Read Jane Austen For Dummies Online
Authors: Joan Elizabeth Klingel Ray
Jane Austen For Dummies (25 page)
Playing the Dating Game: Courtship, Austen Style
In This Chapter
Dating in an age of many rules
Limiting “alone time”
Figuring out how to flirt
Securing a proposal at last
J
ane Austen's novels are frequently called
courtship novels
because they trace one or more young woman's courtship experience(s). Courting followed various rules and protocols that made getting to know each other far more difficult for young couples than it is today. Just spending too much time together led to gossip and speculation. But what is especially intriguing about reading an Austen novel is seeing how the author, while completely aware of the etiquette of courting, also respects the common sense and good morals of her characters as they deal with society's strict and often unreasonable, even hypocritical, notions about male-female relationships. (In this chapter, you experience the process of courting and what it really meant to “date” in Jane Austen's day.) Despite the difficulties involved, though, young couples met, courted, married, and lived happily ever after â or not. (Developing a relationship needed more than just conversing on the dance floor â see Chapter 5 for information on dancing.)
In the world of the gentry and thus in Austen's novels, the reader meets young ladies who go to dances and dinner parties and meet young gentlemen who are slightly older than the ladies. This was not unusual because men of the gentry had to establish themselves so that they could present marriageable prospects financially, especially if they were not eldest sons in line to inherit the grand family country estate. Gentlemen looked for younger wives (usually 27 was the top age!) to ensure that children (read:
sons!
) would be born. This is the old “heir and a spare” concern. So with this mind, let's go courting. (For information on the class system and the gentry, a particular class, see Chapter 2.)
Until a gentry girl turned 16, she lived a quiet, protected, isolated life at home and school. Demure in company, she wasn't to call attention to herself, nor were adults, especially young gentlemen, meant to afford her any attention socially. But when the girl reached the magical age of 16, she officially became a young lady, and it was time for her
coming out
â a formal introduction to society for a woman who was mature enough to be a gentleman's bride. (No, we're not in the film “Deliverance” here! Remember, a woman married at a young age in Austen's day because she was expected to secure her financial future through marriage, thus relieving her father from supporting her â explained in more detail in Chapter 7.) She was also expected to produce sons to inherit paternal property.
A young lady's coming out occurred at a formal ball marking the momentous occasion: she was now marriage material! For those readers who know what getting ready for the senior prom was like, imagine how you felt during your big night. Young ladies in Austen's day felt the same â they were coming out and making their society debut! With a fashionable new dress, jewelry, and the latest hairdo, the girl was ready â or hoped she was ready â to be the center of attention. Her parents hoped that her fine clothes, elegant manners, dancing skills (for which they had paid a moderate fee to a dancing master), and, of course, dowry, would secure their daughter a good match. Among all the guests, whether family, friends, neighbors, or new acquaintances, the young gentlemen were of the main interest to the girl. She wanted to be noticed and find a gentleman with elegance and manners as well as husband potential (financial and other ways).
After the official coming out event, the young teenager could now participate in the adult social world by attending balls, assemblies, and dinner parties: all good places to meet marriage-minded gentlemen. The more balls and dinner parties she attended, the better, because these occasions provided more chances for gentlemen to see her, as well as for her to assess the young men as potential husbands. And at those dinner parties, the newly “out” female actually was allowed to participate in the conversation. (Prior to coming out, if a girl happened to be at the dinner table with adults, she was expected to remain quiet and to speak only when asked a question, to which she responded only “yes” or “no.”) The year of coming out was full of new social adventures, including talking!
But don't forget that the young lady still had to have a chaperone looking out for her and accompanying her to social affairs. (For more information on chaperones, check out Chapter 5.) The difference between before and after a young lady's coming out is that men could look upon the lady with marriage in mind. When she married, she lost the chaperone and gained the husband.
Of course, it must have been hard for a 15-year-old girl to see her 16-year-old sister “out” and attending dances, when she had to stay home with her governess and younger siblings. Sometimes, then, parents with daughters close enough in age permitted both the younger and older girls to come out at the same time. But this could be a good or bad idea, as Austen illustrates in
Pride and Prejudice
(see the “Joining one's older sister” sidebar).
Eligible gentlemen were expected to pay attention
only
to the young ladies who had come out. But sometimes they couldn't tell the difference and on first meeting a young woman could mistakenly give her the time and attention that weren't due to her, leading to embarrassment all around. Austen writes about such embarrassing moments in
Mansfield Park
(1:5). (See the “Strolling with social disaster” sidebar nearby.)
