Indiscretion (40 page)

Alexandra returned to bed and snuggled into the warmth of her bedclothes. She cast a quick glance at the clock on the bedside table: it wasn't yet eight. The noise of which she'd been aware earlier had stopped. She wasn't sure how long she lay there, her thoughts floating in that state between sleep and wakefulness, when the mind confuses wonderland with reality and gives our fantasies a semblance of truth, yet it seemed only a few minutes later that somewhere a door banged and the rattling sound of a horse and carriage drifted up to her. In her drowsy state, she couldn't tell whether it was heading for the coach house or leaving El Pavón.

‘Salvador,' she whispered. But what would he be doing at this early hour? Perhaps it wasn't Salvador but Fernando Lopez off on estate business. She recalled her cousin's lean profile and the bitter twist of his mouth the night before. What had her grandmother said as she wished her goodnight? Something to do with the heart of an unhappy man … Well, Salvador's fate was in his own hands. Anyway, what did it matter now? It seemed she was powerless with regard to him and, that being the case, she should simply look after herself. In daylight, everything became simple and ordinary again.

The sound of a light swish of skirts forced her eyes open. Agustina was standing there with a tray in her hands. Alexandra blinked, surprised. She wasn't accustomed to being served breakfast in her room.

‘The house is all topsy-turvy this morning,' said the
duenna
in answer to Alexandra's raised eyebrows. ‘I thought you might prefer to have breakfast in your room, instead of getting yourself involved in the uproar.'

‘What's the matter?' enquired Alexandra, alarmed by the housekeeper's expression.

‘She's finally flown the nest, gone. She couldn't put up with the lie any more,' Agustina announced gravely. Then, delighting in pushing the suspense to the limit, she added dramatically, ‘What love is to the heart, so freedom is to the soul. You can't keep it prisoner, even in a golden cage.'

Alexandra raised herself up on the pillows. There was no doubt that the residents of El Pavón delighted in speaking in riddles, and pompous ones at that. Her whole conversation with her grandmother the night before had been strewn with strange sayings about fire, the devil, and monks being unable to get a donkey to bray. Now, the old servant was mumbling yet another proverb. It was far too early in the morning for such nonsense.

‘For heaven's sake, Agustina,' she said brusquely, rubbing her eyes. ‘Please get to the point. I don't understand a word of what you're saying.'

‘I am talking about Doña Esmeralda,' Agustina explained, a little huffily.

‘Well …?' prompted Alexandra who, by now, was beginning to guess what would follow.

Agustina set the tray down in front of her. ‘She's eloped with the man she loves. Your grandmother is beside herself. In all my years in service at this house, I've never seen her so distraught. Even when your father married your poor mother she didn't take it this badly. She's made herself ill and Don Salvador had to call the doctor to prescribe a sedative. Now he's gone to the ranch in the hope of finding the lovers there.' Agustina shook her head. ‘Going off with the hired help, even if he's from an honest family, is not what well bred
señoritas
do.'

Alexandra pushed the tray away sharply and leapt out of bed. ‘Poor
Abuela
, I was the one to upset her last night and now this. I'd better go to her.'

Agustina watched her inscrutably for a moment and then left the room. Alexandra washed and dressed hastily, leaving her breakfast untouched. She was pleased for her cousin and almost envied her. How must it feel to have a man show such devotion that he would flout convention and risk a life of uncertainty for the sake of love? Perhaps it was not so foolish to be romantic after all. Esmeralda was finally free to follow her heart, free of El Pavón. Another disappointment for her grandmother.

Alexandra slipped into her shoes and hastened along the corridor. She was determined to do her best to reassure the
Duquesa
. Perhaps she could at least try to convince her to forgive Esmeralda's decision, even if she couldn't find it in her heart to accept such apparently indiscreet behaviour right now. She ran down the great marble staircase but before she could reach her grandmother's apartments, she found her way blocked by the horsy figure of Doña Eugenia.

