Infinite Ties (All That Remains #3) (25 page)

I hope with all my heart you’re still my
girl. I can’t bear to think of any future that doesn’t include you. It’s what I
hope, but not what I deserve. That’s why I’m returning the ring. I’ll never
forget the day you and Airen gave it to me, and I’ll never forgive myself for
ruining what the three of us had. I don’t know why I did it. I swear, I only
remember a few flashes of that night and it’s fractured and confusing. I know
it’s no excuse, but I need you to know I didn’t want it or plan it. I’ve never
wanted her, never wanted any woman but you, and it makes me sick to know what I
did. I wish I could tell you why. You deserve an answer, and I wish I had one
to give.

I love you more than I can ever describe,
ladybug. No matter what happens or where we go from here, I’ll always love you.
More than anything, I want you back. I need my girl, but I’ll understand if it
can’t be. I don’t want to keep hurting you.

Please, just call me. Yell, scream, or
kick my ass, just talk to me. I need to hear your voice. I love you, my sweet
girl. Please don’t forget about me.

Airen embraces me while tears run down my
face. “He loves you, sweetheart.”

“I know.”

The next few days drag by. It takes
everything I have to get out of bed, but I have to. Everything I do feels
robotic, automated. Cook the meals, care for the kids, clean the house, do the
laundry…and wait for the moment I can climb in bed and escape again. I’m
miserable.

The mattress dips as Airen sits beside me.
He and Joseph have worked things out, but he hasn’t seen much of him. Joseph
refuses to come home until I say it’s okay, and Airen won’t leave me to spend
the night with him. My eyes close at the sensation of Airen’s fingers combing
through my hair. “What are you doing?” I ask.

“Just waiting on my girl to show up.”

“You have another one standing by as
well?”

“Yep, haven’t seen much of her lately,
though. She’s a little wildcat, a fighter. The same woman who kicked Jon in the
balls and called him a noodle dick motherfucker.”

Sighing, I rest my head on his chest. “It
hurts. I thought I could get over it, let it go. I still have you.” Shame
colors my cheeks when I confess, “I love him, but I’ve always been afraid I
love you more, that it’s not equal.”

He tilts my head back and plants a soft
kiss on my lips before his eyes settle on mine. “You didn’t think you could
hurt like this for him.”

“I love him, I just didn’t realize how
much.”

“Because you can’t measure love, darlin’.
There’s no yardstick you can lay it against. It just exists, and every time we
think we have a handle on it, we’re struck again. Torn to shreds and reminded
of just how devastating the loss of it is. How much we risk by letting it in.”

“I don’t know what to do.”

“I know you’re hurting. You just have to
decide if he’s worth the risk of feeling this way again. If the good times with
Joseph are worth losing because of one night he can’t remember.”

“I don’t know whether I can get past him
fucking her, but he needs to come home.”

“He wants to hear that from you,
sweetheart.”

“Will you go with me?”

“After breakfast,” Airen replies, tugging
me out of bed.

* * * *

My heart races as we cross Lexi’s yard and
approach her door. I hate this emotional shit. I really hope no one’s home. The
thought of talking to Joseph is nerve wracking enough without an audience
watching us. Staring at the woman who got cheated on, looking at me with pity
when I ask him to come home. Pathetic.

My self pity evaporates and anger rushes
in as soon as I step through the door. Emma stands in the middle of the room
staring at Joseph as his eyes widen at the sight of me. What the fuck is she
doing here?

“Abby,” he breathes, bounding to his feet
from the couch.

“I didn’t mean to interrupt.” My voice is
so cold I hardly recognize it.

Lexi leaps to Joseph’s defense. “Emma just
came in. No one invited her, Ab.” My mind was so focused on Joseph, I didn’t
even notice her and Eric standing there.

“It’s okay. I just have to say something
and I’ll leave.” The look on Joseph’s face shreds my heart, but I keep my voice
steady. “He’s all yours, Emma. Who knows? Maybe your ability to come in first
and fourth in a wet t-shirt contest will win him over.”

Eric snorts with laughter and Lexi elbows
him.

Emma remains silent as I continue. “I
don’t chase after men who don’t want me. I want him to be happy, and if he
wants someone like you, then he deserves what he gets.”

“No!” Joseph grabs my arm when I turn to leave.
“I don’t want her! Please, I know I fucked up, but I love you. I’m miserable
without you.” He presses his flushed forehead to mine, his curls tickling my
ear. “I want to come home.”

