Irresistible Forces (29 page)

“I don't hate you, Steve,” she said quietly for once. “I'm just unhappy.”

“So am I,” he said sadly. The next day, he was waiting for her when she came home from work. And just like the old days, he had cooked her dinner. And as he poured her a glass of wine at the end of the meal, he told her what he had decided. “I'm leaving, Merrie,” he said gently, and sounded more like the man she remembered. She hadn't seen him like this in two months. They had been savages to each other. But there was just too much distance and disappointment.

“Leaving for where?” She looked confused. But he no longer did. He had finally come to a decision, and he wasn't happy about it, but he felt better.

“I'm going back to New York.”

“When?”

“Tomorrow.”

“Tomorrow? Why?” She looked dumbstruck.

“Because it's over. We both know it, and neither of us had the guts to do anything about it. This doesn't work, for either of us. I don't know what you're going to do about your job. That's up to you, if it's not working out. But I can't stay here anymore. And we can't stay married.”

“Are you serious?” She was stunned. She had been beating on him like a punching bag, but it actually hadn't occurred to her that he would leave her.

“I'm very serious.”

“What about your job?”

“I quit this morning. I'd be more useful rolling bandages for the Red Cross. Believe me, they won't miss me.”

“Are you going back to the trauma unit?”

“I don't think so. I called some people in New York today. I want to look into doing some pro bono stuff for a while, maybe in underdeveloped countries, or in this country somewhere, like Appalachia. I don't know yet. I'll talk to them when I get back, and see where they could use me.”

“You hate that kind of stuff,” she reminded him, and he smiled sadly at her. She was still so beautiful, but she wasn't his any longer. He had lost her when she left New York, and he never knew it. But he knew it now. And he was finally willing to face it. He had to.

“I think I've grown up,” he said quietly. “I think I'd like to do that kind of work for a while, and feel like I'm putting something back into the human race, and not just patching up broken bodies.”

“But what about us?”

“I don't think there is an ‘us’ anymore. In fact, I'm sure of it. That's why I'm going.”

“I don't want you to go,” she said, as tears started to roll down her cheeks, and she reached out to him with a look of panic. He was all she had in the world, she had no family, and no friends here. And she didn't have Cal anymore. She had no one. She had Steve, and he was telling her it was over. It was a terrifying feeling.

“I can't stay here, Merrie. It's not good for either of us.”

“Do you want me to quit my job and come with you?” she asked and he shook his head.

“No, I don't. You have a life here. I don't. I'll always be there for you. Wherever I am, if you need me, I'll come running. You don't forget fifteen years, Merrie. But I can't do this anymore. It's over.” He sounded calm and relieved and he knew that when she adjusted to it, she'd be relieved too. “I'm sorry, babe,” he said softly.

“Don't leave me,” she whispered.

“Don't say that.” He walked around the table and put his arms around her, but he could not be swayed by anything she did or said or offered.

“When are you going?” she asked him again.

“Tomorrow morning.”

“What about our investments, and your share of the apartment money? You can'tjust disappear. We have to figure all that out. Have you called a lawyer?” She was in shock over what he was saying.

“No, I haven't called a lawyer. You can do that whenever you want to. And I don't want to figure out anything, on our investments or the apartment. You made that money, I didn't. It's yours. I don't want anything, Merrie. I wanted you. But that's all over.”

“I can't believe this,” she said, horrified by what he was saying. “Do you really mean it?”

“I do. We should have done this months ago when you were finding excuses not to come to New York. I didn't want to see what had happened, and I don't think you did either.” He didn't ask her if there was someone else, although he was beginning to suspect there might have been. But there wasn't now. She seemed as lonely and unhappy as he did. And he didn't tell her about Anna. It was no longer important, and he didn't want to hurt her. For him, the marriage was over, and Anna was a thing of the past, and had never impacted on their marriage. If anything, she had inspired him to save it. But he knew now that nothing could have done that. It was a relief to finally know it.

