Jacked (61 page)

“Cher,” Marcus groaned.

She shut him down with a glare. “I was just going to say that he’s been through a lot and I’d hate to see his heart get broken.”

Marcus rolled his eyes, clearly not supporting his wife’s intervention. It was quite the dynamic, seeing as Cherise was a tiny thing compared to the linebacker of a man she was married to.

I’d hoped Adam would come back soon before they accused me of something. I couldn’t see him anywhere through the crowd. “I think if anyone’s going to get hurt here, it will probably be me.”

Cherise’s eyebrows rolled up on her forehead. “How you figure?”

I’d think that was obvious. “Ex-girlfriends, enamored fan girls… He has
a lot
more options for variety than I do.” I took another bite of my cake, savoring a renewed taste of the memory of vanilla icing before the other thoughts took me down. “I see winos and crackheads with gunshot wounds. It’s not like my dance card has a waiting line.”

Her long fingernails twirled in my direction. I was thirty years old and I’d never treated myself to a professional manicure. “See now, that’s the thing. He isn’t like that.”

I met her head on, knowing her scrutiny was coming from her love for Adam. It was respectable. “I know.” Nikki was still watching me from the other side of the room. “I don’t think his ex got that memo though.”

“Psht. That girl needs to get a clue. That trip’s been over for a
long
time. She needs to move the fuck along.”

“Cher,” Marcus warned low again.

She just ignored him, cutting into her cake with the side of her fork. “He’s different with you. I ain’t ever seen him like this. I gotta say, I’m liking it. ’Bout time he found his slice of happy.”

“Word,” Marcus agreed.

“I’m telling ya,” she answered.

Part of me had wondered how this evening was going to play out. Adam had forewarned me about Nikki being here but his partner’s wife was a bit unexpected. At least his friends looked out for him. That said a lot, actually.

“Adam tell you about Sadie’s birthday party?”

I tried to read her since it was appearing as though I should know what she was talking about. “Sadie?”

She dabbed her mouth with her napkin. “Our daughter. She’s turning two and we’re having a birthday party. You should come. Adam’s a great godfather, so he’ll be there.”

“He’s her godfather?” My mind flashed to a church scene, picturing him smiling fondly.

She nodded. “He didn’t tell you?”

“Mmn, no.”

“Well, it’s not this Sunday but next Sunday. Two o’clock. Make sure he brings you. We’d love to have you there.”

Mmm. Okay.

“I’ll tell him,” she added. “Those two have something special. Sadie lights up like he’s Santa or something when he’s around her. Adam’s great with kids. Who knows… you keep this good vibe going with him, you’ll be having your own babies before ya know it.”

Babies? Oh fuck
. My bite of cake hit like a bowling ball in my gut when I swallowed.

“Cher, getting ahead of yourself,” Marcus droned low.

“I don’t think so. He’s your partner; you going to deny that boy’s in love? You seeing what I’m seeing?”

“Yeah, but… not sure that’s any of our business.”

“Psht. Adam is my business. He’s your business, too. Someone’s got to make sure he stays the course. And look at her. Sweet and gorgeous and smart. The two of them will make beautiful babies.”

Babies???

I don’t want to have babies.

Babies made women insane.

Damning fingerprints.

Broken collarbones.

Perforated kidneys.

Buying ethylene glycol by the gallons. Why?

No.

No, no. no.

I won’t be a statistic.

It was hard to breathe.

Cherise going on and on about it; her insanity was shining through bright and clear.

Adam would want children. Wouldn’t he?
“I don’t even know if that’s what he wants.”

I started sweating again without even moving. I needed air. Cold, refreshing air, preferably at sixty miles per hour while holding my head out of the window as I sped in the opposite direction of this table.

“Here he is. Ask him,” she said.

Adam slid into his chair next to me. “Ask me what?”

“You want kids, right?” she asked bluntly.

He was totally caught off guard. “I don’t know. I guess.”

Her eyes were like laser beams. “What do you mean, you guess? I know you do.”

He was uncomfortable, being put on the spot like that.

“Well, yeah, I guess. Eventually.” He stared at me as if I was the one who’d lost her mind. “Where did this all come from?”

