Jonah and Co. (3 page)

“What can he want?” growled Berry, as he brought the car to a standstill.

“He’s probably being officious,” said I, getting our papers ready. “We’re strangers, and he’s in a bad humour. Consequently, he’s going to scrutinise our
triptyque
, passports, passes and certificates, to see if he can accuse us of anything. Happily they’re all in order, so he’ll be disappointed. When he’s thoroughly satisfied that he can bring no charge against us, he’ll order us to proceed.”

“He’s taking his time about it,” observed my brother-in-law.

I looked up from the documents.

My gentleman was still talking to the postman, while his pig’s eyes were still surveying the car. From his companion’s demeanour, he seemed to be whetting his wit at our expense.

“This is intolerable,” said I. “Ask him what he wants, lady.”

Adèle leaned forward and put her head out of the window.

“I think you wished us to stop,
Monsieur
?”

The
gendarme
waved his hand.

“Wait,” he said insolently.

The postman sniggered shamefacedly.

Adèle sank back in her seat, her cheeks flaming.

In a voice trembling with passion I conjured Berry to proceed.

The moment the car moved, the official sprang forward, gesticulating furiously.

As we passed him, I put out my head.

“Now it’s our turn,” I said warmly, “to make the postman laugh.”

From the hoarse yells which followed us, it was clear that we had left the fellow beside himself with rage. Looking back through the little window, I could see him dancing. Suddenly he stopped, peered after us, and then swung about and ran ridiculously up the street.

“Blast him, he’s going to telephone!” said I. “Where’s the map?”

Together Adèle and I pored over the sections.

“If,” said Berry, “you’re going to direct me to turn off, for Heaven’s sake be quick about it. At the present moment I’m just blinding along into the blue and, for all I know, an oversized hornets’ nest. Of course they mayn’t sting when there’s an ‘r’ in the month, but then they mightn’t know that. Or am I thinking of oysters?”

“They’ll stop us at Vendôme,” said I. “Not before. Right oh! We must turn to the right at Cloyes and make for St Calais. We can get round to Tours that way. It’ll take us about twenty miles out of our way, but—”

“Yes, and when we don’t show up at Vendôme, they’ll wire to Calais. Seriously, as Shakespeare says, I’m all of a doo-dah.”

That we should be stopped at St Calais was not likely, and I said as much. What did worry me, because it was far more probable, was that when they drew blank at Vendôme, the authorities would telephone to Tours. Any apprehension, however, regarding our reception at that city was soon mercifully, unmercifully, and somewhat paradoxically overshadowed by a more instant anxiety lest we should never arrive there at all. From the moment we left the main road, the obstacles in the shape of uncharted roads and villages, pavements, cattle, goats, a horse fair, and finally a series of appalling gradients, opposed our passage. All things considered, my brother-in-law drove admirably. But it was a bad business, and, while my wife and Berry were very staunch, I think we all regretted that I had been so high with Blue Nose.

Night had fallen ere we slunk into Tours.

Fully expecting to find that the others had well-nigh given us up, we were astounded to learn at the hotel that Ping had not yet arrived. Indeed, we had finished dinner, and were debating seriously whether we should take a hired car and go to seek them, when there was a flurry of steps in the corridor, Nobby rushed to the door, and the next moment Daphne and Jill burst into the room.

“My darling,” said Berry, advancing, “where on earth have you been?”

My sister put her arms about his neck and looked into his eyes.

“Kiss me ‘Goodbye,’” she said. “Jonah’s just coming.”

Her husband stared at her. Then —

“Is it as bad as all that?” he said. “Dear, dear. And how did he get the booze?”

Somebody cleared his throat.

I swung round, to see Jonah regarding us.

“You three beauties,” he said. “Four with Nobby.”

“But what do you mean?” said Adèle. “What have we done?”

“Done?” cried Jonah. “Done? Where d’you think we’ve been?”

“It can’t have been goats that stopped you,” said Berry, “because I had all the goats. There was a great rally of goats at St Calais this afternoon. It was a wonderful smell – I mean sight.”

“Guess again,” said Jonah grimly.

“You haven’t been waiting for us on the road?” said I.

“You’re getting warmer,” was the reply.

