Jane Austen’s First Love (33 page)

Cassandra, carrying our folded blanket, came up to me with a concerned look. “Jane? I have been waiting for you. Was that Edward Taylor with whom I saw you conversing?”

“Yes.”

“What is that smile about?”

“Nothing,” replied I; but I thought I might die of happiness.

As we began walking slowly back to the house along with the crowd, I would have been content to not say a word for hours. I was to be granted no time for private musings, however, for my brother Edward walked up to me deliberately, and noticing my limp, said,

“Jane: did you hurt yourself when you jumped over the fire?”

“Slightly. I took a bad step on my landing—as you no doubt saw.”

“I am sorry. Allow me to assist you.” He offered his arm, and after I took it, continued, “I am sorry I did not have time to speak with you earlier. What was it you wanted to tell me?”

I was instantly reminded of my obligation to the lovers whose lives I had driven askew. I had been so engrossed in other things, that it took me a moment to reorganise my thoughts; I managed however to find the presence of mind to explain what needed to be explained, and to make my request of him. My brother listened with some dismay to my story, shaking his head at intervals, and finally said, with some perturbation:

“Jane, you little devil; you have truly been up to no good. Let me see if I understand you. You have ruined the hopes and prospects of two couples, discovered the error of your ways, feel very bad about what you did, and now want me to fix everything for you?”

I blushed with shame. “I am sorry to be obliged to involve you, Edward, but I see no alternative. I must get word to Mr. Cage and Mr. Deedes tomorrow.”

“Tomorrow is Edward Taylor’s birthday party at Ileden. We are all expected to attend; yet you wish me to miss it?”

“I do not
wish
it; but I thought—I
hoped—
that if you ride to Canterbury early in the morning, you could ride back to Ileden in the afternoon, and arrive in time for the party.”

“And return afterwards to Goodnestone? That is a great deal of travelling in one day, Jane.”

“It is; it is hardly convenient, I know, and again I am sorry. But you are great friends with Mr. Deedes! He told you himself how much he loves Sophia. Do not you
want
to help reunite them?”

“I do. But I do not see this as my responsibility, Jane; it is yours.”

“I agree; but what can
I
do?”

“You have already apologised to Fanny and Sophia; that is commendable. Now, you ought to apologise to the other two parties involved. I will borrow a carriage and take you to Canterbury tomorrow, but you must speak to Mr. Cage and Mr. Deedes yourself.”

“Myself! Oh! But—I thought it best that they hear such things from
you
. You are a man, and their friend and colleague; they will listen to you, not me.”

“I disagree. I already tried to reason with both of them, and failed. No, Jane;
you
are the one who is privy to Fanny’s and Sophia’s hearts; this information must come from you.”

“What information has to come from Jane?” cried my mother, falling in with us as we progressed towards the house, and frowning with irritation at the evidence of my injured foot.

My brother concisely acquainted my mother with the essential details of our conversation. She looked aghast upon hearing of my involvement in the lovers’ woes, and with anger and asperity, began the following harangue:

“Well; this is beyond anything I could have supposed. You leave me speechless, Jane! I hardly know what to say! Only that I ought to have kept far tighter reins on
your
activities over the past fortnight! Profligate as I knew you to be, I was not prepared for such a revelation! This is beyond anything you ever did before; beyond anything I ever heard of in my life! And this is my reward for all the cares I have taken in raising you. Oh! Jane, you are an abandoned creature, and I do not know what will become of you. To understand that all this misery is your fault! Well! Your brother is entirely correct; you
must
put things to rights, and at once! But I will not hear of the two of you driving all the way to Canterbury and back. No;
that
would be a complete waste of time, for Canterbury is halfway to Godmersham, and our whole family is due to depart for
that
residence the very next day. No; that will not do. You must either delay going to Canterbury for another day, when we will already be on the road, for we will be passing right through that town on our way to Godmersham, and can easily break our journey there; or—
if
Mr. and Mrs. Knight are agreeable—we must all leave tomorrow, or should I say,
today
,
for it is already morning. It would mean leaving a day earlier than planned, but I am anxious to get away in any case. Edward, I know you do not like to be parted from Elizabeth, but
you
would not be opposed to going home to Godmersham a day early, would you?”