Don’t cry. Don’t fucking cry in front of
this bitch and give her the satisfaction. All I want to do is throw myself into
his arms and tell him how much I’ve missed him, but I’ll start bawling if I do.
Swallowing the lump in my throat, I step back and force myself to meet his
eyes. “I came to ask you to come home. I told you I’d never break up our
family. Come home and be with Airen. Don’t fuck that up too.”

With a small nod, he cups my cheek in his
palm. “Abigail…I…”

It’s so hard to ignore the agony in his
voice. “Take your old room.”

Emma stumbles back when I turn my fierce
glare on her. “This bitch isn’t allowed.” Airen steps between us when I take a
step toward her. “If you show up at my house, I’ll make your teeth as fucked up
uneven as your tits.” She doesn’t say a word as I turn and stalk out the door.

God, how am I going to do this? How can I
live with a man I love without being with him? It hasn’t been that long since
we were only roommates, but it seems like a different life. And truthfully, we
were never simply friends sharing a space. There’s always been more between us,
all of us.

I move Joseph’s bathroom essentials to the
spare bathroom and make up the bed in the extra bedroom. It feels childish,
like drawing a line down the center of the floor and marking my territory, but
I don’t know what else to do. I want to make this as easy on all of us as
possible. We need clear boundaries so we won’t hurt one another. Though I’m not
thrilled about spending every other night in an empty bed, I meant what I said
about alternating nights with Airen. They need each other.

My biggest worry is how I’ll feel if he
keeps fucking Emma, or if he meets another woman in the future. I’ll just have
to deal. I’m not what he needs, and I’m not selfish enough to prevent him from
finding someone who is. Still, a big selfish part of me hopes Airen will be
enough.

The first night is awkward to say the
least. I’m setting the table for dinner when Airen and Joseph come through the
door. Walker races to the table. “Are we having spaghetti? Smells like
spaghetti,” he says with a grin.

“Yep, and garlic toast. Go wash up.” I
ruffle his hair. He’s happy to have his dad back home.

“Abby, can I have a minute?” Joseph asks,
his voice barely audible. I guess we should get this over with.

Nodding, I head down the hall to the spare
room, and he follows. His face droops with disappointment when he sees his
stuff on the night stand. “I didn’t mean to go through your stuff or anything.
I just thought it’d be less awkward this way…if you didn’t have to move.”

“I understand.” He takes my hand. “Have I
fucked things up for good, baby? Have I lost you forever?”

My chest aches, and I stare at he floor.
“Don’t. I can’t do this.”

“Okay. I’m sorry. I don’t want to upset
you. Just tell me what to do.”

I can’t make myself look into his sad
eyes. “We lived together for years before. I want to try to go back to that, to
being friends. I know it won’t be easy, but I don’t see any other way. We can
alternate nights with Airen.”

“I’ll do this however you need me to,
Abigail, but I want you to know this isn’t what I want.”

I feel so hollow. The truth is it doesn’t
matter what either of us wants. There’s a price to pay for every decision, a
debt not always due of the one responsible. It doesn’t matter. In the end, we
all pay. “But it’s all we can have.”

“I’m so sorry. I’d do anything to erase
that night.”

“I know. I’m not trying to hurt you.” His
emerald eyes shine with unshed tears as I continue. “I love you and I don’t
want to lose you completely. The thought scares the shit out of me.”

“Me too. So, we try to go back to how we
were before we slept together?”

I nod, and he wraps his arms around me.
When he feels me tense up, he murmurs, “I could hug you before, and hold you
when you were upset. I could talk to you, and you could confide in me.”

I let myself relax into his warm embrace.
“I know. I’m trying.”

“Take all the time you need,
lady—honey—whatever you need, just tell me.” His face falls as he corrects
himself, and I try not to show how much that hurts, not being his ladybug
anymore. “I know I can’t make this right, but I’ll do my best, and if you ever
change your mind, I’ll be waiting. I’ll always love you, my girl.”

All I can do is nod again.

“Okay.” He releases me and takes my hand
to lead me out of the room. “Let’s go before Walker eats all the bread.”

It’s so much harder than I anticipated. So
many times, I catch myself wanting to kiss him or touch him, and I see him
doing the same. He doesn’t sneak up behind me and slide his arms around my
middle anymore, or kiss the back of my neck. There’s no cuddling on the couch
or playful teasing. I watch him smack Airen on the ass for some smart remark
and a knot forms in my throat, remembering how he used to throw me over his
shoulder and swat my ass. How we used to play, who we used to be. It’s a
strange devastating feeling, grieving for someone who’s right in front of me.