‘Good morning, my dear. Where are you going in such a hurry?' Her stepmother, eyes narrowed, looked like a poisonous salamander guarding its eggs. ‘If it's to see Doña María Dolores,' she added, without waiting for Alexandra's reply, ‘I'm afraid you're out of luck. The doctor has given strict instructions she mustn't be disturbed under any circumstances. Anyhow, I would have thought that after your little jaunt yesterday, you'd have the good sense, if not the decency, to keep out of sight for a while.'

‘I was coming to—'

‘The reason your grandmother has taken Esmeralda's elopement so hard,' Doña Eugenia cut in sharply, ‘is because she was already deeply distressed by your scandalous behaviour yesterday. She knows now, as I've always done, that you could never fit in here. And I'm quite certain she wouldn't welcome a visit from you.'

‘Let me be the judge of that,' retorted Alexandra, trying her best not to get upset.

‘You've done enough harm already, and I won't let you make matters worse …' Doña Eugenia leaned in and lowered her voice. ‘Do you think I'm not aware of the plans that are going on in your scheming head? That I don't see through your manipulation of your grandmother? The saying “
Como la madre como hija
, like mother, like daughter” has never been so true.' Her eyes were ice. ‘Get out! Take your intrigues and leave before your true personality becomes clear to everyone and your disloyalty damages this family for good.'

There was something in Doña Eugenia's calm and cold delivery that made her venomous words more hurtful than had they been shouted furiously. Alexandra clenched her fists. ‘I don't need to
explain myself to anyone, least of all you,' she managed to say in a trembling voice. ‘You vile, hateful woman!'

With as much dignity as she could muster, Alexandra turned and stalked off down the corridor, almost colliding with Salvador, who was approaching in the opposite direction. He made to grab her by the arm, and threw her a questioning look, but Alexandra rushed past him and out of the house, her face burning, trying to hold back the tears of frustration.

Still running, she crossed the lawn and dived into the shadowy avenue of willows that bordered the irrigation canal. She stopped at last, out of breath, her cheeks crimson. Humiliation in the face of the completely unfounded but damning insinuations of her stepmother suddenly gave way to hatred. She was surprised by the violence of her resentment, which raged like an angry beast within her breast.

Alexandra sat down on the fallen trunk of an ancient willow on the bank of the canal, brushing aside a few wisps of hair that had slipped across her face. The serenity of the spot had something mystical about it, almost bewitching, and had a calming effect on her. Here, silence was king; there was not a sound, just the hush of the shadows. Alexandra picked up a few pebbles and tossed them into the canal, each one making multi-coloured ripples, like fleeting rainbows in the stagnant waters.

A mockingbird flew out of the undergrowth with a shrill screech, disturbing the peace. The beat of its wings startled her. A breeze brushed her cheek lightly and further rippled the surface of the water. With a faint sigh it swept through the weeping willows as though to share a secret with her, its confused whisper like the rustling of silk.

Alexandra passed a hand over her throbbing forehead. It felt as if a steel vice were squeezing her temples. A strange sadness swept over her. The intense loathing she had experienced towards Doña Eugenia a moment before gradually gave way to a feeling of total helplessness and desolation.

When she had first arrived at El Pavón, she had hoped to find in its residents the welcoming, caring and loving family that she had lacked
in childhood and which her heart, hungry for affection, had yearned for all those past years. Instead, most of the family had been condescending or downright spiteful towards her; some had even been openly hostile. Her own father had often treated her as a stranger. His reaction to her distress the previous day seemed proof enough that his love for her was only skin deep, their relationship not the one she had hoped for. Only Ramón had offered his friendship spontaneously.

Doña María Dolores, true enough, had welcomed her into her home as a privileged member of the family. She had been attentive and interested in her granddaughter, had given without apparently expecting anything in return. However, now Alexandra could not avoid noting with cynicism the old woman's ulterior motives: the
Duquesa
, disillusioned with other members of her family, had turned to Alexandra in the hope that she would take on the tiller of the sinking ship. Her grandmother had spent the best part of her youth caring for the family and El Pavón. If no one were able to take over, then all the years of fighting, all the sacrifices, would have been for nothing. What a waste that must seem. Salvador was quite able to take on the job but he needed someone to shoulder the responsibility with him.

