Jalan Jalan (27 page)

Is that true? Is this as it really is? Is this the real world?

Get a grip. Get a grip get a grip get a grip. Heart beats in my ears every ten seconds. Too slow. It's too slow. Speed up heart. Speed up. It just gets louder.

Get a grip getagripgetagrip.

Everything's back. The stars are still. My heart is silent in my ears. Thank you. I don't like this high. The other three are back in focus. Back to looking real, but mad. Julie tapping and still doing that eyebrow thing, Marty cross-legged smiling at the sky like an alien spacecraft is landing. Kim bulging eyes. He's talking to himself. Smoking a joint, lit up by the lights of the hotel path, a dark deep mass behind him. But I'm back. I stand.

‘I'm going to—' My heart. Thump. Where's the next thump. Where is it? I'm slipping again. Where is that thump? Fuck, my heart's stopped.

‘My fucking heart's stopped.' I claw my chest.

‘Relax. It's still there, beating. Bendy time, remember.' Who said that? I look from Marty to Kim to Julie. Back to Marty.

‘Bendy,' Marty says. ‘Just go with it. Don't panic.'

I sit again. Shut my eyes. Stars are too much. Too much shooting light.

‘Joint.' A bullet between my eyes. I open them. Kim's massive finger is prodding me. Some orange light is shooting around next to it. ‘Joint. Take it. Calm you down.'

I grab the orange light and turn it away so it faces Kim. Strong on my throat. Thump goes my heart. Thumpthumpthump. I give the orange light back. It leaves a trail in the dark. Close my eyes again. Orange trail burnt into them. It moves and wavers and streaks and then fades.

‘You having a bad one?' Marty's voice from the dark.

‘Leave him. He's OK. Aren't you?' Hot hand rubbing my arm.

‘Newbie, Newbie. Bad trippin'.'

Bad trippin'? Me? Don't say that. Shit, what's a bad trip? Will I come out of it? Sometimes people don't, they just go mad and stay there, in a mad place. My mouth waters. Swallow. Swallow it away. No vomit. Don't say vomit. You say vomit you vomit. No vomit. Thump. A tap is on in my mouth. Thump. I can feel it through my chest. Vomit. No. No vomit. Hate vomit. Hot hand. Burning my arm. Get up. Plastic chair caught in my feet. Scrabbling on the floor. Get up. Kim laughing. Fuck you, Septic. Fucking idiot. Stars rain laser fallout on me. My eyes hurt. Thump. My body shakes with the force. Get away. Get away from these things. I can calm on my own. Need quiet. Get away. Climb the steps. One. Two three. Thump. Four. Watery mouth.

Sit. Breathe in. Breathe out. You'll be OK. Away from them. Small stick people by the lake. Can't hear them now. Calm down. Come back. I'm coming back. I can grasp normality. Got it. I lean back on the step, put my hands behind me for support. Idiots. Idiot. It's soft behind me. But isn't it concrete? I look at my hand. It's sinking into the step, into the grey concrete. I try to pull it out, but suction is holding it there, like I'm stuck in mud. Pull. Pull. Pullpull-pull. It's out. But shit. My other hand is sinking too. I pull it out and the concrete makes a sucking sound as the vacuum where my hand was is filled.

‘It's a bad trip, man.' Marty is suddenly next to me. His features are wobbling and the lines of him are blurred. He's half night, half man.

‘Yeah. The steps. Trying to suck me in.'

‘Just a bad trip. Go with it. Don't stress. It'll pass.'

I realise I've leant back again. My hand is in up to its wrist.

‘Go with it. The comedown's great. This bit will pass.' He's smiling like fucking Gandhi.

‘Thanks, Marty.' I turn my hand in front of my face. At least the concrete doesn't stick to me. But Marty, you're too close. I want alone. Alone. My mouth waters.

‘I promise you'll get out of it soon.'

‘Thanks, Marty,' I say. I swallow, fight the need to puke, ‘But please just piss off.' I spit.