Every day, shit, every hour, I want to go
to him and take him back. Tell him I’ll get over it if he’ll still love me, but
I can’t. The urge to kiss those amazing lips is quickly followed by the thought
that Emma kissed them. I’m haunted by what he did with her. Did he make love to
her like he did me? Did he kiss down her belly, go down on her, make her come?
Did he cuddle her all night or kiss her forehead as she was falling asleep? I
can forgive. I have forgiven him, but I can’t forget.

A week after Joseph’s return, I’m lying in
bed, staring at the wall and trying to gather the will to get up and cook
breakfast. Airen’s arms creep around me and he cuddles me close, pressing my
bare back against his warm chest. He rests his cheek on mine and whispers,
“Don’t cry, sweetheart.”

“I’m not.”

“Okay,” he replies, kissing away a lone
tear from my cheek.

“I miss him. I know it’s stupid. I see him
every day.”

“It’s not stupid. He misses you too.”

“You think so?”

His chin rests on my shoulder. “Take a
good look at him. You’re too lost in your own pain to see it, but he’s hurting
just as bad. If you two don’t reconcile, maybe we need to think of another way
to do things. It’s too painful for both of you like this.”

“I can get it together. I just need time
to adjust. I don’t want him to leave.”

“I know.”

“I know you want me to take him back, Air.
We were going to marry him, and I’m screwing that up, but I just…can’t.”

“Hey.” He rolls me to face him. “You
didn’t screw up anything. None of this is on you. He fucked up. I’m not blaming
you.”

Nodding, I cuddle into him, burying my
face in his chest. “Do you think he went down on her?”

After a slight pause, he replies, “I
seriously doubt that. Is that what bothers you most?”

“It’s not knowing
what
they did. If
he kissed her or touched her…like he did me. If he held her all night.”

“Sweetheart, you’re torturing yourself. I
think that’s a long way off from what happened. I think it was a quick drunken
screw, but I’m not the one to ask. You need to talk to him.”

Yeah, because that won’t be completely
humiliating.

Joseph

The last two weeks have been a nightmare.
The first week at Lexi’s seemed like a month. Airen was so pissed he couldn’t
stand the sight of me, and Abby…fuck, what I did to my girl. I’ll never forgive
myself. The worst thing is not being able to answer them when they ask why I
did it. There’s so little I remember.

I recall Eric and Lexi inviting me in for
a drink, but I could barely keep my eyes focused so I turned them down. I
walked Emma home when she asked and went inside to check the house because she
swore she saw a shadow. That fucking bitch. I know she planned that shit.

I remember her handing me a drink and I
refused, sitting it on her coffee table. My head was spinning. I sat on the
couch and she brought me a glass of water. After that I only get flashes. She’s
straddling me, her tits bouncing in my face, my pants and boxers around my
thighs. Her voice, moaning, then cursing.

I passed out at some point, but I must’ve
finished first. When I woke, my pants were still down, Emma was naked beside me
with the evidence of my massive fuckup dried on her thighs, and Abby’s wide
eyes were staring at me in shock. God, I’ll never forget the look on her face.
I’ve never been so panicked, so fucking scared. I ruined everything. They
wanted to marry me, and I blew it all to hell.

Abby’s devastated, and though Airen and I
are still together, I let him down, disappointed him. It’s nothing compared to
what I’ve done to my relationship with my girl. This last week, watching her
tiptoe around me, avoid me, always with that sad look on her face, has been
torture. She’s lost weight and spends too much time staring into space.

I want to grab her, hold her tight, kiss
her until she can’t breathe. I want to beg her to take me back, to forgive me,
but I know that’s not fair. It hurts to see her so upset, struggling to make
this work for me and Airen. It kills me not to touch her, to tell her again and
again how much I love her, how sorry I am, but she’ll never forgive me.

It took so long to get her to trust me, to
believe I love her, and I’ve destroyed that. I’ve watched her suffer through
the last week and I have to face the fact I may have to move out. I can’t keep
doing this to her. But it’s hard to give up hope that we’ll work things out,
especially since Airen seems so damn sure she’ll take me back.

“I picked up some scary movies,” Airen
says, after another awkward dinner. “Kids are gone for the night. Movie marathon?
I’ll protect you when you get scared,” he teases me, pinching my ass.

“Sounds good. Do you want some popcorn,
Abby?”

A small smile tilts her lips as she
answers me. “Sure, thanks.”

Airen settles between us, and Abby cuddles
against his side. The scent of coconut drifts from her hair, making me hard,
making me want her. All that smooth skin beneath my fingers, her taste on my
tongue, her moans and sweet little whimpers. God, I miss her.

Abby’s laughter fills the room as the
credits roll on the first Paranormal Activity movie. “That wasn’t scary at
all!”

