Jackie's Week (16 page)

"You’re right. I was angry at myself. While
lying in the hospital bed I had time to examine my life. I realized
my life before the attack was a lousy life. It was a life not worth
returning to. After Bout, I was left with nothing, my former
personality had been erased and I realized forty-eight years of
living hadn’t amounted to a blasted thing. I’d wasted it all."

"You’ve got a lot of guilt. What you’re
saying is, you blame yourself for not knowing how to live life. A
big load to carry. That’s what we are going to be working on for a
long time to come. The good news is that your conscience is
functioning again. It's building a bridge between your truer self
and God. The real you is starting to emerge."

"Maybe you're right. Maybe I am ready to try
life again. While I was in your coffin, I began to understand Bout
didn’t kill me. He failed. He’s the loser, not me. I finally
understood I’m still alive. As pathetic as my life is, it’s my
life, and it’s worth a lot more than I gave it credit for. I think
I want to build a new life, but the problem is, I don’t know
how."

"It’s going to take time. Believe me, I know.
I’m still working every day on mine."

"But where do I even start?"

"You start by respecting the damaged area. By
accepting that it’s there, and that just because it’s there doesn’t
mean your life has no value. You start by understanding that you
must face the evil which has lodged itself in you. You must face it
a hundred times a day and beat it back. Then it will begin to
leave."

"Okay. I’ll try and respect the damage. And
I’ll try and adjust to the notion that I’m going to be screwed up
for years. Anything else?"

Black laughed. "We’re going to start by
throwing a party," Black said. "Today is Wednesday. I want you to
call the people most important to you and invite them to a party on
Friday morning. We’re going to have balloons, food, champagne,
cake, music, and the works. We’re going to celebrate the start of
your new life!"

"I think I’m going to cry. That’s the most
beautiful thing anybody’s ever said to me."

"You should celebrate. You’re a beautiful
person. You’ve come to terms with what life’s all about."

"Which is?"

"There’s that old Japanese saying. You only
live twice. The first time is when you are born. The second time
when you look death in the face. A meaningful life is a life lived
in the face of death. A near-death experience is a kind of baptism.
It’s actually a promotion. A gift that leads to true life. Death is
actually what makes life so precious."

"You act like I’m one of the fortunate
ones."

"You are. Most people are unconscious from
the day they born until the day they die. You have been chosen for
something greater."

"I know for certain one day I’ll die," Jackie
said, "but until then my job is to make my life worth living, not
only for myself, but so I can help others—especially Donna."

"And with the help of the people who love
you," Black said, "your life will unfold into something beautiful
beyond your dreams. So tell me, are you going to pick Bout out of
the lineup today?"

"I think so. I keep going back and forth. I’m
going to decide for real when I see Johnson."

"A final instruction, if you will. You need
to rediscover religion in your life."

"That’s a tall order. Seeing as how I
probably do not want to ever speak to God again."

"What religion were you raised in?"

"Catholic. But I’ve been away too long. I
can’t go back."

"You might try again. At least you’re
familiar with it. It might help you begin uncovering the graces you
received during your assault."

"Graces received during my assault?"

"Evil does not exist in a vacuum. It is
always accompanied by a greater good. It may be hard for you to
grasp, but the basis of all healing is the belief that the universe
is basically good, in spite of appearances to the contrary.
Somewhere, deep down inside of you, hidden away, are the graces you
received in your soul at the same time you received the marks of
evil."

"Dr. Black, inside myself, there is only
darkness. All that remains are my fears and my desire to get
revenge on Viktor Bout. I just don’t have any religion left in me.
I have awakened in the night many times after the dream, soaking in
sweat, and I have cursed God with all my might at those times."

"Then make that your starting point when you
reconnect to your religion."

"My spiritual journey starts with me cursing
God?"

"What? God can’t handle a little trash talk?
He's a big boy. He's a professional. Besides, that’s where
everybody’s journey starts. You don’t think Adam maybe cursed God
just a tad when he was thrown from the Garden into the field of
thorns?"

