Insider (23 page)

*
* *

Caeden and I finished eating and cleaned up the kitchen. I finished wiping the table clean and tossed the cloth in the sink.

“
Wanna
watch some TV?” he asked.

“Sure,” I said, “let me grab my homework.”

I grabbed my backpack from my room and sat down on the floor. I pulled my books out and piled them on the coffee table. Caeden settled the TV on some wrestling channel.

I pulled out my math worksheets and finished the few problems I had left before tackling my English essay.

“Do you ever do homework?” I asked Caeden.

He grinned, dimple flashing into view. “Of course I do, I don’t want to fail.”

“I never see you do any,” I tapped my pencil against the wood table.

“I’m just that awesome,” he said.

“Seriously, when do you get it done?”

“Usually after you go to sleep. I like to watch you-”

“And that’s not creepy at all,” I rolled my eyes.

“What? You’re cute when you sleep. You wrinkle your nose and say my name.”

“I say your name?”

He leaned forward. “Apparently I star in all your dreams.”

I blushed, but before I could retort, loud cursing filled the house.

“Gram?” I asked. “You okay?”

“Damn men,” she said. “I fell in the toilet.”

I busted out laughing. Tears of laughter coursed down my face. “Oh God,” I said, still laughing.

Caeden was blushing
. E
ven his ears were red. “I did tell you I
can
never remember to put the toilet seat down.”

I managed to finish my English essay, my Spanish essay, and start on my history
powerpoint
. Caeden called me an overachiever.

It was lunch, on Monday, and I kept getting angry stares from several of the guys who had been at the soccer tryouts. Since I knew I made the team I hadn’t bothered looking at the list but I knew there were going to be a good many that didn’t make the team.

“I feel like I’m going to be shanked after school,” I muttered under my breath to Caeden.

He looked up and his gaze met that of one of the guys who’d been giving me the stink eye.

“Don’t worry about it, babe,” he squeezed my leg. “They’re just pissed they got beat by a girl.”

Bentley snorted. “I’d be pissed too.”

Bryce balanced a fry on his upper lip. “I just can’t wait to go to a game and watch
Sophie beat a bunch of guys
asses
. It’s going to epic.
I can see the looks on their faces now.” Charlotte swiped the fry from Bryce’s lip and ate it. “Hey!” Bryce pouted at her.

She smiled. “And that’s what they’re faces will look like,” she pointed to Bryce and giggled.

Chris sat beside Logan and was not her bubbly self. I think knowing how close she’d come to losing her brother scared her. I was glad that Logan was okay. I didn’t want anything to happen to any of my pack but I also had to live with the fact that I’d killed someone.

“Sophie,” Caeden said, sensing my thoughts.

I looked up at him.

“You did what you had to do. Don’t beat yourself up about it.”

I tore a fry in half and watched its potato guts spew out onto the green tray. “It just seems wrong that we’re sitting here, laughing, talking, having fun, when they’re dead. When we killed them.”

“Sophie-”

“I know they were bad, evil, whatever. But they were still
people
just like us.”

“They’re nothing like us,” Caeden spat. “You did what you had to do, to save my brother. We did what
we had to do
,” he lowered his voice and whispered in my ear. His lips tingled the sensitive skin.

“I know,” I said. “But that doesn’t make it any easier to deal with.”

I pushed my tray away and let my pack have their pickings. I wasn’t hungry, not at all.

“I feel like I’m losing my soul,” I said to Caeden.
“Like I have no control over anything anymore.”

“Sophie, that isn’t true.”

“But it is,” I said. “From the moment I got here I’ve had no control over my future, over my destiny.”

Hurt flooded his blue eyes.

“I didn’t mean it like that,” I grabbed his arm. He pulled away.

“I think you did,” his voice was soft, full of hurt.

“No, Caeden,”
I
put my hands on his cheeks and forced him to meet my gaze. “I didn’t mean
you
. I love you. You are
my
choice. Always.” I pressed my forehead to his and said again, “Always.”

Caeden let out a breath. “Good… and I do sort of understand what you’re saying. And about the whole Grimm thing.”

“Doesn’t it bother you?” I played with his ears. “Killing?”

He turned his head and looked out the back window of the cafeteria. “I don’t know,” he said.

“You don’t know? That seems like something you would know.”

He stood and picked up his backpack. I looked around and realized that the cafeteria was completely empty. He grabbed my tray and said, “We better get to study hall.”

I tucked my hair behind my ear and grabbed my backpack off the ground.

