Intangible (17 page)

She broke into a run.

“Luke, what—”

“It’s Dad.” He choked on the word, clamped his mouth shut. She reached out and touched his arm. He immediately opened his arms and buried her in a hug. She could feel him breathing in gasps.

“Luke?” Her voice sounded panicked. He was scaring her—it had to be bad, she’d never seen him like this. She took a breath and tried for calm. Maybe it would help him. And her. “Just tell me where he is. I’ll go heal him.”

Luke could only manage a strained whisper. “He’s dead.”

SIXTEEN

T
he violin music drifting quietly throughout the funeral home made Sera want to scream. It was just too calming, too sedate, too passionless. She could almost feel the bows scraping across her spine as the music went on and on. And on. Her father would have hated it.

She looked at the grey walls, the perfectly arranged flowers spaced evenly around the rooms, the line of people waiting to pay their respects. Her mother, dressed in a dark pants suit and cornflower blue blouse—her father’s favorite color—looked beautiful.

And absolutely miserable.

She’d been a mess when Sera and Luke had gotten home that night, the night he’d died. She’d been sitting in the dark kitchen, her head on the table, sobbing. Luke had grabbed a box of tissues while Sera ran to put her arms around their mom and ease her pain as much as she could. Which wasn’t much, in all reality. She couldn’t completely take away an emotional pain without undoing whatever had caused it.

And there was no way she could undo this. No matter how much she wanted to.

Luke plunked down on the padded bench next to her, bumping her with his shoulder. Their eyes met and she could tell he understood. He knew. Of course he did. This is how they were—the same.

She squinted at him, screwed up her face and fought off tears. Again. It’d been two days. She couldn’t believe she was having to force away tears after all the crying she’d already done. Fey and Quinn walked over to where they sat. Quinn handed her a tissue.

“Hey,” he said. His earbuds were hanging down over each shoulder.

“Hey, yourself.” Sera tried to smile but her face wouldn’t cooperate. Fey sat down on her other side and grasped her hand.

Sera leaned her head back on the wall and closed her eyes. Which was a mistake because it threw her back to the moment of finding out her dad was dead.

She had pushed away from Luke to see his face, certain he had to be kidding. That it had to be a joke. She’d placed one palm on his chest. To stop it, the joke. Why would Luke think this was funny? He had a twisted sense of humor, sure, but this really went beyond his usual.

“No,” she’d said, “he’s not. I just talked to him. I just…Luke?” She’d stopped. It wasn’t a joke. She could see that in his eyes and the tears that ran down his face. She clenched her jaw, set her mouth, pushed the panic down. Her voice was low, serious, as she said, “Where is he? Luke? Tell me where he is.”

“It’s too late, Sera.”

“
Where is he?
I can go right now. I can heal him. I can stop this.”

“I
saw
him, Sera. It’s too late.”

“WHERE IS HE?” She grabbed the front of his coat.

“He’s gone. Or can you bring back the dead, Sera?” Luke asked in a soft whisper, not unkind. “You can do a lot of amazing things, I know, but I don’t think that’s one of them.”

“Oh god. Ohgodohgodohgodohgod.” She dropped her arm, folded in half, and tried to catch her breath. Her knees hit the red bricks of the street. Pain filled her chest, crushing her lungs so she couldn’t breathe

“No,” she said. Not her dad. Not him. She needed her dad.

She looked up at Luke. He hadn’t moved. Face pale, his eyes were wide, haunted. He shook his head from side to side, a small motion, as if he couldn’t wrap his mind around it even though he knew it was true. She reached out her hand to him and he grasped it, collapsing on the ground next to her.

“How?” she whispered.

“Heart attack,” Luke said. “They think.”

“But he didn’t have heart problems, did he?”

Luke shook his head and gazed silently ahead.

“I didn’t See it,” he said finally, in a very quiet voice. “How could I not have Seen it? How?”

“Oh, Luke,” Sera said, and squeezed his hand tight between hers. “Luke, it’s not your fault. And even if you had Seen it, you wouldn’t have been able to stop it, would you? Have you ever been able to?”

“No,” he whispered, his breath coming in short gasps. He turned his head away and stared unseeing up at the night sky, and she thought for a moment he was going to pass out. She grasped his chin in her hand, tried to make him look at her and see her, really see her.

He didn’t budge.

“Luke!” She shook his shoulders. This wasn’t like him. He didn’t fall apart like this. She couldn’t handle this on her own. She didn’t want to. That’s why there were two of them.

“What good is this
gift,
” Luke said quietly, sarcasm dripping from the last word, “if I don’t get to See something like this? What good is it if I can’t stop things from happening?” He still looked up at the stars. “This wasn’t supposed to happen. Maybe that’s why I didn’t get any warning. It shouldn’t have happened.” The realization made his eyes huge when he finally turned to Sera. “Don’t you think? Dad wasn’t supposed to die.”

She opened her eyes now and peered at Luke on the bench next to her and thought that he had never been more right than when he’d said that. This wasn’t supposed to have happened, their dad shouldn’t be dead. She was not supposed to be sitting here at his wake.

Luke was flipping something back and forth in his hands. She caught a glimpse of silver.

“What is that?” Sera said.

“Dad’s flask.”

“Oh.” His flask. Their dad had carried it with him everywhere. Empty. Always empty. As a reminder of who he’d been and who he’d become. He’d sobered up after the divorce and hadn’t slipped once in eight years. His empty flask had been a kind of trophy to him.

