Island Rush (61 page)

I couldn’t hold it back any longer. I didn’t care that it was only a day and that he continued to reassure me that it was fine.  It most definitely was not!  This was a rat bite!  It infected him, made him sick, and it would get worse.  It already was!  I just wish I agreed with my gut the second it happened.  Because I knew, he wasn’t going to be fine.  It was infecting him and slowly easing through his sweet, healthy body!  Though I did what I could for him, I felt somehow I could have done more.  I could have accepted that this wasn’t going to stop hurting him.

I slipped off the bed as quietly as I could, leaving him to sleep. Moving silently out of camp, I turned towards the trees and jogged into the forest, keeping my sob in. Looking back a few minutes later, I knew I was far enough away.  When I saw that, saw he was too far away to hear me, I let that be my time.

Stopping, I collapsed on my knees in the long grass, my sob breaking my lips, and I cried. Cried hard and didn’t stop. Lying down on the grass, I rolled to my side, burying my face in my arm.  I sobbed, cried, whimpered, and begged for this to stop! Stop all this suffering! Tears streamed out of my eyes as if I was filled with an endless supply of them.

Why? Why? Why did we deserve this fate? Why did such a good man deserve this?!  I couldn’t deny it, couldn’t tell myself this wasn’t happening because it was. How much time did we have? And have for what? What were we going to do? What would I do after he’s gone and dead?  Oh, my god!

I cried harder, sobbing into my arm as I wrapped my hands up in my hair, gripping my hair tight.  I cried out of the pleasure it brought, the pain my heart was only starting to go through.

I couldn’t do this. I couldn’t go through this again, couldn’t handle him leaving me here. He couldn’t do that! He couldn’t leave me here like mom left me here! I couldn’t let him pass on like that either, couldn’t let him die and pass on alone like that. He would leave, and I needed to be there for him.  I needed this good-looking man to live because he deserved a happy and full life!

Bawling my eyes out, more terrible truths crossed into my head.  We would never see each other again.  Never hold each other, never kiss, never whisper how much we loved each other in our ears. He wouldn’t be here to hold my hand, and he wouldn’t be here for me to hold his hand. Never again to laugh and joke around together. Never again to share our lives. Never again to share our overwhelming love.

He would never tell me again how I was what made his life. He would never share his heart and his beautiful words with me again; his bright eyes that made me smile. He would never fool around with me again, never make me laugh again once this terrible situation reaches its climax.

I would never be able to tell him how perfect and wonderful he was again, never be able to share with him my problems ever again. He wouldn’t be with me to hear how much I loved him when I would need him to hear it.  Never be here to accept my arms at night.  He wouldn’t be here to reflect on our lives and our past.  He would never be here to receive a kiss from me, a hug, or a laugh I wanted to share with him. He would be gone! I would never do any of those things with him again, feel those things.  I wouldn’t get the chance to make him happy in our future.

There seemed to be no stopping it. He would lose me as I would lose him.

Chapter 62

I wasn’t sure how long I laid there crying and sobbing my eyes out.  My heart was aching, my stomach hurting and hollow.  Not because I was hungry.  Because my whole body, my entire being felt sick and hollow.  My eyes were shattered with glass pieces falling down my cheeks, my heart just as broken. 

I had to be staring at the same blade of grass for a few hours now.  Though my loud cries quieted, my tears never stopped.  They were falling despite the rest of myself feeling numb. My thoughts still registered in my head.

I told myself I needed to get up, get on my feet because I was being too weak right now.  I couldn’t let myself give up like that, even though I know I already did in a way.  I needed to do something though I understood there was nothing that could be done.  There was nothing.  There was nothing in the first-aid kit that I could use other than what I already had been.

All I could do now was be there for him – and that was going to be hell.  It might be the worst pain in the world for me, but I knew I had to do it.  I had to be there with him and for him until the end.  I had to stay strong, show him all the love I had for him and show him his life was well spent.  I had to.

That meant getting to my feet. 

Wiping the tears from my cheeks, I walked back to camp, praying he was up.  Now that I realized we were limited on time, I wanted every second with him.  It would be frustrating because I knew that was impossible; he needed his sleep.  Yet we didn’t know how much time we had left.  A few minutes, a few days, a few weeks… I had no idea. 

When the crashing of the waterfall came back to me louder and I saw an opening, I also saw the shelter along with Casey in it.  He was still sleeping, which wasn’t surprising.  It was just my luck he was sleeping when I just wanted to be with him and talk to him.

Spend all the time we have left together and suck it up.
Though that seemed like a positive thought in some forms, to me, it hurt.  I knew there was no stopping it, and that honestly was really hard to accept.  I kept, and still am, trying to think of ways to save him.  I thought about the knife for a while too.  Though it was a bad sounding option, we could have cut his arm off, and he could have lived. I, however, didn’t realize how bad it would be until it was too late.  It didn’t cross my mind to see him dying before he got this sick.  I just trusted his words, reassurance, and the likelihood that he was just sick and would get better. 

