Authors: Piers Anthony
Tags: #Humor, #Fantasy, #Science Fiction, #Young Adult
Actually, Electra's dress was wet too, but it didn't have to strain to cross her front, and nobody's eyes got hung up on it, and the promise of kissing her would not have excited a living man, let alone a ghost. She might have been resentful, if Nada hadn't been such a good friend and fellow Betrothee.
After a moment Grey lifted a sheet of paper from the desk. Very well, was written on it, in ornate script.
Nada walked to the center of the chamber, put her hands behind her back, lifted her chin, pursed her lips, closed her eyes, and inhaled. Her décolletage went into terminal strain. Ivy crossed quickly to Grey and put her hands over his eyes just as the last event was starting. That was probably just as well, Electra thought, because those eyes had been in danger of popping loose.
After a moment Electra saw something. Writing was appearing on the sheet of paper, written by an invisible hand. It said: Go find Che, With a Cookee.
“Ghorge's given the answer!” Electra exclaimed, jumping with excitement. She could afford to do that, even in a wet dress; with Nada it would have been dangerous.
Nada opened her eyes. “He's really cool!” she said.
“Well, he is dead,” Ivy reminded her. “But I think that is a good review.”
More writing appeared. Never a cleavage like that short of the Gap Chasm! Electra didn't bother to call attention to that message; it didn't seem relevant. “But what kind of cookie do we need to find Che?” she asked.
Grey looked at the message. “I think he means the With-a-Cookee River. That must be where he saw Che.”
“Already?” Electra asked. “But he hasn't had time to travel around!”
“Oh, he has, he has,” Ivy said. “He's very fast, being unlimited by mortal considerations. Now, Nada, let's get some dry clothing on you. You too, 'Lectra.”
They went with Ivy and got changed and snatched a bite to eat. By that time the day was getting late.
“We have to be on our way,” Electra said.
“We can get you there,” Ivy said. “Grey has been researching the gourd while we were eating.”
“The gourd?” Electra asked, alarmed. “We don't want to get caught in that!”
Ivy laughed. “Don't worry, you won't. The Night Stallion needed an Answer, and he paid for it by giving us a few big gourds. We use them for emergency transport. All you have to do is step in the one here, and follow the path to the one near the With-a-Cookee River, and step out. That will get you there almost immediately.” She paused, looking concerned. “But it's pretty rough country there, and the goblins can be bad. Maybe we should give you some extra magic to handle things.”
Electra considered. “Nada can handle just about anything, in serpent form. But maybe we could use something to signal for help, in case we do get in trouble. We have a whistle, but if the goblins are listening, they might come before our friends and make things worse.”
“We happen to have some sparkleberries,” Ivy said. “A branch of them should do nicely.” She went to a cupboard and brought out a small branch with round green leaves and little black berries. She picked several berries and handed them to Electra. "You activate them electrically; that will be easy for you. Just hold one and run a charge through it and throw it up, and it will sparkle enough to alert anyone in the area, especially at night.''
“Thank you,” Electra said. “We'll set one off when we find Che, if we need help in getting him away from the goblins.”
Ivy led them to the cellar. Grey was there, standing before a huge hypnogourd. “This doesn't take just your mind, it takes your body,” he said. “I have nulled its magic for safekeeping, but I'll free it long enough for you to enter. Hold hands as you step in, so you don't get separated. You must follow the right path or you will get lost. Since you are going to the With-a-Cookee River outlet, watch for a cookie or a symbol of one. That will show you the correct path, when there is any choice of paths. You will arrive in just a few minutes, if you keep moving. Don't tell anyone about the gourd; we prefer to keep this system private.”
Electra was impressed. “I should think so! You must be able to get anywhere in Xanth in a hurry!”
“Pretty much,” Grey agreed. “Wherever we have big gourds placed, anyway. Now, are you ready?”
Electra and Nada nodded.
“Don't be surprised by anything you see in the gourd,” Ivy said. “Remember, it's the realm of dreams. Just stay on the cookie path, and you'll have no problem. Don't let any of the dreams tempt you away from that path.”
“We, won't,” Electra promised.
