Jealousy (15 page)

“
Three months?  Three months is a long time when two people love each other –
if
they love each other.  That should be the only thing that matters.”  Tears hung on Kenny’s lower lids and his voice cracked.  “I believe in love, Justin.  I’m not a player like you.”

“
I’m not a player, Kenny.”

“
I love you, honey, but I’m not gonna share you.  If you want to see other guys, you can forget about me.”

Tears moistened Justin
’s eyes.  “I’m so sorry, baby.”

Kenny stared at him with his mouth slightly ajar. 
“I can’t believe I’m losing you . . . and Heather.  What about Heather?”

“
She’s
my
best friend, Kenny. You can’t have her.  It’s non-negotiable.  You can see her to say goodbye, but that’s all.”

Kenny turned and reached for the doorknob, but Justin called after him,
“Kenny, wait, don’t leave.  Can’t we keep in touch, maybe see each other once in a while?  Can’t we still be friends?”

“
Friends?  You want to be my
friend
?  Forget it!” Kenny replied, harshly.  “I don’t ever want to see you again!”

Justin
watched Kenny walk out the door and out of his life.  The feeling of regret and uncertainty hung over him like a black cloud.  He loved Kenny.  It was the intensity of their relationship that scared him.  But, right now, nothing scared him more than the fear that he may have just made the biggest mistake of his life.

Chapter Twenty-Eight:

Justin handled his break
up with Kenny the same way he handled his breakup with David, and last night’s entertainment just left.  The only difference was that now he encouraged his lovers to spend the night.  He couldn’t face the loneliness of waking up in an empty bed anymore.  Justin didn’t care how many men he slept with.  He needed to fill the void in his life. He needed to forget about Kenny.  But it wasn’t working.

There was a knock on the door and Justin thought his
latest lover was back, but it was Heather.

“
I assume he was yours.” She smiled and motioned to the handsome man getting into the car in front of Justin’s apartment.

Justin chuckled.
“Of course he was mine.”

“
Let me ask you a question.” The smile disappeared from her face.  “Sit down.”

Justin knew he was in for another lecture, and he let out a distressed sigh.
It’s been weeks since he broke up with Kenny, but Heather refused to let it go.

“
Is this what you really want?” she asked.  “Are you happy?”

“
When are you gonna stop riding me about this?  I’m getting tired of explaining myself.”

“
I’m not trying to give you a hard time.  I’m trying to understand what you want in life, because for the first time I don’t know what’s going on in your head.  Is this really what you want?”

This wasn
’t the first time Justin tried to sort through his feelings on the subject, but he still couldn’t find an answer.  “I don’t know.  I honestly don’t know what the fuck I want anymore.”

“
I thought you were looking for love, and you found it with Kenny.  He was right for you.  You were genuinely happy together.  Anyone could see how much you two loved each other.”  She paused.  “Something’s missing since he left.” She put her hand on his chest.  “In here.  In your heart.  I can see it, Justin.  You made a mistake.”

“
Stop trying to tell me how to live my life.”  Her words cut deep, but he was too afraid to admit that she could be right.

“
I’m not trying to tell you how to live your life.  I’m trying to understand why you threw away a relationship with someone you truly loved and who made you happy.  How many chances do we get to be happy in life?  I would give
anything
to have what you had with Kenny.”

“
I don’t know, alright?”  The more she pushed the issue, the more he defended his reasoning for breaking up with Kenny, but he was only being stubborn.  He had his doubts from the beginning about ending the relationship, and Heather’s badgering made him feel all the more unsure of his decision.  “Look, Heather, maybe I made a mistake, but I felt backed into a corner and I needed to get out.  Why can’t you understand that?  Why can’t you be here for me?  Why can’t you support me?  Why can’t you . . .”

“
Shhhh.”  She put her fingers over his lips.  “Of course I’m here for you.  I support you one hundred percent in whatever decisions you make, whether or not I agree with them.  I’m just saying that maybe you should think about it a little more. . . reevaluate what you really want . . . before too much time slips by . . . before it’s too late to right a wrong.”

#

Even though someone was lying next to him in bed, Justin was lonesome.  He looked over at last night’s fling and felt nothing but emptiness.  He couldn’t stop thinking about his conversation with Heather the other day, and reassessed what he wanted in life.  He wanted love.  That never changed.  He thought he was done with casual sex.  That’s how he spent most of his twenties.  It was a lot of fun, but how long could you go from meaningless relationship to meaningless relationship?  He didn’t want to end up alone.  He wanted . . . Kenny.

Justin apologized to his guest and asked him to leave.  The guy in his bed quietly slipped out the front door, without asking any questions.
  A tear spilled from the corner of Justin’s eye.  He made a mess of his life, and he had no one to blame but himself.  Breaking up with Kenny was the stupidest thing he ever did.  He wondered if Kenny could forgive him.  He would do anything to get Kenny back.  He would grovel at Kenny’s feet if he had to.  He would do whatever it took to make Kenny give him another chance.

Justin checked the clock on his nightstand.  It was almost noon.  Kenny only got off work a few hours ago.  He
should be home.

Chapter Twenty-Nine:

Justin rang the bell twice in a row.  That was his
“ring”.  It was the trigger that Kenny would know it was him at the door.

Kenny answered almost immediately.  His face was bright red and scrunched into a deep scowl. 
“What the fuck are you doing here?  I told you I never wanted to see you again!”

Kenny was even more beautiful than Justin remembered.  He forgot how Kenny
’s intense green eyes looked right through you and into your soul.  “I miss you so much,” Justin said.  “I’m such a fuckin’ idiot.  You were right.  I was just scared.  I’m so sorry.  I love you, baby.”

