Inevitable (29 page)

“
Maddie!” she mock-scolded and then let out a frustrated
growl type noise. “Oh, I don’t know. It just feels… scary as hell.
I don’t know what to do.”

“
You don’t need to do anything
. Just spend time together – the rest will
just… happen.”

Unexpectedly a
light bulb sprang to life in my head.

“
Has Michelle got anything to do with the fact Sky’s stopped
being such a bitch to you?” Lori bit her lip. It was as if she was
recalling some wonderful memory.

“
Kind of. Remember that day in the cafeteria when she had Sky
in a headlock?”

“
Are you kidding? That was one of the best sights of my
life!”

“
Yeah, well, as you know Michelle is totally loud and proud
about her…
sexuality…
” Lori whispered the word like it was dirty. She was
obviously still uncomfortable with the idea. “Well, Sky made the
mistake of offering Michelle some of her famous
‘advice’.”

“
What like the ‘be my slave and I’ll keep your secret’ kind of
advice?” Lori giggled again.

“
Yeah. Only Michelle hasn’t got a secret of course. She
doesn’t care who knows. And well…
as you saw, she has a very effective way
of making her feelings known. I really admire her,” she said with a
sigh.

“
You’ll get there, Lori,” I said because I couldn’t think of
anything
else. Lori didn’t see herself as brave but I could see the
bravest step of her life was fast approaching. Even though they
didn’t know each other too well (yet) Michelle had sparked a huge
change in Lori.

“
Maybe,” she sighed again, shrugging. “Anyway, even though
their little ‘run in’ wasn’t directly about me, I think it shit Sky
up enough to rethink some of her behaviour.” I nodded and I
realised I hadn’t thought about Blaine for at least five minutes. I
felt both happy and guilty about that.

“
So you really haven’t heard from him?” She didn’t need to
say
his
name for me to know who she was referring to.

“
Not a thing. I’m so worried about him.” Jesus Christ I was
seconds away from crying. Again.

“
Well I’m sorry, Maddie, but he’s being a total prick. I
understand he’s got real bad shit going down at home but the way
he’s treating you… it’s just not on.”

Tears stung
the back of my eyes so I closed them to stop them escaping.

“
Can we go now?” I asked sorrowfully. My heart felt as heavy as
a lump of lead. It made me feel physically sick as it slowly sank
down into my stomach.

“
Sure,” Lori said with a sympathetic smile. Then she patted my
knee reassuringly and drove me home.

After waving
her off I threw my bag down on the sofa and peered into my mum’s
room. She was sound asleep so I went to my bedroom and crawled into
bed fully clothed. Then I buried my head in a pillow and cried
myself into a restless sleep.

Maddie

I
was
getting used to the swollen-eyes feeling. It had been a week since
Blaine may or may not have broken up with me. I still wasn’t
entirely sure seeing as he refused to speak to me. I became so
desperate I even called Treacle for advice. I thought maybe since
she and Blaine had some kind of weird bond thing going on these
days she might know what the hell was going on, or at least tell me
he was okay.

I ended up hanging up on her when she spouted some shit
about him being a teenage boy and that’s just what teenage boys
did.
That
wasn’t Blaine though. Not anymore.

School was…
difficult. I saw Blaine everyday – mainly the back of his head
seeing as he tended to turn in the other direction whenever he laid
eyes on me. Part of me wishes I’d just catch him screwing some girl
in the back of his car. It would be so much easier to hate him that
way. What I’m feeling at the minute, this worry, this gut wrenching
worry… it breaks my heart.

But I never saw him with anyone. Not even Jason. He was
always alone…
lost. I wondered why he even bothered still coming to
school. Part of me wished he’d stop. It would be easier if I didn’t
have to see him, surely? He looked older every day. His designer
stubble gradually turning into a full on beard – the type I’d only
ever seen on guys twice his age. His eyes were sunken, his skin
greying. He looked utterly broken and I ached to fix
him.

Another week
went by when I decided to call Jason. I would never be able to give
up on Blaine as such – if he ever needed me I would be there like a
shot. But I couldn’t carry on how I was. Calling him several times
a day. Leaving him messages and texts or trying to approach him at
school just for him to turn his back on me. Crying myself to sleep
every night… crying myself awake every morning.

I needed to
accept things for what they were. Blaine didn’t want me, and I
might never know why.

I was greeted
by Jason’s voicemail.

“
Hey, it’s Jase. I’m ignoring someone right now… if I don’t
call you back, it’s probably you.”

I swallowed the lump in my throat,
not knowing what the hell I was
planning to say.

“
Hi, it’s, um, Maddie. I-I… well, I… ah fuck I don’t even know
why I’m calling. I guess I just wanted to ask you to, you know,
keep an eye on Blaine? But now I’ve said that I realise how
ridiculous it sounds. You’re his best friend – course you’re
looking out for him. I suppose I just don’t like to think of him
being alone. I get he doesn’t need me anymore, I just want to make
sure he’s got… someone. Right well I’m gonna go before I make an
even bigger arse of myself. Sorry for bothering you. Catch you
later.”

I regretted making the call the second I hung up. If Blaine
had just got bored and moved on, if we had just experienced some
everyday high school breakup, then I’d just made a complete
desperate dickhead of myself. I knew that wasn’t the case though. I
just
knew
.
Something had happened to him. Something bad. If it hadn’t then it
meant I didn’t really know Blaine at all, even though not so long
ago I was sure I knew him better than anybody.

I could
feel tears welling behind my eyes as I thought about him.
Immediately I stood up and busied myself with the ever-growing pile
of washing at the foot of my bed to distract myself. I was starting
afresh today. I would not cry again. I couldn’t.

Besides, I had
to get rid of these bog-eyes before my birthday party tomorrow.

Shit.

