Into the Storm (10 page)

She nodded in quiet understanding, her eyes sad. “Agoraphobia?”

“
Yes.”

“
You can leave your house though?”

I nodded. “It took a long time before I could. Lots of counseling. And Bear. He helped me. He needed to go out and I didn’t want him lost, so I had to go with him. But I never leave the property. I’m not sure I ever will.”

Rabbit was quiet. “I … I know who you are.”

I pulled back and looked at her. “What?”

“
I saw the awards on your shelves while you were making dinner and I was putting away the medical books you left out. I saw your books on the bottom shelf. I’ve read all of them, Joshua. I know you’re a mystery writer. A very good one.”

I looked at her. Her gaze was soft and accepting.

I shrugged. “I suppose it was only a matter of time before you figured it out. I wasn’t trying to hide it. It’s just … well; J.B. Bennett is my professional persona.
He
doesn’t live here. Joshua does.”

She nodded. “I understand, Joshua. I won’t say anything. When I leave. Your secret is safe.”

My stomach tightened at her declaration.

When she left.

Because she would. Even she acknowledged that. The storm would end, the road would be plowed and she would leave. And, I would stay here and continue with my life. She would figure out her past, pick up the pieces of her life and move on. Those were the facts.

Suddenly, the room was too warm, and Rabbit was too close.

I pulled away and got out of bed.

“
Joshua? What’s wrong? What did I say?”

I shook my head. “Nothing. I’m thirsty and need a drink. Go back to sleep.”

“
Are you coming back?” her voice was sad.

“
No.”

I didn’t look back before I walked away.

Chapter Nine

Joshua

The rest of the night passed slowly. I didn’t even bother trying to sleep, as my mind went back and forth. In the early hours of the morning, the storm finally broke and the wind died down. I stood at the window watching the sun break, gazing at the vast amount of snow that had fallen. The world was white as far as the eye could see. Tree branches were weighed down heavily and ice was visible on the electric wires that I could see towards the one end of the property. I knew I would probably be without communication or power for at least a couple of weeks, maybe more. Mentally, I was going through the gas supply I had left compared to how long I thought it would be before I could get any delivered, when I heard a noise behind me.

I turned to see Rabbit hesitating in the kitchen, unsure if she should come any closer. She looked as exhausted as I felt. Bear stood beside her, eyeing me with utter disdain.

Traitorous dog.

I was exhausted and not in the mood for any kind of confrontation, even though I knew one was about to happen. “I made coffee,” I said, turning back to the window.

She nodded and retreated into the kitchen. I sighed and looked out into the vast white world again. I had to talk to her. I needed to stay away from her. And to do that, I had to get her to want to stay away from me.

A mug of coffee appeared before me. I thanked Rabbit and took a sip of the hot liquid, casually stepping away from her. “Storm is over.” I pointed out the window. “I’ll start plowing in a while.”

“
Can I help somehow?”

I shook my head. “No. I don’t like Bear out when I am driving the plow so he can stay inside with you.”

“
Joshua?”

“
Hmm?”

“
What did I do last night? Why did you leave?” she asked nervously.

I sighed. I sat down on the chair and indicated she should sit on the sofa. I couldn’t sit beside her. Already, I could feel myself wanting to reach out and touch her. Make her smile. If I was close, I wasn’t sure I could resist.

“
You didn’t do anything, Rabbit,” I assured her. “I did.”

“
I don’t understand.”

“
I crossed the line last night. I shouldn’t have done that.”

“
Talking to me? Telling me about your attack?”

I shook my head sadly. “No, I don’t regret telling you that. Kissing you.”

“
You regret kissing me?”

I couldn’t look her in the eye and lie, so I stared at the floor. “I shouldn’t have done that.”

She looked at me for a minute, puzzled. “I wanted you to kiss me, Joshua. We kissed each other.”

My heart clenched a little, hearing her say that. But I had to continue.

“
Rabbit, you don’t know what you want. You’re confused and lost. You have no idea who you are.” I drew in a deep breath. “I have no idea who you are.”

Her voice was quiet. “What are you saying?”

“
You could be married, Rabbit. There could be someone out there looking for you. You have a whole life you don’t know anything about. Right now, you’re struggling and I took advantage of that.”

Her eyes narrowed. “And I might not have anyone in my life.” She pulled the sleeve of her shirt up exposing the bruises staining her skin, “Or maybe the person in it did this.”