I gestured across the table, wishing I could shrink down and hide under the tablecloth. I needed to escape. “Where were the bathrooms?”

Adam pointed. “Down the hallway on the right.”

“Excuse me please.” The doorway was promising all sorts of air on the other side. My high heels had me leaning forward, quickening my steps.

I didn’t really need to pee, but hiding in a stall for the rest of the evening was starting to sound promising.

I made it three steps inside the ladies’ room before I almost ran over the bride.

I pulled up quickly before falling over a pool of white taffeta.

She was standing in front of the bank of sinks, cursing and crying, using wads of paper towels to wipe the mess of cake and icing off her face. Cake was everywhere: her hair, her nose, and down the front of a very poufy gown.

The tradition of smashing cake in each other’s faces was disgusting. It was so disrespectful, like saying “here, bitch, fuck you” and defiling hours of beautification with no mutual consideration.

The way she was privately distressed, I’d say she agreed with me.

“Do you need help?”

Her bottom lip wobbled. “Would you?”

I yanked a wad of paper towels from the container, not really knowing where to start. I picked a spot near her neck. “He got you good.”

“Bastard,” Ellie groaned. “Shoved the whole piece at me. I told him not to, but…” She sighed. “My dress is ruined.”

I had no idea how to remove red icing from white either.

Ellie gave me a weak smile. “Thanks. You’re Erin, right? Adam’s new girlfriend?”

I tossed a chunk of cake into the garbage. “Yes. Sorry we’re meeting like this. I hadn’t had an opportunity to meet you before.”

“It’s okay. I’m just glad for the help. My maid of honor is drunk off her ass. My mom is gonna be so pissed when she sees these stains. Two grand in the mutha-effin toilet.”

“Maybe if we get some club soda some of this will come out.”

Ellie swiped at the black smear that had now turned gray. “It’s no use.”

I pulled a chunk of icing from her dark hair. “Do you have another outfit you can put on?”

“No. I thought the whole point was to have my husband take me out of this dress later.” She smacked the garbage can lid as she disposed of the last of her wet paper towels. “Fucking A. I am so mad. How could he do this to me? Take note, being married to a cop isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Ask Nikki. She learned that the hard way.”

My brain almost imploded. “They were married?”

“No, well, almost,” Ellie said, squinting at me. “He didn’t…? They had a date set but… I probably shouldn’t be telling you this.”

“No, please. Go on.”

“Apparently Adam was having fun on the side with some fan or something. I’m not sure of the details, just what Nikki told me.” More cake hit the sink. “Woman to woman, just be careful, okay?”

Oh my God.
My stomach churned, burning acidic torment up into my throat
.

“But that doesn’t… Oh, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said anything. You know what I mean. You must have been shitting yourself that night they pulled you over.”

I didn’t know how to answer. I feared anything I’d try to say would come out as a scream. Washing the icing stains from my hands was a good diversion, though hiding in the bathroom had turned into a huge mistake.

“You know all the guys in the unit are sorry about what happened to your relatives. Weird. Jesse said they almost had that car pulled over, too.” She tisked. “If Adam and Marcus hadn’t tried to pull them over—”

The bathroom lighting seemed to dim. “Wait, what?”

“Jesse said they were told to pull back but I guess Adam knew the driver or something and kept going after them. Once a car gets out onto the Schuylkill it’s just a matter of time.”

A pain shot through my forehead. “Adam knew the guys that killed my aunt and uncle?”

“Yeah.” She nodded. “You didn’t know that?”

Her words disappeared behind me.

This new information twisted in my gut, driving my feet to move. I hit the hallway and stopped, unsure of which way to go. I had my purse under my arm and enough cash for a taxi. Adam was in the other direction, scorching my mind as the source of this increasing misery.

Left or right—either choice left me hurt in the end.

I don’t want to do this anymore
.

The secrets. The lies. Settling for a piece of a man’s heart instead of the whole. What he’d already given away to another would never be mine.

I should have prepared for this. I knew it was coming, but I tricked myself. Told myself that if I ignored it, it would just simply disappear.