Gandhi smile doesn't fade.

‘OK. No worries. We're down there if you need us.' Marty points back to the blackness and the two white things lurking on its edge. Then he is suddenly down there with them.

Right. Come back. Come on. Come back. It's just a trip. You won't puke. You'll be right as rain. I chant straightness at myself, and after half an hour, an hour, four hours, whatever, I feel a warmth spread across me as the concrete becomes solid and the stars slow down to a stop. I wait and make sure I'm not going to slide again. I count my heartbeats, regular, often, no time delay. I stare at the sky, willing the stars to move. They wobble a little, and shimmy, but no laser show. Is this a comedown? Thank God. Thank God.

Blackness is becoming dark blue in places. Mountains are silhouetted against it. Stars become faint against the changing colour of the sky.

I'm lying on the steps. Hard edges poke my back and behind my calves. Have I been sleeping? I sit up and the world skews for a moment, then levels out.

‘Come on down. It's beautiful down here.'

I look to the voice. Just two stick people huddled together by the lake, sitting on the ground. I stand and walk down to them. My feet are light, my chest is relaxed. I feel the need for company.

‘Come sit here.' Julie pats the ground beside her. She is wrapped in a blanket she shares with Marty. It's draped over their shoulders.

I sit and she pulls the blanket, taking some off Marty, and throws it over my shoulders. Her arm goes around my waist. I lean into her and put my arm around her. Marty's arm is already there but he doesn't move his and I don't move mine.

‘You better now?' asks Marty.

‘Yes. Much. Sorry about that.'

‘No worries. Been there myself.'

‘Where's Kim?' I ask.

‘He suddenly faded. I think he went to bed.'

‘How long was I up there?'

‘Don't know. Doesn't matter,' says Julie. Her head rests on Marty's shoulder. ‘Let's just watch this sunrise.'

We do. The dark blue becomes lighter. The black of the mountains becomes another shade of blue. The lake yet another. Everything is shades of blue. No other colour exists.

‘Would you just fucking look at that?' Marty smiles at the view. A silent view undergoing a slow slow change. ‘Beautiful.'

The mountains surround us. As they awake they grow bigger and bolder, showing their strength. The stars are fading to nothing. The blues keep changing. Cobalt, indigo, azure. The sun is still buried under the rock somewhere, slowly nearing the surface as all the other hues of its spectrum have yet to filter through this coming morning.

Marty is up and walks to the edge of the lake. Julie adjusts the blanket so I have more of it. The weight of her head is comfort on my shoulder. I tighten my grip on her waist. Tingling warmth spreads over my body, from my stomach down to my groin to a stretchy feeling in my toes and up through my chest and along my shoulders. It passes to Julie and the same passes from her to me. It's not sexual, or maybe it is, or is it just friendship, or is it some psychic knowing and enjoyment of this moment together?

‘Fucking just look at that.' Marty is on the end of the diving board, standing over the dark blue of the lake, holding both hands up to the mountains, the sky, the power of the world. ‘Isn't it the most beautiful fucking thing you ever saw?'

‘Yes, Marty, beautiful.' Julie speaks from my shoulder and sighs. Her hand is on my knee. I look at her face and her eyebrows are still. Her hand is calm on my leg.

‘Is this what a comedown always feels like?' My head rests on hers. I can smell apples.

‘This is a good one. This is a good sunrise and an amazing place. And you two are pretty fucking great too.' She squeezes my knee. ‘I feel so close to you two right now.'

‘Would you just look at this view? Come on. Join me out here. It's even better.' He has become all the shades of the morning. He has become part of this day. Standing on the board suspended between an ancient lake and an even more ancient sky and in front of hunks of beauty hewed by the violence of countless millennia ago.

I get up. I want to be a part of this. I pull Julie by her hand and we shimmy along the diving board. It's only just wider than the length of my feet but we all manage to huddle at the end, gently bouncing above the stillness of the water. The world is silent in expectation of the coming morning. We hold onto each other for support, arms around each other, Julie's head between mine and Marty's chests. He smiles at me, wide and happy and blissful. I smile back.