To tell if a young woman was out, you had to pay attention to the following clues:
A young lady who
was
out would
⢠Engage in conversation with young gentlemen
⢠Display gracious confidence in social situations
⢠Attend formal dances and dinner parties
⢠Be allowed to walk alone with a young gentleman, assuming he was not a total stranger
A young lady who
wasn't
yet out would
⢠Wear when outside a “close bonnet,” a hat with a deep brim that hid most of the face unless the wearer and the observer were actually face to face
⢠Be quiet, retiring, and modest
⢠Not attend formal dances and dinner parties
⢠Normally be accompanied by her chaperone or governess, and not walk alone with a young gentleman unless he was a relation
The clever Mary Crawford from
Mansfield Park
makes a good point about girls coming out when she insists that “âthe alteration of manners on being introduced into company is frequently too sudden.'” As Mary then explains, some young ladies “âpass in . . . very little time from reserve to quite the oppositeâto confidence!'” In other words, they go from being the demure, quiet young lady who is not “out” to acting as if they know everything, to being over confident. This is not the graciousness that a young lady should display in social situations. Tom Bertram speaks up, corroborating Mary's assessment, and tells an anecdote of sitting in a room with a young lady who hadn't yet come out and enduring her awkward silence: Awkwardness aside, the young lady in question behaved properly by remaining quiet in his company. But then a year later, just after coming out, she approached Tom at a party, “âclaimed [him] as an acquaintance . . . and talked and laughed till [he] did not know which way to look'” (MP 1:5). Coming out appears to have so gone to her head that she embarrasses Tom with her overly familiar, forward behavior. In fact, her laughing and talking up a storm in public with a man she barely knows is just plain impolite, whether a young lady is out or not! In chapter 12, you will read an excerpt from John Gregory's
A Father's Legacy to his Daughters
(1744), which was the young ladies' guide to conduct. He stipulates that young ladies should always converse with young gentleman showing “easy dignity” (28). Obviously, the young lady whom Tom Bertram met needed to review her copy of that book!
Not all young ladies caused the embarrassment that Tom Bertram experienced with the forward young woman who inappropriately laughed and talked up a storm with him, assuming he would remember her from her pre-out days. Austen's paragon of propriety is
Mansfield Park
's heroine, Fanny Price. When her uncle, Sir Thomas, hosts a ball to honor her coming out, the guests who observe her note that she is “attractive . . . modest . . . Sir Thomas's niece . . . and soon said to be admired by Mr. Crawford. It was enough to give her general favour” (MP 2:10). Had they been asked, both Mary Crawford and Tom Bertram would approve Fanny's behavior, as well. For though she is now officially “out,” she retains her modesty and courtesy. Recognized by all the guests as the honoree of the dance, Fanny does not have to call attention to herself.
When Elizabeth Bennet visits Lady Catherine de Bourgh, she receives the third degree on her sisters' social positions: “âAre any of your younger sisters out, Miss Bennet?'” (PP 2:6). Elizabeth, at age 20, is the second eldest of five sisters, all unmarried, and the youngest, Lydia, is 15 at this point. When Elizabeth replies that all of her sisters are out, Lady Catherine bristles, “âWhat, all five out at once? Very odd! â . . . The younger ones out before the elder are married!'” Elizabeth sympathetically observes, “âI think it would be very hard upon younger sisters, that they shouldn't have their share of society and amusement because the elder may not have the means or inclination to marry early.'” The five Bennet sisters range in age from 15 to 23.
The strain on younger sisters who are kept in is also mentioned in
Pride and Prejudice
regarding the Lucas sisters. When Charlotte Lucas, age 27, agrees to marry Mr. Collins, her younger sisters are thrilled and form “hopes of coming out a year or two sooner than they might otherwise have done” (PP 1:22). With an unmarried daughter in her late twenties, parents could deliberately delay their younger daughters' coming out to lessen the competition for the older daughter. While not exactly Cinderellas sweeping up the ashes, the restrained younger sisters must have felt like her, staying home from the balls even though they were of age!
But Elizabeth's sympathy for her younger siblings notwithstanding, Lydia is the most man-crazy, self-indulgent, and morally irresponsible of the group. Perhaps more time “not out” might have helped her mature. On the other hand, given Lydia's loud and forward personality â and her love for dancing â the Bennets would never have heard the end of it if they hadn't let Lydia come out early. And even if she had waited another year to come out, Mrs. Bennet would never have restrained her favorite daughter. So it's not surprising that Lydia causes the most man-trouble for her parents and sisters by fleeing and living with Wickham.
A gentleman failing to recognize if a young lady is “out,” or not â or worse yet â a young lady behaving as if she is out and she's not, can lead to a total social fiasco.
In
Mansfield Park,
Tom Bertram tells the story of visiting a friend's family and taking a walk with his friend's sisters and mother (1:5). He strolled with one of the sisters who was “âperfectly easy in her manners, and as ready to talk as to listen.'” But at the end of the walk, Tom learned that he had been in the company of the younger sister, whose coming out wasn't for another six months. He also had ignored the elder sister, who had already come out, and this behavior was a major social no-no. Tom Bertram isn't exactly Mr. Sensitivity, but even he's disturbed and embarrassed for giving an ineligible girl his attention.
When Mary Crawford hears Tom's story, she's quick to blame the mother: “âBut it was entirely the mother's fault. Miss Augusta should have been with her governess.'” An attentive, proper mother would have the younger daughters under her wing or under the girls' governess's charge.