“I should be happy to oblige you, Mother, if that is your wish.”

“It is not only
my
wish, but apparently Jane’s—and as depraved as has been her behaviour, we must allow her the opportunity to
try
to set things to rights. I do hope the Knights will approve, and the Bridgeses will not mind, for God knows, we have tarried at Goodnestone long enough. Godmersham is just that much closer to Steventon and your father; and oh! I do so long to go home!”

I stared at my mother, dismayed. We could not wait another day to go to Canterbury! It was important that we see both gentlemen at once, or Mr. Cage would be away and gone. Besides, Fanny and Sophia were counting on their lovers coming back on
Midsummer’s Day
. However, leaving early, as my mother proposed, would have a very calamitous result.

“Mamma, today is Edward Taylor’s birthday. If we go to Canterbury and thence to Godmersham and do not return, I shall miss his birthday party!”
And
, I added silently, I would have no opportunity to say good-bye to him.

“Why should you mind?” cried my mother. “It is yet one more party with all the same people! I dare say you have been to enough parties over the past fortnight to last you ten years! But, however, I leave the decision up to you, Jane.
You
made this mess; it is up to you to get out of it. Which shall it be? Shall we depart according to our original plan? Or shall we get a few hours of sleep, and leave later this very morning?”

I did not take long to consider. The decision brought a pang to my heart and tears to my eyes. With deep regret I said quietly: “We should leave this very morning.”

M
y mother immediately found and explained everything to Mr. and Mrs. Knight, who were both amenable to an early departure, as were Sir Brook and Lady Bridges.

“Oh! Do not worry about
our
feelings in the matter,” stated her ladyship, “it is quite all right if you wish to leave today, for
we
have long intended to depart for Bath the next day, and have a great deal yet to do if we are to make ready for our own journey—all of which has been complicated extremely by the Paylers’ idea of giving Edward Taylor a birthday party this morning, an event which is very ill-timed. I am sending the girls to the affair and staying home to pack.”

Cassandra and I returned to our chamber and quickly packed our own things, then fell into bed; but I could not sleep. The past few weeks had been the most delightful of my life, but they were over now. Very soon, I should be home at Steventon, hundreds of miles away from Edward Taylor, with no notion of when or if I should ever see him again. I knew that going to Canterbury without delay was the right thing to do, but what a dreadful price I was obliged to pay!

Somehow, I determined, I must find a way to see Edward Taylor before I left. An idea occurred to me; I knew it was slightly scandalous, for being of no relation to Edward Taylor, it was most improper for me to write to him; yet I could see no alternative. I slipped out of bed, lit a candle, and wrote a short note.

Goodnestone Park

24 June, 1791

My dearest Mr. Taylor,

It is with the deepest regret that I write to inform you that I am unable to attend your birthday party today. I am obliged to return to Godmersham with my family this very morning via Canterbury, where I have particular business to attend, of a timely nature—I believe you can guess to what it relates. I cannot tell you how disappointed I am, that we had no opportunity to say good-bye; however, we shall be at Godmersham to-night, and will most likely stay one day more, before returning to Steventon. I realise it is a long way to Godmersham, but if it were within your power to come thither before my departure, even for the shortest of visits, I know you should be very welcome. May I close in saying, I wish you the very happiest of birthdays.

With all best wishes,

Jane Austen

On this idea, I pinned all my hopes.

The next morning, as we said our farewells to the Bridges family, I asked Sophia, Fanny, and Elizabeth to give my best regards to Edward Taylor. Surreptitiously, I gave Sophia the folded note, and implored her with an emotional whisper:

“Pray, Sophia, will you give this to Edward Taylor?”

I saw sympathy in Sophia’s eyes, and she nodded silently as she hid the note in the folds of her skirts. After many thanks and embraces, in particular from Fanny and Sophia with regard to my purpose in going to Canterbury, we all tearfully said our good-byes, promising faithfully to write.

As my mother, Charles, and the Knights had no business in Canterbury, they drove on to Godmersham ahead of the rest of us. Cassandra and I took the chaise, and my brother Edward rode alongside. We were both tired from a night of very little sleep, but I was too anxious to be lulled by the motion of the carriage. When we arrived at Mr. Deedes’s residence in Canterbury, we were received with surprise and pleasure by him and Mr. Cage.

