Iorich (37 page)

If there were justice, I’d be dead.

Various scenes had to be deleted for length or content. I thought some of you might be interested in them. They may appear when I release the Director’s Cut of this book. But don’t hold your breath.

—SKZB

I pulled the arrow from my eye, hearing myself scream. At that moment, a blast of magic from one of them hit me, and I saw my leg fly off at the knee. I fell to the ground, reaching for Lady Teldra, but one of them came in with an ax and took my right hand off at the wrist.

The air seemed to take on an odd golden shimmer, and I heard the Necromancer’s voice come out of nowhere. “Through the Gate, Vlad. Hurry!”

“Uh, what?”

“You have to get out of here, Vlad. You’ve landed in a Tim Powers novel.”

I moaned even as I felt the Gate form.

Hard gray walls appeared around me, and I heard voices speaking a language I didn’t know. “Am I going to be safe here?”

“Well,” she said, “Not, you know,
safe
exactly.”

“Whose novel are we in now?”

“Uh . . . John DeChancie’s, Vlad. Best I could do on short notice.”

I whimpered. “You couldn’t manage Louisa May Alcott?”

“I’m glad you’ve offered,” said the Empress. “Yes, there is a service you could do.”

“I’m listening.”

“Far, far to the East—well beyond the kingdoms you know—there is ancient evil that is gathering power to itself. Its power comes from an Amulet of Evil that dates back to before the beginning of time. The power of the Amulet grows with each act of cruelty, or thoughtlessness toward another, or abuse of power, or greed. The sell-out of the writers’ strike didn’t do it any harm either. Soon it will become unstoppable, and using it, the ancient evil will enslave the entire world forever. You must destroy the evil, and take the Amulet and cast it into the Place Beyond Time.”

I nodded. “All right.”

It took six weeks to get there and an hour to do the job. Fortunately, I was able to teleport back.

“It is done,” I told Her Majesty.

“Thank you, Lord Szurke,” she said. “Evil has been banished forever.”

“Until the sequel, you mean.”

“Of course.”

I shrugged. “Just proving I’m willing to serve Your Majesty.”

“Well met, friend.”

I looked around, and noticed a splotchy brown cat on the landing just above me. I stared at it.

“Something wrong?” it said.

“What the hell are you?”

It rolled its eyes. “This is a fantasy novel. I’m the obligatory talking cat. Get a clue.”

“Boss, can I—”

“Sure.”

When Loiosh and Rocza had finished their meal, we continued up the stairs.

“Boss, isn’t there supposed to be a scene here making fun of the old ‘weapons that drink souls’ thing that always comes up in bad fantasy novels?”

“Loiosh, in case you haven’t noticed, there are weapons that drink souls in
these
books.”

“Oh. Yeah. Good point. Guess we stay away from that one, huh?”

“Probably best.”

“Maybe I’ll go walk up to the cottage and ask for sanctuary,”
I said. “
And then maybe monkeys will fly out of my butt.
Wait. I wouldn’t say that.”

YOU JUST DID.

“I don’t care. I wouldn’t say that. It isn’t even a Dragaeran idiom.”

IT IS NOW.

“That’s stupid. There aren’t any monkeys here.”

SO NOW YOU’RE AN EXPERT ON DRAGAERAN FAUNA?

“I didn’t say that. Don’t put words in my mouth.”

THAT’S WHAT I DO.

“Yeah, you and Tom Cruise. Just lose the monkey bit, okay?”

I LIKE IT.

“You also like it when I figure out how to get out of those messes you put me in. Now, you want me on your side, or not?”

YOU WANT TO BE ALIVE AT THE END OF THIS BOOK, OR NOT?

I sighed.
“Maybe I’ll go walk up to the cottage and ask for sanctuary,”
I said.
“And then maybe monkeys will fly out of my butt.”

I cut through the park, smiling at all the butterflies. I started skipping. It was such a beautiful day. A puppy barked playfully at me and I stopped to pet it. It seemed so happy, I couldn’t help but sing a cheerful song to it before I went on my way, still skipping.

“I have something to tell you.”

“How, you have something to tell me?”

“You have understood me exactly.”

“Well, I am listening.”

“Listening? Then, you wish me to tell you?”

“Yes, that is it. I am listening, and therefore I wish you to tell me.”

“Shall I tell you now?”

“No.”