Meredith lay in his arms and sobbed that night and she called in sick to work the next morning. She stayed with him until he left, and it was a terrible moment when he walked out of the apartment. She was crying piteously, and he held her for a long time, and then finally said he had to go. He didn't want to miss his flight, and there was a cab downstairs, waiting to take him to the airport.

“I love you, Steve,” she cried. “I'm so sorry.” She was almost incoherent.

“So am I.” He kissed her one last time, picked up his bag, and hurried down the stairs to the cab. And as she watched from the window, he waved, and then was gone, as she stood staring in disbelief. Fifteen years of her life were over. And she had no one now. Not Steve. Not Cal. No one. Just herself to rely on. Steve had walked off to a new life. And as she stood there, looking out the window, she felt as though she had nothing.

Chapter 20

M
EREDITH STAYED HOME
from work for two days, and when she finally went back, she was unusually quiet. Callan was as disagreeable to her as he always was now, and she said nothing to him. Her personal life was no longer his problem. And she had nothing to say to him, except about what concerned his business.

As the shock of Steve's departure settled a little bit, she began to realize he had been right. They had been carrying a dead body around for seven months, and it needed to be buried.

And as she calmed down, she felt better able to deal with business. Steve had called from New York, to make sure she was all right, and he said he was staying with friends, and left her the number. But as lonely as she felt at night, she didn't call him. He had a right to his new life, and she knew she needed to recover.

She was thinking of quitting her job at Dow Tech and going back to New York. But she had decided to wait a month, and see if things got any better with Callan. He still seemed angry with her, but she was firmer with him now, and when he was unreasonable with her, she pushed back, and he was slowly backing off and getting the message. The respect that they had once shared seemed to be returning, if not the friendship.

And three weeks after Steve left, he asked her to help him entertain some analysts from London. She wasn't anxious to go out with him at night, but he said he was taking them to dinner in the city, and it was easy for her to join them. He told her he'd made a reservation at Fleur de Lys, and he'd pick her up on the way. She said she'd rather meet him there, but he insisted.

The dinner went very well, and he seemed to relax. She wore a new dress, and had her hair cut that morning, and she was finally beginning to feel like her old self, not the one who'd been in love with Cal, but the person she'd been even before she'd met him. And he seemed to sense it. He was respectful of her at dinner that night, and almost pleasant, but not quite. And after dinner, he drove her back to her apartment.

“How's Steve?” he asked politely as he pulled up in front of her building. “Does he like his new job?”

“Very much,” she answered, and thanked him for dinner.

“How are the kids?” she asked, and he said they were leaving in a few days to spend a month with their mother. It was late June and school was out. She didn't tell him how much she had missed them, or ask if they'd inquired about her. His children were no longer any of her business, just as her life wasn't his. They were simply employer and employee now.

“Are you enjoying living in the city?” he asked her as she started to get out.

“The commute is a little rough, but I like the apartment.” It was a lie too. But he had no right to the truth now. There were a lot of new things she had to get used to. Being alone. Being divorced. She had called a lawyer and started divorce proceedings. It was all very simple. Steve wanted nothing from her. He had walked away empty-handed, and preferred it that way.

“I'd like to see your apartment sometime,” he said, as he walked her to the door of the building, and she wanted to ask him why, but didn't.

“You'll have to come by for a drink the next time you're in the city.” But it was only idle conversation. She had no intention of inviting him anytime in the future.

“Which one is it?” he asked, looking up. It was a fairly pleasant building in Pacific Heights, but nothing special.

“The top floor,” she said, and then realized it was dark.

“Is Steve at work?”

“No, he's in New York,” she said honestly, and then decided that it didn't matter if he knew the truth now. It was over between them. “Actually,” she hesitated for a fraction of an instant, “he doesn't live here anymore. We're getting divorced. He left last month. He's in New York right now. He's going to do pro bono work in an underdeveloped country.” Callan looked as though she'd slapped him.