“I got it when we picked up his stuff from the hospital,” Luke said. “I’m keeping it.”

“You’re going to carry it?”

“Yup. For him.” Luke looked at Sera. “You mind?”

“No,” she said. “I think—” Her throat tightened, and tears stung her eyes. She tucked her head down for a moment. When she could speak again, her voice was a whisper. “He’d like that.”

Luke nodded, his jaw clenching and eyes watering. Sera squeezed his arm, then looked around the crowded room.

So many people had come. And every time one of them glanced at Sera and Luke, they’d give them the Look. A tilt of the head, eyebrows drawn up and together, a slight frown. Sometimes there was a little head shake, too.
Poor Sera, poor Luke,
the Look said. She knew it was heartfelt each time, but already she hated it.

She didn’t deserve the Look. It was her fault he was dead. And each Look was a cold reminder. For Sera, this was a nightmare. One she could not wake up from.

The worst part? She never got to say goodbye. She didn’t get to tell him all the things she would have. Things she wanted to say right now. Things she wanted to say a year from now. Five years from now. Twenty years from now.

But she’d never get the chance because she hadn’t been there.

She’d put off meeting her dad to spend a couple of hours with a boy.
A
boy
. Something she never did. And look what it had cost her. If she hadn’t gone with Marc, if she’d just gone and met her dad as they had planned, he would be alive right now.

She should have been there.

It was her fault that their father was dead. And she didn’t know how she was going to live with that.

Marc walked into the room and Sera immediately looked the other way. What had she been thinking? Look what happened when she was distracted. And she could feel the pull of Marc. Even now, across the room. Her attention was drawn back to him over and over again. Rather than on the things that were really important.

She glanced at him. He’d nodded at Luke and headed toward them. He’d been around a lot the past couple of days. Hanging out with Luke, watching her from afar as she’d kept her distance. The expression she’d seen most often on his face when he’d looked at her was one of confusion. She hated doing this to him, but she just couldn’t be near him. Just couldn’t see him without being reminded that her father’s death was her fault.

As he slowly made his way through all the people, her heart sped up and her breathing shortened. No. She couldn’t do it. She could feel Marc getting closer and had to get away. Now.

“I’m going to go check on Mom,” Sera said, and stood up quickly.

“Want me to come?” Luke said.

“No, you stay. I’ll—” And Marc was there. Right next to her. Looking at her. His arm almost touching hers. She stepped to the side, started walking away. “—be back in a while.”

“Hey, Sera—” Marc called, but she didn’t turn back. She fought to keep herself from running away, bumped into some man in a dark brown suit, and wove her way through the crowd as quickly as she could.

Being in the middle of all these strangers, no matter how well meaning they were, didn’t really make her feel better. It was too much. She spotted her mom greeting people and hurried over to her.

“Mom?” she said as some woman, who looked vaguely familiar, let go of her mother’s hand and moved out of line. Her mom turned, took one look at her face and folded her into a tight hug.

“How’re you doing, sweetheart?”

“Okay, but,” she looked around, spoke quietly, “I can’t breathe in here.”

“Too many people?”

Sera nodded, her throat tight. How could she do this to her mom? Leave her in the middle of this. But she had to. She couldn’t stay in here another minute. “I’m going to walk down to the lake, okay? I’ll be back in a little while.”

Her mom pulled back, searched her face for a moment, then nodded. “Go. I’ll be fine.” She squeezed Sera’s hand, then turned back to the next person in line.

Sera had a miraculously clear path to the door from where she stood, and she practically ran out, ignoring all the looks she earned for her swift departure. Bursting through the doors, she inhaled the cool dry air. She felt better with just that one breath.

“Hey,” Luke said from behind her, startling Sera. She hadn’t heard him follow her out. “I’ll come too,” he said.

She looked at him and tears welled up in her eyes. He was always there when she needed him.

“You never listen,” she said.

“Nope. Good thing for you.” And he fell into step beside her.

She nodded, unable to speak. Once she got down to the lakeshore and soaked up the calm of the water she would be okay.

At least for a moment.

SEVENTEEN

S
era pushed the heavy metal door open and squinted in the bright afternoon sunshine. Students streamed out of the school all around her. She could feel their eyes upon her as they had been all day.

Her first day back and she and Luke were now the “ones whose dad died.” The teachers and some of the students had given her the Look all day long. So many others just quickly averted their eyes.

She was so tired of trying to avoid everyone—impossible in a school with a thousand other students—and pretending to be okay. She was exhausted and just wanted to get home and away from everybody.

Thankfully it was Friday and she wouldn’t have to come back for two days. She didn’t know how she was ever going to get back to feeling normal. It seemed as if she was never going to feel that way again.

She lifted her hand to shade her eyes and looked to see if Luke or Fey were at the car yet. She really hated being by herself amidst all these people.

Marc. Oh, no.

Leaning lazily against his car. In the sunshine. Waiting for her. Well, maybe. She didn’t know if he was actually there for her. Though when he smiled and waved, then watched her walk the entire way from the school to where their cars were parked side by side, she figured he was.

That set her heart to flinging itself against her rib cage. She did not want to do this, but she had to tell him. It was only fair and best to do it as soon as possible. But he had been so great over the past two weeks—helping out as much as he could. He had even been there to move furniture and boxes out of her dad’s apartment.