My brother explained the purpose of our visit, and then turned the matter over to me. I told them everything, beginning with my false impressions, leaving out no detail of my complicity, and ending with the true status of Fanny’s and Sophia’s sentiments, as well as their hopes, based on the Midsummer’s Eve rose-petal ritual.

The two gentlemen listened with avid attention, and in due course, after displaying a great range of emotions, and shedding a few tears, both said they forgave me, expressed their gratitude that we had come to see them, and announced their intention to return to Goodnestone that very day to see their ladies.

“Thank you, Miss Jane,” said Mr. Deedes with warmth and a renewed sparkle in his eyes, kissing my hand as we rose to take our leave. “You have given me hope; more than hope, you have given me back my life.”

Mr. Cage bowed and also graciously expressed his most sincere thanks, which I received with more than a little embarrassment and humility.

I wished them both well, and very soon my sister and I were back in the carriage on our way to Godmersham. I sighed with relief. I had done all I could to undo the mischief I had caused; it was now up to the lovers to decide their fate. Cassandra again fell asleep, and I spent the entire journey to Godmersham thinking of Edward Taylor, wondering what might be his reaction to my note, and praying that he would come to see me before I left for home.

He did not come that night; nor did I really expect him to, presuming him to be fully occupied all day and evening with his birthday festivities. The next day, however, I awoke full of hope. I was afraid to stray too far from the house, lest Edward Taylor arrive and find me missing, and so declined the long walk which Cassandra proposed in the pretty country-side, and stayed inside by the front window, while all the rest of the household went boating on the river. All morning long, I tried in vain to concentrate on a book I had chosen from the library, as I listened expectantly for the sounds of an approaching horse or carriage, which would signal the arrival of a visitor.

No such visitor appeared.

I retired that night gravely disappointed. Why had Edward Taylor not come? Perhaps I had somehow misread his feelings, and our association meant less to
him
than it had to me. This idea was very distressing, and I shed bitter tears.

The next morning, my mother, sister, Charles, and I left very early. We were to travel post. When the coach and four arrived, Mr. and Mrs. Knight and my brother Edward affectionately embraced us, as we repeated our thanks for their hospitality, and our hopes that the next time we saw each other would not be too distant.

Dejectedly, I sank into the seat beside Cassandra. The coach pulled away and with a rattle, proceeded down the long drive. When we turned onto the main road, as I glanced out the window despondently, I thought I detected a rise of dust in the distance behind us. I looked harder, trying to make out the cause of the slight disturbance, and realised that a horseman was approaching.

Was it possible?

“Someone is riding after us!” cried I.

“What?” said my mother. “Why on earth should someone be riding after us?”

“It might be Edward Taylor,” replied I.

“Truly?” With excitement, Charles craned his neck to look without.

I, too, kept my eyes glued to the window, but the rider was yet too far away to determine who it was. “Please, Mamma, tell the coachman to stop!”

“I will do no such thing,” cried my mother. “We have a long journey ahead of us, Jane, and are paying good money to get there. We have no idea who is on that horse, it could be anybody.”

Frantically, I knocked on the front of the carriage, hoping to attract the driver’s attention, as Cassandra, with a compassionate look, assisted in the endeavour. I then opened the window and called out; but at that very moment another vehicle passed us in the opposite direction, raising a cloud of dust which made me choke, and the loud rattle of both conveyances, combined with the beating of the horses’ hooves and the jingle of their harnesses, combined to create such a clatter as to obscure my efforts, and the coachman did not respond.

To my infinite distress, when I looked back, the lone rider had halted in his progress and was now turning round, as our coach and four speedily took us away down the road.

“Oh!” cried Charles. “He has given up!”

“Do not look so dejected,” said my mother. “I am sure it was not he; what would Edward Taylor be doing so far from Ileden or Bifrons?”

“Perhaps he wished to say good-bye,” replied I brokenly.