Adèle gave a sudden cry.

“O-o-oh, Jonah,” she gasped, “you’ve been at Vendôme!”

I started violently, and Berry, who was about to speak, choked.

“That’s right,” said Jonah shortly. “Nice little place – what I saw of it… Lovely view from the police station.” He leaned against the mantelpiece and lighted a cigarette. “It may amuse you to know,” he added, “that the expiation of your crime took us six and a half hours and cost five hundred francs.”

In response to our thirsty inquiries, the tale came bubbling.

My surmise that the blue-nosed
gendarme
would telephone to Vendôme had been well-founded. He had forwarded an exact description of Pong, together with the letters and the first three figures of the four appearing upon the number-plate. Six minutes later Ping had sailed innocently into Vendôme – and up to her doom…

The Vendôme police could hardly believe their eyes. Here was the offending car, corresponding in every particular to the one described to them, admittedly fresh from Châteaudun, yet having covered the thirty-nine kilometres in eleven minutes. It was amazing…almost incredible…almost… Of outlaws, however, all things were credible – even a speed of one hundred and thirty-six miles an hour. For it was without doubt that outlaw which had flouted Authority at Châteaudun. Oh, indubitably. And, having thus flouted Authority, what was more natural than that it should endeavour to outstrip the consequences of its deed? But,
mon Dieu
, what wickedness!

In vain had Jonah protested and Daphne declared their innocence. The telephone was again requisitioned, and the blue-nosed
gendarme
summoned and cross-examined. As luck would have it, he could not speak to the passengers, beyond affirming that they included one man and one woman… When he gratuitously added that the reason why he could not swear to the whole of the number was because of the terrible pace at which the car was moving, the game was up…

Finding that the accusation of travelling at a horrifying speed was assuming a serious look, my sister and cousins at length decided that they had no alternative but to give us away. They had, of course, realised that Pong was implicated from the beginning. Consequently, with the flourish of one who has hit upon the solution of a problem, they divulged our existence. They were politely, but wholly disbelieved. In reply, they had politely, but confidently, invited the police to wait and see…

For over four hours they had anxiously awaited the arrival of Pong. When at last the humiliating truth began to dawn upon them, and it became evident that we had ruled Vendôme out of our itinerary, the shock of realising, not only that they were to be denied an opportunity of refuting the charges preferred, but that they were destined to leave the town branded as three of the biggest and most unsuccessful liars ever encountered, had well-nigh reduced Daphne and Jill to tears. And when, upon the sickly resumption of negotiations, it appeared highly probable that they would not be permitted to proceed, Jill had wept openly…

France is nothing if not emotional.

Visibly affected by her distress, the police had immediately become less hostile. Observing this, Daphne had discreetly followed her cousin’s example. Before the sledgehammer blows of their lamentation two
gendarmes
began to sniff and a third broke down. The girls redoubled their sobs. They were practically there.

“You never saw anything like it,” concluded Jonah. “Within three minutes four of the police were crying, and the head bottle-washer was beating his breast and imploring me in broken accents to explain away my guilt. I threw five hundred francs on his desk and covered my eyes. With tears rolling down his cheeks, he pushed the notes under a blotting-pad and wrote laboriously upon a buff sheet. Then a woman was produced. Between explosions of distress she made us some tea. In common decency we couldn’t push off for a while. Besides, I wasn’t quite sure that it was all over. However, everybody seemed too overcome to say anything, so, after a bit, we chanced it and made a move for the car. To my relief, they actually helped us in, and two of them fought as to who should start us up.” He looked round coldly. “And now, perhaps, you’ll be good enough to tell us what we’ve been punished for.”

I told what there was to tell.

As I came to the end, Berry nodded at Jonah.

“Yes,” he said unctuously, “and let this be a lesson to you, brother.”

Speechless with indignation, our cousin regarded him.

At length —

“What d’you mean?” he demanded.

Berry raised his eyebrows. “I hardly think,” he said, “the penalty for – er – loitering would have been so vindictive.”

How Three Wagers were Made,

and Adèle Killed Two Birds with One Stone

We had slept, risen and breakfasted: we had visited Tours Cathedral: finally, we had mustered in the lounge of the hotel. It was when we had there been insulting one another for nearly an hour, that Jonah looked at his watch.