“Why didn't you tell me, Meredith?”

“I didn't think it was important.”

“It would have been once,” he reproached her. He looked hurt that she hadn't told him, but it told him something. It told him that she expected nothing from him, and she didn't.

“That was three months ago, Cal. And we had an agreement. Whenever Steve came back, the affair was over. You never said you wanted more than that. I didn't want to press myself on you when he left.” And she had realized since Steve was gone that she didn't want just an affair again, she wanted more than that, a real life, with a man who wanted to make a commitment. “I didn't think it was right to call you when Steve left. And you've been pretty angry at me since it ended.”

“I was hurt. And I was mad at myself for being so stupid. I was afraid to commit, Meredith. And maybe it was easier to let you go back to him, no matter how much I loved you. Besides, you needed to do that.”

She nodded. She couldn't deny that.

“And if I hadn't? What would have been different? You don't believe in commitment, Cal. You said so yourself. I respect that.”

“It must have been a rough three months,” he said gently, without challenging what she'd said about his feelings about commitment. But what he had said about loving her brought tears to her eyes, and she didn't want him to see them.

“It was rough. But I learned a lot. Not only about Steve, but about myself, who I am, and what I want.” Something about her had softened in the past three months, and he could sense that.

“What do you want, Merrie?” he asked, watching her carefully. She seemed different to him, and he liked it.

“I want a lot of things. Honesty, somebody, and something real. What I did was wrong. And I paid a price for it. A big price. But I know that I'm willing to be there for someone, and I want someone to be there for me. Not just for the good times.” She smiled at him, but from a great distance. “I might even want kids one day. You were probably right about that. I don't think it was ever right with Steve, or not for a long time anyway. We were too different, and I think I knew that.” And then she surprised him further. “I'm thinking of going back to New York. I was going to talk to you about it in a few weeks. I don't really belong here.”

“I thought you loved it here.” He looked personally wounded as they stood talking on the sidewalk.

“I thought so too. But I think it was a bad decision to come out here.” It had cost her her marriage. They might still have been married if she'd stayed in New York, but it was too late for that now. She had felt compelled to come out, and she and Steve had been pulled apart by irresistible forces.

“I think you'd be wrong to go back there,” he said firmly.

“Don't worry, I'll give you plenty of notice, Cal. Not like Charlie.”

“I know you would. I was thinking of you when I said it.”

“I'll let you know what I decide.”

“I want to be part of that decision. Let's talk about it.”

“Let's not,” she said quietly. “We don't have a lot to talk about, do we?”

“I thought we were friends.” He looked hurt by what she had said to him, and confused by everything she had told him. It was a lot to digest at one sitting.

“I thought so too,” she said quietly. “Maybe we weren't.”

“You did some wonderful things for me, Merrie. Not just for my business, for me. I was very upset when you went back to Steve. You know that.”

“I know,” she said sadly. “You had a right to be. I'm sorry I put you through that.”

“I knew what I was doing. I just didn't know how it would turn out. Neither did you. I actually thought it would work with you two. I'm surprised it didn't.”

“I missed you too much,” she smiled at him, honest with him. “I changed too much once I left New York. I did a lot of growing up here. Some of it thanks to you.”

“So I gather. Would it be inappropriate if I asked you what you're doing tomorrow night for dinner?”

“Not inappropriate,” she smiled, “but probably foolish. We've already been there. We've given it up. We've gotten over it. Why do it?”

“Because I want to talk to you.” He looked intense as he said it.

“Let's not do that. What would we talk about, Cal? Your hatred of commitment? The reasons why two people shouldn't trust each other, and can't count on each other? I don't want to talk about that. I've heard it. I got it. We've had our time. We've done it. We've both moved on. Let's leave it at that.” She looked determined as she said it.

“You're not giving me a chance here.”

She laughed softly. “I'm trying hard not to. I don't want you to confuse me.” She didn't want to start an affair with him again, and take the risk of hurting each other. She felt older, wiser, and far more cautious.

