It's My Life (11 page)

Anyway, I have the phone number of the mission, so I decided to call with my good news the next morning before I went to work. Of course, I had to leave a message, asking Alex to return my call, but thankfully, he hadn't left for college yet and was still down there.

But before he called me back, I put up my Mexico display (poster board and photos) in the lunchroom at work, along with a tin can for charitable donations that said, “Feed the kids” (I'm learning!). And now you wouldn't believe it, but everyone just kept talking about my photos and how sad the garbage dump business was, and when I checked the can at the end of the day on Thursday, it
had $187.34 in it. And by the time I left today it had even more! And I think I'll leave it there for a while to allow everyone at work the chance to be “blessed,” as Aunt Steph would say.

So, when Alex called me this morning and I told him I've already collected almost $700 in donations, he's like totally jazzed! He said he has to leave for school soon, but he's got a guy named Hal Royer lined up to take over for him. I met Hal once; he's an older guy who does a lot of maintenance around the mission, kind of quiet, but really sweet spirited, as I recall. So, anyway, Hal is my new contact and everything will be sent care of him. Not only that, but I think I'll put a collection can (with photos) at church every Sunday, and maybe even a box for donating used clothing for kids. And, well, I'm just getting all sorts of ideas. This is going to be fun!

But like I said, I'm really beat right now. And even though it's a Friday night, I'm completely content to stay home and just hang with the family. And I don't think they mind a bit. Dad and Ben went out to rent some videos and pick up a box of Dove ice cream bars (a treat I haven't had since before Mexico), and I'm supposed to make some popcorn, so I'd better get at it!

I'm feeling a little confused today. Or maybe overwhelmed or perhaps just challenged. I'm just not sure what it is exactly. But I'm feeling something–that's for sure!

Pastor Tony had this friend who's a missionary in Brazil speak in our church today. Kind of interesting, since we've had all this focus on Mexico lately. I guess we're becoming a real internationally aware church. A good thing, I'm sure. Well, at first, I must admit, I was a little wary of this guy because I didn't want him to steal the limelight from the focus on Mexico (more particularly, the garbage dump kids). But as soon as he began to talk, I forgot all about that. For one thing, he mentioned our trip down to Mexico right off the bat and how great it was that we were reaching out to those who were less fortunate (and he even mentioned how important it was that we were giving in order to feed the kids at the dump), and so then I just relaxed and listened.

And man, could this guy keep you at the edge of your seat! Now I'll admit I've never heard a missionary preach before, but I was totally blown away by this guy. (I mean, I'd always thought missionaries were boring, but let me tell you, this one was anything but!) One after the other, he told stories about the drug cartel and amazing miracles and contra rebels and incredible healings, not to mention hundreds of people getting saved all over the place. It seems that just all sorts of things are going on down in South America these days, both good and bad.

So after holding us spellbound for over an hour, he asked us all to bow our heads and close our eyes, then he gave this little invitation–nothing unusual, just offering everyone (who hadn't already) the opportunity to invite Jesus into their hearts. After that he paused for a
few moments, then said he felt a strong impulse to give another sort of invitation, and that he thought it was for a young person. He explained how he rarely did anything like this, but he felt he should today. So anyway, once again he asked us to bow our heads (for privacy); then he asked if anyone out there felt God calling him or her to be a missionary. Well, I can't honestly say I heard God's voice calling me or anything specific or even audible, but my heart started to pound furiously, and I felt this
really
strong, overwhelming urge inside of me to raise my hand. And so I did. It was as if I couldn't help but do it.

Well, everybody still had their eyes closed (big relief) but the missionary guy looked me right in the eye and said, “I see your hand, my child. And so does God. Don't worry; He will lead you.” And that was it. I lowered my hand and looked down, and I could still feel my heart pounding and my cheeks burning as if I'd just admitted to being the village thief or something. But then the service ended and no one seemed to know what I'd done. Part of me started saying, “Okay, Cate, just forget about that whole thing. It was probably just an emotional response after your missions trip to Mexico.” But another part of me, a stronger part, kept saying,
“Oh, my goodness, this is really for real!”

Now, it's not like I think some big missionary board is going to come looking for me or that I've been drafted into the Salvation Army or anything like that. But what worries me is this: I'm thinking what IF God really is behind this whole missions thing? What if God is really, truly calling
me to be a missionary? I mean, it's just so totally weird. Who would ever believe that Caitlin O'Conner is going to become a missionary? Doesn't it sound totally ridiculous? And for that reason, I'm keeping my mouth shut, at least for now. Besides, I figure, if God is behind this, then (like the missionary guy said) not to worry because He can lead me. Right?

Besides, school starts in two days, and I really need to focus on that right now. So (if it's all the same to you, God) can I just not think about this anymore tonight? Gulp!
A missionary?

Dad said he doesn't understand why Mom and I insisted on shopping on Labor Day (that it's supposed to be a day of rest and all), but we assured him we find fighting the crowds, searching for parking spaces in a hot parking lot, and then sniffing out the best buys to be quite restful. And actually, for me, it was sort of relaxing in a way. Nothing like a crowded mall full of materialistic consumers (including me!) to take my mind off of yesterday's sermon.

But the problem is, the whole shopping for back-to-school clothes seemed to fall sort of flat for me. I can't even really explain it, but I walked around in kind of a daze. I couldn't seem to focus on anything. Maybe it has to do with having just been in Mexico where there's so much poverty. I mean, they have so little and we have so much! Maybe I'm just looking at things with a whole different
perspective. But suddenly I didn't feel all that interested in accumulating lots of cool stuff anymore. A lot of the clothes I'd worn last year seemed just fine to wear again this year. I mean, it's not like the styles have changed all that much anyway.

“Are you feeling okay, honey?” my mom asked with genuine concern after I turned down a great looking little top that I would've drooled over just weeks ago.

