Infinite Ties (All That Remains #3) (13 page)

Her forehead is cool against my lips. “Not
crazy, sweetheart. Depressed.”

“It’s not me anymore.”

“We know, baby.”

“He’s not going to stop until you hate
me.”

“Never going to happen,” Joseph says,
wrapping an arm around her waist.

“I’ll be dealing with Jon, Abigail. Don’t
worry.” He’s going to end up rotting in the woods if he doesn’t stop fucking
with her. The only thing that’s stopped me is the fact that he’s Carson’s dad.

“Please don’t. You’ll just make things
worse.”

“We’ll figure it out, darlin’. Get some
sleep.”

* * * *

A bitter self righteous laugh makes me
cringe. “Been waiting for me, haven’t you? Fuckin dirty little brat. Quit
fighting. You love it. Hard as a goddamn rock.” The sour smell of old whiskey,
sweat, and cigarettes turns my stomach. His fingers are in me. I can’t stop
him. I can’t stop it. “Soon, I’m going to give you my cock, and you’ll love it
too. Make you come harder than this.”

Craig’s dark hair lightens to blond, his
face thins, morphing into Joseph’s concerned stare. “Wake up, you’re dreaming.”
Joseph’s fingers run down my bare chest.

“Get off me!” My stomach churns,
threatening to erupt. I can still smell him on me and I barely make it outside
before the remains of my dinner hit the ground. Fuck. Abby stands at the door,
and Joseph approaches me as I remain bent over, hands on my knees, waiting to
see if my stomach is done heaving. The night air cools my sweat soaked body,
raising goose bumps on my skin.

“Airen, what is it? What were you
dreaming?” Joseph asks, reaching for me.

“Don’t touch me.” I see the hurt flash in
his eyes, but I’m not really here. Not really seeing him. I’m ten years old
again. A filthy boy drowning in shame. Scenes repeat in my head, a highlight
reel of humiliation and pain. Motel rooms and backstage hideaways, dressing
rooms and limousines. Oh God, if they knew. If Abby knew. My stomach flips
again before slowly righting itself. I have to get out of here. Jerking away
from Joseph, I dart past Abby into the RV. They follow me inside, watching me
cautiously as I dress.

“Air, slow down. You don’t have to talk
about it. Just sit down.” She hands me a cold bottle of water while I gargle
mouthwash to kill the taste of vomit.

“I have to get some air.” Without giving
them a chance to respond, I’m out the door, jogging toward the pond.

The water shimmers in the moonlight,
reflecting a mass of stars sprayed across the night sky. Tonight, they hold no
magic or beauty. Each pinpoint of light a desolate lonely crystal. Glazed
chunks of ice as large as the one that’s settled in my stomach. I can’t do this
anymore. I was wrong to ever think I could be with a man after
him
.
After he showed me what I was.

What kind of sick kid likes an old man’s
skinny yellowed fingers in his ass? It made me sick, I didn’t want him to touch
me. Didn’t want him near me. I wanted to tell someone, make it stop before he followed
through with his promise to fuck me. His response to my threat to expose him
still covers me in a blanket of shame.

“Are you going to tell your mom? Tell her
how you came all over my hand? How you always come? Why are you hard right now?
Because you want it. You can’t get enough. You tell I tell, and who do you
think the world will believe?”

He was a well known talent manager, and I
was a middle class brat with only my looks going for me. My mom had given up
everything to give me this opportunity, and if she found out what I’d done with
it, done with him…

A soft blanket lands on my shoulders and
the smell of coconut chases away the smell of him. Abby sits beside me in the grass,
sliding her arm beneath mine and leaning her head on my shoulder. She doesn’t
ask questions or press me to talk, only holds my arm and stares into the
quickly approaching dawn. It’s such a comfort, having her close, but the
thought of her learning what happened to me, or worse, how I didn’t fight it,
fills me with terror.