But now, it was spreading all over his body.  It was no longer affecting just his arm.  It was all over him, tainting his beautiful body.  If we had better medicine or treatment than what I could offer him, there could be a chance of him getting better but nope.  There was nothing.  Even removing his arm was out of the question at this point, and it killed me.

There seemed to be no hope.  With Casey still denying there was something wrong, that didn’t help.  The thing was, I would have to tell him.  I would because he couldn’t accept it, and he needed to.  I would tell him at the end of the day or sooner if he seems okay enough to talk to. We needed time together, and he needed to understand it was a very precious time.

Stopping beside the bed, looking down at Casey lying sick and sweaty, I cringed at his skin color, his dead-like body.  Swallowing hard, I turned and found the wet cloth I used last night on him. I soaked it again then walked back to him, sitting on the bed next to his tired and sleeping body. 

He was lying on his stomach now, his head tilted with his cheek pressing into the bed.  His arms at his side, his expression was blank.  Eyebrows smooth above his eyes, I saw it caught the sweat that had been running over his forehead.  Bending down, I wiped the rag over his forehead and eyebrows, moving it back and into his hair, making it so it didn’t stick to him and cooled him off.

Moving the rag to his sweaty back, I ran it over him, cooling him off as best as I could, considering last night was freezing cold, but he was sweating.  Now that it was hot out, I couldn’t imagine how awful the heat will feel to him.

Without another thought, I twisted the rag as I held it over his back, letting all the water I could wring out drip down on him.  With those worries controlling my actions, I spread the cold water all over him.

When I was done, all I could do was wait.  As hours passed, my thoughts kept me busy frying my mind.  I tried to tame my thoughts, but that seemed to be a twisted game for me lately.  A few tears left me, and when they did, that meant my thoughts won.  Most of the day I spent holding it all back as I laid next to him.  Every hour or so, I would get up with the rag and soak it again, brushing the cool water over him again.  I did that again and again constantly that day.

All I wanted to do was hold him to me, to lay with him in my arms.  I knew I couldn’t though if he wanted to stay cool.  I laughed at that.  Our luck… We were losing each other, and now we couldn’t even hold each other.  I couldn’t hold him or lay against him.  I laid at least two feet or so away from him and all I wanted to do was hold him to me.  

By the time he began to stir in his sleep, I felt I was already halfway to insanity.  Maybe I was; I honestly didn’t care. The sun was ready to set again. By that time, I would be grateful just as long as he wakes up.

Yes, he slept the entire day.  It nearly drove me mad.
So the moment he opened his eyes, I wanted to cry.  I didn’t know if he would ever wake up — it seemed like it.  When he turned over to face me, his eyes grew, and he sucked in hard breaths.  I could tell what was wrong.  The heat.  I nodded, showing him I understood and he didn’t need to say anything.  I took his hand, and we left the shelter.

“Janice,” he gasped out.

“Just follow me,” I said as I towed him along the bank with the rag I grabbed.  We moved to the edge of the lake and towards the bend where the stream starts to flow out.  Quickly at a jog, we moved towards the low hanging and shady trees.  I knew that would be the best spot for him. 

When he got under the tree, I knew it would help him.  There was a great amount of shade from the braids of nature, leaves low and nearly brushing the ground.  Some even brushed the water of the creek since the tree was right on the bank.  That was another good thing about this spot.  Along with the shade, there was the stream.  It could keep him cool and be helpful if he needed to throw up again. 

I dragged him over the edge and had him lay down maybe two or three feet away from where the bank dropped to the creek.  With the shade covering his sweaty body, I knelt beside him, soaked the rag with water, and splashed it up and on his body.  When his skin came in contact with the cool water, he closed his eyes and sighed, welcoming the feeling. 

“Thank you,” he said weakly, smiling up at me as best as he could.  In his eyes, though, his stare made my stomach turn, and my breath catch.  There was a message I couldn’t read.  Maybe something involving regret?  Sadness?  His eyes also told me he was sorry.

After a few minutes of him lying there, he was okay and cool again.  The chilly air also helped him.  When I saw he was fine, I knew I needed to tell him. It wasn’t going to be easy.  I was fairly certain I was going to have a breakdown. 

“Casey?  Can we talk?”

“Oh boy.  Whenever a girl tells me that, it’s time to bolt.” He smiled up at me, a playful shadow of that smirk.  My heart hurt at seeing his attempt to show me he was okay.  I smiled and what he said brought me to chuckle. 

With that chuckle and the memories we shared. I bit my lip and looked down, hearing the crack in my laugh.  Oh god, I was going to lose it.  I didn’t even start yet, and I was close to tears already.  I knew that when I tell him this, I needed to look him in the eye.  He deserved that much, but it was a guarantee of a breakdown.

