Into the Blackness (Blackness Series Book 4) (43 page)

“I’ve still gotta talk to your mom.”

“I’m gonna head back to the training farm,” Jake says blankly.

What?

“What?” Kat whispers.

“It’s where I should be now that the op’s wrapped. I need to get back to training.”

“Jake we talked about this already. I don’t want that for you. I want you to have more than this. Jake, what’s goin’ on with you?” Kat asks with confusion in her voice.

Cara peals herself away from Jake, starting to understand our conversation.

“You’re not comin’ with me?” she asks, staring at the floor.

“You’ve got your family now, Cara. I need to get back to my job. The Kellermans, the boys, Nick and Kat will all make sure you’re all right.”

Something cold and dark is hanging over Jake’s head. If I didn’t know any better I’d say he was angry, but I don’t think that’s what I see in him. Cara lifts her head and looks into Jake’s face with a mask of…I don’t know how to describe it. She looks hollow, like a shell of a human being.

“I understand,” Cara says in a robotic voice before turning on her heel and walking up the stairs.

Jake watches her until he can’t see her anymore before turning his gaze back to us. He’s in pain. That wounded him and I have no clue why he did it.

“Jake,” Kat says with a plea for him to explain.

“I can’t be what she needs. I’m not what she needs. This is better in the long run. I wish I could go with you to Kansas City and play ball, but I’ve gotta be realistic. I’m not meant for that. I’m meant for this life. I love you guys. Thank you for adopting me and treating me like your flesh and blood. I’ll visit you as much as I can, but I’ve gotta go.”

I can hear soft sobs from Kat, but I keep my eyes on my son. Something happened that’s got him scared shitless. If he thinks I’ll just let him run away from us into the blackness that we’ve been working to pull him from, he’s got another thing coming.

“Kat, give us a minute.”

She nods and moves to Jake. Kat pulls him into her arms snugly and he returns the hug with defeat on his face. She whispers in his ear before pressing a soft kiss to his cheek then releases him. Her shoulders heave in silent sobs as she walks up the stairs.

“Tell me what’s really wrong,” I instruct, nodding for him to sit down on the bench I was just humping Kat on.

“I’m freaking the fuck out,” he huffs as he flops down.

“I’m gettin’ that. Why? Did something happen with Cara?”

I take a seat on the bench next to him holding his brown eyes with mine.

“Nothing’s really happened. She doesn’t talk much, but she hasn’t left my side. She feels so fuckin’ good there. I don’t have words to describe it. It’s wrong though. She’s seventeen and comin’ out of an extremely fucked situation. She needs help. I can’t help her. If I go to Kansas City and she’s there, I won’t be able to stay away from her. I’ve gotta go back to the farm.”

“I lost Shanny for twenty-two years,” I begin quietly and his eyes focus intensely. “When I found her she was moments away from bein’ raped. The girl that I fell in love with was alive and about to be raped right in front of my eyes. I can’t tell you what that was like, but I’m guessing you can imagine how horrific it was.

“So here I was an enforcer in a crime family, ten years running. What the hell could I offer Shanny? I was a monster and she’d been taken by my family. The worst part was I couldn’t even keep her safe. I slit that motherfucker’s throat, but she still got shot four times and died in my arms. The week I waited for her to come out of her coma was excruciating. Then when she woke up it was almost worse. I felt like she was wary of me and unsure where or if I’d fit in her life. At that point it didn’t matter. She was safe and alive…that was enough.

“That woman is somethin’ else. She refused to see me as the monster I saw myself as. Shanny let me be who I needed to be and never pushed for anything else. I got to be her best friend and stand by her side when she needed me. Little by little I started to believe that I was more than a murderer and torturer. Then I met you and Kat…I got something that I never thought I deserved. Then the boys came and I got everything I’d ever dreamed was possible in this life. Then Kat got pregnant and my life became real, no longer a dream. It was real for the first time in thirty-three years with you boys, a wife and a baby on the way. I finally got what Shanny was tryin’ to get me to see this last year. I’m not the monster, he lives within me, but I’m more than that. I’m a husband and a father…a protector.