‘Just look at it,' he says, ‘just fucking look at it.'

I do. And I look and I look and I look, until finally most of the blues have gone, and the lake has become the lake, the mountains green mountains, and the sun has clambered up to a place just above the peaks to tell us tiredness must win, and comedowns must end.

I'm the first to break away.

‘Don't go. It's still beautiful.'

Julie falls into the space I took. It reminds me of sliding into the warm part of the bed when Laura's just got out. Both of Marty's arms are around Julie and hers are around him.

‘It is still beautiful. And it was great and the best and worst night almost of my life. But you two enjoy now. I'm off to sleep.' I walk up the steps towards my room.

‘Good night,' mutters a sleepy Julie.

‘Good morning.
Selamat pagiiii
,' I say. As I get to the top of the slope next to the door to my room I look back and watch as they walk together, wrapped in the blanket, towards Julie's room.

Right choice. I think. I'm happy to climb into bed alone, be calm and warm and tingling by myself.

The photos are tumbling again. I catch one and turn it round in my hand. It is blank. I drop it and catch another. Blank. Another. Blank. Why am I catching them? What do I want them for? I can't remember, but I must see something. There is something I must remember. What is it? I reach out with both hands. The air is filled with them; a blizzard of photos. I grab two handfuls and look at each one. Nothing.

‘Keep trying.' A voice from somewhere. Who was it? ‘Keep trying.' I put a hand to my mouth. My lips move. ‘Keep trying.'

More. I grasp more. Paper scrunched in my fists. Blank empty paper. It shouldn't be blank. What should I be seeing? One is falling from high up. Twisting and twirling amongst a thousand other spinning, empty photos. But this one has something on it. What is it? I jump to try to catch it, but it's just out of my reach. It spins. Is it a face? A face? But it spins too fast. I must get it. A face appearing so quickly then disappearing on the turn. I jump. I have it. I turn it around in my hand. It's a mash of melting colours, running off the paper and over my fingers, leaving the glossy paper blank. Blank. Just blank. Too late.

MEAT OR VEG?

G
eoff
takes three long strides into the staffroom, sits in his chair, pulls it close to his desk, puts his head down.

‘You alright?' I ask. I admire the interlocking squares I've just drawn on my blank lesson plan and contemplate where to start shading in.

‘He's just sacked me.'

‘What?'

‘Pak Andy. Just sacked me for this.' He looks up and shows us a shiner, puffy and dark blue. ‘I was just coming in and he saw me as I went past his office.'

‘He can't do that.' Julie swings around from her desk in her swivel chair.

‘Of course he can. No rules over here,' Marty is standing next to her. He squeezes Julie's shoulder. She wheels her chair a few inches away from him.

‘For having a black eye. I told you he was a cunt.'

‘Apparently it scares the students and I'm bringing the school into disrepute. But I've got a month.' Geoff touches the black blue around his half-closed eye.

‘How did you get it?' I ask.

‘How do you think? That Canadian bastard at Mei's.'

‘What? Barry?' asks Julie.

‘Yes. Don't ask why.'

I draw a spiral next to the blocks and lines doodled on my lesson plan.

‘But you still had six months left on your contract.' Marty sidles along to follow Julie's chair.

‘He's giving me a month to save up for my exit visa. He says he won't pay it as I breached the contract.'

‘Hold on.' Julie stands and steps across the room and sits in Kim's chair. ‘You haven't been given a contract, so how can you breach it?'

‘You try arguing that with him. Anyway, I don't want to talk about it.'

‘Why did Barry hit you?' Marty asks but is looking across at Julie, something hurt in his eyes.

‘I was in Mei's on Saturday night while you lot were getting high at Toba. I got drunk on my own and told him to lay off Mei. He was having a right go at her in front of the customers.'

‘Good for you.' Julie is nodding at him.

‘Not really. He whacked me. I ran out like a girl, then I expect he took more out on her.'