“
Don’t give me that ‘I love you, baby’ bullshit!  I knew you would do this – break my heart and then come crawling back asking for forgiveness!  You got some fuckin’ nerve!  You think you can walk back into my life whenever you damn well please, after the way you treated me?”  Kenny shook his long bangs out of his eyes.  “It’s too late!  You made your choice, now you have to live with it!”

“
I was wrong.  Let’s start over.  I made a . . .” Justin’s words trailed off.  His eyes were drawn past Kenny, toward a dark-haired man emerging from the bedroom, wearing nothing except a pair of black Calvin Klein briefs.  He was drop-dead gorgeous and looked like he just stepped out of a magazine ad.

The man joined Kenny in the doorway and placed a possessive arm around Kenny
’s shoulder.  “Is this guy bothering you?” he asked Kenny.  The man stared intently at Justin and never averted his eyes.

“
No, honey,” Kenny answered.  “He was just leaving.”

Honey
.  The word stung.  It didn’t matter that Kenny called everyone honey, hearing him call his new boyfriend honey felt like someone just stabbed Justin in the heart. “Please Kenny.” He was begging, groveling.  “I know you still care about me. I know you still . . .”

“
Goodbye, Justin.” Kenny slammed the door in Justin’s face.

Justin braced his hands against the doorframe and let out a deep sob.  It was over.  He had n
othing left.  He lost Kenny.  Justin sat in the car and cried for several minutes, periodically looking back at Kenny’s door.  Once, Justin thought he saw the blinds move, but resigned it to wishful thinking and the tears that blurred his vision.

#

For the next several hours, Justin berated himself as he wandered aimlessly around his apartment.  He threw away his one chance at happiness.  From now on, his life would be filled with the heartache of the love he lost.  Eventually, the pain would subside and be replaced by a hollowed-out nothingness. He would never love anyone again.

Heather called, but he couldn
’t bear to speak to hear.  He sent her a text message instead.  ‘Not feeling well. Staying in bed today.  See you tomorrow.’  His phone immediately rang and, reluctantly, he answered it.

“
Do you need anything?” Heather asked.  “Should I come over?  We’re at Peter’s parents, but I’ll leave if you need me.”

“
No.  I’m gonna lie down.”

“
What’s wrong?  You sound terrible.”

“
I have a headache.  I need to go back to bed.”

“
We’re not kids anymore, Justin, you can’t stay out all night partying.”

“
I know.  You’re right.  You’re always right.”  His voice was low with emotion.  “I don’t know why I never listen to you. I’m so stupid sometimes.”

She was silent for a moment. 
“Did you take anything last night?  Could someone have put something in your drink?”

“
No.  I have to go.  I need to lie down.”

“
I’m coming over.”

“
Don’t.  Please, Heather.  I’m . . . I just need some sleep. I’ll be OK.”

She paused again. 
“Are you sure?  I’m worried about you, Justin.”

“
Don’t worry about me.  Just let me sleep . . . please.  I’ll talk to you later . . . when I’m feeling better.”

“
OK. I’ll call you when we’re getting ready to leave. I won’t be long.  But call me if you need anything.”

Chapter Thirty:

The doorbell woke Justin.  Heather.  He knew she
would come by to check on him.  He combed his fingers through his hair and prepared himself to tell her about his visit to Kenny earlier today.  When he opened the door, he was shocked to find Kenny glaring back at him.

Kenny pursed his lips together, placed his hands on his hips and let out a deep breath. 
“What the hell am I gonna do with you, Justin?”  He marched into the apartment, turned, and scowled at Justin.  They locked eyes without speaking for several seconds.  It was during moments like this, when Kenny was experiencing intense emotion, that his eyes took on a golden hue around the edges, making them gemlike, and they burned right through to Justin’s heart.  Tears welled up on Kenny’s lower lids.  His eyes looked like two giant pools, but he remained defiant.  He folded his arms across his chest and tapped his foot.  “How can I ever trust you with my heart again?”

Adrenaline rushed through Justin
’s body with the realization that Kenny was about to take him back.  He would never do anything to screw up their relationship again.  Never.  “I’m so sorry, baby.  I’ll do anything to make it up to you.  I’ve been miserable without you.  I don’t know what the hell I was thinking.  I’m such a jerk.  I don’t want anyone else.”  He opened his arms.  “Come back to me.  I love you so much.  I don’t want to be away from you ever again. Not for one second.  I want us to be together. I want you to move in with me.”

Kenny
’s eyes softened, and the corners of his mouth curled into a small smile.  “One thing at a time, honey.”

Justin threw his arms around Kenny. 
“I missed you so much.”

“
I missed you, too.  I love you, honey . . . but you really hurt me.”

He hugged Kenny tighter. 
“I’m sorry, baby.  I’ll never hurt you again.  I swear.”

“
I was so mad when I saw you today,” Kenny’s voice was soft and delicate, and he clung to Justin.  “I had no intention of taking you back.  After you left, I watched you through the window and when I saw you crying in the car, my heart fell to pieces.  I wanted to go to you right then and there, but I wouldn’t let myself.  I was afraid of opening my heart up to you again.”

Justin cupped Kenny
’s face in his hands and looked deep into Kenny’s eyes.  “You can trust me.  I promise.”

A lone tear spilled down Kenny
’s cheek.  Justin gently wiped it with his fingertips and then kissed it away with his lips.

Their mouths gravitated toward one another and met in a passionate kiss.  Justin craved the taste of Kenny
’s lips.  They were sweet and fleshy.  He couldn’t get enough of them.  His thirst was insatiable.  It was the same way he felt when he kissed Kenny for the first time, in the park, on their first date.  Justin’s mouth was glued to Kenny’s face and his tongue was in and around every inch of Kenny’s mouth, draining it of every drop of moisture.  It was suffocating, but Justin couldn’t stop.  He couldn’t control his desire.