At that moment, Alexandra could see through her grandmother's eyes and all the things she was trying to achieve. Her granddaughter had been her hope and genuine comfort. Was that such a terrible thing?

I've disappointed her, too
, she thought bitterly.
I'm no better than the others
.

Alexandra must have been sitting there for the good part of an hour when she caught sight of Salvador coming along the path. His leg couldn't have pained him much since he was now walking quite briskly. His head was bent, but as he reached the canal, he raised his gaze, as if by instinct. Had he noticed her? Alexandra's heart missed a beat as his eyes locked on to hers and he made his way towards her. Her first impulse was to run away — anywhere — to escape him.
Yet she remained rooted to the spot as if mesmerized by some invisible spell. Her heart was racing so hard that she was afraid he would hear its uncontrollable beat.

‘Good morning …' His voice was unexpectedly friendly as he approached. ‘I didn't know you liked this spot.'

Alexandra attempted a smile. ‘I came here by chance,' she replied softly, her senses trained to be wary at his every change of demeanour. They remained silent a while. He stood beside her, and once again she inwardly cursed as her eyes couldn't help but wander surreptitiously over his lean, sharply defined profile, his high forehead, and determined jaw. She noticed, with a slight jolt, the livid gash across his cheek. In daylight, the wound appeared much worse than the previous evening and she felt a pang of remorse.

Salvador bent down and picked up a pebble. Absentmindedly he turned it over in his hand before tossing it casually into the water. He remained motionless for a time, staring at an invisible point beyond the undergrowth, deep in thought — stern, haughty and aloof. Then he lit a cigarette. His hand trembled imperceptibly as he drew deeply on it and contemplated the glowing tip.

‘I think I owe you an apology for the way I behaved yesterday,' he said roughly, his eyes narrowing a little. ‘I was angry. I acted on impulse and mishandled the situation,' he went on, in a voice barely discernible, as if talking to himself. Then, raising his tone slightly, he added: ‘Can you forgive me?'

Turning to her now, she saw that the hard expression that had distorted his features the night before had softened. Salvador seemed strained and tired as he searched Alexandra's face. His eyes had lost their metallic coldness, and the tenderness in them set her heart beating faster.

Though used to his sudden changes in behaviour, she was not accustomed to such humility on the part of her cousin and it unsettled her. Alexandra shrugged her shoulders, feigning indifference in her confusion. ‘What does it matter anyway?' she said, trailing her fingertip along the bark of the willow trunk next to her.

She noticed the dark rings deepening under his eyes. His expression looked nothing if not wretched. He shook his head and sighed, almost defeated: ‘Alexandra, why do you so stubbornly refuse to understand me?'

‘I don't
refuse
to understand you,' she scoffed. ‘I just find it impossible to do so!'

Salvador gave a short, bitter laugh. ‘Will you believe me when I tell you that I act always in your best interests?'

She stood up and tossed her head defiantly.‘Not really.Why should I?' she asked harshly, looking him in the eye before turning away.

Ignoring her scornful words, he went on: ‘Don't you trust me?'

Alexandra hesitated and gazed round at him. He had moved away now, averting his gaze, and seemed to have once more withdrawn into his shell. Her anger was bubbling up again, but feeling him slipping away, she instinctively wanted to pull him back to her: this time there was something different about him.

‘I don't know,' she admitted in earnest, hugging herself. ‘I don't know what to believe when it comes to you, Salvador.'

A long silence followed. ‘You're right,' he murmured at last, sadly. ‘Yet if you'd listened to me, if you'd left when I'd asked you to the first time, all this wouldn't have happened. Do you remember that first night on the terrace, Alexandra?'

How could she forget? Memories of that faraway evening at the masked ball came tumbling back with a freshness and clarity that made her limbs weak, consuming her entirely as though all strength had drained from her. She could actually feel his burning lips on hers with a vividness that made her almost dizzy. Was he playing with her again, pushing her to the limits in the way only he knew how? No one but this man could make her feel such anger, desire and despair all at once.