“Let me try at least,” he smiled at her, and she saw the man she had once fallen in love with. But she no longer wanted to see him. Steve was gone. And Cal was gone too. All she wanted to see in him was her CEO now. “I'll call you tomorrow,” he said firmly. And she told herself she wouldn't answer the phone, thanked him for dinner again, and left him on the sidewalk, while she walked upstairs to her apartment. He was still standing there when he saw her turn on the lights, and then got in his car and drove away, and she stood at her window, thinking about him. She wasn't going to dinner with him. There was no point. For her at least, it was over.

He called her the next day, as he said he would, and she told him she was busy that night, and had forgotten. And when the phone rang late that night, she didn't answer. She had nothing to say to him. And there was nothing she wanted to hear from him. She felt strangely peaceful as she let the phone ring.

And on Sunday morning, when she went out for a walk, she found him waiting outside, and she was startled.

“What are you doing here, Cal?” she asked, looking confused, and he laughed, looking somewhat sheepish.

“Waiting for you. Since you won't answer your phone or have dinner with me, you leave me no choice but to hang around like a juvenile delinquent.”

“You could have seen me at the office.”

“I don't want to discuss business with you, Merrie.”

“Why not? I'm good at it.”

“I know. We both are. But we're lousy at this other stuff. At least I am. I think you've gotten a little better at it, but you've had more practice. And I'm not as brave as you are. In fact, I've been scared to death for the last nine years … scared of everything you represented. Love, caring, sharing a life with someone, trusting, believing in them, being vulnerable. … I love you, Merrie. Come back to me. Teach me to do this.” He looked every bit as vulnerable as he said he wanted to be, and she wanted to reach out and hug him, but she didn't.

“How can I teach you anything, when I've made such a mess of my own life?” There were tears in her eyes as she said it.

“You haven't made a mess of it. You've done the right things. I think we were both scared. I thought I'd go crazy when you went back to Steve. I was like a madman in Europe.”

“I wasn't so terrific here,” she admitted. “I was pretty awful. Poor Steve. I made his life a living hell while he was here.”

“Is that why he left you?” Cal asked with interest.

“He left me because he was smart enough to figure out that we didn't love each other anymore. Not enough. And he was brave enough to do something about it. I wasn't. He did the right thing. It just took me a while to see it.”

“It's taken me a while to see how much you meant to me, Merrie … how much you still mean to me. … I still love you.”

“And then what? We hang around together for years, too afraid to hold a hand out to each other. I want more than that, Cal. I need it.”

“So do I. I'm holding a hand out to you now. Give me a chance … let's try it. We'll make it work this time. It wasn't so bad last time.”

“And then what? What if it does work?”

“Then we get married,” he said, and she stared at him, trying to absorb what he was saying to her. But he wasn't finished. “In fact,” he said, looking terrified but determined, “I want to marry you now.”

“Why?” She stood on the sidewalk, looking at him, wondering if he meant it.

“Because I love you, that's why. Isn't that how it's supposed to work?”

“I don't know, Cal. Is it?” There were tears in her eyes as he pulled her toward him and held her.

“I never stopped loving you. I tried hating you for a while, but it didn't work. I missed you so much I thought it would kill me.”

“Me too,” she said softly, wanting to believe in him, and afraid to do it.

“Marry me, Merrie … please….”

“What if it doesn't work?” she whispered. She had just watched fifteen years of her life go down the drain. It was hard to trust anything else now. But somewhere in her heart, she knew she had to. She had no choice, just as she hadn't from the beginning. She had been drawn to him by something so powerful, so real, so deep within them both, that neither of them could resist it.

“It will work, you know,” he said as he held her. “This is right for both of us, and we know it.” She nodded, and he pulled away just enough to smile at her and then kiss her. And as they walked away hand in hand, he was talking animatedly about their plans, and she was smiling.