“Are you serious? It jerked her right out
of bed!” I argue, glad to see a smile on her face.

“That was the only thing that happened.
Two hours of boring and then that,” she scoffs, sounding more like herself.

“Okay, Ms. Fearless, you asked for it,”
Airen warns, popping a DVD in the player.

“What is it?” Abby asks.

“A little something by Stephen King.” His
grin widens along with her eyes.

“Not Pet Semetary!” She smacks him on the
arm.

“I’m coming for you, Rachel…and this time,
I’ll get you,” Airen screeches in a high creepy voice, clawing at her.

With a squeal, she scoots across the
couch, away from him, landing half in my lap. My arms automatically wrap around
her. “Don’t make me get the Child’s Play movies out,” I threaten Airen,
squeezing her tighter. She feels so good in my arms. She belongs there. “Your
husband is afraid of dolls,” I whisper in her ear.

Her giggle loosens something inside me,
makes it easier to breathe. When she scoots off my lap, Airen settles on her
other side, shooting me a quick smile when she’s tucked between us. For the
first time since I came home she seems relaxed with me, even hiding her face in
my arm when the scary parts come on.

“I’m going to have nightmares about that
bitch’s twisted back tonight,” she says with a shudder as Airen pops in the
next movie. “I hope you’re happy.”

“Aw, I’ll protect you,” Airen teases.
“Especially if she’s under our bed.”

“Very funny.”

A few moments into the next movie, Airen
yawns and leans to kiss Abby. “I’m going to go to bed, darlin’. Can’t keep my
eyes open. Tell me how it ends. Love you.”

“Love you, too.”

He leans down to drop a quick kiss on my
lips and murmurs, “Talk to her.”

He turns and heads down the hall.
“Joseph’s watching your ass!” Abby calls after him, grinning at me.

“Narc,” I accuse.

A clap of thunder rattles the windows just
before the wind begins to howl. We settle in to finish the movie, but it
becomes hard to hear over the wind. It’s really picking up. When I turn to Abby
to suggest we pause the show until the storm’s over, she’s staring at the
window and gnawing her fingernails.

“Stop thinking about tornadoes. We’re
fine,” I assure her, slipping my arm around her waist. She instantly stiffens.
I guess without Airen as a buffer, she’s a little less comfortable with me.
“Relax, honey, I’m just trying to make you feel safe.”

“You do,” she murmurs, relaxing into my
embrace and resting her head on my shoulder. “I’m sorry. It’s hard. Sometimes I
don’t know how to act or where to draw the line.”

“You don’t have to act any special way
with me. You never have.” She nods, and I rest my chin in her soft hair. “I’m
so sorry I did this to us. Can you ever forgive me?”

“I’ve forgiven you, Joseph. I forgive you.
I just can’t forget.” Her arms tighten around me. “I miss you so much.”

The crack in her voice tears another strip
from my shredded heart. “Me too, ladybug. My days are completely taken up with
missing you. There isn’t room for anything else. I’d do anything for another
chance, but I understand why you can’t trust me.”

“It’s not that,” she replies with a sniff.
“I can’t get the images of you two together out of my head. Can’t stop
wondering what you did with her.”

“I don’t want to hurt you any worse,
sweetheart, but I’ll tell you whatever you need to know to set your mind at
ease. Just ask.”

After considering for a moment, she flips
off the T.V. and lamp. “I need the dark for this,” she whispers.

She doesn’t resist when I pull her back to
my side, threading my fingers through hers in the pitch black. “I love you, my
girl. Please believe me.”

“I do. I know you do.”

“What do you want to know?” Dread fills my
stomach at the thought of what I might have to confess. Hearing about Abby and
another man would tear me apart.

“Did you go down on her?”

“No.”

“Maybe you just don’t remember.”

“She was always on top of me, sitting up
on the couch. I was too drunk for anything else.”

“At least I still have that,” she
breathes. My chest tightens and the lump is back in my throat. She still wants
to be my only girl in any way she can. After a few seconds of silence, she
asks, “Did you kiss her belly…or her forehead like you do mine? Did you hold
her all night?”

Oh God, she couldn’t be more wrong. “No,
listen to me. You’re asking me if I made love to her, if I did the sweet things
that make sex special to us. That didn’t happen, Abigail. I was too drunk to
move. I sat on the couch and drank some water and the next thing I know my
pants are down and she’s fucking me. I blacked out at some point.”

“Are you saying she raped you?”

“No. I don’t know how it got to that
point, but I know I’ve never wanted her. I wouldn’t have tried anything with
her. I was too drunk to know what the fuck was going on. It’s not an
excuse…just how it was.”