I know what I have to do and she’s going
to be so pissed, but it’s Joseph I’m really worried about. He’s going to hate
me. “I can’t do this anymore, darlin’.”

Warm arms slip around my middle and I pull
her blanket up over her shoulders. “Do what?”

“This relationship…Joseph…I can’t.”

She gasps as if she’s been punched in the
stomach. “Are you breaking up with me?” she whispers, pulling away. Oh Fuck. I
should’ve worded that better. Terrified eyes, dark in the pre-dawn gloom gaze
into mine as I cup her face in my hands.

“No. Never, Abigail. Do you hear me? I’m
sorry if I made you think that for even a second.”

“Then I don’t understand. You don’t want
Joseph in the relationship? Are you…do you not like him being with me?”

She thinks I’m jealous, that I want her
all to myself. “No, darlin’. Joseph loves you, and you two are good for each
other, but I can’t be with him anymore. Your relationship with him won’t
change, I promise. You’ll still be his girl, and my wife.”

“You don’t mean it. You’re upset, whatever
that nightmare was about…”

“Doesn’t matter,” I interject.

“The fuck it doesn’t!” Joseph exclaims, stepping
up from behind us. “If you’re dumping me, I’m at least owed an explanation.”

Shit. This isn’t how I wanted to do this.
“Joey, I’m sorry. I am. But I can’t…can’t be with you like this.”

“You don’t love me?”

“You know I do, but I…shouldn’t. I’m
not…it’s not for the right reasons. I’m fucked up.” I don’t know what to say. I
can’t tell him the truth.
Sorry, Joey, but every time you touch me, I see
his face. The man who showed me I was nasty on the inside, no matter how I
looked. That a box of sewage wrapped in golden ribbons is still filth.
Right or wrong, I love this man, and I won’t hurt him any more than I have to.

Joseph kneels in front of us. “Airen, just
tell me what’s messing with your head. You can’t just end it. You’re freaking
out from a nightmare, I get it, but you’ll feel different when you’ve had some
time…”

“I won’t. I’m sorry. When we get home
we’ll alternate nights with Abby,” I assure him, squeezing her hand. I don’t
want him to think he’s losing her as well.

Joseph’s face falls, the realization I’m
serious settling in. “I’ve heard you talking in your sleep. I know someone hurt
you. It doesn’t change how I feel about you. We can work through it. Please,
just talk to me.”

Oh, I want to say yes, but I can’t. I
thought I was past all this. I was doing fine. Now suddenly, the thought of
Joseph kissing me, touching me, just brings back all the shame. Steeling myself
against the desperate plea in his voice, I force myself to say the words. “It’s
over, Joseph.” The sight of tears filling his eyes sends a lump to my throat
and wraps my chest in iron bands. I’d rather he beat the shit out of me than
look at me like that.

“Fuck you, then, Airen. Keep your fucking
secret! You and Abby and your goddamn secrets!” he shouts, storming off toward
the RV.

Abby allows me to pull her into my lap and
fuck if I haven’t made her cry too. She isn’t even trying to hide it. “This is
what I was afraid of from the beginning, that we’d hurt him and we did. He’s
devastated.”

“Shh…please don’t cry. We didn’t hurt him,
sweetheart, I did. He still has you. Stay with him and help him through.” Her
tears subside and I hold her until the sun rises, spreading a brilliant
red-orange glow through the morning sky that should be heavy with storm clouds
to match our mood.

“Where are you going?” she asks when I get
to my feet, slipping my arm around her waist.

“I’m going to see if Eric will run into
town with me. I need a tent or another camper to sleep in.”

“Away from Joseph,” she mumbles. I’m
surprised when she presses a soft kiss on my lips. “Don’t think I don’t know
he’s not the only one with a broken heart.”

Joseph

Arrogant, selfish son of a bitch! Fuck
him. I’m done.

The whiskey burns on the way down, sending
a shudder through me. Drinking at six a.m. Airen’s fucking fault. The bed
sheets are still wet with his sweat, his scent is everywhere. Yanking the
sheets off, I toss them aside and remake the bed before flopping on the couch,
bottle between my legs.

