Into the Fire (Bridge Book 2) (19 page)

I continued throttling the bag and abusing my knuckles. I spoke through my clenched teeth. “Doesn’t matter now. I’m sure I’ll be back on the plan shortly. Go to a bar, get a few drinks, fuck a girl I don’t care about.”

An old tape, one that had lost its glimmer a long time ago. I could go out after work and find anyone to get Vanessa out of my system, but I knew it wouldn’t fucking work.

Meanwhile, she could do the same damn thing. Let Reilly finally take what he wanted from her. The scene played out in my head, and white rage cut through me.

I hit the bag as hard I could and stifled a groan when I felt a snap. Pain speared through my hand and ricocheted up my arm. Gritting my teeth, I slowly accepted what I’d done.

Stupid. You’re a stupid piece of shit.

I closed my eyes and let my head rest against the cool leather of the bag. I’d broken my hand. What was worse, I was destroying the only thing in my life that had ever really mattered. I was losing her. I might have already lost her.

I mumbled the lyrics from a sad old song that played from my speakers. My throat was froggy, and my eyes stung from all the tears I’d cried.

After about a half hour of bitching and crying, I convinced Eli I’d be fine even when I knew it was an outright lie.

I’d put on one of my mom’s old Bonnie Raitt albums, grabbed Beau, and stared at the ceiling.

Darren Bridge had campaigned for my heart, and then he’d thrown it away. He was an amazing lay and a total bastard.

I squeezed my eyes closed, willing away a fresh wave of tears.

I could still feel him inside me. My muscles already ached from being pounded against a desk. I’d feel him for days…

The memory was imprinted on my skin. Literally. I was still wearing marks from the incredible sex we’d had. Maybe that’s what he’d wanted all along. Worse, the memory was imprinted on my heart. I could only hope it would fade like the marks.

The phone rang, distracting me from my misery. My heart pounded unevenly when I thought Darren might call. Not that I’d answer.

It was an unknown number. I picked it up.

“Hello?”

“Vanessa?”

“Who is this?”

“It’s me, Michael.”

I hesitated a second. “Oh.” I’d completely forgotten about his call last week.

He cleared his throat. “Did you get my message?”

“Yes, I did. I’m sorry. I’ve been really busy.”

“No problem. I understand. I’ve been in town for a couple of days. I was hoping we could catch up.”

“Now’s not really a good time.” The inopportune timing of Michael’s reintroduction into my world compounded with the devastation I now felt, knowing my relationship with Darren was definitely over.

“Are you crying?”

I swallowed over the painful knot in my throat. “It’s been one of those days.”

“That sucks. I’m sorry.”

I sighed. “Me too.”

“Listen, I’m free after one tomorrow. Can I take you out? Buy you a drink or something?”

I shook my head, knowing he couldn’t see me. This really wasn’t a good time. But what could I say? If my mother found out I’d avoided him on his trip, she’d never let me hear the end of it.

“Sure, that sounds good. I have to run a couple of errands, but I can text you in the morning and we can coordinate something.”

“Great. I wish I could see you tonight. You sound like you could use a drink.”

I laughed weakly. “I definitely could, but I’m afraid that’s impossible.” I was in no position to be seen in public. I didn’t want to think about the wreckage that was my post-cocktail, post-fucked, post-breakup state. “I’ll text you tomorrow.”

“Sounds perfect. I can’t wait to see you.”

“See you then.”

I hung up quickly and tossed the phone onto the bed. Bonnie’s bluesy voice faded back into the speakers. I closed my eyes, letting the familiar sound soothe the ache of today.

I pushed thoughts of Darren away, making room for the broken faded memories of Michael. I hadn’t seen him in years. We’d cared for each other, once upon a time. We’d grown apart, making the betrayals a little less painful. I’d never held a grudge because he’d never sliced me open the way Darren had tonight.

Suddenly, the prospect of seeing Michael didn’t seem so terrible.

I
’d never felt
this kind of agony before. Trying to accept that I’d ended things with Vanessa was like a physical ache all through my body.

