Intimacy & Desire: Awaken the Passion in Your Relationship
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Authors: David Schnarch
Tags: #Family & Relationships, #Marriage & Long Term Relationships, #Psychology, #Emotions, #Human Sexuality, #Interpersonal Relations
INTIMACY
&
DESIRE
ALSO BY DAVID SCHNARCH
Passionate Marriage
Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Emotionally Committed Relationships
Constructing the Sexual Crucible
An Integration of Sexual and Marital Therapy
Resurrecting Sex
Resolving Sexual Problems & Rejuvenating Your Relationship
&
DESIRE
AWAKEN THE PASSION
IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP
Dr. David Schnarch
Copyright © 2009 by Sterling Productions. All rights reserved. Printed in the United States of America. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews. For more information, contact Beaufort Books, 27 West 20th Street, Suite 1102, New York, New York USA.
www.beaufortbooks.com
.
The information contained herein is provided for informational purposes, and not intended as a substitute for advice or treatment that may or should be prescribed by a physician or therapist. Some sexual difficulties may be caused by medical problems. A thorough medical examination is always wise, and if you believe you have a medical problem, consult a doctor promptly. Before adhering to any information or recommendations given here you should consult your physician or therapist.
Case examples are composites of cases from clinical practice.
“Crucible®”, “Sexual Crucible®”, “Sexual Crucible Approach™”, “Crucible Approach™”, “Passionate Marriage®”, “Passionate Couples®”, “Four Points of Balance™”, “Solid Flexible Self™”, “Quiet Mind–Calm Heart™”, “Grounded Responding™”, “Meaningful Endurance™”, and “Resurrecting Sex™” are trademarks owned and pending by David Schnarch, Ph.D. Programs, trainings, services, and materials using these trademarks can only be provided by the Crucible Institute of Evergreen, Colorado and its authorized designates. Website:
www.DesireBook.com
First Paperpack Edition
Quotation from
The Self-Organizing Universe
by Erich Jantsch copyright Pergamon Press. Used with permission.
Lyric to “Eyes of the World” by Robert Hunter copyright Ice Nine Publishing Company. Used with permission.
Interior design: Neuwirth & Associates, Inc.
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Schnarch, David Morris, 1946
Intimacy & desire : awaken the passion in Your Relationship. / David Schnarch.
p. cm.
Includes bibliographical references and index.
ISBN 978-0-8253-0567-2 (alk. paper)
1. Intimacy (Psychology) 2. Desire. 3. Interpersonal relations. I. Title. II. Title: Intimacy and desire.
BF575.I5S36 2009
306.7—dc22
2009022161
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
This book is dedicated to five important people in my life:
Dr. Ruth Morehouse
The nicest woman I know. My wife
.
The central blessing in my life
.
Steve Schnarch
The nicest man I know. I am lucky to have him as my friend
.
I am blessed he is my brother
.
Dr. Barry Lester
My oldest friend. Child researcher extraordinaire
.
Friend to babies around the world
.
Dr. James Maddock
Brilliant theoretician. Wonderful man
.
His passing leaves a void in the field of sex & marital therapy
.
The Man Whose Impeccable Integrity Won’t Allow Me
to Mention His Name
In memory of a man who brought out the best in me
.
This book is about desire, and desire is about wanting. Many people have made me want to do better, and helped me do better:
My parents, Stan and Rose Schnarch, have given me so much, just by being the good people they are. They are decent people of integrity and good will. My work helps me appreciate just how lucky I am to be able to say that about my parents.
My wife, Ruth Morehouse, has walked with me through the crucible of marriage and never let go. Together we’ve learned a lot about sexual desire. She has mapped my mind and, somehow, still chooses to live with me. She lives inside me in ways that bring out the best in me.
My daughter, Sarah Morehouse, has done her job well, making me live what I say about the Four Points of Balance. She has helped me develop a Herculean ability to hold on to myself, or so it seems at my worst times. She makes me want to do better, and make the world better, because beauty and goodness gush out of her eyes when she smiles.
My brother, Steve Schnarch, holds me to high standards of integrity through personal example and helpful scrutiny. Whether we’re in the desert or the mountains, or dealing with everyday problems, Steve is often a step ahead of me. Excellence for its own sake is a good way of describing how he conducts himself as a carpenter and a human being.
My friends, Barry Lester, Lynn Legasse, Jim Maddock, Susan Regas,
Josh and Peggy Golden, and Resmaa Menachim have pushed, pulled, dragged, and supported me to function at a higher level. They open my horizons of what is possible and then they help me go there.
My clients lead me to new ways of seeing things through their refusals to grow, finally confronting themselves, and their successes. Students keep me on my toes “looking for the holes” and push me to find better ways to teach them. Professional colleagues and audiences around the world encourage me to make this approach more widely available. It’s fine with me if you consider this book an act of “pass it forward.”
Grateful thanks to my dear friend Carol Gable for introducing me to public relations maven, publishing veteran, and all-around good guy, Michael Wright, of Garson-Wright, who helped bring together the team of talented people (besides himself) who produced this book. These include Eric Kampmann, Margot Atwell, and Erin Smith at Beaufort Books, who immediately believed in this project. Trish Hoard, who’s a delight to work with, did a great job of polish editing the final manuscript. Jay Boggis and Oriana Leckert did the proofing. Melody Englund (Songbird Indexing) produced this book’s wonderful index, making its contents readily accessible. Amy King produced this book’s lovely cover on short notice.
My attorneys Marc Reisler (Holland & Knight) and Amy Berge (Greenbaum Doll & McDonald) do a wonderful job of looking out for my entertainment interests and intellectual property rights, respectively.
My hope, my wish, my desire is that you read this book, take action, and make your marriage and family (and community) a place of peace and joy. This is what you can do to revolutionize how we understand sexual desire. That is what I
want
. That is my heart’s desire.
Evolution is self-realization through self-transcendence
Erich Jantsch
Wake up to find out that you are the eyes of the world
Grateful Dead
|
PART ONE
|
WHY NORMAL PEOPLE HAVE SEXUAL
DESIRE PROBLEMS
1. There is Always a Low Desire Partner and the Low Desire Partner Always Controls Sex
There Is Always a “Low Desire Partner” and a “High Desire Partner”
2. Since Your “Self” Showed Up, Sexual Desire Hasn’t Been the Same
Biology, Environment, Culture, and Mind in the Evolution of Desire and Love
Co-Evolution: Mind, Brain, Body, and Relationship Are One Whole
The Crucible® Approach to Co-Evolution Through Love Relationships
3. The Low Desire Partner Usually Controls the High Desire Partner’s Adequacy
People Who Can’t Control Themselves Control the People Around Them
|
PART TWO
|
HOW WE CO-EVOLVE THROUGH SEXUAL
DESIRE PROBLEMS
Dependence on Other-Validated Intimacy Creates Emotional Gridlock
Monogamy Creates Low Desire in Poorly Differentiated Couples
Stronger Four Points of Balance Makes Monogamy Operate Differently
When Your Partner Becomes Too Important to You, Desire Problems Surface