I should’ve seen this coming. It was too
good to be true. A near death experience scared him into taking a chance,
sticking his neck out for this relationship, but that effect wears off.
Apparently, after about nine months. Abby steps through the door in time to see
me taking another long swallow from the bottle and approaches me, eyes brimming
with sympathy. I can’t deal with her right now, can’t stand the pity in her
gaze. I’m on my feet before she can touch me.

“It’s going to be okay,” she says, her
voice calm. How the hell does she know?

“I’m fine. This was always going to
happen. Better now than in another year or two. It was never going to work. Go
to Airen, Abby, you belong with him. God knows you have enough in common.”

Color flares in her cheeks. “Are you
trying to end things with me? That’s how you’re going to deal with this?”

“Just leave me alone. This was a mistake.
All of it.”

“No. You’re not breaking up with me.” Ass
planted firmly on the couch, her silent stare dares me to throw her out.

“You don’t get to decide that.”

“Yes, I do. Tell me you don’t want me when
you aren’t upset and pissed over Airen and then I’ll believe you.”

My sigh echoes around the small space. Why
am I taking this out on her? “I can’t. I’ll always want you.”

“Then shut up. I can’t nurse your broken
heart with one of my own. You aren’t allowed to shatter me until we glue you
back together.” She makes room for me on the couch and runs her hand down my
back when I sit beside her.

“I’m fine. You should go get some
breakfast. We’re supposed to target shoot today,” I reply, resting my face in
my hands.

“Joseph.” The stubborn edge returns to her
voice as she tugs my hands away. “Don’t shut me out.”

My laugh is bitter and short. “I learned
from the best. I’m done being an open book while you and Airen hoard your
secrets. Fine. Fuck it.” I’m aware I’m being an asshole again, but I can’t seem
to control it. Hurt flashes in her eyes before she squashes it and gets to her
feet. Shit. I don’t want her to leave. “Wait, baby. I’m sorry. Don’t go.” She
stares at me silently while I rub my temples. “I’m lashing out at the wrong
person. In twenty-four hours I went from the only man he sees to a speck in the
rearview mirror.”

Her comforting scent fills my nostrils as
I’m enveloped in her embrace. “Abby…God…he left me. Just like that. Airen left
me.” The torturous year I spent trying to hide the fact I was in love with him
was a walk in the park compared to this. Now I know what it’s like to be held
by him, kissed by him, taken by him. Loved by him. Because he does love me,
even if he hates himself for it. How do I live without that now? How do I watch
him, day after day, knowing he doesn’t want me? Fuck. No wonder Troy ran.

“It isn’t over, Joseph, no matter what he
says. This isn’t really about you. You know that, don’t you? He’s a mess right
now, just as heartbroken.”

“Good,” I mutter, and she chuckles,
brushing my hair from my forehead.

“Between us, you think he was molested,
don’t you?”

“Judging by his nightmares and his
reaction to Sammy, yes. Something happened to him, and I think Sammy’s story
brought it back to him.” It’s more than a few nightmares. From the beginning,
Airen has shied away from certain sex acts, even when I can see he’s aroused by
the thought. He’ll fuck me, but try to lay a finger near his ass and he freaks.
A few times when he’s had a nightmare, he’s said a name, Craig, as if he’s
addressing a demon.

“Don’t give up on him. He loves you. He’ll
see this secret is tearing apart your relationship.” Her head shakes at my
sardonic glare, a defeated look on her face.

“No offense, ladybug, but stones and glass
houses come to mind.”

Eyes the color of rich caramel stare into
mine, brimming with hard earned wisdom. “Sharing some secrets can be
liberating, free us from pain and solitude. But others are only destructive,
resurfacing to steal our happiness, drag us down, and destroy everything we
worked to overcome.”