But…as miserable as watching her walk away from me was, maybe it was the best thing. After all, hadn’t we been doomed from the start? Maya had me pegged. Cameron knew I was bad news. Now Vanessa knew better than anyone.

I’d been so determined to make it work, to prove them all wrong. Why the hell had I pushed? I’d been chasing women half my life, and I’d never wanted a relationship. I’d never wanted to stake my claim over a woman so damn bad.

Having the right to meant I had to change.

I wanted to change, and I had. Even if I survived the torture of letting her go, I’d never be the same. There’d never be another Vanessa, and my heart wouldn’t take back its old shape. She was forever there.

The sad fucking truth was, I’d ache for her until I got her back. If she’d ever take me back. I’d given her no reason to. I’d been heartless and cruel.

After moping around my apartment most of the day, I headed for the gym. Maybe the familiarity there would give me a shred of solace.

Once there, I went through the motions. I couldn’t really challenge myself with my busted hand. Another painful reminder.

I cursed inwardly and headed back to the office to talk to Cam.

He was dressed in his workout gear. He looked up from the computer and then down at my hand. “What happened to your hand?”

I lifted it casually. “Messed it up at work. It’s nothing.”

He lifted an eyebrow and nodded slowly.

I sat down in the chair across from the small metal desk that filled most of the small office.

“What’s new? Anything I can help with?”

He shrugged. “I’ve just been trying to dot my i’s and cross my t’s for this proposal. The investor is ready to write the check for the expansion.”

“That’s great.”

“It’s only great if all the math is right.”

“You’ve pulled it off before. You’ll do it again.”

“Sure. Except this time I’ve got a gym to run and a thousand other things coming at me.” He blew out a breath.

For the first time, I actually felt sorry for him. I’d always been happy enough letting Cameron take the risks. I’d always have his back, but being a business owner wasn’t my thing. I had other priorities. A bunch of nothing filling up my life that now had been turned upside down by the most incredible woman I’d ever met.

“Cam, I’m sorry. I’ve been so caught up in my own shit I haven’t been helping as much as I should.”

He frowned. “No, it’s fine. It’s my job.”

Not like I’d given him any other choice. He’d had the balls to take the reins, and I’d let him. Now he was going to be a father. And what was I doing? I was part-time and probably causing more problems than I was solving.

I cleared my throat and traced the line of the bandage wrapped around my hand. “What do you think about letting me be an investor, a partner?”

He cast me a tentative look.

“You can’t keep doing it all on your own, Cam. You’ve got Maya now, and a baby on the way. If this all goes through like I’m sure it will, you’ll have two gyms to manage.”

“Maya’s been helping. I couldn’t have done all this without her.” He flipped through the hefty stack of paperwork.

“I’m glad, but her life’s about to change in a big way too.”

“That’s true. But where is this coming from? You’ve never mentioned it before.”

“I’m comfortable,” I admitted. “Too comfortable. I have everything I need, but I’ve never looked any further. Mom and Dad were always so focused on having and buying and keeping up with the neighbors. I never wanted a life like that. I know this is different. It’s a livelihood, but it’s also your dream. I’ve shared it, but I’ve shared from the sidelines.”

He drummed his fingers on the edge of the desk. “Is this about Vanessa?”

I worked my jaw. I hadn’t seriously thought about investing in the gym until about five minutes ago, but without a doubt, the thought of taking on a role that would make me worthy again in her eyes was there, under all of this.

“That’s probably part of it.” No point in lying.

“How are things going with her?”

I gnawed at the inside of my lip and avoided his stare. “Not very well.”

“And you think me giving you stake in the business is going to be a Band-Aid for whatever is going haywire now?”

“No. Maybe.” Yes. I was grasping at straws.

He sighed heavily and put his elbows on the desk. “Listen, I’m up to my eyeballs with this right now so we can break ground on the new gym on schedule. Why don’t we talk about it more when things settle down? For me, and for you.”

He might as well have said no, but I wasn’t giving up so fast.