“We have now,” he said, “wasted exactly forty-nine minutes in kicking against the pricks. Short of a European war, you can’t alter the geography of France, and the laws of Mathematics take a lot of upsetting. It’s no good wishing that Bordeaux was Biarritz, or that Pau was half the distance it is from Angoulême. If you don’t want to go right through, you must stay at Bordeaux. It’s the only possible place. If you don’t want to stay at Bordeaux, you must go right through. I don’t care which we do, but I do want to see something of Poitiers, and, if we don’t get a move on, we shan’t have time.”

All the way from Boulogne France had made an excellent host. So far she had never failed to offer us a good night’s lodging, with History as a bedfellow, at the end of a respectable run. Indeed, from the point of view of they that go down to the South in cars, her famous capitals could hardly have been more conveniently disposed. This very evening, by lodging us at Angoulême, she was to repeat such hospitality for the last time. Upon the morrow we should be faced with a choice of making a dash for the villa which was awaiting our arrival at Pau, or breaking the journey asunder – but by no means in half – by sleeping at Bordeaux.

“I must confess,” said Daphne, “that, for some reason or other, Bordeaux doesn’t attract me. Incidentally, I’m getting rather tired of unpacking and packing up.”

“So far,” said her husband, “as the bestowal and disinterment of my effects are concerned, I can confirm that statement. Indeed, if we had another week on the road, you’d both be exhausted. You left my sponge and bedroom-slippers at Boulogne, my dressing-gown at Rouen, and my pyjamas at Chartres. I wish you’d tell me what you’ve left here. I’m simply dying to know.”

“No,” said Daphne. “You must wait till Angoulême. I wouldn’t spoil it for anything.”

“Jade,” said her husband. “And now, stand back, please, everybody. I want to do a little stock-taking.” With that, from every pocket he produced French notes of all denominations, in all stages of decay, and heaped them upon the table. “Now, this one,” he added, gingerly extracting a filthy and dilapidated rag, “is a particularly interesting specimen. Apparently, upon close inspection, merely a valuable security, worth, to be exact, a shade under twopence-halfpenny, it is in reality a talisman. Whosoever touches it, cannot fail to contract at least two contagious diseases within the week. In view of the temperature of my coffee this morning, I’m saving it for the head-waiter.”

“When,” said I, “do you expect to go down?”

“The pure in heart,” said Berry, “are proof against its malignity. Don’t you come too near. And look at this sere and yellow leaf. Now, that represents one franc. When I think that, upon offering that to a bartender, I shall not only not be assaulted, but shall actually receive a large bottle of beer and be lent a two-and-sixpenny glass from which to imbibe the same, I feel the deepest reverence for the French Government. No other authority in the world could possibly put up such a bluff and get away with it.”

“They are awful,” said Jill, peering.

“They’re perfectly beastly,” said Berry, “and wholly ridiculous. However, since they’re also legal tender, I suppose I may as well try and sort them out. What I really need is some rubber gloves and a box-respirator. Hullo! Just catch that one, will you? He’s seen that dog over there… You know, I’m not at all sure that they get enough air in my pocket. I suppose we couldn’t get a hutch for the more advanced ones. I mean, I don’t want to be cruel.”

Again Jonah looked at his watch.

“We have now,” he said, “wasted fifty-six minutes in—”

“Excuse me,” said Berry, “but isn’t this touching? Here’s affectionate Albert.” With the words, he laid a two-franc note tenderly upon my sleeve. “Now, I bet you don’t get him off without tearing him.”

Disgustedly I managed to detach Albert, who instantly adhered to my fingers.

There was a shriek of laughter.

“Stick to him,” said Berry. “I’ve lost the bet.”

The injunction was unnecessary.

After Albert had clung once to Adèle’s – happily, gloved – fingers and twice to each of my hands, I trod upon him. Some of Albert was still upon my boot that evening at Angoulême.

“For the last time,” said Jonah, “I appeal to you all to let that dog-eared mountebank rake over his muckheap, and attend to me.”

My brother-in-law addressed Adèle.

