Is This Acid In My Applesauce? (7 page)

“Well we can’t take him BACK to my mom and dad’s.” Curt’s voice cracked with indignation. “I may not know a lot about drugs Deb, I get it. I don’t have a cool job either and I’ve never been on a road trip and I don’t have a pony tail or a tattoo of a butterfly over my heart. But I think I understand what
hallucinogenic properties
means.

It means our son will think we’re a pair of evil overlords delivering him to some child eating demon monster.

He’ll think his grandparents are former children whose souls were devoured and are now walking husks of withered flesh.

And god knows what will happen if he finds that trampoline. It’s like a bouncy black hole of death!”

“Not to mention,” he continued, “returning to the scene of the crime could adversely affect any synaesthesia, temporary dissociation, ego death, what Timothy Leary describes as ‘set and setting,’ and, well, there’s probably more but the internet is being really slow right now.”

“Curt, honey, look at our son. He’s terrified of that pineapple
fridge magnet. He’s trying to impale his stuffed animals with a broom. He’s making toast with WHOLE WHEAT BREAD! We have to keep an eye on him or else who knows what could happen. And unless you also want to google ‘how to convince a court that giving your child LSD and leaving him at home alone to watch TV is not a punishable offense,’ I suggest we leave, right now.”

chaptEr THIRTEEN:

    THEO, Curt & DEB

Theo
arrived at his Grandparents’ house ready to pound that butt-smelling freak into the ground.

“There’s my Theodore,” someone said. Grandma? It
was
Grandma, and Granddad too! They looked more wrinkly than usual, but other than that they were still uneaten. Phew.

“You’re lucky I’m here,” Theo announced. “Any minute longer and you might have been monster food. Outtah my way mortals!” And with that he charged toward the basement.

Curt ran after Theo, Deb ran after Curt, Grandma and Granddad shuffled slightly forward and then complained about their knees.

From the moment Theo came slip ‘n sliding out of the womb, Curt had loved that little potato sack with the Gilbert Gottfried face as much as all those smug dad bloggers said he would. Theo grew up to be smart and adventurous and, yeah, occasionally batshit, but that was ok with Curt, even if it wasn’t with Deb, because guess what?

Theo was just a kid for Christ’s sake!
Parents always forget that they used to be
just
as batshit as the kids they now supposedly “didn’t understand” or thought “were exposed to too much K-Pop while in utero.” But Theo on drugs?
Psychedelic
drugs? If he was usually normal kid crazy, what was he capable of now?

Theo took the steps two at a time, turned the corner, and came face to face with the horrible beast.

Objective:
Destroy butt smelling creature.

Offensive Strategy:
Hit it with things.

Defensive Strategy:
(See offensive strategy).

Finishing Move:
Stab it with with something stabby.

“THEODORE STOP THIS RIGHT NOW!”

“My name is
Theo
, and words can’t save you now demon spawn!” Theo grabbed one of Granddad’s golf clubs and catapulted off the trampoline. It was dark in the basement, but Theo’s aim was true, and he lanced the monster right in the face. The beast stumbled backward and crashed into a shelf. A can of red paint tumbled off, splattering everything in sight.