“I’m going to say this once more. There’s
nothing you could tell me that would change how I love you.”

“You were trying to break up with me ten
minutes ago,” she replies dryly.

“I’m sorry, baby. You know I didn’t mean
it.” Resting her head on my chest, she runs a palm down my cheek.

“I know, but don’t do that again. You
scared me.”

“And pissed you off.”

“That too. It hurt,” she confesses in a
small voice, and I want to kick my own ass.

“Ladybug…”

“Just listen,” she interrupts. “I need you
to know something. You don’t have to be with me to be with Airen. I love you,
but I won’t inflict myself on someone who doesn’t want me ever again. It’ll
break my heart to let you go, but I want you to be happy. You were never given
the chance just to be with him, without me in the picture. I want you to know
you have that…option. We could alternate nights with him. You aren’t stuck with
me because you love him.”

Fuck. It’s so hard for Abby to trust, to
really believe she’s loved. I’ve probably undone months of built up trust with
one stupid remark. “Don’t say that, sweetheart. You’re my sun, Abby. My day
doesn’t start until I see your sweet smile or end until you kiss me goodnight.
I can’t stand it when you’re unhappy or afraid. I’d do anything for you. I love
the hell out of you.

“But it worries me you have things you’re
scared to tell me, just like Airen. It’s torn us apart and I don’t want to lose
you too. Plus, I don’t like Jon holding you hostage by your fears. Even if he
leaves without telling anything, you’ll always worry. It’s better to just say
it. Like pulling a rotten tooth. Get it out. Get it over with. Face the pain
and then it’s gone.”

“Leaving an ugly gap for everyone to see,”
she murmurs. Pulling her legs up, she puts a little space between us before
whispering, “I’m ashamed.”

Oh, my sweet girl. What could she be so
ashamed of? I slip an arm behind her back and under her knees to scoop her onto
my lap. “Of what?”

“Who I was. What I did. How I let him
treat me,” she replies, her fingers fumbling with my shirt.

“That’s on him, Abigail.”

“You don’t understand. A year into the
relationship he told me he didn’t love me.”

“But you stayed with him,” I murmur,
beginning to understand her shame.

“Worse, I begged him not to leave me. I
loved him. I knew no one would ever love me, they couldn’t. I was unlovable. If
I couldn’t be with someone who loved me, I could at least be with someone I
loved. It wasn’t his fault he couldn’t love me. I wasn’t even good in bed.”

If she wasn’t in my lap, Jon would be in
two pieces by now. “He told you that?”

“He couldn’t stay hard,” she whispers.

“Abby, Christ, that was his issue not yours.
He blamed you?” Her silence is answer enough. “And he left when you got
pregnant?”

She nods. “He thought I did it on purpose
to trap him. He was so pissed.”

“Abigail, tell me the truth. Did he ever
hit you?”

“No. He shoved me a few times and I’d have
bruises on my wrist from his fingers squeezing too tight, but he didn’t, you
know,
beat me
. He kicked me out. Told me to get an abortion, but he
wouldn’t pay for it or go with me. Carson can never know the only reason he’s
here is because I couldn’t come up with eight hundred dollars.”

“You’re ashamed you’d have had an abortion
to keep Jon?”

“No. I knew he was done with me either
way. I just didn’t want to pass on my genes. Make another unlovable person,” she
says as if it’s a matter of course.

“Please tell me you know now you aren’t
unlovable.” I squeeze her tight. “That your boys are loved.”

“Yes,” she whispers.

I can sense the “but” that she doesn’t
speak. But only because the choices of women are limited, but only because you
don’t really know who I am. But, but, but. Doubt shines in her eyes when I tip
her head to kiss her lips. “Did you hear from Jon again?”

“He showed up a few times, pressuring me
to get the termination. Once it was too late for that, he tried to talk me into
giving him up for adoption. When I promised not to seek child support, he
demanded I not name Carson after him and left us alone.” She sighs, dipping her
head so I can’t see her face. “I don’t want to talk about it anymore right now,
okay?”

