It's Got A Ring To It (20 page)

But it all put knots in my stomach. I was living in agony. Finally, I
was with the man I wanted for so long. And now
,
he wanted everything I wanted. Only, I
didn’t want any of it with him anymore. People always s
aid
, be careful what you wish for because you
just might get it. No one sa
id
that the timing may be all off and there
was
a possibility that you wo
uldn’t
want the same things
at the same time.

Inside, I constantly battled with myself. I got everything I wanted.
Did it make me selfish not to want it anymore
?
Would I be a hypocrite? Why had I been
holding on so hard, so long? The closure that I expected, still escaped me. The
only thing I’d figured out was what I didn’t want.

Something should have told me months before. Labor
D
ay weekend, Ethan and I
were held up in a quaint little B&B in Napa with all the romantic fixings:
Wine, seclusion from the distractions of city life, and breakfast in bed. It
should have been the precursor to ecstasy. Instead, I found myself inching
away. The irritation from his touch left me anxious and annoyed.
And his cologne.
The same musky fragrance that used to rile
me up and sift out carnal
instincts,
only infuriated
me and left me on edge. We ended up cutting the weekend short and staying at
our own places.

Following that weekend, we still saw each other off and on, at my
convenience. I found myself making up excuses why I couldn’t see him. Either
working late
or
that I
had to meet Lena for some wedding planning duties. As much as I couldn’t stand
it, all that planning saved me on more than a few occasions. Though, that
wasn’t always a lie. Lena had become more like
B
ridezilla
by the day
,
with her
limitless
demands.
When Thanksgiving came around, I felt obligated to be with Ethan, so I invited
him over to my parents. On one side of the table was Lena and Sam, snuggling
and swooning over each other. At each head of the table were my parents, who
have been together for umpteen years and still g
a
ve goo-goo eyes to each other. Then there
was Ethan and
me,
the odd couple. As far as I was
concerned, there was no love left between us. I was just trying to figure out
how to break it to him. And while it felt heartless to do it during the
holidays, I couldn’t bear the thought of letting him dampen my Christmas cheer
for one more day. I’d reached my fed up point and I couldn’t start another year
living in the past. I set my sight
s
on New Year’s Eve to start fresh with a new
outlook on life, even if that meant being alone. As the days tallied on, I
couldn’t wait that long.

As I stirred honey into my tea, the doorbell rang and my anxiety
level shot up ten notches. I’d called Ethan the day before to invite him over,
but the excitement in his voice nearly weakened my will. But, I knew I couldn’t
put it off
any longer
.
My hands started shaking. How was I even going to broach the subject in the
first place
?
What was I
going to say, “Sorry I dragged you all the way over here, but things are simply
not going to work out between the two of us?” Brutal, but it
wasn’t
like we had the
greatest history of being gentle with each other’s feelings. A few times, it
fittingly crossed my mind to just write him a letter to end things. Then, I
came to my senses.

The brushed
-
nickel
handle shook beneath my hand. I took a deep breath. “Hi
,
Ethan. Thanks for coming over,” I said
without lifting my eyes to meet his.

“Oh. No problem. I was hoping I’d get to see you. You’ve been so busy
lately. No worries, though. I know candy is a great gift idea for the holidays.
Just glad business is going so well for you.”

A lump rose and fell in my throat. There he was complimenting the
business and being supportive, while I cowardly inched along toward the demise
of our relationship.

“Yeah.”

After about ten minutes of awkward gab
,
I still hadn’t found a reason to stop
staring at the deep-seated stains in my carpet
—and
he started to catch on.

“
Laila
…is anything wrong?” It was the
opening I was waiting for. “Why did you ask me to come over?”

“Ethan.”

Patiently, he waited for an explanation without interrupting. I
couldn’t get a read on how things would turn out. All I could do
was
focus on the fact that
it would all be over after this.

“I just cannot do this anymore,” I blurted out, exhaling a breath I
hadn’t realized I was holding. Instant relief. It came out like air from a
balloon, only he was the one deflated. Ethan searched my face, but his
expression was blank. Before I knew it, I was pacing left and right with my
arms and hands flailing about trying to rationalize my decision.

 
“I used to dream about us
being how we are now: The house, the kids, the family vacations. Being the
granddaughter that Nana Bea never had. I wanted all of that. Would’ve given up
anything to live in that world. Practically did. Even after you were gone, I
was stuck in the dream of that life. But you gave up on it when I was all in.”

When he turned away, my voice softened. I was heartless, not to
mention
know
ing
what it
was
like to be on the
receiving end. My intentions weren’t to hurt him, though I knew inevitably they
would. The truth
was
painful, as the injuries c
ould
only be healed over time with new experiences. “Ethan, my feelings are not the
same anymore. What you want now, is what I wanted
then.
And there’s no turning back. Just to be sure, I gave it another try when
everyone and every inch of my being told me not to. But, we just have to go our
separate ways knowing that we once had something great that wasn’t meant to be
everlasting.”

He still fac
ed
the window to my patio, so I walked over to stand in front of him. Tracks of
teardrops ran down his cheeks. He seemed ashamed, but I knew there was no need
to be. Lifting his chin, Ethan focused on me. “Don’t waste time trying to
figure this out, like I did. Everything happened the way it was supposed to,” I
said. It’s not comforting, but it’s the truth: The blaring actuality that it
took me years to accept.

A smile spanned the length of his face. “When did you become so
wise?” He laughed through his tears.

“I’ve always been like this. You just never noticed, is all.”