“Cameron, I’ve got all the money from the trust fund they set up. I never touched it. I’ll put it all in. Run the numbers and figure out how much stake it’s worth. I trust you. You know this gym is like a home to me. I’ll do whatever you need me to do. I want to be all in.”

He rubbed the back of his neck and released a tired sigh. “I’ll think it over, okay? And in the meantime, you should figure things out with Vanessa. You look like shit. What’s going on anyway?”

“We’re taking a break.”

He rolled his eyes. “I thought you were in love with her. Now you’re taking a break?”

“I
am
in love with her. I punched her boss, and that didn’t go over real well.”

He grimaced and shoved a hand through his hair. “Fuck, Darren. Is he pressing charges?”

“No. He knows Dad, so he squeezed him for a mil to invest in his stupid hedge fund.”

“Typical.”

“Seriously.” I rested my elbows on my knees and let my head fall into my hands. “I’ve spent my whole life trying to carve out my own life. This is where I landed. I can’t give her the private jets and the wealth and the status. I hated that life, but I can’t help but feel like she deserves all of that. She grew up poor. She doesn’t see the world the way I’ve seen it.”

His expression was thoughtful. “Is that what she wants? The money and status?”

I shrugged. “I don’t know what she wants. She’s got this incredible voice, but she never uses it outside of a karaoke night here or there. She’s talented and smart, but she works long hours for a guy who treats her like crap and is pulling out all the stops to get in her pants. Why would she do it if it wasn’t about the money?”

“Have you talked to her about it?”

“A little. But…shit happened.”

I’d tried to call her a dozen times and abandoned my courage every time. I was too mixed up. I didn’t know what I’d say, or if any of it would matter now.

“I’m so fucked up over this, Cam. I’m sorry I wasn’t more supportive when you were having trouble with Maya. Now I know what it was like for you.”

Cam’s eyes took on a faraway look. “We went through a lot, but we made it.”

My jaw tightened, and emotion twisted inside of me. “I’m glad. I really am.”

“It’s not too late. If you love her… If you really want this to work, Darren, you have to fight for her.”

“She deserves better than me.” That was the truth.

“Maybe she does, but my gut tells me you’re the only one she wants.”

I’d arranged to meet Michael at a little Thai restaurant in Brooklyn that had amazing takeout. I was camped out at a table in the front of the restaurant when he walked in. Like most things in Callaway, Michael Browning hadn’t changed at all, from his even tan to his neatly trimmed blond hair tucked under his university baseball cap. He wore a polo shirt and blue jeans.

I rose when he saw me. He gave me a long hug that could have made me uneasy but didn’t.

“It’s good to see you,” I said, surprised at how much I meant it. I pulled away.

Michael was a friendly face, and the hatchet had been buried long ago. I wasn’t sure suddenly why I’d dreaded this moment so much.

“Good to see you too. Damn, you look great.”

His slight accent brought back old memories. I’d really been living in a different world, and Michael was a very long way from home.

We settled at the table and ordered drinks.

“What’s good here?” he asked.

“Basically everything. But you can’t go wrong with pad thai.” I studied the menu, hopping between my go-to favorites.

“You sounded pretty rough last night. I was worried I wouldn’t get to see you. Everything good now?”

“Yeah,” I lied, plastering on a smile. “Everything’s good. So tell me about Callaway. What’s new? I haven’t been back in ages.”

“I’m running for mayor. If you can believe that.”

I laughed. “Mom told me. That’s crazy. She says you’re going to win. I know you’ll get her vote.”

“She’s a sweetheart. Always was. She talks about you every time I see her.”

The mention of my mom made my heart twist a little. “I miss her. I can’t get her up here very often.”

“That’s too bad. The city’s great. Never been until now, but I can see what drew you here.”

The waiter came then, breaking what was about to be a potentially awkward moment.

New York had been our breaking point. He was never going to leave Florida, and I was never going to stay. We’d loved each other, but our dreams were too different, our paths too far apart.

We talked for a long time. I talked about work like I was living the dream, because I couldn’t give him the satisfaction of knowing I’d sacrificed our future for a life I didn’t love. He gave me the latest gossip on everyone back home. Girls who’d been bitches to me getting embroiled in local scandal. His old football buddies who were still his buddies. The weather, which I admittedly missed.

