliver, if you are almost five, when is
your birthday?”

“Tomowow.”

“Tomorrow? Happy birthday. I’ll have to get
you a present. What would you like?”

“To see my daddy. Mommy says I’ll see him
one day. I hope it’s tomowow.”

Ollie’s request left us both speechless. I
pulled our son from his chair and brought him onto my lap.

Hugging him, I reassured, “Ollie, your daddy
is missing you too. You will see him soon. If you’re done, let’s
say thank you to Mr. Hutchison and go home. It’s time for a
nap.”

“Thank you, Mr. Hutchison.” He yawned and
was ready for a long nap. I picked him up and carried him out the
door.

“Thanks for lunch, Jamie.” Without saying
much else, I walked toward the subway. I felt Jamie walk behind us
but neither of us uttered a sound. As I shifted Ollie’s drowsy body
Jamie came up from behind and carried our child to the subway.
Silently we waited for the train to approach.

“Olivia, can we go somewhere and talk? I
have so many questions for you. Like…where you’ve been the last six
years. Why you’ve never tried to contact me. Did our relationship
mean so little to you that you could abandon it after one argument?
And, where’s your husband? Did you two separate?”

“You told me never to call you again,” I
whispered.

“I was mad,” he answered, frustrated. “You
left behind a terse message saying you were giving me time to think
through our relationship, before flying off early to Africa. Then
you went AWOL on me for two months. Not one e-mail, call,
letter—not one word—for two whole months. What did you expect?” Now
he was angry.

“I came back and told you why I did that and
how sorry I was. You were the one who said you couldn’t forgive
me.”

“I’m sorry. I was an idiot. I couldn’t see
past the anger for a long time. Once I did, I came back looking for
you but I couldn’t find you again.”

“It doesn’t matter now,” I responded with
deep sadness. He was married and he thought I was married as
well.