“Don’t let the blackness of your past dictate your future, son. Let it shape you, carry the lessons, but don’t let it become everything you believe you are. You’re an amazing man, Jake. I’m proud of you. I’m proud to call you my son. If you need help, let me help you. Let Shanny help you like she offered in the hospital. Please don’t run into the blackness,” I urge him reaching out a hand, squeezing the side of his neck.

“I was bein’ honest in the hospital. I can’t breathe unless I shoot. This op has been excruciating for me without a rifle in my hand. How do I leave that behind? How do I just turn everything off that I know and walk into a normal life like it’s always been that way? I’m too fucked up to give Cara what she needs and that fuckin’ kills me. I wanna give her everything she needs. But what the hell can a man that still has to climb in bed with his mom after a nightmare offer anyone?”

The torment filling his deep brown eyes makes my chest hurt. I feel it like it’s actually happening to me.

“Don’t you dare fuckin’ do that,” I scold. “You’ll never heal if you beat yourself up for needing comfort and support. That’s why we don’t want you to go back to the farm. How can we give you the love and support you need if you’re halfway across the country from us? Leave Cara outta this for a minute. Jake, what do you need?”

“I need to shoot,” he whispers his eyes shimmering with unshed tears.

“Does that have to be for the DCA?”

“I think the government will have an issue if I just randomly start murdering people,” he snarks.

We both chuckle, releasing some of the tension.

“What if you just worked as a contractor for the agency? Instead of bein’ a full-time field agent, you could just take a few contracts a year,” I suggest with a tinge of hope in my voice.

“Does that job even exist in the agency?”

“We’ll talk to Shane about it. He’s got the ability to pull strings. I’ll call in every favor I’ve got comin’ to me in the agency to make this work if that’s what you need.”

“You’d do that for me?” Jake asks with disbelief in his voice, furrowing his brow.

“I’d do anything for you. I love you, Jake. You’re my son no matter how that came to be. You’re mine.”

The tears that were threatening his big brown eyes finally spill down his cheeks as he launches into my arms. I stand up and gather him tightly to my chest as sobs wrack his smaller frame. I hold him until he calms down before setting him back to arm’s length, forcing his gaze to mine with my fingers under his chin.

“I love you too, Dad,” he says strongly.

That’s the first time he’s called me Dad. The other boys jumped on it quickly, but Jake’s held back. Now my eyes are fighting the tears as I rip him back to my chest roughly.

“I still have a year of sniper training to complete,” he murmurs into my shoulder.

“I know. I can’t let you go for a year. I just got you, bud. Can’t do it.”

He snickers before stepping out of my arms, a small smile playing at his lips.

“I promise to call,” he says in a snarky teenager voice.

I tag him around the neck, leading him out of the gym to go find Shane and more importantly to form a plan for our future.

“You better fuckin’ call,” I say with a chuff.

Jake and I walk through an empty kitchen and up the stairs where I can hear the boys and Kat laughing and jacking around as tape screeches and rips, sealing up our lives. We enter the office to find Shane on the phone in professional mode, barking at people. He’s good at his job. He’ll help me figure out how to heal my son. I trust him with that job like he trusts me with Kat’s heart.

Nick

“A year to eighteen months?!” Kat shrieks at me from her dressing room as we’re getting ready for bed.

“He needs the training…you know this,” I respond with a small smirk. She’s hot when she’s flustered.

“Oh no you don’t. Don’t you dare try to placate me with sex. Pervert!” she shouts, heaving her bra at me. Not really a good incentive to not want to have sex with her.

“Showin’ me your tits isn’t the best way to turn off my hormones,” I chide, moving into the room.

“Well, tellin’ me you’re okay with sending my son away from me for a year and a half isn’t the road map to my pussy,” she sneers.

“I don’t need a road map, Sunshine. I have the route memorized,” I purr into her ear as I reach down and palm her naked ass cheeks. The red thong she’s wearing doesn’t really count as underwear…not that I’m complaining.