After an hour, the conversation wound down. I was tired. I had enjoyed seeing Michael, but deep down I really wanted to be with someone else. If I couldn’t be with that person, I’d settle for Eli, stuffed Beau, and a bottle of wine. We packed up our leftovers and walked out together.

Michael turned to me, looking at me in a way that I remembered used to make me warm all over.

“Thanks for meeting up with me, Vanessa. This was really great.”

I swung my bag back and forth a little, anxious for good-bye. “Thank you for coming all the way to Brooklyn and saving me a trip.”

“My pleasure.” He took my hand and rubbed this thumb across my knuckles. “I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want to bring you back with me though.”

Maybe I should have been happy to have the company of someone who wanted me in the wake of what I’d been through with Darren. Once upon a time, I might have jumped on that invitation and justified a one-night reunion with a man I’d once loved. Memories and warmth glittered in Michael’s eyes, but it wasn’t enough. He could never be Darren. Michael’s touch and his presence only made me want Darren’s more.

“Michael, I’ve been seeing someone. I’m sorry.”

He nodded and released my hand after a moment. “I understand.”

“Thank you.”

He put his hands in his pockets and rocked back on his heels. “Do you ever think about us?”

I laughed softly. “My mom is still holding out hope that I move back to Callaway and become Mrs. Michael Browning. So yeah, can’t help but think about us sometimes.”

He laughed. “We had a good time.”

“Most of it was really good, yeah.”

His smile faded, and he scuffed his shoe on the sidewalk. “I lost you.”

“We lost each other, Michael. I think that happens when two people who aren’t supposed to be together try too hard.”

My heart hurt when I said the words, because I could have said the same thing about Darren and me. Were we trying too hard?

Michael exhaled heavily and stared up at the night. “God, maybe you’re right. Seems like all I remember is the good stuff. It was always easy with you.”

Easy and comfortable. That’s what had made it stifling too. He was everything I should have wanted, but I knew I couldn’t have been happy spending forever with Michael. Here or there.

Michael was sweet and charming, and his heart was in the right place. But he’d never sock someone in the nose for me. My mom would probably think that was a good thing, but deep down I wanted a man who’d lie in the street to protect me. Someone who’d fight for me, even if his passion got a little bit ahead of him at times.

Because being in love with the wrong person was like experiencing life without one of my senses—the one nameless sense that makes all the others more intense. Michael was a good guy, but he didn’t set my heart on fire the way Darren did. I’d risk getting burned again to feel that way. To feel that kind of love with all my senses.

We hugged good-bye, and I knew it would be a long time before I saw Michael again. I wished him well and went home, my heart no lighter.

I stopped dead in my tracks. Ian was already several feet ahead by the time he realized he was walking alone.

“Dude. We’re not there yet. Let’s go.” He started to circle back.

But I couldn’t move. Across the street, Vanessa was standing under a restaurant canopy. She wasn’t alone.

“Vanessa.” Her name left my lips in a murmur, but I wanted to shout it.

Ian squinted and then looked back to me. “Okay. No big deal. Let’s keep moving.”

He slapped my shoulder, but instead of following Ian to our destination, I started moving in her direction.

“Whoa, whoa. What do you think you’re doing?” Ian put his hand on my chest to halt my journey into the street.

“I’m going to talk to her.”

“I don’t think so. You look like you’re out for blood.”

He might have been right. I was already half in the bag. I’d convinced Ian to switch bars with the hope that maybe I’d see her at the place where we’d reunited weeks ago. I’d called her a few times, but every time the call went to voice mail. She was done with me. I knew it.

Ian slung his arm over my shoulder. If I was half in the bag, he was at least three-quarters.

“I’m telling you this as a friend. Not because I fundamentally disagree with your decision to date. But you’re going to get your ass in a world of trouble if you walk across the street right now. Because she”—he pointed to where she stood talking with the man I didn’t recognize—“does not want to see you right now. That I can guarantee you.”