“Yeah, Mom. But I have lots of tops.” Then I mentally ran down my clothing needs list and the only thing I could think of that I really, truly needed (and “needed” was questionable) was a new pair of khakis since I got a bad tear in my others that day when Beanie and Andrea and I climbed over Lynn's fence. But to be a good sport, I continued working the mall with Mom and even agreed and acted all happy when she found a really great buy on a pair of Tommy Girl jeans. But to be perfectly honest, the shopping expedition brought me no pleasure.

“Well, how about underwear and socks?” she finally pleaded, as if she thought I was turning into a mental case. So I agreed and we spent about an hour picking out what seemed an inordinate amount of “necessities.”

Then we went out for a late lunch, and Mom grilled me some more about my health and everything. Was I taking my vitamins? Had I come home with any kinds of parasites or bugs that were making me act weird? Finally, she insisted on scheduling a physical for me, and to keep her happy, I agreed. And who knows, maybe I did contract some weird Mexican bug or virus. Because I must admit, I'm just
not really feeling like myself today. Although it may have more to do with yesterday's hand raising than Mexico.

Well, I suppose it's kind of nice being a senior. And it was definitely cool to drive my own car to school, and I was so glad that Beanie was there with me. (I mean, just a couple months ago she was planning on getting her GED and becoming a mommy and everything.) But all in all, today just wasn't as great as I'd thought it would be.

I got all the classes I wanted, and it looks like I get to do the work experience program where I get off from school in the afternoon to continue working at my reception job (which I must remember to let Rita know since it was her idea in the first place). But all in all today seemed sort of anticlimactic. I'm not sure what I was expecting, though.

Several times today, I thought about the whole missionary thing again. But I still haven't told anyone. Not even Beanie. But I think I will allow myself to think about it some more. It's like I've been repressing it, as if it's this big, dark, scary thing that's going to eat me alive (which I know it's not). So now I'm telling myself, if this thing is from God, it can only be
good.
Right? And what can I possibly have to be afraid of? This rationale, I must admit, does make me feel a whole lot better. In fact, I might even talk to Pastor Tony about it. He might have some helpful thoughts to share.

Tonight I will go to bed without getting all worried and
frightened about having to become a missionary someday. Because I do know that God's love is supposed to drive away all fear. And I think
that's
what I've been feeling lately–just plain old ordinary
fear.

Tonight I went to the midweek service. I don't usually go. I'm not even sure why not because I've discovered I like it. But for some reason, I wanted to go tonight. I went by myself but I sat with Stephie, who looked slightly surprised to see me there but made no comment.

It was a really fun service with lots of singing and Pastor Tony gave a great sermon about touching the lives of the people right around you (kind of a relief to me
when I've been thinking lately about how I might need to travel to the ends of the earth to touch people's lives). Afterwards, I went up and talked to Tony (amazingly, no one else was with him), and I told him about how his friend had made that missionary invitation, how I'd actually raised my hand, and how I'd been kind of freaking out about it ever since.

Well, Pastor Tony just smiled and said, “That's wonderful!” Now to tell the truth, I was hoping he'd say something like, “Well, Caitlin, you probably were just making an emotional response, based on the things you'd recently experienced in Mexico. Don't take it too seriously.”

But no, he says, “I think it's just fantastic! And I can really envision that for you. I'm sure you'd make a terrific missionary.”

“But do you think that I
really
heard God?” I asked doubtfully.

“Well, only you can know that for sure. But I don't see why not. God certainly does call some people to become missionaries. Some at even younger ages than you. I believe it could happen.”

Well, my face must've revealed my heart because Tony lightened up a little then. “But think of it like this, Caitlin,” he continued. “We
all
need to be missionaries. Like I said tonight, Jesus wants us to reach out to those around us. He's put us where we are for good reason. You can be a missionary without ever leaving home.”

I brightened. “Yeah, you're right. I hadn't thought of it like that.”

“And then–” he winked–“if God is really calling you to the foreign missions field, just think how much better prepared you'll be if you've been doing it all along at home.”

I nodded halfheartedly. “Yeah, I suppose that makes sense.”

He patted me on the back. “Don't worry about it. If it's God calling, nothing will bring you greater joy than answering.”

I tried to smile. “I'm sure you're right. Thanks.”

Well, I still don't feel any great joy about the foreign mission field, but it is a consolation to think about being a missionary right where I am. I mean, I realize how much the kids at school need God. If any place could use a missionary, it's probably Harrison High. I just don't know if I'm up to the task. Maybe I'll ask Beanie what she thinks.

Well, I did tell Beanie about what Tony said (just about reaching out to our high school, NOT about the foreign missionary business!), and so we've actually been praying on our way to school this week. We're asking that God will use us to reach others and that He'll show us who needs to be reached. And Beanie starts listing off all these kids who've got problems at home or school–kids I would've called “losers” last year. But not anymore. And so I'm looking for ways to reach out to them. And it's amazing how surprised someone can be when she figures out you're for real and not just jerking her chain. I think
I've actually started a couple of new relationships.

So, guess what happens next? Jenny Lambert comes up to me right before English Lit and starts talking to me, saying how she misses me and wants to be friends again, and all this stuff. “Of course,” I say. “Why not?” But at the same time I'm feeling half flattered and half confused. Like, how does this fit into my plan of being a missionary at school? I mean, because I really do like Jenny (okay, I might not have liked everything she did last year, but as a person, I think she's okay). And we actually had fun together. But how can I be a “missionary” to someone like Jenny? And furthermore, how would I explain it to Beanie? Especially when it was greatly due to my friendship with Jenny (last year) that I dumped Beanie like yesterday's news. So now I'm in a quandary and I'm not sure what to do. Other than to pray.