The irrational hopelessness doubled me over.

Inviting someone in always left me broken and doomed to making concessions with what I wanted out of life.

My mother was seeing a grief counselor now just to cope—cope with the tragedy that he’d somehow had caused.

He knew.

Son of a bitch! He knew!

He knew that night he ran out of my living room!

What was this?
Was this relationship appeasing his guilt?

Anguish flamed over me.

Watching him from afar as he smiled and laughed, so carefree and unaffected, while I crumbled inside. I couldn’t face him. Not yet. Not when I wanted to scream and cry and throw up. I needed to gather my thoughts.

I found a settee at the end of the hallway. Seeing Nikki’s smug face when she came out of the ladies’ room was the final straw. My hands shook as I searched for a taxi service. Cell reception inside the building was poor. The little icon on my screen swirling in a circle mirrored my emotions. My eyes stung.

“Erin?” Adam’s voice echoed.

I knew if I looked up he’d see the unshed tears in my eyes.

“Babe, are you okay?”

I held my breath, afraid to let any sound escape.

Adam crouched down in front of me. “Erin, what’s wrong?”

EVERYTHING!

The word rattled around inside me; a fury of sound punishing my sanity. “Nothing. I’m, um… I’m just not feeling well.”

“You sick?”

I’m dying.

“Can you?”
Breathe. Just breathe
. “I’m going to go home. You stay. Have fun. I’ll call a cab.”

“If you’re sick, I’ll take you home.”

I thought you were my home
.

I knew he was concerned but inner rage was warring with my rationale. “I’ll be fine.”

“I’ll get our coats.” He was already taking a step away.

“No, really. You stay. I can find my own way home.”

That instantly displeased him. “Stay put. I’ll be right back. You’re not leaving here without me.”

God, why did he have to be nice? Why couldn’t he be a typical jerk and leave me to my own devices so I could hate him even more? Maybe he should take me directly to the hospital, because the pain consuming me was excruciating.

My pulse was elevated, galloping instead of beating.

My skin felt like it was on fire. My chest was tight. My inner practitioner started listing symptoms and treatments.

He. Knew.

He stayed away from me for an entire week, sneaking around my house, making repairs to my shit. Why? To make himself feel better? He’d said he tried to stay away from me. I distinctly remembered those words coming out of his mouth.

And now I’d put my heart out there. Given it to him.

I needed to make an appointment with a Cardiologist as soon as possible. Maybe some crack whore died tonight and I could receive her hardened, uncaring heart. I’d give her mine willingly. Wouldn’t take long to gather a transplant team together;
anything
to take the pain away.

Agony.

Adam held my long wool coat out for me. “Stay inside. It’s raining. I’ll get the truck.”

My eyes slid closed while the rest of me crumbled.

It was a silent twenty-five minute drive; my only words being that I wanted him to take me home to my house when it appeared that he was headed to his. “You don’t want to stay at my place?”

He sounded wounded; his expectations were not my own.

If I’d only waited another ten minutes instead of running to the restroom. Why did Ellie feel the need to ruin me so effectively? Did she have an ulterior motive? Didn’t matter. The fact still remained that he knew and didn’t tell me. I could understand, in a way, why he chose to keep it secret. We’d be right here where we were now, well, me at least, but it would have happened weeks ago.

Too many thoughts were slamming into each other, flashing like the lightning that rippled through the sky. I couldn’t form a solid resolution on anything. Feelings too numerous to identify bombarded the spaces in between, leaving me dizzy and disoriented within my own head.

“I’m just gonna go to sleep.”

“You feeling that bad? Do you think it was something you ate?”

The only answer I was capable of was in the form of a non-committal shrug.

Adam pulled into my miniscule driveway and shut off the lights.

My mind told me not to, but the swell of emotions pushed the words out in a whisper. “Were you ever going to tell me?”

He turned toward me. “Tell you what?”

“About the accident. About the chase before it.”

“Jesus,” Adam groaned, cupping his head in his hand.

“You knew. For weeks you’ve known.”

“Erin. What do you want me to say?”

Nothing. There was nothing to be said, just a final admission.

“Do you want children?”