Inspire (26 page)

As soon as the girls left, the floor fell out from under me. The pain and sadness that I was feeling at the loss of what I believed was true love was too great for me to take, so I just lay down on the couch to cry. After a few minutes passed, I calmed enough to call my mom and let her know that I was heading out. I wasn’t going to let on that my plans were not to return, so that she would let me go, but I was going to tell her that I needed time away because of what happened with Travis.

“Paige sweetie! Why? I thought things were going great between you and Travis,” my mom said, not understanding the sudden change in course.

“He has a girlfriend Mom,” I said, not wanting to lie to her.

“What? Lucille never mentioned that Travis was seeing anyone. Quite the contrary, she has only made comments hoping that he would develop an interest in you, which he obviously had. I don’t understand,” she whispered, sounding as confused as I felt.

“Listen, I just need to go home for a bit and get over this, but maybe I’ll come back in a few weeks if I can stomach the return. Okay?” I was trying to reassure her, but in the back of my mind I knew that there was no way I could come back. I just knew that once I was gone, and my parents realized how much fun they were still having without me around, they would be okay with me staying at home.

“Okay sweetie! I understand. When you’re ready to come back, you can just drive your Jeep back up. Okay?” she said.

We said our goodbyes, but before she hung up the phone she left me with one last bit of advice. “Paige, you should hear him out before you go. It will help you heal faster, knowing the truth.” We ended the call on that note and I knew that although she was right, my heart couldn’t take it.

I went into the bathroom to get myself together. After a few minutes of splashing cold water on my face, followed by a little make-up, I was finally half-way presentable. The tears had momentarily subsided and were being replaced by anger. I was angry that Travis had lied to me and that I had fallen for it. I was angry that he had let things go so far between us. I was angry at myself for not questioning him sooner about keeping us a secret. But mostly, I was angry at myself for falling SO HARD, SO FAST. Once I looked more like myself, I gave a quick glance around the room to make sure the girls had packed all of my things before I made my exit. I just needed to say goodbye to everyone, well almost everyone, and then find my friends to leave.

Chapter 24

Travis was sitting in one of the chairs by our fire pit as I stepped out of the RV. “Ashley said that you’re leaving with your friends?” he asked softly and his face was full of remorse. I nodded my response as tears once again welled up in my eyes. “Will you at least let me explain before you go?” he pleaded. My mom’s voice rang in the back of my mind, and I knew that she was right. If I wanted to have a chance at healing, I needed to hear him out, so I nodded in agreement. He immediately came to stand in front of me and reached for my hand as I pulled it away.

“Stop Travis. Just give me your excuses and let me go,” I said, trying to hold myself together.

“Paige, I need you to know that the feelings I have for you were real, are real,” he quickly corrected and I could hear his nerves getting the best of him. “I know I can’t take back the fact that I lied to you, but I want you to know it was because I wanted us to have a chance.”

“Yeah, because lying is the key to a successful relationship,” I snipped sarcastically, frustrated by the ridiculousness of his remark.

“Paige, the first day I met you I fell for you. I couldn’t help but be taken by your sweet personality as you lovingly reassured your mom in the shop. Not only did I find you incredibly gorgeous, but you were adorable too: making jokes and begging for s’mores,” he said smiling as he recalled the memory. “When you mentioned you were going to be in New York City, I immediately hoped that you would be at Columbia. Then, when I found out that was going to be the case, I knew I had to get to know you.”

I was finding myself being wooed by Travis’s words, and I needed to maintain my ground so that I wouldn’t fall into another one of his traps, so I took a step back. “Paige, that day on the beach, I wasn’t expecting to kiss you. I wanted to spend the day learning more about you, but the more I learned, the more I was unable to restrain myself. Everything in me wanted to kiss you, so instead of doing what was right because I wasn’t a hundred percent available, I let myself do what I wanted. I was already finding myself falling for you,” he said, trying to reach out for my arm again. The part about him not being available was ringing loud and clear in my mind and I didn’t want the contact so I pushed him away.