"Dr. Black, what is your real name?"

Black looked at her and then away. "My name
is Karen Qumayousie," she said. "Then something terrible happened
to me as a young girl, and I changed my name to Black. Black is not
a color. It is the absence of color. But Black also contains all
the colors within itself. That's how I see myself. I contain all
the colors, especially when things turn black."

Jackie looked around her, at the place where
she nearly lost her life, at the proud oasis of Gelson’s at the
foot of the Santa Monica mountains, with it’s tall green hedges of
oleanders and vines, its magnificent patio covered in smoked glass,
the bright-orange brick facing with its foam-white trim, at the
flow of living souls moving within and without the great, colorful
organism.

"You know," Jackie said, "I can’t tell you
how hard it is to hear what you’re saying right now. If you were to
ask me an hour from now what you just said, I couldn't tell you.
But somehow some part of me is hearing you. But in spite of that, I
suddenly feel very glad to be alive. I’m going to take it on faith
that something good is waiting for me beyond my pain. Although it
will take a miracle to bring life to my dead insides."

"Just don't fight it. This is only your first
few days," Black replied. "You’ve got a lot of balls up in the air.
It won’t come together all at once. Sometimes you’ll be moving
forward, and sometimes it will seem like you’re back where you
started. But it’s all taking you to your destiny in a universe
filled with love. Religion is part of that universe. Think of your
soul as a burning flame. It needs a place to burn safely. Religion
is the fireplace where your soul can burn without destroying your
house."

They shared the moment in silence, comforted
and cushioned from the outside world by the spacious chamber of the
Suburban, its heavy leather-on-metal surroundings a comfort to the
body, it’s weaponry in the glove box a comfort to the mind, it’s
powerful engine a comfort to the soul and spirit.

"Dr. Black, when I invite the people to my
party, where shall I tell them to come?"

"Tell them to join us in the Gelson’s parking
lot. We’re going to celebrate your new life on the very spot where
you lost your old one."

Chapter 27

Johnson picked up the phone. "Johnson."

"It’s me," Jackie said. "There was a delivery
guy at my doorstep this morning with flowers and a pound bag of
Jamaican blue, but no card."

"Is there any doubt who sent it? You no
longer have a favorite place, but you can still have a favorite
coffee."

"Thank you, Johnson. That was very sweet. If
you are trying to buy my affections, it’s working great. But there
is more you can do."

"Such as?"

"You promised to help me learn to use a
gun."

"We’re still on? I wasn’t sure after last
night."

"Johnson, stop being the center of the
universe. Just because you didn’t get laid after a first date which
ended in a criminal threat to my life, you think the world has
ended. Of course we’re still on. Although I don’t know if I’m
really ready for anything with you. I avoided telling my shrink
about you. Well, I mentioned you, but in no great detail."

"Why not?"

"I started to tell her about our date, but I
just said that I had dinner with a cop. I didn’t dress it up any.
And as for why not, for one thing, the woman is like a psychic fire
hose. She just blasts away at me until there is nothing left. I’ve
given her so much in so short a time period, maybe I just want to
keep something for myself. Something private that won’t be messed
with."

"Kind of like I’m the bad boy you don’t want
Mommy to know about?"

"Kind of. It’s like I really don’t want
anybody to know. Maybe I don’t even want myself to know. But forget
about that for now. What about the gun?"

"I need to give you at least one lesson. The
truth is, you should take a course requiring you to learn the law,
and combat techniques, and proficiency. I would normally expect you
to fire over a thousand rounds before I thought you had even a
perfunctory knowledge of the handgun. But to hell with that."

"There’s just no time for that," she
said.

"Very true. So we’ll at least have one lesson
today. Although plan on having many more."

"Good. Meanwhile, I’ve got some good
news."

"We can always use that around here."

"The good news is I’m through being the
perfect victim. I’m dropping that gig. I’ve decided instead to be
an amazing person. No matter how many flashbacks I have."

"You’re amazing me right now."