Taking deep breaths, I forced my eyes to him, and his expression showed me that he understood something big was coming.  He sat up next to me, taking my hand in his.  I looked down, taking a few more breaths. 
How could I do this?  How could I tell him… that he needed to see he was dying?  That he needed to admit it out loud.  How could I show him how bad this hurt me when I was the one he is always worried about?

His weak and white hand appeared under my chin. He tilted my head up until he met my eyes with his.  “Tell me. It’s okay. Whatever you have to say, don’t worry. I’m here.”

Those eyes killed me, his words kicking me as I was down.  I would lose that voice, his reassuring words. And those eyes… my god!  Those eyes that showed me all of his feelings and expressed all of his overwhelming love. 

My chest shook with hurt as my lips quivered until they broke, gasping with a cry.  My head dropped, and they fell into my palms as I hid my face.  I forced my mouth shut after that, but I couldn’t hide my shaking body as an obvious sign of a sob.  The tears fell just as I felt his arm go around me, hugging me to him.

I couldn’t hold back from him no matter what now.  I couldn’t even though he was hot and sick.  I was weak for needing his arms around me as I sobbed.  I collapsed against him, letting him hold me as we sat there. I cried into the man’s shoulder that would soon be gone.  Resting my forehead against his warm shoulder, my tears hit his skin as I felt his hands try to soothe me by rubbing my back. 

I told myself then that if I was giving into his arms, I at least needed to explain to him why I was sobbing.  I had a feeling he already knew.

“Casey…” I whimpered through the tears, muffling against his shoulder.  “That’s just it.”

“What?  What is just it?”

My throat hurt with tears.  “You just said you are here but you won’t be.” I broke off, crying harder.

I felt his body stiffen, and I could feel him shake his head.  He moved slightly back so I could see his face.  His arms never dared to leave me though as he looked deeply into my eyes.

Those eyes told me that he understood, he knew but wasn’t ready to actually accept it.  He was trying to find something that would reassure me that it would go away.  “No, sweetie.  Janice, listen.  I will be okay.  The berries—”

No matter how badly I wanted him to say something I couldn’t fight, this one was simple.  I cut him off.  “I ate the berries too.  Nothing happened to me.”  I took a deep breath, trying to get through this.  “Casey, please.  Just please,” I cried harder.  “Stop denying it.  Stop trying to stay strong for yourself and me.  Please.” 

His eyebrows slowly creased and dipped, his eyes falling.  His expression was one of sadness and him fighting to still deny it.  He bit his lip, shaking his head.  Looking back to me, his eyes were begging again.  He cupped both my cheeks as he leaned forward.  He stared deeply into my eyes, making my tears fall faster and my throat to sting harder. 

Whispering, he spoke in a hurt voice.  “I can’t.  Because I can’t leave you here.”  His voice cracked as he continued and he bit his lip.  “I-I can’t Janice!  Do you understand?  I refuse to leave here without you, to…” He took a deep breath.  “To fucking abandon you!  I can’t.  I can’t go on without you!  I won’t!  Honey, I need you!”

His expression showed me he felt the same as I did before.  He was just hiding it like I did.  My sobs reaching the air, he started breathing even harder.  Swallowing hard, he eventually cut my cries off as he leaned the rest of the way in, kissing my lips gently and softly.  He pulled back a second later, his face an inch from mine.

Begging, he went on.  “I’m going to fight.  I will fight to stay here, to keep my life here with you.  Because I can’t go without you and you can’t leave me either!  I will live because I need to.”

“Casey,” I sighed through my shaky breaths.  “You need to stop.  Just say it.  Accept it.  I don’t want to accept it either.  I don’t want this to happen, but it is, and we can’t stop it.  You may fight, you may want to stay… but that won’t stop it from happening.”

“No!  No,” he said, shaking his head.

I nodded, and he pulled me into his chest again, letting me cry as my head rested on his shoulder.  “It’s happening.  Just say it.  Say it because I need you to accept it.  I need to know that you know what is happening.  I need you to accept it because we don’t have enough time.”

He held me to his damp body as he breathed in harder, thinking deeply and hopefully deciding he needed to fully accept it that this was happening.  And there was no stopping it. 

“There has to be a way,” he said softly, a whisper in the slight breeze as the night was nearly here.  The cold feeling crawled up me, but his body fixed that instantly, though.

“Just say it,” I begged.

“I love you too much to leave because of a rat!”

“Please, say it.”

“Oh, god,” he whispered.

“Say it.”

His arms tightened around me.  “I’m dying…”

My heart felt a weight lifted when he let the words come.  Though my heart was shattered because he was in fact dying, at least he didn’t deny it.  Thank God, he at least knows we only have a short amount of time.  And thank god he knew I was there for him because if anything, pushing him to say it meant I had to deal with it too he realized. 

My sob grew stronger when it was finally starting to slow to just tears.  His words though were a relief.  It helped break a shell of denial to me that I recognized I was still holding onto myself.  But now… we both knew and accepted it was happening.