Then Grey released the magic. The gourd seemed to glow faintly. The two girls stepped into the peephole.
Dolph pondered briefly as he approached the Element of Air. What form would be best for this? He was in young man form at the moment, having used it to take a stick and poke a suitable hole in the flypaper surrounding the kingdom of the flies, but he doubted that would do for Air. He knew there would be air currents of all kinds here, including fierce storms. He could become a squat turtle and let it all blow safely over him, but it would take him forever to explore it. He needed to check it quickly, because if Che Centaur were here, he could be in serious trouble, and time would be of the essence. But if Dolph assumed a flying form, he could get blown everywhere else but wherever Che was, and that was no good either.
He came to the border. On one side were green plants and manure and rotting things, suitable for the delight of flies; on the other was a turmoil of wind.
He decided that a flying form was best, but not one that could be blown about. So he assumed the form of a ghost. He wasn't a true ghost, of course, because he wasn't dead; he just looked like one and acted like one, and the wind couldn't touch him because he wasn't solid enough.
He floated through the border. The wind tried to take him and hurl him about, but it couldn't get a grip on him. It howled with exasperation.
This might once have been a nice region, but the wind had scoured the soil from the land and the clouds from the sky. Probably it had also blown away the stars of the night. But he wasn't here to appreciate the view; he had to find Che, if he were here, and to be sure he was somewhere else if he weren't here.
He floated around just inside the border, picking up speed. He would spiral in toward the center of Air, looking at everything; he didn't dare miss one spot, lest that be the one where a poor injured foal lay waiting for rescue. Actually, since Che had been foal-napped, he probably wasn't alone, but captive of some other creature. Still, that creature or creatures could be holding him here, so it was best to look for a house or shelter too, and inspect any he spied.
This was a dull region, once he allowed for the violence of the wind. There was no vegetation at all, just sand, and the wind was constantly whipping it up into sandstorms. If anyone sat on the ground long, he would be buried in sand. A captor shouldn't take Che here for that.
Then Dolph had another bad thought. Suppose someone were mad at Chex or Cheiron and wanted to make them suffer? He could steal their foal away and dump him here, and they would certainly suffer! He wouldn't care that the foal could not survive in all the wind and sand; that would be the point.
Did he really want to find Che, if that was the case? A dead foal buried under sand?
No, that was too horrible! Nobody would want to do that to the winged centaurs. The regular centaurs didn't like them, because centaurs had very strict notions about species purity, but all centaurs were creatures of honor who would not stoop to any such malice. The other winged monsters certainly wouldn't, because all of them were sworn to protect their own; Dolph had crashed Chex's wedding ceremony and knew how the Simurgh had impressed this on them, and on Dolph too. Of course the land monsters weren't bound, but most of them lacked the wit to foal-knap him; they would simply eat him and be done with it. So the chances were that this was a more organized effort and that the foal wouldn't be left in a place like this.
Little dust devils sported among the moving sand dunes, being watched by their parent tornadoes. They had fun sucking up the sand and throwing it around. This was one big sandlot, for them. But there was no sign of Che or any other living thing. Dolph was glad.
Then a dust devil swung in toward him. He veered to the side to avoid it, but it veered too. He moved the other way, and it matched him. It was following him!
Well, it couldn't hurt him. “Whaaat doo yooo waaant?” he called in ghost accent, realizing that this was something more than a freak of nature.
The whirling cone was replaced by another ghost. “So you are an intruder!” it said, with no ghostly distortion. “Who are you?”
“I'm Prince Dolph of the human folk,” he replied. “Who are you?”
The ghost swirled and became devastatingly female. “Well, now, a living man! This is most intriguing.”
“You didn't answer my question,” he said.
“I am the Demoness Metria,” she said. "I have had some limited dealings with your benevolent.”
“My what?” he asked blankly.
“Your compassionate, gentle, humane,” she said crossly.
“Oh, you mean my kind,” he said, catching on.
“Whatever. What are you doing here, Prince?”
“I'm looking for Che Centaur, who was foal-napped by a party unknown.” Then it occurred to him that the demons could be responsible. Maybe he had said too much!