“Look at this.
Laila
Smart giving sage
advice.” The smile hadn’t left his face, but he still lingered in deep.

In my mind’s eye, I drifted back to that time when I was trying to
understand how things got so turned around.

“Listen. I never meant to hurt you. I was too weak to confront you
because I knew I was wrong. You deserve to have that apology,
Laila
. And thank you for showing me how a respectable
person embraces an ending. I hope that your next beginning brings you all the
love and loyalty that you deserve.”

“Thank you, Ethan.” That must have been what I was waiting for
because my eyes filled to the brim and my heart somehow felt lighter. Hearing
the sincerity in his apology made all the difference. It was the closure I so
desperately needed.

With the tight squeeze of his hug, he held me a little longer
—
absorbing the new
reality. “I hope everything works out with Myles. He seems like a good guy
,
” he said sending shock
through my spine. Questions bounced around my mind. I wondered if he knew all
along. Asking could only open up a new can of worms, so I left it at that. I
wouldn’t validate his comment and let him think Myles played any part in my
decision to end our relationship. “Mind if I use your bathroom before I leave?”

“Not at all.” How the wheels were turning. No particular moment stuck
out that would’ve given him the opportunity to ask Myles questions about the
nature of our relationship beyond the connection of our sisters’ weddings. The
possibility that I might never find out was viable, considering I hadn’t spoken
to Myles on an informal basis since the grand opening.

The fluorescent glow of Ethan’s cell phone vibrating across the table
interrupted my thoughts. I was about to tell him that he had an incoming call,
when I saw the photo assigned to the number. Catherine. The timing could not be
a coincidence. The likelihood that the woman who stole him from me, phones him
the exact day that I break up with him,
and
he hasn’t made a big deal that I haven’t called recently, was too much
of a supposed coincidence.

After the third ring, I sent her to voicemail, silently daring her to
leave a message.
And then, a chime.
It wasn’t a
voicemail, but a text message. Clear as day, it read
:

I’m so glad
we
decided to
give us another try. Last night was amazing, as always. Talk to you soon. Love
you,
Honeypie
.

      
There
I was tiptoeing around his feelings and worrying about how to break it to him
gently and he couldn’t have cared less. The old dog hadn’t learned any new
tricks. He’d been reconciling with Catherine, and I’d done his dirty work for
him. Just the thought that I signed up for a second bout of torture boiled my
blood.

An image of the crumbled letter in my hope chest came to me, followed
by all the faces the day he left me. I was seeing red when Ethan returned from
the bathroom, all smiles. Before he could say
a
word, I unleashed two years of pent
-
up rage upon him.

The words came out slowly at first, drenched with loathing. “So this
is what it comes down to, Ethan?” Breathe, I told myself. Be calm and say what
you’ve been waiting to say. “For two years, I cried myself to sleep. Shut out
my family and my friends. Gave up my dreams. And you’re going to do this to me
again. I hope this makes you feel like a man because you’re nothing but an
unoriginal, cowardice, shell of a man.”

“Wait
.
”
H
is fiery eyes darted toward
the phone in my hand.

“Now, you have so much to say? Well, fuck you, Ethan. Fuck you for
everything that you stand for
.
As soon as I find a measly morsel of happiness, you come crawling back.
Calling me with your sob stories about your business. I’m truly sorry about
Nana Bea, but what kind of man uses the death of a loved one to weasel your
back into my life. And I fell for it. That’s the fucked up part about it. I
fell for it, not once, but twice.”

“I’m sorry,
Laila
. I’ve apologized over and
over. What more do you want? I don’t even remember what I wrote in the letter.”

The second the words passed his lips, I could’ve strangled him right
there and I wouldn’t have been held responsible. I went temporarily insane.
Something inside clicked and I went stark raving mad, running through the house
yelling and screaming, words unrecognizable to my own ears. When I returned, he
was halfway out the door, but I stopped him in his tracks.

“You don’t remember what the letter said? You don’t remember what the
letter said? Well, allow me to refresh your memory.” Standing between Ethan and
the door, I read
aloud
every
word of the letter that
had
changed
my life.

“
Laila
,

I don’t know where to
start, so I’ll start at the beginning. When we met at the Chamber of Commerce
eight years ago, I thought you would be a great networking partner. I had no
clue that I would love you. Whether you want to believe me or not, I do love
you. I love you more than you’ll ever know, but if I’m being honest with
myself, I’m just not in love with you anymore. You’re an amazing woman. I know
you’ll be a great wife, and mother. Just not with me. We haven’t been happy for
some time, so this shouldn’t be a surprise. We’ve been fighting a lot lately
,
because I’ve only recently
admitted to myself that the relationship won’t work with all that we’ve been
through. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and soul-searching and this is the
right thing to do. You may not want to hear it, but it’s because of you that
I’ve found someone else. Because of what we’ve been through, I now know how to
treat a woman. You’ve made me a better man. She and I really understand each
other and know how to love without fighting. I know this is the worst possible
time I could’ve chosen to tell you, but we are together every waking moment and
it’s hard to think clearly. It’s ironic to me that the old tradition of
sleeping apart the night before we wed, is the time when I was able to think
most clearly. That book you read was right. We’ve broken up so many times and
that’s because we’ve been broken. To make things easier, last night I cleared
all my things out of the house, so you won’t have any reminders. I’ve done
everything I can to make this transition as smooth as possible, but if you
think of anything else, you can let Nana Bea know and she’ll get the message to
me. I want to thank you for all the great years we’ve shared and I really do
hope we can be friends.
Best of luck to you
,
Sugarbear
.