Caeden and I walked to study hall, not holding hands, not even talking. I felt like there was an invisible wall between us. I wanted to reach out and bang my fists against it in the hope that it would fall. Crumble. Shatter.

For the first time in a long time I didn’t do any homework in study hall. I was t
o
o absorb
ed
in my thoughts. Robert. Hannah. Travis.
A distant Caeden.
It was all just too much.

*
* *

“Welcome to the first day of practice,” Coach said. “I expect the most from my players,” he looked at me, “and I want to
win
this year!”

Evan snickered and leaned towards me. “Johnston may be the best coach we’ve ever had but we’ve yet to win a game.”

“A single one?” I asked, astonished.

Evan shook his head.

Coach dumped out a bag of soccer balls. “I want you to do two laps around the field dribbling. Get to it!”

As we dribbled around the field I said to the seven guys, “I’m glad to see you all made the team.”

Tyler grinned.
“Of course we made the team.”

“We couldn’t let these fuckers terrorize our girl,” Brody dribbled past me.

“Should I be worried that they’ll do something?”

“Nah,” Cam shook his head.

“And if they try something,” Shane winked, “we’ll be sure to stop it.”

“Yeah,” Kyle said, “we can’t have our best player taken out. We need you.”

“You’re our secret weapon,” Riley said.

Evan chimed in with, “The other teams are going to see you and think, ‘She’s hot, what can she do?’ and then you’ll just get out there and show them how soccer’s really played.”

I laughed. “It helps to have an awesome team backing you.”

“Awesome?” Riley said. “We are dynamite! Dynamite!
Dy
-
na
-
mite
!” The other guys joined in, even the ones that hated my guts, and I couldn’t help laughing. It felt good to laugh after the day, no not just the day but the week, I had had.

But once I thought of lunch today I couldn’t get the image of killing Robert out of my mind. I understood that he was
evil and that
he was going to kill Bryce, but that didn’t make it any easier for me to deal with. A life was life.

* * *

Caeden wasn’t waiting for me in the parking lot but he had dropped of my Pilot. The key was in the ignition. I tossed my bag onto the passenger seat and then leaned back, closing my eyes. I sighed and pinched the bridge of my nose.

I thought that the Grimm Pack being gone would solve our problems but obviously they were just beginning.

Opening my eyes I started the car and drove home.

Caeden wasn’t home but Gram was. She’d made grilled chicken for dinner.

“How did practice go?”

“It went,” I muttered, going into the bathroom. I took a long shower and when I got out I even took the time to blow dry my hair. I clipped a portion back so that it wouldn’t be hanging in my face.

When I joined Gram at the kitchen table Caeden still hadn’t come home.

“Gram,” I said, pushing a piece of chicken around my plate. “Does Caeden seem a bit strange to you?”

She wiped her mouth on a napkin. “He seems a bit distracted. Distant,” she resumed eating.

I felt better knowing that I wasn’t the only one picking up on Caeden’s odd behavior.

“But,” Gram shrugged, “going through something like you all did changes a person. Wouldn’t you say that you’re changed?”

I swallowed. “Of course.”

She smiled reassuringly and patted my hand. “I’m sure Caeden’s struggling just like you are. He’s a man so he’s not going to be as open about his feelings. Give him time.”

Give him time. “I can do that.”

She sat back and pointed at my plate. “Now stop worrying and eat your dinner.”

*
* *

Caeden slipped into my bed around midnight. I folded my hands under my head and rolled over to face him. “Where were you?” I asked. I tried to keep any tone of accusing out of my voice. I honestly didn’t even know what I could be accusing him of.

“I went for a walk. I needed to clear my head.”

“You went on a walk for nine hours?”

“I was looking for something.”

“Did you find it?”

“No,” he sighed. “I didn’t.”

“What you’re looking for… is it important?”

“Very.”

“I could’ve helped you,” I said.

Even in the dark I could see his brow furrow. “No, this is something I have to do on my own.”

“Are you mad at me?” I asked after several tense moments of silence.

“I can never be mad at you,” he rolled over to face me. He smiled. “Besides, as far as I know you haven’t done something I should be
mad
about. Have you?”

“No,” I said. “I just feel like there’s a wall between us,” I pointed at him and then me.

Caeden let out a breath and wrapped his arms around me. “I’m sorry I’m being such a crappy boyfriend,” he kissed the top of my head. “I just have a lot on my mind. From this moment on I’ll just be Normal Caeden not Grumpy Caeden.”

“That sounds good,” I said as his hand smoothed down my back causing me to shiver. I was sure we’d be ninety and Caeden’s touch wo
uld still affect me the same way.