“Oh, that,” she said, disinterested. “He's not here.”
“He isn't?”
“No, the goblins took him. I suppose they want him for food, and to feed the little goblins too.”
“Feed the little goblin stew?” Dolph asked, horrified.
“Why else would goblins want horsemeat?”
“Horsemeat!” he exclaimed. “He's a winged centaur, a unique species!”
“Well, you don't think they want him for his proclivity, do you?”
“His what?”
“His bent, disposition, inclination, penchant, propensity,” she said, annoyed.
Dolph concentrated, and after a bit it came to him. “His mind?”
“Whatever. What would a goblin care about that?”
“Nothing,” he said.
“Precisely. So you might as well be on your way.”
“Wait a minute, demoness! How can I believe you? Maybe you stole Che, and you're trying to distract me!”
She focused her ghostly eyes on him. “Listen, vacuum-head, if I wanted to distract you, I wouldn't bother with words. I have easier ways.”
“Yeah? Like what?”
“How old are you, Prince?”
“Fifteen, going on sixteen. What does that have to do with it?”
“And I'm a hundred and fifteen, going on a decade or two more. I lose count. But my age doesn't matter; it's yours that is critical. Do you know how to summon the stork?”
“No! No one will tell me! Not even my Betrothee.”
“Your what?”
“My fiancée, girlfriend, promised, engagee.”
“Oh, you mean your prospective ball and chain.”
“Whatever. Why do you ask?”
“Because it's more fun to pester innocents. Human folk are pretty dull creatures, but ignorant young men are subject to amusing temptations. Maybe I'll keep you with me for a while, so I can entertain myself. It's been a decade or so since I've toyed with a mortal man.”
“Oh? Who was that?”
“I forget. An ogre, I think, only he looked like a man. Aristocrat.”
“What?”
“Patrician, gentleman, esquire.”
“Oh, you mean Esk Ogre!”
“Whatever. Why did you ask?”
Dolph opened his ghost mouth, but discovered that he had forgotten whatever they had been talking about. “Enough of this. I have to find Che Centaur.”
“But I told you he's not here.”
Now he remembered: that was how all this had started. “You're of the demon folk. I can't trust you. So I'm going to keep looking.”
“Do you mind if I tag along on your futile search?”
“Yes! Go away!”
“Great! I'll stay right with you.”
Oops He had made the mistake of admitting that her presence bothered him. “I'll ignore you.”
“Suppose I tell you how to summon the stork?”
He stopped in the air. “You will?”
“Of course not! Don't you know about the Adult Conspiracy?”
“But you're a demoness. You don't honor that stuff.”
“Of course I do!” she said indignantly. “It's the best torment yet devised for children.”
“I'm not a child!”
“You are until you figure out the secret.”
She had him there. “So you won't tell me, you mare. Go away.”
“I'm a what?”
“Ewe, doe, hen, sow, lioness—” He broke off. “Oh, now you've got me doing it! Female wolf—I can't think of the word.”
“Ha! You're young and innocent. You don't know the word!”
She had nailed him again. “And you won't tell me. So go away and let me finish my search.”
But she lingered, her shape becoming even more shapely. “I won't tell you the secret about the stork, but I might show you.”
She had his interest again, but he still didn't trust her. “What's the catch?”
“You have to resume manform.”
“Nuh-uh! Not until I finish searching the Elements.”
Metria frowned prettily. “You're being unreasonable, Dolph. I'm the one who is supposed to be difficult! Why don't you give up this hopeless search and let me show you the stork's secret?”
“Because I don't trust you! Not only will you stop me from finding Che, you'll fade out without showing me anything, and leave me twice as frustrated as before.”
She nodded. “You're getting smarter. But you know, there is something more important you should be doing now.”
Again, foolishly, he paid attention. "What could be more important than finding Che?”
“Plugging the hole.”
He couldn't make sense of this. “Are you referring to the stork again?”
She laughed so hard she dissolved into fragments of smoke, and it took her a while to resume her shapely shape. “I could have been, but I wasn't. What an entendre!”
“What?”
“Never mind; it's not in the dictionary anyway. The Muses are way behind the times. No, I mean the hole in Xanth where the foreign elf and her foreign cat come through.”