“Do you remember how she…felt?” Her voice
is low and watery.

“No, only flashes of her on my lap.”

“I’ll bet you remember her big tits
bouncing in your face,” she spits bitterly.

Shit. That I do remember. I should’ve
known that would bother her. Abby has fantastic tits, but she’s self conscious
about their size. “I don’t remember touching them or touching her at all.”

She’s crying hard now, but doesn’t resist
when I pull her into my lap. “I’m so sorry. I swear I don’t want her. She’s
nothing to me. I love you. I want you.”

“Thank you for telling me the whole
story,” she says between sobs. “I pictured a lot worse.”

“Ladybug, listen to me. You keep offering
me a relationship with Airen where you aren’t involved. I know you think he’s
the reason I was with you. I have that now. I have Airen to myself every other
night, but it’s not what I want. I need my girl.”

Her flushed wet face is buried in my neck
as she cries herself to sleep in my arms. I sit in the dark holding her soft
warm body, listening to her breathe for a long time before I reluctantly take
her to bed. My first impulse is to put her in my bed, but that wouldn’t be
fair. She doesn’t budge as I carry her to her room.

Airen peeks up from his book and raises
his eyebrows. “She fell asleep,” I whisper, placing her on her side and pulling
the covers over her. Her eyelids flutter and a faint smile appears when I kiss
her forehead. After taking in my expression, Airen scoots closer to her and
gestures for me to lie on his other side.

“What happened?” he asks, pulling me
against his side. His hand slides into my hair when I lay my head on his firm
chest.

“I broke her.”

“No, not our girl. She’ll be okay.”

“She wanted details, and I gave them to
her. I don’t know what the fuck I was thinking.”

“She needed to know. It was eating at her.
You did the right thing.”

“I just keep hurting her.”

“You’re trying. So is she. Give it a
little more time, Joey.” His soft lips move over mine in a comforting kiss. We
lie in silence for a few minutes, listening to Abby snore softly before I leave
to go back to my bed. What I’d give to crawl between them like I used to.

* * * *

The faint smell of Abby’s aloe and
cucumber lotion invades my senses, waking me up the next morning. I open my
eyes to Abby’s face, slack and vulnerable in sleep. She came to my bed? Before
I can decide what to do, her eyelids lift and a sleepy smile spreads across her
face.

“Hey.”

“Morning, baby. Tell me you weren’t
sleepwalking.” She giggles and the sound makes my day before it’s even begun.
“I missed you.” I reach to run my fingers through her hair and my chest
tightens at the sight of my hand. More specifically, the S-shaped ring on my
finger. “Abigail?” My voice cracks.

“Do you still want to be my husband?” Big
brown eyes gaze up at me, widening as I bring my lips to hers in a searing
kiss. One taste of her and I’m addicted. I barely hear her soft moans and
stuttered breaths as I kiss her everywhere, tearing off her camisole and
panties.

Her hands are in my hair when I run my
nose down her belly, leaving a trail of kisses from her navel to her sex. After
one slow lick up her center, I slide my arms beneath her thighs and pull her to
my face.

“Joseph! Oh, yes!” I swear she tries to
pull my hair out at the roots as I suck and lick her like I’ll never get
another chance. I was so scared I wouldn’t.

“You taste too good.” Her back arches when
I slide my fingers inside her, rubbing that rough spot that makes her shudder
and jerk her head back and forth. It doesn’t take long for her to come. My
fingers trace small circles on her soft inner thighs while I gently lick every
fold and crevice, bringing her down slowly. I’ve missed this so much. Soft
hands thread through my hair when I rest my chin on her belly and gaze up at
her.

“I guess that’s a yes,” she says, a sunny
smile lighting up her face when I laugh.

“Ladybug, I want to marry you today before
you can change your mind.”

“I won’t change my mind.”

Airen barges into the room, locking the
door behind him. “So this is where my errant wife ran off to. In bed with my
boyfriend, what a scandal.” He’s stripping off his clothes as he talks. “Going
to have to teach you both a lesson.”

Abby stands and stretches, her naked body
so beautiful in the early morning sunlight. “No thanks, I’m done,” she says
with a mischievous grin.

“Airen, would you mind?”

“Uh-huh.” A second later she’s deposited
back in bed with me, and I yank her to me while Airen tugs off my boxers,
leaving us all bare. A sweet whimper leaves her throat as I nibble her ear,
pressing her back to my chest, my hand kneading her breasts. She loves it this
way, both on our sides, spooned together, my hard on nudging between her legs.
A sudden surge of doubt takes hold of me. Does she really want this? Does she
want me inside her knowing I was inside another woman?