"I’ll show you amazing," Jackie said.
"Amazing is, I’m speaking to you from right outside your
office."

"I know," he said.

"Yeah. My cop shadow told you. But did he
tell you Bienenfeld loaned me his limousine? He said I shouldn’t
drive the Lexus, because Bout’s buddies have seen it, but if I took
the limo, Bout’s friends couldn’t recognize me even if they had my
usual places staked out."

"Bout lost a few teeth this morning," Johnson
said. "Not because of me. He slipped and landed on his face in the
toilet in his cell."

"Right."

"I’m coming down. I’ll be on the sidewalk in
ten seconds," Johnson said.

"Not so fast. I’m coming up. I’ve got a
present I want to deliver."

She disembarked the limo and entered the
building, signing in and clipping on the badge.

"I never really noticed those plaques on the
wall before," she said to the desk officer. "Those are the officers
who lost their lives in the line of duty, aren’t they?"

"Yes ma’am."

"Johnson tells me Heinz’ owner lost his life
in the line of duty. Is his name on the wall?"

"No," the officer said. "That would be Jack
Visio, who lost his life in pursuit of a felon in the Devonshire
Division. His plaque would be down at Metro, where the K-9 Platoon
is stationed."

Jackie wondered if Visio’s widow now had some
kind of mental disorder. She wondered just how many damaged,
hurting women there were in the world. Putting the thought aside,
she climbed the stairs and found her way to Johnson’s corner
office. She realized there was more than the usual amount of heads
poking above the cubicles on the main floor—heads staring in her
direction.

She recognized what she saw in the men’s
faces. It was something she hadn’t seen for a long time. Their
eager appraisal drenched her insides like a soft spring rain. It’s
me, she thought. They are looking at me. She stood in the doorway.
Johnson was on the phone, his eyes down. She struck a pose and
glanced back. All eyes were still upon her. She looked at Johnson,
noticing that even he had on a new shirt, a little frayed around
the collar, but what used to be a nice one. It also appeared he’d
gotten a much-needed haircut.

"I can see I’ve done and said a number of
things you don’t like," he said to whoever it was on the other end
of the phone. Looking up, he glanced at Jackie and made a
ridiculous clown face. "Okay," he continued. "I’m sorry you feel
that way. I understand. Sometimes differences come up between two
people that can’t be resolved. Good-bye." He hung up and waved her
to a chair. "My ex-wife’s lawyer. The guy’s going to have a bad
fall from a roof one morning and give a whole new meaning to the
phrase terminal velocity."

"Ex-wife? You never told me you were married
before."

"I’m sorry. I should have said
something."

"Johnson, I thought I knew you! I can’t
believe this! You just took my trust and threw it right out the
window."

"I hate myself," he said. "I was trying to
figure out how to tell you. First of all, I never really thought
you and I would become an item. And when things started to develop,
I panicked. I was afraid if you knew I was finalizing a divorce
that you’d throw me under the bus."

"What else aren’t you telling me? Do you have
kids?"

"A daughter. But she’s married and lives in
Phoenix. And she hates me."

"Johnson, I could kill you. We hardly know
each other and you’re already keeping secrets!" She fumbled in her
purse and came out with her vial of pills. "Excuse me," she said.
"But you have totally upset me. And at least this is better than
vodka."

"I’m sorry. It’s not something I’m terribly
proud of. I was afraid you wouldn’t want me with all my baggage. My
marital situation has been very painful the past two years. But
it’s just about over."

"I am trying," she said, "with all my might,
to stay in the room with you right now. And whether I continue to
do so depends on two questions, and you better not lie, because
this time I will know."

"I’ll tell you anything you want to know," he
said.

"Question one. Why did you leave your
wife?"

He sighed and looked down. "That’s a tough
one," he said. "There is really no easy answer. The truth is, I was
married to the job. A couple of years back, when my daughter got
married and moved out, my wife told me it was over. She hit me with
it right out of the blue. She told me that she’d kept the marriage
together all those years for the sake of our daughter. She asked me
to move out."