“What foreign elf?”
“The one who's with Che now, helping him flee the goblins. How do you think she got here, otherwise?”
Dolph knew she was trying to confuse him, but he didn't want to admit how well she was succeeding. “Why should the hole be plugged?”
“Because alien monsters may come through it. The elf is harmless, but what else follows her is not. All Xanth could be threatened. That's not just a hole between two worlds, it's between a squintillion worlds, and the Simurgh only knows what connection may be next.”
“Why didn't you plug it, then?”
She shrugged. “It would be tedious. But I'll show you where it is, if you wish.”
“But if it threatens Xanth, it threatens you too! You wouldn't just let it be. You're just trying to distract me again.”
She nodded. “That, too.”
“I don't understand you!”
“Well, you're only human,” she said condescendingly. “Worse, you're only male.”
“So I'm just going to ignore you and go on with my search.”
“Lotsa luck, obtuse.”
“What?”
“Acute, right, oblique, reflex, angle-—no, wait. I mean dull, uninformed, slow-witted, blunt, dense—”
“Stupid?”
“Thank you.” She floated forward and kissed him on the forehead. “Stupid.”
Somehow Dolph was not completely satisfied. But he realized that it was pointless to keep talking with her. He resumed his search for Che.
Soon he completed his spiral around the Region of Air, having found nothing. He approached the Region of Earth, and drifted through the border between them.
This section was just as violent, but in a different way. The air cleared and the sandstorm died out, but now it was the land in motion. It trembled, quivered, and even went so far as to shake. To the north was a giant volcano spewing out red liquid.
“That's boiling lava,” the demoness said beside him. “I don't think you want to put your feet in that.”
“It won't hurt ghost feet.”
“But the hot gases may dissolve you.”
Dolph thought she was just teasing him, but wasn't quite sure. He had never tried his ghost form—or any other form—in volcanic gas. So he steered well clear of the nasty mountain. He could see farther here, because the air was clearer, so could move more rapidly without missing anything important.
Yet as he moved, he wondered. Was it possible that the demoness was telling the truth? That Che had already been found? If so, he was wasting his time here. But if that was true, then what about the business of the hole in Xanth? If a foreign elf had come through with her cat, what else was likely to follow? He really shouldn't ignore that.
“You're cute when your ghostly brow furrows like that,” Metria remarked.
“Go jump in a hypnogourd!”
“You're even cuter when you try to be clever. Does your future mate—the one who won't tell you about stork summoning—appreciate your cleverness?”
“No,” he replied shortly.
“Why not?”
“Because she doesn't love me," he said, before remembering not to talk to the demoness. Oh, well, the infernal creature had probably already caught on to that.
“I thought you human folk didn't marry without love, foolish as that may be.”
“We don't. It's complicated.”
“I love complexity! How did it happen?''
What was the use? She would keep pestering him anyway, and maybe she would have an answer for his dilemma. “I needed help from the naga folk,” he said. “They are serpents with the heads of human folk. Their king said I would have to marry his daughter, Nada Naga, so that my folk would help their folk against the goblins. But I was too young, so I was betrothed to her instead. She could assume serpent form or human form, because the naga have ancestry in both. But I can take other forms too, including serpent and naga. I liked her, and then I loved her. But she was doing it just because she had to; she never loved me.”
“What, an animal girl failed to love a handsome human prince? How could she!”
Dolph realized that she was being sarcastic, demon fashion, but he ignored it. It helped him just to describe the situation. “She was beautiful herself, and a princess too, and half human. But she is five years older. To her I was just a child. So she couldn't love me.”
“That's easy to solve. Just have her drink from a love spring in your presence.”
“Yes, when I marry her next week she'll do that. But there's something else.”
“You are full of surprises, Prince!” But the edge of her sarcasm was not as sharp; she was curious.
They completed the Region of Earth and floated into the next, the Region of Fire, which was surrounded by a tall wall of fire. Within the region flames reached hungrily for the sky, but no matter how hard they tried, they couldn't burn up the sky, quite. But the trees below were having a difficult time of it.