“It is,” he said, “a discreditable but incontrovertible fact that saints have always been reviled. I suppose it’s jealousy.” He turned to his wife. “By the way, did you pack my
aureola
? I left it hanging on the towel rail.”

“If,” said Daphne, “you’re referring to your body-belt, it’s with your bed-socks.”

“And why not between your flannel vests?” said her husband. “The grey ones we found at Margate, I mean. With the imitation bone buttons. Ah, here we are. Now, if half a franc’s no earthly, what’ll you give me for two-thirds of fifty centimes?”

Jonah sank into a chair and closed his eyes.

“Look here,” said I desperately. “Once for all, are we going to stay at Bordeaux, or are we going right through?”

“I think we’d all rather go right through,” said Jill.

“I know I would,” said her brother. “And if Boy’s leg was all right, I shouldn’t hesitate. I’ll answer for Ping. But, frankly, with Berry driving, I doubt if Pong’ll fetch up. I mean, two hundred and twenty-two miles takes some biting off.”

There was a pregnant silence. Then —

“He’ll never do it,” said Daphne.

Her husband, who was still busy with his paper, looked up defiantly. Then he took a thousand-franc note and laid it apart from its fellows upon the table.

“I will wager that shekel,” he said deliberately, “that, with a start of one hour tomorrow, Pong reaches Pau before Ping.”

There was a gasp of astonishment.

“Done,” said Jonah. “What’s more, I’ll bet you another you don’t get in before ten.”

Berry raised his eyes to heaven.

“An insult,” he said. “Never mind. Your dross shall wipe it out. I take you.”

“And I,” said I, not to be outdone, “will put another on Pong for the double.”

I felt that my honour was involved. After all, if I had not trained the mount, I was training the jockey.

“Right,” said Jonah. “Will you both pay me now, or wait till you’re out of hospital?”

“I think,” said I, “we’ll have a run for our money.”

The bets were made, and there was an end of it. But when we were again in the car, and my brother-in-law was threading his way out of Tours, I began to repent my rashness.

Considering that, when he took the wheel at Boulogne, Berry had had only three lessons in the management of a car, he had done most creditably. My brother-in-law was no fool. Moreover, on leaving Rouen, he and I had joined forces. Sitting beside him in the coupé, I had driven the car with his hands – after a little practice – with astonishing results. In two days we had, we prided ourselves, raised such collaboration from the ranks of the Mechanical to the society of the Fine Arts. My part was comparatively easy. Sinking his initiative he had more nearly converted himself into an intelligent piece of mechanism than I would have believed possible. It would, of course, be vain to suggest that Pong would not have gone faster if I had been able to drive with my own hands, or Berry had had my experience. Still, we had come very well, and with a start of a whole hour and a little luck… Another point in our favour was that Adèle, who with Nobby completed our crew, had a pronounced gift for map-reading. She had an eye to country. She seemed to be able to scent the line we ought to take. The frequent treachery of signposts she laughed to scorn. Upon the morrow her confident assistance would be invaluable…

What, when I made my bet, I had entirely forgotten, was that we were not always upon the open road. There was the rub. From Angoulême to Pau towns would have to be penetrated – among them Bordeaux itself – and in the towns our system had broken down. In a crowded street, though I could still administer, Berry could not execute. When I endeavoured to allow for his inexperience of traffic, I found it impossible accurately to gauge his capabilities. After a failure or two, it had been agreed that he should negotiate such streets as we encountered without my interference… Of my haste to support Pong’s honour, I had forgotten the towns.

With years of practice behind us, Jonah and I could thrust through traffic, happy enough with an odd inch to spare. Naturally enough, Berry had no such confidence. An inch was of no use to him. He must have a good ell, and more also, before he would enter a gap. In the trough of a narrow street he laboured heavily… There was no doubt about it. The towns through which we should have to pass on Wednesday would settle our chances. My money was as good as gone.

It seemed equally probable that Berry would save his stake. Barring accidents of the grosser sort, if we started betimes, we were bound to reach Pau before ten. Such a protasis robbed the bet of its savour. With a thousand francs at stake, it would be foolish not to take reasonable care. And the taking of reasonable care would all but eliminate the element of uncertainty… There was no getting away from it. Of the two wagers, only the first was worth winning. To reach Pau before Jonah would be a veritable triumph.