“Having a girlfriend Travis, means that you’re not available at all, there is no percentage in that,” I said, reminding him of how relationships work. “What I’m mad at is the fact that after you asked me if I had a boyfriend, I didn’t return the question.” I said as a tear of anger slipped down my cheek. “Although, you probably would have just lied to me anyway.”

“Paige, I never in a million years would have done anything to hurt either of you, but I felt stuck in a tough situation,” he said, taking a step forward to close the gap that I had just put between us. “See, I wanted to end things with Cora last September. After she spent the entire summer flirting with Corey. I was done,” he asserted. I could see the anger in his eyes and knew that he was telling the truth.

“We went back to school in the fall and I finally made up my mind. I didn’t love her, and I knew that it was stupid to keep holding on to something that wasn’t working. Anyway, I was supposed to come in for her homecoming dance but I canceled at the last minute. I just thought it would be wrong for me to deceive her into thinking things were good between us, and I didn’t want to ruin her weekend by breaking up with her. So, I just bailed two days before and decided that I would end things with her after the fact. Cora was so mad at me for not coming to the dance though, that she wouldn’t return my calls.”

I know why she didn’t return your calls, she was either still hooking up with the guy that she cheated on you with, or didn’t know how to face you with her guilt
my mind silently snarked, but I didn’t interject my opinion as I just stood listening while he continued. “It wasn’t until a few weeks later, that she finally called me back and told me that her family was coming for Christmas. I figured that breaking up with her in person on friendly terms would be better than over the phone, so I decided to wait until their visit to do it,” he said, looking away momentarily shaking his head as a look of pain crossed his face. I couldn’t read his mind, but I could tell that he was regretting his decision.

“When her family came into town, it was awkward between us, another indication that I was ready to move on and definitely making the right decision,” he said. “So, I sat down to talk to her one night near the end of their stay, and as I started my ‘lets be friends speech’, she interrupted, divulging the fact that she had been raped.” I gasped at Travis’s admission and could hardly believe what I was hearing.

“How is it possible to know two girls who have both been through something that traumatic within the last year? That is terrifying.” I quietly spoke and silently vowed in that moment to take Britney’s advice and never find myself unaccompanied next year at school.

I could see the anguish in Travis’s eyes as he continued and my heart pulled for him. “Once she told me what had happened, Paige, I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t break up with her. Images of Britney went through my mind, and there was no way I could do to Coraline what Corey had done to her. I couldn’t make Cora feel rejected for what had happened to her by casting her aside like dirt, and I couldn’t add to her pain either. So, I decided to be the supporting boyfriend she needed in the moment, and deal with my own stuff later. I figured that some healing would come through the spring when we were apart and that by this summer she would be stronger. I was going to use the excuse of us going away to college, as a way to end things, hoping that she would understand and respect my decision. I didn’t want her to blame herself in any way, or think it had anything to do with what had happened to her,” he said.

His eyes were filled with so much pain, and I could see that he felt burdened by the way things ended up. I couldn’t bring myself to leap into his arms and offer him forgiveness, but I was still willing to listen.

“I was hoping to end things when Cora arrived for the summer, and spend the rest of my time trying to win her friendship so that she would forgive me. But, her parents postponed their trip and,” he paused, once again reaching out for my arm. I chose not to pull away from him this time because I could feel his wounded soul trying to grasp onto me for dear life and I couldn’t leave him drowning. “And then you showed up,” he said, running his fingers down my forearm and lacing them through mine. “Paige, I had no idea I was going to fall so hard, so fast. I thought for a second that I could keep myself away, until I made things right, but that was impossible,” he said, squeezing my hand tight.

“So, why didn’t you tell me Travis? Why couldn’t you have just been honest with me?” I asked, desperately hoping for an understanding of all the lies.