I averted my eyes. “That’s the problem, Rabbit. We don’t know. I have no right to add to the problem.”

“
The problem
? I’m a problem again?”

I stood up, walking over to the window. “No, Rabbit, you’re not a problem. My … attraction … to you is, and acting on it only complicates an already confusing situation.” I turned around and looked at her. “You need to rest and recover. I need to work. I think it’s best if we just try and stay away from each other as much as possible.”

“
What if that isn’t what
I
want?”

“
What do you think you want, Rabbit?”

“
To be close to you. To get to know you.”

“
To what end?”

“
I … I’m attracted to you as well, Joshua. You make me feel safe. I thought about this all night. I don’t feel like there is anyone. I don’t have a wedding ring; I don’t have any longings for someone like I am missing them. If I had someone, wouldn’t I feel something? Some sense of someone?”

I wanted to tell her she was right. I wanted to tell her she was safe. But I couldn’t.

“
You don’t know what you’re feeling. And I make you feel safe because, right now I’m the only person you have to depend on. That’s all.”

“
Don’t tell me what I’m feeling,” she snapped at me.

“
I’m trying to stop a huge mistake from happening, Rabbit. One that neither of us could take back,” I snapped back.

“
And, you’re so sure it’d be a mistake?”

“
Yes.”

“
Why?”

I ran my hand through my hair in vexation. She wasn’t going to let this go. I straightened my shoulders and stared at her steadily.

“
Because you want a relationship.”

“
And you don’t?”

“
No.”

“
What do you want?”

I kept my voice flat. “I just want to fuck someone.”

She stepped back in shock.

“
But last night you said …”

I laughed humorlessly. “Don’t you get it, Rabbit? I’m a man I’ve been alone for a long time. I’m attracted to you because you’re a woman. Nothing more. And last night? Words. I’m good with words. I’m a writer, remember? It worked didn’t it? I could have had you so easily …” I sneered at her.

Her hand flew to her mouth. I watched her eyes fill with tears of hurt. I went in for the kill.

“
Is that what you want, Rabbit? A couple of weeks of mindless, meaningless sex with a stranger? Then you can go back to your life and pretend it didn’t happen? Will you be able to look your husband or boyfriend in the eye when they tell you how much they love you and how happy they are you’re back? I’m happy to accommodate if that’s what you’re after.”

She shook her head, the tears coursing down her cheeks.

I turned my back before I broke down in front of her.

“
Just stay out of my way. I won’t take advantage of you anymore. As soon as the roads are clear, I’ll make sure you get to a hospital or police station.”

I heard the sound of her feet as she ran from the room.

My shoulders sagged.

She’d stay away from me now, for sure.

I came in from clearing the front of the house. I’d been at it for a couple of hours and I needed a break. The house was utterly silent. I hung up my wet clothes and went into the kitchen, passing the closed bedroom door. Nothing had changed or moved. Obviously, she hadn’t come out. I made a sandwich and hesitated. Should I offer her one? I looked over at Bear who was by the hearth and continuing to ignore me. I sat and ate, not even tasting what I was chewing. Not caring how it tasted, I just heated up some of the leftover coffee. Now that the snow had stopped, the temperature had dropped and it was cold out. I just needed the warmth. I added some logs to the fire and sat looking at the flames. I glanced towards the hall. Would Rabbit think to add logs and not let the fire go out?

I shook my head. Fuck. I didn’t want her cold or hungry. I just needed to stay away from her before I allowed something to happen that she might regret. If we acted on our impulses and it turned out she was married, she would regret it. I knew she would torture herself for it. I would rather she hate me, than carry that kind of guilt around.

I stood up and made another sandwich. Then, I went down the hall and knocked on the door. There was no answer but I opened it and went in. Rabbit was sitting in the chair by the window, with a blanket and a book. She stared at me wordlessly as I walked in. I placed the sandwich on the table beside her and went over to the fireplace, adding logs. “Don’t let the fire go out, Rabbit. We need it.”

She said nothing. I stood up and went over to my closet and grabbed some more dry clothes. “I don’t expect you to stay holed up in here. You can go anywhere you want it the house. And eat. You need to keep up your strength.”

Still nothing. I sighed and looked over at her. She was staring down at her book. She was incredibly pale and drawn-looking. My heart lurched at the sight of her suffering. I softened my voice. “I’ll be in and out all day, and probably tomorrow, working on the snow. You don’t have to stay in here.” I paused, but there was no response. “Are you in pain? Do you need some pills?”