Moodily I communicated my reflections to Adèle.

“I thought it was rather rash at the time” she replied. “But I think there’s a sporting chance.”

“That’s right,” said Berry. “Put your money on uncle. With enough encouragement I can do anything.”

“Permit me to encourage you to blow your horn,” said I. “That child in front of you is too young to die.” My brother-in-law obeyed. “All the same, I’m afraid we’re for it. It isn’t so much a question of pace, pure and simple, for Jonah’s a careful driver. But his street work is beautiful.”

Berry sighed.

“I suppose he’d pass between those two waggons,” he said sarcastically.

“He would,” said I.

“I don’t think you quite see where I mean,” said Berry, pointing. “I mean along that temporary passage, which would admit a small perambulator.”

As he spoke, Ping brushed past us, slipped between the two wains, and disappeared.

Berry stared after it in silence. At length —

“I withdraw,” he said. “I’m not a conjurer. If everybody stood well back I used to be able to produce an egg, broken or unbroken according to the temperature of my hands, from a handkerchief about six feet square. People were very nice about it, very nice. But an inability to introduce a quart into a pint pot has always been among my failings. Don’t say I’ve got to turn to the left here, because I can’t bear it.”

“No,” said Adèle, smiling. “Straight on.”

“What – past the steam roller? How very touching! Excuse me, messieurs, but would you mind suspending your somewhat boisterous
travail
? My little car is frightened… No answer. I suppose I must pass it. Or shall we turn back? You know, I didn’t really half see the cathedral!”

“Go on,” I said mercilessly. “Jam your foot on the accelerator and shut your eyes. Oh, and you might hold Nobby a minute, will you? I want to light a cigarette.”

Adèle began to shake with laughter.

“With pleasure,” said Berry acidly. “And then I’ll help you on with your coat. I may say that, if you touch me with that mammal, I shall press and pull everything I can see and burst into tears. I’m all strung up, I am.”

There was not much room, and the roller was ponderously closing in, but with a protruding tongue our luckless chauffeur crept slowly past the monster in safety, and a moment later we were scudding up the Poitiers road.

Now that we were clear of the town, we set to work diligently. Adèle pored over the map and the
Michelin Guide
; Berry turned himself into a mechanical doll; and I maintained a steady issue of orders until my throat was sore.

The weather was fair and the going was good. Her newborn stiffness beginning to wear off, Pong went better than ever. Berry excelled himself.

With every kilometre we covered my spirits rose, and when we overtook Jonah on the outskirts of Châtellerault, I could have flung up my cap.

The latter was clearly immensely surprised to see us, and when we stopped, as was our custom, at a
charcuterie
to buy our lunch, and Ping had followed our example, leaned out of his window and asked me pointedly whether my leg was yet stiff.

Concealing a smile, I regretted that it was. Jonah fingered his chin.

“Of course,” he said warily, “it’s a condition precedent that you don’t drive tomorrow.”

“Of course,” I agreed.

The confession of uneasiness, however, did my heart good. It was plain that my imperturbable cousin was getting nervous.

As we moved off again —

“We must lunch soon,” said Berry. “My mouth’s watering so fast, I can’t keep up with it.”

I patted Adèle’s arm.

“Now you know the way to his heart,” I said. “Straight through the stomach, and—”

“But how gross!” said Berry. “And how untrue! Naturally ascetic, but for the insistence of my physicians, I should long ago have let my hair grow and subsisted entirely on locusts and motionless lemonade. But a harsh Fate ruled otherwise. Excuse me, but I think that that there basket or ark in which the comfort is enshrined is rather near the conduit through which flows that sparkling liquid which, when vapoured, supplies our motive power. And
foie gras
is notoriously susceptible to the baneful influence of neighbouring perfumes. Thank you. If those bits of heaven were to taste of petrol, it would shorten my life. And now, where was I?”

I turned to Adèle.

“He’s off,” said I. “The prospect of gluttony always loosens his tongue. There’s really only one way to stop him. What about lunching at the top of this hill? Or can you bear it till we’ve passed Poitiers?”