I know we’ve only scraped the surface of
Abby’s past. That she hasn’t revealed whatever it is Jon’s torturing her with,
but she’s trying.

“I don’t want anything to come between us,
but, please, can you let it go until we get home safe? Raiding a hotel to free
sex slaves, you and Airen fighting, everyone’s exes hanging around, there’s
only so much I can deal with at once.”

“Okay, baby. We can take it slow. Just
don’t pull away from me. I’ll love you no matter what you tell me.”

She nods. “Just let me be here for you
through this…bump with Airen.”

“He dumped me.”

“He loves you.”

“It may not be enough.”

“I love you.”

“That’s all that’s holding me together
right now, ladybug.” Scooping her small body against my chest, I carry her to
the bed. Her hands are cool on my chest. I just need to hold her. I need to
drown out the agony of Airen’s words, to feel loved. To make her feel loved. “I
love you. I think you’re beautiful and sexy and extremely good in bed. It used
to kill me listening to Airen brag about how you could fuck. I’d spend the rest
of the day with a hard on, picturing your legs wrapped around me.

“I’m sorry I hurt you. Please, just let me
hold you and pretend we’re the only two people in the world right now,” I
whisper, pressing her close, leaving no space between us.

* * * *

It pours rain all day, the sky mocking me,
crying tears I can’t seem to shed. I’m grateful for the shitty weather since it
effectively cancelled our plans for target practice today. I can’t deal with
Airen right now. Can’t just act like everything is fine while everyone watches
our little drama. They probably think I deserve it, coming between Airen and
Abby—literally and figuratively—intruding on their marriage. And they’re right.
I’m a dick. I deserve this. What I did was wrong. Yet the knowledge of that
doesn’t keep me from spending the day wrapped around Abby, clinging to my girl,
the only other person in the world who knows how it feels to love him.

When we wake the next morning, rain falls
in torrents, creating a curtain around the RV, isolating us, enclosing us in our
own cozy little world. Soft lips press against my jaw and small, smooth hands
run over my body, caressing, soothing. Trying to lessen the pain. I love her,
and God knows I need her, but these moments are bittersweet. Her touch isn’t
his. Her words can’t make it better. She can’t fill the hole left when Airen
retracted his love and called it done. She can’t take his place.

A soft sigh against my neck pulls me from
my pool of self pity. “I’m sorry, baby. I’m not much fun today. Why don’t you
go see Airen, or visit with Troy and Nic?”

“And leave you here to sulk yourself to
death?”

“I don’t think that’s medically possible.”

“Why take the chance?” A mischievous light
sparkles in her eyes, and she tugs me to my feet. “Come on, put some shorts on.
You can’t lie here all day.”

“Sure I can.” She giggles as I pull her
back into bed with me. “As long as I have a soft, sweet smelling, sexy woman to
hold onto.”

“I’ll keep an eye out for one. Until then,
get dressed.”

“I don’t want to see anyone, Abigail.” I
don’t know if word of our breakup has reached Troy, but if so, I don’t want to
see the look of pity on his face, or worse, vindication.

“Nope. Just us,” she chirps, tugging a
light blue tee shirt over her head.

“Where do you plan to go? It’s pouring.”

“Really? I hadn’t noticed.” The smirk on
her face could rival Airen’s any day. Shit. Can’t I go five minutes without
thinking about him? Waving an orange Frisbee, she says, “We’re going to get
some exercise.”

“In the rain?”

“Aw, are you made of sugar? You going to
melt?” she taunts.

“You’re crazy. Now let me wallow.”

“I would, but I seem to remember my
wallowing getting interrupted by a forced day of sledding not all that long
ago.”

“I gave you weeks!”

“If Airen goes missing, I’ll give you
weeks. You get in a fight, you get one day to brood and it’s over. So get up.”
A pair of sandals plop at my feet and she stares down at me with a grin.