Insider X (21 page)

36

NA CLICKED THE screen.  Crush gave her instructions in the beginning on where to go and then sat back and watched.  He seemed somber.  Very serious.  Did he believe all that garbage, Na wondered?  Did he think democracy was evil?  The West was evil?  That America was trying to kill Chinese people?  Give us cancer?  Poison our skies and food?

It was a little much, even for true converts to the China Dream, she had to think.  Yes, the Americans were definitely doing some major bad stuff in parts of the world.  But that was their military.  Their military bullied, pushed, and tried to act like GLOBAL COP.  But that was America.  They were a big dumb blockhead, at times.  Misguided.  A bull in a china shop.  Hurting—and sometimes killing—others as they tried to help.

But evil?

No.

Evil was a different animal.  Na knew evil.  And America was not evil.

Evil was when you couldn’t have a second child, could never have a sister, or a brother, or an aunt, or an uncle, or a cousin, or know what it was like to have a “family”.

FAMILY.

That was it.  What evil tried to destroy.  What evil waged war against.  What evil made rules to erode, eradicate, make disappear entirely.  Because apparently EVIL viewed families as threats.

Why was evil so afraid of families?

Evil let melamine be put in baby formula because evil was bribed and turned a blind eye.  Less babies, less families.  You only get one. 
They died?  So sorry.  No more for you; we tied your tubes when you had that one.

Evil was when grey men fined unwed mothers for having a baby, and then killed that baby if the mother didn’t pay.  Na had seen that happen.  Grey men ran over the baby with their car. 
You should be more careful where you leave your baby
, the grey men said to Na’s friend.  No lie.  That was what they said.

She was a friend.  She disappeared.

Friends.  Na guessed they were lumped in with family too, at times.  Because evil made them disappear when they complained. 
No complaining.  Don’t you know the rules?  Complaining is not allowed.

The rules.  The rules according to grey men.  The rules were when your home, your land, was not yours even after seven generations, but could be taken from you at any moment, and if you resisted you were beaten bloody in broad daylight and left to die in your own puddle out there in the street.  Evil was when your mom was killed the same way right in front of you.  Evil was when the men that did it said,
don’t worry, she’s too young to remember this.  Give her to somebody else, if they’ll take her—tell them she’s a boy… har har.

In America there were no laughing grey men.  Family was not a dirty word—you could have babies; as many as you wanted.  You could have friends.  And not worry about any of them disappearing in the middle of the night.  In America you could say anything you wanted, and not just in your home (you could have homes there!), but out in the open where everyone could hear.  You could put your money in banks without worrying The State would put you in jail for having too much.

Maybe America had problems.  Maybe in America everybody carried guns; maybe druggies broke into homes; maybe racists and religious crazies were on every street corner spouting hate; maybe celebrities were really aliens trying to control everyone’s minds; maybe everything she read about America on the Internet was all real.

But EVIL?

Was America evil?

Na didn’t buy it.  She’d met many Americans.  Some were ugly jerks, but many were not.  Many were very friendly.  Not evil.  She didn’t sense evil from them, and she usually could sense such things.

Okay.  She’d made her point.  America was okay.  That movie she just watched was a big smelly doodie.

Na crinkled her nose, and navigated the screen.  She could almost do this with her eyes closed.  Took no thinking at all. 

The training modules were very basic.  Simple stuff.  Too simple.  She didn’t need to learn how to do the things they were showing.  The various modules were teaching her how to go to different websites, how to navigate certain social media portals, how to make profiles, leave posts and comments, like something, tweet and paste links, friend someone, give a review for a restaurant or dry-cleaning business…

Much of this stuff was supposed to be off-limits.  But just like at the den, Facebook, LinkedIn, Twitter, Yelp, Google, Reddit, YouTube and all those other State-banned social media sites were now being shown to her.  She was being instructed how to navigate those sites and do stuff on those sites.

All cool stuff.  Not!  She already knew how to do all this stuff.  What a waste of her time.

At the end of each module, she had to answer questions to verify she understood the concepts, knew how to do what she had been shown.  Do I know how to click and ‘like’ something?  Was it really asking that dumb question?

Yes, it was.  Na sighed.  This was so tiresome.  So boring.

“I know,” Crush said.  “But we have to do each training module.  We can’t skip… even these easy questions.”

Na had slipped again and broadcasted her thoughts.  It must have been her sigh.  “No, this is okay,” she said.  It was a lie.  This was not okay.  This was crazy crazy boring!

But she got through it.  And scored 100!  Again.  Perfect score.

Wow.  Yippee.  Snore.  Zzzzzzz….

She knew how to search.  How to click a button.  How to move her mouse.  How to turn on a computer.  How to click on a link.  How to go back to an earlier webpage.  How to open a new webpage.  How to close a webpage.  How to log out.  How to log on.  How to paste something.  How to delete something.  How to copy clip text and move files.  How to become so bored she wanted to scream.

“That was really hard,” Na said.

Crush smirked.  “I could tell.  Let’s do the next one.”

Training Module #27.  Ugh.

But it wasn’t so bad.  In fact, things suddenly got much more interesting.  The first part was a test.

The questions were really funny. 

Like this one: Who is Oprah?  And there were multiple choice answers for her to choose.  A) An insect in South America.  B) A man who is fat.  C) A black woman on TV.  D) A woman who is fat.

That was a tough question.  Was the correct answer C or D?  Wait.  She remembered.  Oprah had lost weight.  So it must be C!

Correct!

Okay.

How many pounds are in 100 pounds?  Was it really asking that?  Yes, it was.  Duh.  The answer was D) 100. 

Correct!

What is worse to say to someone?  A) You are a jerk.  B) You are phat.  C) You are an animal.  D) You are a faggot. 

