It's Not About You (19 page)

"Now, During those first six years I became mom. I lived it, ate it, drank it. I kept the house clean, the food cooked, the groceries bought, the kid happy, fed and exercised. I didn't see my old friends, except for Kyle who still texted me from time to time and sent me pictures. But then eventually those went away when Burt abruptly decided to get a worse phone contract with a limited data-plan and I was corralled into just a few texts, but only with someone with our carrier. Because then I had to add them to the phone and he could see who I was talking with."
 

Now his jaw dropped. "Wait…he was monitoring your calls?"
 

"And texts. He would go through my phone and read and look at everything when I was asleep. And trust me, after the long days I used to have, I slept like a stone. I'd fine things removed, deleted, and people's phone numbers blocked."
 

"Why in the hell did you stay like that?"
 

I pursed my lips a minute. "Ever heard of Kerrie Washington's Purple Purse?"
 

"No?"

"It's a campaign against domestic abuse, and she fights against what is known as financial abuse. Women who put up with their controlling, asinine husbands because they have no financial way out. They don't have jobs, they've been kept isolated and they can't afford the divorce."
 

"Jesus. But he never physically hit you."
 

"No. Burt's not violent like that. He's verbally abusive, but I also think and this hasn't been proven yet, but I think he's got a mental problem. Socially he's inept. Doesn't understand the nuisances of conversation. Like, when he calls you, he wants to talk about him and only him. You can't get a word in edge-wise because he'll just keep right on talking over you. What you say isn't as important as what he says."
 

"Oh," Michael sat up and set his coffee mug on the hearth behind us. "That's not mental illness. That's being a classic narcissist."
 

"Yeah. Well. Look up the definition for that word and you'll find Burt's picture printed there. Everything pretty much has to revolve around him, which is why he liked it when I didn't have a life, or friends, because that freed me up to work on him and his needs."
 

"What a jackass. So when did you come to your senses?"
 

"It happened slowly. As Tanae got older and she was in school, I took that time during the day to look for jobs. To go out and do things and when I got involved in something or I was out with Kyle and having a good time, mom would pick up Tanae. She liked to be at the house when he got home because he didn't know how to act with her around. He would want to yell and commence on his ass-holery but mom intimidated him.
 

"And the more I branched out and started finding myself again, I liked it and he didn't. Now, all this time the marriage was…well it sucked. I hated making love to him 'cause let's face it. He's got a little dick and after having a baby I needed something much larger."

Michael had just brought his coffee up to his lips and now snorted and grabbed a napkin. He was laughing. "Warn me next time on that."
 

"Sorry. Warning is not my style. So anyway, I got back into the job market even though it didn't pay much of anything, my slight independence paved the way for the fourteen year accusation that I was having an affair. I heard it at least once a month if not two. He would be sane for about a week, then go into a dark funk and not talk and then there would be a week of growling and glaring, which would build up into a week of bitchy snapping and snide remarks just before he'd have a melt down and begin with things like, 'This isn't going to work anymore' and 'You fucking other people is what ended this relationship.' "
 

"Are you serious?"

"Yeah. But he always kept that part of things between us. He wouldn't go all ugly and snot mouthed except when he and I were alone. Tanae or anybody else never saw the crazy. Just me." I started laughing when I remembered his face. His flared nostrils, his crazy eyes. "There was one time he got some wild hair up his ass and came down stairs stark naked and demanded I talk to him, which of course meant listen to him. I was doing laundry or something and there he was. Naked. In the basement. Hair all out like Einstein's. I mean, how can you take anyone serious when they're flop'n in the wind like that."
 

He was rolling on the floor now. "This can't be real."
 

"Yeah, it is. That call that night? The one you witnessed? That's nothing. Eventually Tanae started noticing things about her dad that irritated her and she said to me she thought he was a bit touched sometimes. Eventually the recession hit and I went through a variety of jobs until I hit a wall. And he was once again fully supporting us. Then when she was fourteen…it was Christmas and we were at his parents' house in Florida. They live in Orlando and he wanted to stay there for two weeks—which meant we were going to miss my family's holiday. But that didn't matter." I held up my hand with a fist. "Because he's the one paying the bills, he gets things his way!
 

"He finally wigged out in front of his mom, and unfortunately, Tanae. Something happened to the car on the way down and the last I heard of it when we arrived was he and his father talking about taking it to a shop after Christmas. The next day I asked him if he was still going to take it to a garage and he bit my head off. Telling me not to worry about the car that he and his dad were taking care of it."
 

I could remember that moment like it was yesterday. I'd seen his crazy before, but no one else had. And the last person I wanted to see it was our daughter. I kind of wanted her to be oblivious that her dad wasn't a total nut job. But later that day while sitting in the living room, he started muttering about how he was going to take me home.
 

Tanae had asked him what it was he was saying and I looked at him. He looked at me with pure hate and evil in his eyes and said, "You don't belong here. No one wants you here. I'm taking you home. I'm putting you in that car in the morning and I'm taking you home."
 

I told Michael this and all the color drained from his face. "He did that in front of your daughter?"

"And his mother. Yeah. We fought. He wanted me to take a ride with him to take the argument away from the house but I watched too much murder TV and I wasn't about to go anywhere with him. But then he accused me of sleeping with my best friend's husband."
 