“Because I knew you wouldn’t give us a chance. Paige, if I had told you I was still in a relationship, you wouldn’t have given me the time of day. Why would you? You can have any guy you want,” he said, running the back of his other hand down my cheek. “And if I had told you the truth, that emotionally I was free and had been mentally broken up for a while but just couldn’t break Cora’s heart because she was raped, then you still wouldn’t have given us a chance.”

His words rang true and I understood his reasoning. The reality was, Travis was right. If I had known he was dating someone else, there would have been no way I would have allowed anything to happen between us and would have shut my heart off from him. And if he had told me the reasons he was still with Cora, I wouldn’t have allowed myself to get caught up in the situation so as to spare her any more pain. Although his deception was wrong, his prediction for what would have happened was right.

“Travis. I understand why you lied, but it doesn’t make it right,” I spoke quietly shaking my head.

“Paige, don’t you see. We were able to discover what’s really between us because you didn’t shut me out,” he said, wiping a tear from my cheek. “Everything I told you about myself was the truth, even my reasons for wanting to break up with Cora. The only thing that I lied to you about was the fact that I already had.” His voice was desperate, and I knew that he had regret for the way he handled things. But instead of giving him the justification he wanted for his actions, I could only think of the hard reality of the situation.

“Even still Travis, I don’t know how you could think that lying and cheating on Cora was better than just being up front and honest with her. I’m not sure your deception was any better than what Corey did to Britney.”

I could see how my words stung him the second they escaped my mouth. Although I regretted saying them, I was only speaking the truth. “I guess I’ve just screwed things up with everyone. I’m sorry, Paige. I know you deserve better than this, and I’m truly sorry,” he said quietly, pulling me in for a hug resting his head on the top of mine. In that moment, I could feel that this was the end for us, and everything in me crumbled. I let my tears go, and relished the feeling of being embraced in Travis’s arms. I knew that it was going to be the last time, and I wanted to savor the moment.

“Please forgive me Paige. I will go right now and make the situation right. I will go and tell her the whole truth, just don’t give up on us.” His request was tugging at my heart, and as much as I wished that things could be different and we could be together, I wasn’t going to let myself be the cause of any more pain to a girl who had suffered enough. I had seen the anguish in Britney’s eyes when she had told me about her past, and I could only imagine how much worse it could have been if she had then found out that Corey had cheated on her and told her that his heart belonged to someone else. Even though I didn’t know this Cora girl, and hated her for cheating on Travis (which I assume was out of spite,) I wouldn’t be the one to cause her any more suffering.

“And what? Go break Cora’s heart the second she has arrived? Rip her to shreds after she has already been through so much? NO!” I shouted. “You know you can’t do that. It will crush her. She is fragile Travis, and you have to handle this with care. Unfortunately, that means more lies and I can’t stick around for any more lies. I’m sorry, I have to go.”

I pulled away and went running towards my friends. There was no time for me to go and find everyone to say goodbye. I needed to get away and fast. I couldn’t breath being there any longer so I ran straight to Tracey’s car. Without saying a word, Tracey slid in the back seat with me and Tom and Jared hopped in the front. They started the car knowing exactly what I needed and pulled out of Willow Falls. Tracey held me the entire drive and let me just cry in her arms. Nobody added their two cents, or tried to soothe me with spoken bandages, they just drove and offered me the quiet comfort that I needed.

As every mile passed between us and the campground, the sadness grew stronger. I was heartbroken and knew that I was leaving the love of my life behind, and it sucked knowing that it was all because of really shitty circumstances. Because if Cora hadn’t been raped, Travis would have broken up with her, and everything between us would have just been incredible and honest. It had still been so incredible and that is why this hurt so bad.

Chapter 25

“All right missy,” Tracey said, pulling the blankets off me. “You need to get out of this bed, and I have just the activity that will get your mind off everything,” she said, sitting down beside me on the mattress.

I had been crying and sleeping for two days straight because everything hurt so much. I couldn’t have imagined what heartbreak would feel like, and now I knew first hand. It was the most painful thing I had ever experienced and all I wanted to do was stay in bed.