INTERNET DATES FROM HELL (21 page)
Read INTERNET DATES FROM HELL Online
Authors: Trisha Ventker
Descriptive Words
Instead of This: | Write This: |
Black | Noir, midnight |
Blond | Flaxen, golden, honey |
Blue | Sapphire, azure, lapis, cobalt |
Brown | Chestnut, almond |
Classy | Sophisticated |
Down-to-earth | Earthy |
Dreamer | Wanderlust |
Fat, full-figured | Large, plus size, Rubenesque |
Flirtatious | Charming |
Funny | Comical |
Gray | Salt and pepper |
Green | Emerald, sea green, turquoise |
Honest | Forthcoming, sincere |
Housewife | Domestic goddess |
Interested in … | Passionate about . |
Interesting | Fascinating |
Kind, likeable | Endearing |
Kinky | Open-minded, adventurous |
Love of life | Joie de vivre |
Marriage-minded | Commitment-minded |
Muscular, built | Buff |
Not living at home | Independent |
Positive thinking | Optimistic |
Pretty, attractive, hot, beautiful | Graceful, outstanding |
Red | Auburn, scarlet |
Rich | Self-sufficient, self-made |
Self-absorbed | Confident |
Sensitive | Empathetic, perceptive |
Short | Petite |
Skinny | Thin, slim, fit |
Smart, intelligent | Cerebral |
Tall | Statuesque (for a woman) |
Subj:
GREAT LOVER
Date: 11/19/2001 2:16:11 AM Eastern Standard Time
From: Daddy Warbucks
To: Follow Your Soul
Well, this is my last attempt at finding my soul mate if it’s you. I will officially be on a long vacation from meeting and dating if we don’t meet or click. About myself. I’m 42 never married no kids own my own house on the water, financially very secure, basically retired (not to brag but it’s a fact) 6 ft 3 in 265lbs. I’m bald in the middle of my head but I make up for it in brains and soul. If this bothers you then stop reading. If not we will click for other reasons. I’m very giving, unselfish, know how to have a good time and know how to be with someone when they’re sick. Been told I’m funny as well as a great lover. OK now what’s your story?
Subj:
domination
Date: 08/01/2001 3:59:57 AM Eastern Daylight Time
From: Houseslave9876
To: Follow Your Soul
i would like to introduce myself, i am a submissive looking to serve a dominant woman or a woman who has a dominant personality. i sincerely apologize if i have offended You. If this doesn’t interest You, please just discard this e-mail and i will leave You alone. If i still have Your attention, thank You for continuing. i am an experienced and obedient, service oriented submissive who would like to serve as your personal servant. i have been trained in the art of serving superior women in a nonsexual service capacity. i do all manner of domestic chores: cleaning, dishes, laundry, ironing, kitchen, bathroom, etc. i will clean your house or apartment spotlessly with no strings attached. i am also a serious masochist who enjoys suffering for Your enjoyment.
i have various interests in domination and submission and would love to speak to you if you are interested. Thank You for taking the time to read this letter and i hope i have the opportunity and chance to correspond with you and talk of common interests. Although i am submissive, i am not a wimp and not lacking in being a man. If You have no interest in men but want to have one serve You, then let’s talk, i would serve a lesbian or bisexual woman in any way You desire. If You are curious and want a man that would treat You like a queen, then let’s talk. If i’ve piqued your curiosity, please respond. You won’t be disappointed. Thanks!
Subj:
Marry Me?
Date: 2/22/2003 7:46:24 PM Eastern Standard Time
From: ProposalPete
To: Follow Your Soul
Marry Me?
OK, maybe that is a bit much too soon but I wanted to give you an idea of how much I loved your profile. You look beautiful and sound even better.
I am active and athletic, love to travel, cook, and be with my family who I love very much. I could appreciate you in many ways.
Please take a look at my profile and if I sound like the kind of guy you’d like to meet, please write back (please send a copy to [email protected]).
By the way, I am never sure how people react to my photo. I chose it because it says a lot about me. However, please bear in mind that I was on vacation and did not shave that day (some people thought I was a slop or had other odd comments).
Hope to hear back from you.
Ben
P.S. Regarding your photo…
WOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOW
Subj:
Yes—To Everything!!! (.politics aside)
Date: 2/24/2003 4:16:00 PM Eastern Standard Time
From: The Yes Man
To: Follow Your Soul
Dearest Ms “In NY” (or may I call you simply, “Girl Next Door”?)
To answer your question, “Do you believe in magic?”I’d like to think that maybe it’s just been borne upon me (no, I wouldn’t say that to everyone…and no, I’m not being medicated).
Your narrative stands out like few others. Though my own listing is somewhat more flippant, I truly value every sentiment you expressed. You sincerely sound quite like the person I’ve waited so long to share the world with.
In essence, your profile seems familiar to me from some months back (or maybe it’s just wishful thinking), but the photos and writings appear new and enhanced. After receiving notification and perusing your entry, I ran knocking at the doors adjacent to my apartment, then to the rest of the floor, then to the floors above and below me. The buildings next door were equally fruitless. I couldn’t find you anywhere!
Could it be that I live in the wrong building? Is there a vacancy next to you, into which I might now move? Do I have time to pack?.. .Or am I the latest victim of some devilish hide-and-seek game on the part of an Internet enchantress?!! (.OK, so I’m easily fooled!)
As you can tell, I am experiencing an extraordinary degree of interest and optimism in you. If you abandon all sense of proper judgment in return, you’ll be getting back to me shortly.
To looking forward!
The Yes Man
P.S.: I’ll just assume that you already know you have the most gorgeous images on the ‘net.
Subj:
SEXY
Date: 10/20/2001 12:45:00 PM Eastern Daylight Time
From: Worth It
To: Follow Your Soul
U R VERY SEXY GET BACK 2 ME AND WE’LL CHAT U WILL LIKE WHAT U SEE
Subj: great massage
Date: 10/05/2001 7:29:58 AM Eastern Daylight Time
From: Bodybuilderbod
To: Follow Your Soul
hi saw your ad. you look very pretty. i am a 6 ft. 3 in. 220 lb. bodybuilderb—lond hair. i would like you to invite me over and cook me a nice steak. in return i will give you a great massage. i am the best massager. not for five minutes like those other guys i mean for hours. after we can spend the night together. you don’t have to worry. all bodybuilders are safe. it’s the little guys you have to watch out for. you can see my photo at my website. e-mail me if you are interested or you can call me at (800) 5551212. Hercules
Subj:
Pen Pal
Date: 5/3/02 10:04:34 PM Eastern Daylight Time
From: Linette
To: Follow Your Soul
Hi my name is Linnette i am looking for some one who would like to be a pen pal to a friend of mine. I know this is a weird request but he needs some friends to write to him. He is a 27-yr-old Hispanic male and is in jail. He got caught up in a mess when he was younger and now is paying for it. he’s a great guy and is just looking for some-mail. If you would like to know anything else let me know and I will tell you what you want to know. Thank you!