Blaine

I
feel numb. Fuck, who am I kidding, I wish to god I
could
feel numb. I wish I
couldn’t feel. I wish I couldn’t think. I wish… hell I wish I was
dead.

Maddie hadn’t
tried to call for over twenty-four hours. She’d
finally given up. Or at least I hoped she had, for
her
sake. I hoped
nothing was wrong, that she was okay. I shook that thought away
immediately. It wasn’t my place to worry about her anymore. She
wasn’t mine. I’d yet to officially tell her that of course. I
planned to, every minute of every day but I couldn’t bring myself
to actually do it. If I said the words there’d be no going back.
I’d have lost her. Forever.

Then
again I’d already lost her. I’d pushed her away. That was the right
thing to do though. I had to stop myself hoping it was a temporary
thing. It wasn’t. I couldn’t be with her. If she knew why… No. She
could never know why. I couldn’t bear the thought of her knowing
how weak I was… what I’d let him do. I was worthless, pathetic… she
deserved better.

I was pretty sure enough time had passed where I wouldn’t
actually need to tell her anything – break up with her officially.
She’d stopped calling – she’d got the message. She probably hated
me by now. And despite the heavy feeling in my chest that thought
gave me, it was a good thing. It would be easier for her to move on
if she hated me. I found myself hoping she wouldn’t move on
though.
Selfish bastard.
What the hell did I want then? To see her lonely
and miserable while she pined for me?

Yes. That’s
exactly what I wanted to see.

When I
got to school I hung around between the oak trees guarding the art
building until I saw Lori’s car pull up. I did this everyday just
to make sure Maddie got to school okay and to see if her big brown
eyes had lost their puffiness. I knew I shouldn’t do it, didn’t
have the right. I needed to stop it. And I will… maybe.

Lori stepped out of the Mini and
then… clicked the doors locked?
Maddie wasn’t with her. My hand automatically made its way to my
chest when my heart started hammering against it as if it were
trying to escape. Where was she? Had something happened? Was she
hurt? Was her mom sick again?

“
I need to talk to you, man,” Jason said, sneaking up behind me
and startling the shit out of me.

“
Fuck, dude, I think I just prolapsed.” It took me a couple
of seconds to get my breath back. “Don’t creep up on me like
that!”

“
I didn’t creep anywhere. Maybe if you weren’t so fixated on
Dora’s arrival you’d have heard me coming.”

“
Get fucked.”

“
What the hell’s going on, man? Why don’t you just talk to
her?”

“
I’ve nothing to say.”

“
Bullshit! Look at you… you’ve had a face that looks like
you walked in on your grandpa ass-fuckin’ your puppy for two weeks
now. What gives, man? What the hell has she done?”

“
She’s done nothing!” I snapped, fighting against the urge
to punch his fucking lights out. “It’s me, okay? I… oh just fuck
off, Jase. It’s none of your god damn business.”

“
Shit, man… you cheated on her didn’t you?”

I seriously
thought about saying yes. If Maddie got wind of that, she would
definitely hate me enough to move on. But then I pictured her face
when she heard the gossip and…

“
No. Of course I didn’t cheat on her you stupid dick. I fucking
love her!”

Shit.
The words slid past my lips without permission.

“
Then what the hell? I don’t get it, man. What are you not
telling me?”

“
I really need you to fuck off right now, bro.” As I said it my
hands were balling into fists. I needed to hit something… anything.
I didn’t want it to be Jason’s face but if he didn’t shut the fuck
up…

“
She called me this morning.”

My heart
literally stopped beating.

“
What! Why? Is she okay? What did you say to her?” I knew
it. Something bad had happened. Why else would she call Jason? They
hardly knew each other.

“
Of course she’s not okay, man. She’s fucking broken. She
got my mailbox so I didn’t actually talk to her, but she’s worried
about you. I don’t know what the hell is going down with you but
she asked me to keep an eye on you. Said she didn’t want you to be
alone.”

No, no, no. She wasn’t supposed to worry. Not about
me.
Why the hell didn’t
she hate me? I’ve treated her like shit!

“
You gonna call her back?” I asked.

“
Hell no! I ain’t got the faintest idea how to deal with
emotional chicks. Besides, it’s
you
she needs. And I’ll be damned if you don’t need
her too. You need to sort your shit out, man. Either talk to her
and sort whatever crap you’ve got going on out or move the fuck on.
I’m sure Keeya would be happy to help you out with
that.”

“
I’m not interested in Keeya for fuck’s sake.”

“
Exactly. We both know you’re only interested in Dora so why
the hell don’t you stop doing this to yourself… to her
too.”

I shot Jason a
glare which I hoped conveyed what I was thinking. Something along
the lines of ‘you need to leave now if you value your nose’.

“
Fine,” he muttered, surrendering his hands. Then he stalked
off towards the science block.

Still feeling
the need to punch something, I rammed my fist into the tree beside
me.

“
Fuck!” I yelped, shaking off the droplets of blood bubbling on
my knuckles. I noticed that the pain in my hand was a welcome
distraction from the pain in my chest – so I did it
again.

What I
did next I’d been wishing I had the balls to do for the last two
weeks. I got back in my car and drove away – fuck the consequences.
Seeing Maddie everyday had been both heaven and hell. I imagined
life would’ve been easier if I could just skip school and not have
to see her beautiful, troubled face round every corner.

Skipping school had always resulted in an instant strike.
Of course a strike was something I would have taken willingly if it
meant I didn’t have to have my heart shredded by the sight of her
on an almost hourly basis.
But it seemed the days where the twisted fuck was
content with just ripping holes in my flesh were long gone.
Now…

I was pulling
back up in the school parking lot before I’d even finished my train
of thought. I couldn’t risk skipping school. He’d find out. He
always did. See? Weak and pathetic.