Hmm.  That was a little tough.  It was either A or D.  But what was the better answer, she wondered?  If you are homosexual you wouldn’t mind being called a faggot, Na figured.  But if you were not homosexual, then you might mind being called a faggot.  But you also would not like to be called a jerk.  Na could go either way with this one.  She decided to guess.  D) Faggot.

Correct!

Goody.  She still had her streak going.  But the next one was really hard.

What do you do if you have “ants in your pants”? A) Run around screaming.  B) Take your pants off.  C) Use Raid.  D) It is an American expression meaning you are anxious.

Was the correct answer A or B?  She didn’t know.  What was Raid?  She didn’t know, but that didn’t sound right.  Or was it D?  An American expression?

Because there were quotations around “ants in your pants”, she figured it had to be D.

Correct!

Phew.  Still doing 100.  She read the next question.

Who is the President of the United States? A) Obama Bin Laden.  B) Obama Your Mama.  C) Asshole Obama.  D) Barack Obama.

Na giggled.  D!

Correct!

“I thought about saying B,” Na said.

Crush smiled.  “Not A?” he said.

“That was a good one too,” Na said.

What is the name of Obama’s wife? A) Fat lady.  B) Ugly lady.  C) Big phat butt lady.  D) Michelle.

Na giggled again.  “Should I say C?”

Crush suppressed a laugh.  “I can’t help you with the answers.”

“Who wrote these questions?” Na said.  She selected D.

Correct!

What are the names of the two major political parties in the United States? A) Congress and House of Representatives.  B) Senate and Congress.  C) Democratic Party and Republican Party.  D) New Years Party and Saint Patrick’s Day Party.

She chose C.  Correct!

The questions became considerably harder.  Who is the Speaker of the House?  Who has more power, a five-star general or the Secretary of Defense?  Who is in charge of the US Military?  How many members are in the House of Representatives?  How many members are in the Senate?  What does a filibuster mean?  What best describes the process how a bill is passed in the US legislative system?

No fair.  These were all hard ones.  Na began to miss some.  Thankfully, the questions became easier again.

What does “phat” mean?  What is a “hammer and a nail”?  What does “catch you on the down low” mean?  What American movie is about the CIA?  What American TV show is most popular right now?  What American news channel has Diane Sawyer?  What American Reality TV show has three sisters?  What is the name of the oldest sister?  What is the name of the sister who married a black man?  What is the name of the mean black boyfriend of the tramp sister who filmed a nudie film?

Some of the questions were ridiculous.  Were they trying to be funny?  Na didn’t think so.  She answered all of them correctly.

Man, she was good.

What is “rim job”?  What does “clean your lettuce” mean?  What does a “blowjob” mean?

Na blushed.  These were not nice questions.  She quickly answered them and moved on, feeling uncomfortable reading them and being next to Crush.

But the questions didn’t get any better.  What is “cock”?  What does “doggy style” mean?  What does “three-way” mean?  What is the average size of an American black man’s penis?

Na couldn’t believe these questions.  Who has a bigger penis, Barack Obama or Hillary Clinton?  At least that was a funny question, but it was still terrible.

Na didn’t like this at all.  She shifted in her seat.  Crush was being so still next to her.

She still couldn’t read his feelings, but she thought she saw him blushing too.  She didn’t want to look at him, though.  She raced through the questions, not caring if she got them wrong.

What does a black woman say when having sex?  What does a Mexican say when farting?  What does “passing wind” mean?  What does “quiff” mean?  What book is about sex?  How many times do American men think about sex?  What sexual position is considered the missionary?  What does “first base” mean when used in sexual terms?  What does “third base” mean when used in sexual terms?

Sex, sex, sex, or crass sex terms.  All of these questions were about sex in some way or another.  Na squirmed in her seat.  When was this going to end?

The questions finally shifted to new topics.  What American magazine is about cars?  What car is more expensive?  What does “two grand” mean in terms of US dollars?  What is the population number of the United States?  What two US states are not part of the continental United States?  What US state has a larger population?

True or False, in the American South a “redneck” is the same thing as an “American Indian”.  True or False, “honkie” is more likely to be uttered by a redneck than a black man.  How many grades are there in the American schooling system?  Is eighth grade taken in high school or middle school?  Is “nigga” the same thing as “nigger”?  Is “hip hop” a dance or a type of music?  Is “jazz” played in Utah?  Is the “Utah Jazz” a football team or basketball team?  Who is Trey Burke?  What did he break recently?  Who is Peyton Manning?  What sports team did he used to play for?  What sport do the Williams sisters play?

She didn’t know the answers to half of these questions.  “These are hard,” she said, as she got her third question wrong in a row.

“Don’t worry,” Crush said.  “They are trying to find your strengths.  Just do the best you can.”

“Are you getting tired watching me?” Na said.

Crush looked at her with a very serious expression.  “I don’t think that would be possible.”

Na blushed.  Again?  She was a blushing machine.  She went back to answering questions.  They were all over the board.

What religion is most commonly practiced in the American South?  What religion is practiced in Utah?  What religion believes in aliens?  What religion does Tom Cruise belong to?  What actress was Tom Cruise married to last?  Who else has Tom Cruise been married to?  How tall is Tom Cruise?  In what movie did Tom Cruise play Maverick? 

What’s with all these questions on Tom Cruise?  Crazy.  She knew most of the answers, though.

What party is the Tea Party associated with?  Name three senators that are part of the Tea Party.  Which word is considered more derogatory in black culture?  Which word is considered more derogatory in redneck states?  What states are considered redneck?  What is the color of the Liberty Bell?  Who made the Liberty Bell?  What city is the Liberty Bell located in?