"You don't mean Kyle."
 

"No. My best friend Linda. She and I had become partners in crime. We told each other everything. Talked…every day. For ten years she was a part of my life, just as her son was a part of our daughter's life. They were the same age and liked the same things.
 

"She died from a stroke and my world sort of fell apart." I snorted. "He'd moved to Boston by then while Tanae and I stayed in Atlanta. He'd been there for five years and I she knew how much happier I was when he wasn't around. He wasn't there judging and complaining and accusing. A few days after her funeral, before he was supposed to go back, he started in the argument that he was more upset than me. That he had introduced us so I should be sadder for him."
 

"Wait…what?"

"Oh, it's his way. He has to be the center of attention and he wasn't. So he had to direct us all back to him. I hated him then. Just…hated him. And I wanted him to go." I sipped my coffee. It was cold now and tasted like creamer flavored coffee drink. "But in Florida, not even six months after she was dead and gone, Burt accused me of fucking her widower."
 

I looked at Michael. He didn't say anything.
 

"I heard something snap. Sort of like… a glass rod breaking. And everything I'd ever felt for him just vanished, and I realized I was standing there in the dark outside in Florida looking at a frightened little boy. A stupid, narcissistic, little prince with no kingdom." I gave a short sigh. "That's when we talked and for the first time I agreed to a divorce. I didn't love him. I didn't even like him. I wanted him out of my life. But with Tanae, that wasn't going to happen. And we weren't financially set for a divorce. They are expensive. So we decided to wait till she turned eighteen. No child support or custody issues. Just a divorce."
 

"Was it amicable?"
 

"Hell no. This is Doctor Burt J. Murphy here. It's all his way or no way. And I wasn't willing to give him anything. This time I fought and my mom financed it, just to get that son of a bitch out. That divorce was final just after Tanae started her Freshman year."
 

"So you've been divorced a year."
 

"Yep."
 

"And I'm your first since the divorce."
 

"Yep. Actually since the marriage and divorce. I never cheated on Burt no matter what he wanted to believe. Oh, and I did date Detective Taylor for a while, but that didn't work out. We were officially separated."
 

Michael sucked on his lower lip as he thought. "So first, Burt would hate the fact you're seeing anyone, regardless of age or color or race, and second, the fact there is a rather interesting age difference between us would really upset him."

I looked at him. "Oh, he'd swear you and I have been seeing each other the whole time he and I were married. But since we were married nearly eighteen years, that would have made you…" I did math. "Like…fourteen?"
 

"Uh…yikes?" He moved in close to me and we sat side by side with our backs to the fire but we could see the moon through the trees over the mountains out the window. "So you've been trying to avoid what you know will be the inevitable confrontation with Burt once he knows you're seeing someone."
 

"Yes. Well, not so much with Burt because fuck him."
 

"No thanks."
 

"Tanae's the one I'm really worried about. She's never seen me with anyone but her dad, and even though she'll publicly agree the divorce was the best thing—"

"Seeing you with someone else might pop the clutch in her paradigm?"
 

I laughed and agreed as I set my cold mug on the hearth to my left and nodded as I turned my body to face him. "Teenagers, or young adults like that…they think they're invincible or accepting of the world. They think they're immortal."
 

"Ah…yes." He shifted to face me and his eyes glowed blue behind his glasses. "I seem to remember that age, as I'm sure you do. But that's not all of it."
 

"What's not all of what?"
 

He took my hand in his. "Grace, we've been together a month, and it has been the best month of my life. You interest me, excite me, feed me—and not just food, and you make me the happiest I've been in a very long time. But you have a much deeper past than I do, one that involves a husband and a child. You're just trying to figure out who you are again."
 

I didn't know what to say…because he was saying it all right. "Wow."
 

"And I think you care the same for me, or close to the same way. I don't think having to fit me into your life like that is necessary. Not yet. And you might not ever want that." He moved a finger over my cheek and I felt goose bumps where goosebumps shouldn't be. "I think this is stopping something between us. I could be wrong, but what I'd like to do now is to assure you, you don't have to share what we have with your family. Not yet. We're still learning to be us, so how can we be a part of them or how can they relate to us if we're not sure who we are yet?"
 

I opened my mouth and then closed it. "Did you make that up or did you quote that?"
 

"I made it up. By accident, actually. I just want you to know I get it. You and I are only a month old. And we may not be ready to be thrust into family and old ghosts." He leaned in and pressed a soft kiss to my lips. "You're worried about Thanksgiving, aren't you?"
 

"Uh huh." Yeah the kiss sort of wiped my hard drive. What were we talking about? There's a good looking man alone with me in the cabin, in the woods. Why aren't we naked?
 

"Then let's not worry about Thanksgiving, okay? You do what you have to do and let's make a date to meet back up that Sunday night. That good?"

I put both of my hands to his face and pulled him close for a deep, passionate kiss. When it was done I smiled at him. "You're too perfect, Michael. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop."
 

"Oh I got some shoes that will drop from time to time." He moved close to me and I bent backwards to the rug beneath us. "And I will share all of them with you. But for right now…" he moved his kisses over my cheek, my jaw and down into my neck.
 

"Stop talking," I whispered as I covered my lips with his and carefully removed his glasses. Once they were untangled from his hair and ears I set them on the hearth and continued kissing him.