“Well, never mind, no one ever died from not saying good-bye. Lord knows you spent time enough with
that
young man these past three weeks, Jane, and look to where it led! With you embarrassing us by your shocking behaviour at the ball, and jumping over fires, and twisting your ankle, and sticking your nose in where it wasn’t wanted with your romantic nonsense! I knew it was wrong to bring you here in the first place, and allow you to participate in so many social functions before you are properly
out
, and I promise you, I have learned from my mistake, and will not repeat it again! Mark my words: you will not attend a ball, young lady, nor any other event of consequence, until the day you turn seventeen, and not a minute sooner!”

If I had been dejected before, now I was truly wretched. I burst into tears. For the next half-hour, my tears flowed steadily. My mother, disgusted, closed her eyes and promptly fell asleep, and my brother soon followed suit.

With both of our relations now slumbering, Cassandra took my hand in hers and said very quietly, “There, there, Jane. Do not cry.” Her expression told me that she understood all that was within my heart. “You will see him again some day.”

“When? Years from now? Even if I do, it will not be the same.” My voice caught as I wiped at my tears. “Time and distance are great separators. I would rather spend five minutes with him than a lifetime with any other young man I have ever met—yet we cannot even correspond. It is so unfair!”

“I agree.” Cassandra’s eyes grew misty, and I guessed she was thinking of Tom Fowle, with whom she no doubt would have also liked to correspond.

“I love him, Cassandra.”

“I know you do. But Jane: consider. Apart from Edward Taylor’s wealth and property, which puts him in a different class—”

“Such issues hold no weight with him!” replied I stubbornly. “He told me so himself.”

“Even if that is true, you are both very young. He is the first young man for whom you have had such feelings. It does not mean he is right for you, or the man with whom you are meant to spend the rest of your life.”

“Tom Fowle is the first young man with whom
you
fell in love, and you are determined to marry
him
!”

“Yes; but that is different. I have known Tom Fowle for many years, since I was but a girl. You and Edward Taylor only met a few weeks past. Your relationship is still very new. It takes time to determine if you are truly suited to each other—and Jane, you two are different in so many ways.”

“We are the
same
in so many ways! We share sympathies and a multitude of interests. We hold a great many ideals in common. I admire him, and I think he feels the same way about me.”

“All that is important, I agree; but true love is, I believe, based on more than that. You must respect each other as well, and both be
worthy
of that respect. Jane: there is hardly an obligation stronger than the exercise of self-control, yet Edward Taylor tends to be careless of the comfort of others. We saw this on numerous occasions.”

“He apologised to me for his reckless behaviour.”

“Yet he remains essentially unchanged. I fear that Edward Taylor will always be jumping over fires, Jane.”

We reached Steventon without incident. I was overjoyed to see my father, whom I had missed very much, and although my heart ached for Edward Taylor, I could not deny that it was good to be home again, in the comfort of my own familiar surroundings.

A letter soon arrived from Sophia.

Camden-Place, Bath

3 July, 1791

Dearest Jane,

We have been at Bath nearly a week now, and I could not wait a moment longer to share with you some very good news. On Midsummer’s Day, some hours after you left, Mr. Cage and Mr. Deedes both came to us at Goodnestone. It was just as you predicted, Jane—the rose petals were a resounding success! (Of course I know that you had a hand in the arrangements, and I thank you with all my heart; yet it is still enchanting to think that the legend might be true.)

Fanny is engaged once more to Mr. Cage, and I declare, they are happier now, and more in love, than I have ever yet seen them. As for me—oh Jane! Mr. Deedes was so attentive to me that day! We were both dismayed by the fact that I was leaving the very next morning for Bath; but he promised, before he went with the Knights and your brother to the Scottish Highlands, that he should visit us in this city. He made good on that promise, and we have passed the most delightful time in each other’s company. Yesterday, he proposed! He loves me, Jane, and asked me to be his wife! Of course, I said yes. I am so happy I feel as if my heart might burst.

We think to be married in December, at the same time as my sisters. Who would have thought that three of the Bridges sisters should fall in love and become engaged at the very same time? It is too wonderful to believe! As you can imagine, my mother is beside herself with joy.

Mr. Deedes admitted that he might never have had the courage to reveal his feelings for me, had not you gone to see him at Canterbury. Who can say how things might have turned out, had you never come to Kent this summer? I shall be forever grateful that you did! I send love and thanks from Fanny as well, and Marianne asks me to extend her best wishes. Please give my best love to your mother, Cassandra, and Charles.