We haven’t mentioned the Bookers once in the house today. When it was done, it was truly done for us. Shane sent a team after Hoyt Burke and I’m sure he’ll be in custody before dawn. My only other loose end to clean up is my uncle. First I need to feel Kat’s warm body beneath me.

“Prove it,” she dares me.

I shoot her a cocky smile before lifting her onto her marble topped dressing island.

“Are you attached to these?” I question, tracing the top of her thong with my index finger.

“Not parti—” I cut her off, ripping the fabric away from her body. “—cularly.”

“Good,” I whisper as I push her down onto her back before pulling her hips off the edge and up to my face, draping her long slender legs over my shoulders.

I devour her pussy, thrusting my tongue in her fiercely. I move up to her clit when her thighs begin to clamp down on my head with a slight tremble. Arching her back so that only her shoulders remain on the cool white stone, she rocks against my face climbing toward her orgasm. I suck her clit deep before releasing it to press long soft licks across it.

“Yes, yes…fuck yes,” Kat moans as her come covers my chin.

I lower her hips and pick her up under her arms, dragging her naked sweaty body to mine. I drop my boxer briefs before commanding, “Wrap your legs around me.” Kat’s sex-hazed eyes sparkle with anticipation as she quickly complies. I spin her around and slam her against the wall before sinking her onto my straining cock. I set a punishing pace, thrusting long and hard. I feel her nails ripping the skin on my back as I pummel her mouth with my tongue in tandem with my dick in her tight pussy.

I grip her ass firmly, squeezing her soft cheeks as I drop my head to her neck nibbling and kissing her sensitive sweet skin. She nips my ear, causing a growl to thunder from my chest and my thrusts to increase making the wall shake. “Nicky,” she gasps as a violent quake travels through her entire body as she comes. I hammer away until I feel the tingle build at the base of my spine. Slamming home, Kat screams her way through another orgasm as I groan and grunt through mine.

Panting like we just completed a marathon, we hold each other close.

“I think you took a detour,” Kat heaves out, making us both to chuckle.

“I fuckin’ love you,” I stutter out through my laughter.

“Love you, Nicky,” she replies sweetly with love pouring from her hazel eyes.

I move us from the dressing room, Kat still wrapped around me. I lay her on the bed and devour her again, slow and sweet. We make love until we’re so exhausted that we fall asleep still attached, sweaty and tangled. Heaven.

He’s screaming. My legs are up and moving before the thought registers. I barely pull my underwear over my hips before I sprint up the stairs as Kat yanks my T-shirt over her head, following closely in my wake. We burst into the room to find Shanny holding her gun at the ready, Kellerman trying to assure her everything’s okay, the boys huddled around Jake and Cara standing in the corner watching with horrified eyes.

Kat throws herself on the ground and Jake curls into her like every other time. The boys turn helpless eyes at me and I offer them a sad smile. It hurts all of us. Kat rocks and shushes Jake as I crouch down to them.

“Come on, bud,” I say quietly, scooping his lanky frame into my arms.

I lock my eyes with Shanny’s bright greens as I walk past her. She’s schooling her features, but I see the recognition in her eyes. She can’t hide that turmoil from me. Shanny approaches us and I pause for a moment.

“You’re loved now, Jakey,” she murmurs into his blond mop before pressing a long kiss into it. The tension melts away from his body as I move us out of the room. I hear the boys rush into their rooms and back out before thudding down the stairs. As I lay Jake in the bed, the boys make up pallets on the floor and snuggle in as Kat runs into her dressing room to get on more appropriate sleeping attire. She launches herself into bed moments later and Jake clutches at her, painfully based on the wince on Kat’s face.

“Easy, son,” I whisper, reaching around Kat’s body and grasping his shoulder.

He nods into Kat’s chest and loosens his grip on her. I hold the two of them all night, wishing I could heal Jake through my touch, my love, my fury at whoever hurt him…something. It’s a restless night as I constantly reassure Jake while holding Kat. As the sun peeks through the curtains, wisps of gold dancing around the room, I squeeze Jake’s shoulder once more before rolling out of bed.